Feel bad again today. Just woke up like this. My two days off have been terrible. I planned to clean my room and clean it out but none of that happened. My laundry has not even been done and its day off number 2. If I can't even get the 'umph' to clean my room how the hell do I expect to make it as a pharmacy tech? Or even get the 'umph' to buckle down and study for the licensing test?
Plus I'm afraid that even if I buckle down and study and get a date scheduled to take the exam and do everything 110% right, when she finds out I have been lying about graduating in May she'll just kick me out anyways. Even at entry level pharmacy tech I can't make it on my own! I did the math! I'd have to have a full time pharmacy job and a part minimum wage job, and I'm scared if (lacking interview skill) I will even be able to get an entry level retail pharmacy tech job if I study, take, and pass the exam! And I know dad won't do a damn thing. He said he'd divorce her and he hasn't. I think he's just staying around cause my little sister needs both her parents. And bringing a laywer or whoever its called into it would make it all a huge mess and he hates confrontation cause mom will never be reasonable. She's been saving up so 'when dad leaves she can support us' but at the same time she hates him and wants him to go but simultaneously obviously doesn't cause then she think she's gonna be primary supporter. That he would not help at all even though she wants to drain him of every penny she insists she is entitled to. Which she isn't, she isn't entitled to a thing cause of what she makes with her home job and how she has saved such a percentage of it. Ugh. Its a huge mess. But if he'd divorce her I would have a chance to be happy! He has already said that I can live with him if he does! But I know he won't. Not without some sort of catalyst. He hates confrontation.
I want to emotionally depend on dad but at the same time I do not feel that is a good idea. With how he never stood up for us not once despite agreeing she's a bad mom for a long time. Like his staying comfortable not in confrontation with her is more important than his offspring. I just feel like wherever I go whatever I do I wont be good enough if neither parent loves me enough to be a good parent. To love me no matter what. Dad must not if he values his feelings over mine as a kid. Did as a kid, but I didn't understand it till an adult - I thought he just agreed with her and that what she was saying was correct my whole childhood, and only as an adult did I realize it was wrong and dad agreed it was wrong but didn't value us enough to make himself uncomfortable and confront her.
I like our new front-end manager, she's a mother of what look like teenagers and her husband it looks like is a cop. She's level headed and she comes off to me as being very reasonable and kind. I like her. The guy who used to be a supervisor but is now ZMS but still spends most of his time playing supervisor is nice too. He's the guy who is the only one to ever be nice enough to not only notice I was upset but take the effort to walk over and ask if I was okay. I hope he sticks around for a long time. Same for the old veteran woman. She's outgoing and very reliable and knowledgeable. I thrive on their being there day after day, cause one of the supervisors (the one who has been there the longest) reminds me a lot of my mom and the managers all intimidate me cause I don't know them. I'm just used to walking on eggshells around my mom, being overly observant trying to note if she's in a good mood or not cause if she's not anything can set her off or I'll end up being her friend for the day having to let her rant to me. All my years as a kid as well as nowadays. That level of observance and caution has carried over into my job as well, but unless the strict long-career supervisor mother-woman is there, there's no one to focus that on so it just leads to me being overly anxious unless all my favorite supervisors/manager are there.
I wish I was like brother. His attitude gets him in trouble but he's not like me. I rely on positive comments and really I just have an external locus of control and a sense of learned helplessness that all make for a bad adult experience. This isn't something that getting my dream job and moving out will fix either, not if I've already noticed that it carries over into my part time minimum wage cashier job.
Plus I'm afraid that even if I buckle down and study and get a date scheduled to take the exam and do everything 110% right, when she finds out I have been lying about graduating in May she'll just kick me out anyways. Even at entry level pharmacy tech I can't make it on my own! I did the math! I'd have to have a full time pharmacy job and a part minimum wage job, and I'm scared if (lacking interview skill) I will even be able to get an entry level retail pharmacy tech job if I study, take, and pass the exam! And I know dad won't do a damn thing. He said he'd divorce her and he hasn't. I think he's just staying around cause my little sister needs both her parents. And bringing a laywer or whoever its called into it would make it all a huge mess and he hates confrontation cause mom will never be reasonable. She's been saving up so 'when dad leaves she can support us' but at the same time she hates him and wants him to go but simultaneously obviously doesn't cause then she think she's gonna be primary supporter. That he would not help at all even though she wants to drain him of every penny she insists she is entitled to. Which she isn't, she isn't entitled to a thing cause of what she makes with her home job and how she has saved such a percentage of it. Ugh. Its a huge mess. But if he'd divorce her I would have a chance to be happy! He has already said that I can live with him if he does! But I know he won't. Not without some sort of catalyst. He hates confrontation.
I want to emotionally depend on dad but at the same time I do not feel that is a good idea. With how he never stood up for us not once despite agreeing she's a bad mom for a long time. Like his staying comfortable not in confrontation with her is more important than his offspring. I just feel like wherever I go whatever I do I wont be good enough if neither parent loves me enough to be a good parent. To love me no matter what. Dad must not if he values his feelings over mine as a kid. Did as a kid, but I didn't understand it till an adult - I thought he just agreed with her and that what she was saying was correct my whole childhood, and only as an adult did I realize it was wrong and dad agreed it was wrong but didn't value us enough to make himself uncomfortable and confront her.
I like our new front-end manager, she's a mother of what look like teenagers and her husband it looks like is a cop. She's level headed and she comes off to me as being very reasonable and kind. I like her. The guy who used to be a supervisor but is now ZMS but still spends most of his time playing supervisor is nice too. He's the guy who is the only one to ever be nice enough to not only notice I was upset but take the effort to walk over and ask if I was okay. I hope he sticks around for a long time. Same for the old veteran woman. She's outgoing and very reliable and knowledgeable. I thrive on their being there day after day, cause one of the supervisors (the one who has been there the longest) reminds me a lot of my mom and the managers all intimidate me cause I don't know them. I'm just used to walking on eggshells around my mom, being overly observant trying to note if she's in a good mood or not cause if she's not anything can set her off or I'll end up being her friend for the day having to let her rant to me. All my years as a kid as well as nowadays. That level of observance and caution has carried over into my job as well, but unless the strict long-career supervisor mother-woman is there, there's no one to focus that on so it just leads to me being overly anxious unless all my favorite supervisors/manager are there.
I wish I was like brother. His attitude gets him in trouble but he's not like me. I rely on positive comments and really I just have an external locus of control and a sense of learned helplessness that all make for a bad adult experience. This isn't something that getting my dream job and moving out will fix either, not if I've already noticed that it carries over into my part time minimum wage cashier job.
