Like the title says I had an overall decent holiday. Sister got some videogames and I bought myself some so we've taken turns playing them on the PS4. I got myself everything save a few tubes of Christmas chocolates/candy, a box of hot chocolate mixes, and a candle wax warmer from my mom in my stocking. She always gets everyone their stocking stuffers.
The real downer is that I could not fit into my size 6 jeans yesterday, not very well anyways. They felt a size too small. Today its better but I've also only had ramen today. Gonna have to go on a diet. Ugh. I'm at a healthy weight but due to being forever underweight as a child I actually feel fat at a healthy weight. Even if I don't get cold easily anymore. There's also the ever increasing pressure that mom thinks i'm graduating in May but I'm not. I'm not even in online classes anymore. They'll kick me out even without my drivers license if they find out though. Mom will and I know dad won't stop her. I don't matter that much. I just wish things could have been different. I could have been so happy if I'd had a family that was unconditionally loving and accepting. For years I've felt like I've just been limping and stumbling on with her shoving me forward every time without a care for what I feel or need. I just feel like I'm at the end of my rope, so to say. Its to the point where I'm planning to wear just a jacket and a short sleeved polo to work today, sans the white long sleeve undershirt I've been wearing. So when I inevitably get hot cause its warm today, I can take it off. Despite the fact I have couple-day-old cuts covering the upper half of both arms. I'll have to keep it with me though, the jacket I mean. None of mom's many acquaintances or clients can be allowed to see them. I just don't think at this point anybody's gonna say anything about it. I've been about as obvious before and one single person has reacted but not said anything, never. So i'm safe. Why bother suffering to hide them if I don't really have to?
The real downer is that I could not fit into my size 6 jeans yesterday, not very well anyways. They felt a size too small. Today its better but I've also only had ramen today. Gonna have to go on a diet. Ugh. I'm at a healthy weight but due to being forever underweight as a child I actually feel fat at a healthy weight. Even if I don't get cold easily anymore. There's also the ever increasing pressure that mom thinks i'm graduating in May but I'm not. I'm not even in online classes anymore. They'll kick me out even without my drivers license if they find out though. Mom will and I know dad won't stop her. I don't matter that much. I just wish things could have been different. I could have been so happy if I'd had a family that was unconditionally loving and accepting. For years I've felt like I've just been limping and stumbling on with her shoving me forward every time without a care for what I feel or need. I just feel like I'm at the end of my rope, so to say. Its to the point where I'm planning to wear just a jacket and a short sleeved polo to work today, sans the white long sleeve undershirt I've been wearing. So when I inevitably get hot cause its warm today, I can take it off. Despite the fact I have couple-day-old cuts covering the upper half of both arms. I'll have to keep it with me though, the jacket I mean. None of mom's many acquaintances or clients can be allowed to see them. I just don't think at this point anybody's gonna say anything about it. I've been about as obvious before and one single person has reacted but not said anything, never. So i'm safe. Why bother suffering to hide them if I don't really have to?
