I made up the course code in the subject heading as a means to express how learning about me, from my mother's perspective, is much easier than what she is making it out to be. And it made me think of life as the School of Hard Knocks.
On Friday, I was called to the service room and someone asked if I had an admirer. There, on the bench, was a gorgeous bunch of flowers - gerberas, irises and some other yellow flower. I read the card attached and it was from someone who wished for me to keep spreading my sunshine around where ever I go. I had been very flat all week and doubted if anyone at work even gave a damn about me at all. I have made NO social friends and a lot of them catch up after work and on weekends. Only one person has made any effort with me. We went out for breakfast twice. He is a fellow black sheep too.
The note got me thinking. I do spend an extraordinary amount of time and energy trying to make people smile, and avoid finding reason to give me an angry face or an annoyed face. I do not make myself up to be eye candy for the men, or as a fashion template for other women to emulate. I think of myself as a white unicorn who leaves a trail of pretty, sparkly rainbow as I walk by. I want to give people some inner sunshine, because I know the work place is a place they have to be at, and abide by rules they don't agree with, etc.
Now, I appreciate this tends to lend people to think of me as a simpleton. Fine. It is not my normal demeanour. My normal self is deep, darkish and melancholic. When I am alone, I have a dull diamond within to guide me. I turn it on full for others, not me. I am nothing; a void. I am okay with that. It is who I am. I am the proverbial vanilla soft serve ice cream, while others are flavoured, topped and better quality. It is not my low self esteem talking, it is my reality of myself. Get me with people who lose their flavour, or drop their topping, I am the magical unicorn!
Many years ago, I was a student alongside a wonderful woman named S. She isn't particularly beautiful, in a conventional way, but is one of the most caring, genuine souls I've met. She oozes energy and radiates a strong will to live. I was jealous of her. People loved her. I got angry faces, blank faces, disappointed faces, scary faces directed at me. S got happy, grateful faces from others. I wanted that too. So, in the last 10 years, I began working on my sense of self. I moulded myself into something akin to S. I fake her energy, but if I can have smiling faces look at me, then it is better than what I've known for most of my life.
I feel awful that I deceive others with my fake unicorn rainbow. My intention is very real and genuine, but I lack my own way to generate happiness in others. The only group of people I am energetic and carefree with are children up to the age of 10. I am naturally child like. I think I am permanently a 10 yo tomboy affixed to a tree, wearing shorts and a t-shirt. I channel that part of myself at work to help make my alter ego easier to withstand. I don't intend to come across as fake and deceptive; I just want happier faces around me. I cannot stand workplaces that are depressive, moaning and negative. I am that way naturally, so I don't want to maintain that sort of energy.
My mother does not understand this sudden, new me. She does not comprehend why I am changing and these revelations are surfacing now. As you probably are aware, I am not new. I am not suddenly morphing into a new creature. The suppressed part of me that made faces angry or annoyed has been buried deep into my soul, where it began to fester and manifest itself into a pus ball. I don't even like this part of myself!! If I behaved like a good girl, looked like a 'good looking' girl, said all the right things and blended into the crowd, I'd be just fine. No. I had that growing ball to contend with.
In all fairness to myself, I owe that ball a lot of gratitude. It stayed hidden during those times it was unsafe to be anything but good. It fed my external personality, but now it demands its own space. I risk it becoming cancerous and over taking me. It has made ME angry and annoyed on the inside. How can I spread a sparkly rainbow at work if I am riddled with pus??
So, ironically, the very woman I questioned as being fake to me sent me flowers to cheer me up. It has made me wonder if their smiles and happy faces they give me back are as contrived, but well meaning as my rainbow sparkle... Perhaps. But it shows that we all come from the same place. A place where life is safe, encompassing and life affirming. These flowers didn't cheer me up; instead they gave me a sense of solidarity that we are seeking the same thing, and we all carry that desire to be pleased, and to please. The flowers pleased my inner darkness and gave me the impetus to find more energy to keep my sunshine going.
On Friday, I was called to the service room and someone asked if I had an admirer. There, on the bench, was a gorgeous bunch of flowers - gerberas, irises and some other yellow flower. I read the card attached and it was from someone who wished for me to keep spreading my sunshine around where ever I go. I had been very flat all week and doubted if anyone at work even gave a damn about me at all. I have made NO social friends and a lot of them catch up after work and on weekends. Only one person has made any effort with me. We went out for breakfast twice. He is a fellow black sheep too.
The note got me thinking. I do spend an extraordinary amount of time and energy trying to make people smile, and avoid finding reason to give me an angry face or an annoyed face. I do not make myself up to be eye candy for the men, or as a fashion template for other women to emulate. I think of myself as a white unicorn who leaves a trail of pretty, sparkly rainbow as I walk by. I want to give people some inner sunshine, because I know the work place is a place they have to be at, and abide by rules they don't agree with, etc.
Now, I appreciate this tends to lend people to think of me as a simpleton. Fine. It is not my normal demeanour. My normal self is deep, darkish and melancholic. When I am alone, I have a dull diamond within to guide me. I turn it on full for others, not me. I am nothing; a void. I am okay with that. It is who I am. I am the proverbial vanilla soft serve ice cream, while others are flavoured, topped and better quality. It is not my low self esteem talking, it is my reality of myself. Get me with people who lose their flavour, or drop their topping, I am the magical unicorn!
Many years ago, I was a student alongside a wonderful woman named S. She isn't particularly beautiful, in a conventional way, but is one of the most caring, genuine souls I've met. She oozes energy and radiates a strong will to live. I was jealous of her. People loved her. I got angry faces, blank faces, disappointed faces, scary faces directed at me. S got happy, grateful faces from others. I wanted that too. So, in the last 10 years, I began working on my sense of self. I moulded myself into something akin to S. I fake her energy, but if I can have smiling faces look at me, then it is better than what I've known for most of my life.
I feel awful that I deceive others with my fake unicorn rainbow. My intention is very real and genuine, but I lack my own way to generate happiness in others. The only group of people I am energetic and carefree with are children up to the age of 10. I am naturally child like. I think I am permanently a 10 yo tomboy affixed to a tree, wearing shorts and a t-shirt. I channel that part of myself at work to help make my alter ego easier to withstand. I don't intend to come across as fake and deceptive; I just want happier faces around me. I cannot stand workplaces that are depressive, moaning and negative. I am that way naturally, so I don't want to maintain that sort of energy.
My mother does not understand this sudden, new me. She does not comprehend why I am changing and these revelations are surfacing now. As you probably are aware, I am not new. I am not suddenly morphing into a new creature. The suppressed part of me that made faces angry or annoyed has been buried deep into my soul, where it began to fester and manifest itself into a pus ball. I don't even like this part of myself!! If I behaved like a good girl, looked like a 'good looking' girl, said all the right things and blended into the crowd, I'd be just fine. No. I had that growing ball to contend with.
In all fairness to myself, I owe that ball a lot of gratitude. It stayed hidden during those times it was unsafe to be anything but good. It fed my external personality, but now it demands its own space. I risk it becoming cancerous and over taking me. It has made ME angry and annoyed on the inside. How can I spread a sparkly rainbow at work if I am riddled with pus??
So, ironically, the very woman I questioned as being fake to me sent me flowers to cheer me up. It has made me wonder if their smiles and happy faces they give me back are as contrived, but well meaning as my rainbow sparkle... Perhaps. But it shows that we all come from the same place. A place where life is safe, encompassing and life affirming. These flowers didn't cheer me up; instead they gave me a sense of solidarity that we are seeking the same thing, and we all carry that desire to be pleased, and to please. The flowers pleased my inner darkness and gave me the impetus to find more energy to keep my sunshine going.
