Hi.
How should I start this blog entry.
I'm truly confused with myself. I cannot understand any feeling inside me anymore. I'm a person who has been able to identify my emotions thanks to a lot of training for years and it wasn't until now that I'm lost with what's going on inside me.
My professional situation is complicated because I've been changed of unit and I'm scared, insecure, lost, doubtful. The sensory overloads are intense with smells or things I have to touch. Also, when I bath and water splash all over me. When they confuse me with their comments and I can't really be authoritarian with them as I can't shout as my coworkers. I feel truly small.
But then, my personal situation is a disaster. Last month, my grandmother came to my house because she's already very dependant and can't be alone annymore. At first, I helped my mother, I was with her, I tried to do well in her care as I'm literally taking care of people the whole day. However, my granmother started to be seriously depressed, crying the whole day, complaining, being very angry and rude to us. I started to be more and more overwhelmed by this behaviour, having small meltdowns I tried to cover.
It wasn't until last week when she fainted and went to the hospital. Doctors said she was fine, just the pain. But on Saturday, it happened again and when we called, the doctor told us it's small ictus that she's suffering because her body is starting to malfunction. That night was hell. I thought she was going to cry. I kept awake until 4:30 AM after having worked 8 hours crying because I thought I was watching her dying and I couldn't do anything.
She survived though. And I felt terrible because I wasn't happy about that. Maybe I'm a monster for thinking maybe it's better for her to go already because her brain is stopping working. In three days, she can't talk properly, can't understand us, can't walk, can't do anything. The worst is that I can't face it. I can't see her like that. My brain can't overcome it anymore. I avoid the same room as her, I don't check on her anymore, I don't help my mother anymore. I feel terrible but I seriously can't.
I get confused, overwhelmed, seriously irritated. I don't want to think she's even home because the moment I remember that, I want to run away from my own home. I don't understand what's going on inside me for behaving like that. I only feel like a complete monster for doing this to my family. This just worsens my previous depressed mood I've been carrying with me. My feeling of being worse than what I thought I was, a good for nothing, a lazy ass, a weak person, was pretty if you compared it with the image I have right now about myself.
Just a horrible monster.
My grandmother is dying slowly in the next bedroom and I'm watching a series, as if nothing happened. I can't react. I can't feel sadness anymore. I just move on as if everything was fine. As if it didn't exist. As if this is not real.
I'm breaking slowly, afraid that I will reach a point where I can't heal back. I'm afraid it will never will get better, that I will never get better. That I will lose hope forever.
I can't say I'm doing my best because I know it's not true. But I'm trying to survive, to think something better is awaiting for me.
However, I'm pretty aware that monsters don't deserve anything better. Do I really deserve something better?
I just want to sleep. I don't feel meanwhile. Time goes faster. I hide from everything.
Tomoya 06/09/2022 10:39PM
How should I start this blog entry.
I'm truly confused with myself. I cannot understand any feeling inside me anymore. I'm a person who has been able to identify my emotions thanks to a lot of training for years and it wasn't until now that I'm lost with what's going on inside me.
My professional situation is complicated because I've been changed of unit and I'm scared, insecure, lost, doubtful. The sensory overloads are intense with smells or things I have to touch. Also, when I bath and water splash all over me. When they confuse me with their comments and I can't really be authoritarian with them as I can't shout as my coworkers. I feel truly small.
But then, my personal situation is a disaster. Last month, my grandmother came to my house because she's already very dependant and can't be alone annymore. At first, I helped my mother, I was with her, I tried to do well in her care as I'm literally taking care of people the whole day. However, my granmother started to be seriously depressed, crying the whole day, complaining, being very angry and rude to us. I started to be more and more overwhelmed by this behaviour, having small meltdowns I tried to cover.
It wasn't until last week when she fainted and went to the hospital. Doctors said she was fine, just the pain. But on Saturday, it happened again and when we called, the doctor told us it's small ictus that she's suffering because her body is starting to malfunction. That night was hell. I thought she was going to cry. I kept awake until 4:30 AM after having worked 8 hours crying because I thought I was watching her dying and I couldn't do anything.
She survived though. And I felt terrible because I wasn't happy about that. Maybe I'm a monster for thinking maybe it's better for her to go already because her brain is stopping working. In three days, she can't talk properly, can't understand us, can't walk, can't do anything. The worst is that I can't face it. I can't see her like that. My brain can't overcome it anymore. I avoid the same room as her, I don't check on her anymore, I don't help my mother anymore. I feel terrible but I seriously can't.
I get confused, overwhelmed, seriously irritated. I don't want to think she's even home because the moment I remember that, I want to run away from my own home. I don't understand what's going on inside me for behaving like that. I only feel like a complete monster for doing this to my family. This just worsens my previous depressed mood I've been carrying with me. My feeling of being worse than what I thought I was, a good for nothing, a lazy ass, a weak person, was pretty if you compared it with the image I have right now about myself.
Just a horrible monster.
My grandmother is dying slowly in the next bedroom and I'm watching a series, as if nothing happened. I can't react. I can't feel sadness anymore. I just move on as if everything was fine. As if it didn't exist. As if this is not real.
I'm breaking slowly, afraid that I will reach a point where I can't heal back. I'm afraid it will never will get better, that I will never get better. That I will lose hope forever.
I can't say I'm doing my best because I know it's not true. But I'm trying to survive, to think something better is awaiting for me.
However, I'm pretty aware that monsters don't deserve anything better. Do I really deserve something better?
I just want to sleep. I don't feel meanwhile. Time goes faster. I hide from everything.
Tomoya 06/09/2022 10:39PM
