Hi.
It's been a while since I last wrote in here. My last post was indeed telling you all about my confession that nowadays it has made a change in my life.
In a brief summary, these last months have been truly complicated for me. I studied a lot, worked hard to get good marks, I also tried to get better socially speaking. I even started to visit a psychologist, who is truly helping me.
But aside of personal troubles that somehow got mad lately and which is driving me insane, there's one that is totally out of my control and I'm constantly exposed and confused. I hope you may help me as long as my friends barely want to talk about it and just warn me.
Since that day, when I confessed to my teacher, he started to be more friendly with me. I pretended to be normal in class, but he began to do weird things that at first I thought it was only my imagination. Getting into my personal space, for example. One day I was mad because of something that happened in his class and he went to search for me to make sure I was fine, he stayed with me talking about it, didn't understimate my feelings and apologized to me, and what I sincerely loved is that he somehow offered his fist so I could clash mine against his as saying everything was fine. And moreover, the same day we had to talk with him personally and when I went, he adviced me to be calmer and we laughed together even.
This among many other small things about bickering with exams or calling me randomly to see who's missing. Then, Christmas happened and I promised myself to stop liking him so much. I did my mind, I was ready to make it work. And the first two weeks were so nice, I didn't think of him, classes were nice, I thought for a second it was working out. However, he started to do **** around me again. The first day he asked me after everyone had left in class how I was going. My answer was "I'm still breathing" and got him speechless as usual. Then, three fridays ago, he approached me to place the chair beside me correctly and looking at the closet, he spoke lowly "Stay a while, I wanna talk with you" and went away. So I stayed and he asked me the same "what is happening to you that you seem truly off lately". I didn't give him much detail. But we kept like 10 min talking. He told me if I wanted to talk, I could rely on him or on any other teacher. He gave me encouragement. I have no idea why he did so. But obviously it was what I needed to make my feelings came back. If they had ever been away.
Then, these last two weeks we've seen instrumental and he kept showing us. I keep playing with all of it so interactions arose. Especially hand touching. It's just been like 2-3 times, but it was the weirdest hand touches I ever felt in my life. We were touching around so it's easy to make our hands clash like mine against his the last day when I needed to grab something and he went to grab another thing. However, there were two moments I keep thinking.
He has an usual habit of approaching to point out on our books with his hand. Then, I was removing mine, but he did a strange movement towards mine to hit it slightly instead of returning his through the same path as it came. I have no idea what it was.
But I was sure something's odd when I went to give him something really small so I thought he was going to show me his palm so I just had to put it on it. Naïve of me when he literally grabbed all my fingers with his while grabbing it.
Could it be he was moving fast and really didn't care about touching someone else's hands? It could be. But why with me? Why must it happen to me from whom he knows what I feel?
It was the same on Thursday when I finished his exam and I had on Totoro kigurumi on that day because we went on pyjamas to class because of Carnavals. So I sat on my chair and he stood up just to walk around and approach me to ask how I did. However, what shocked me was his face. He had a big smile on it, shinning eyes. And when I told him I hadn't studied he kept with the smile and said "oh is that it?". For a second I thought he was dumb or having a electrical outpower in his brain. This got me mad because in another exam when I raised a hand for a question, he ignored me so much even the woman, who is doing a master and came to be taught with him, pointed me out and he just nodded and kept talking with her until he wanted to came with that smile, I have no idea if I love or hate.
Then, I got seriously shocked in the last exam because he invents some stories to make the exercises. Then, one had the names of our four teachers and the right answer was the person under his name. So I thought he might have done it on purpose because he wanted us, or me, to write his name down. What did I do? I wrote the right answer without his name, so yesterday when I checked the exam with him (he does it in every exam with everyone), I saw that exercise, which was correct, and he had wrote his name in capital letters and each one was remarked a few times with the red pen, not just wrote it fast.
I went to my friends and asked if someone else had wrote the right answer without his name and there was one who did, but he hadn't written his name, just the right stick.
I got mad. I got confused. I got frustrated. Because I'm unable to read if what I'm seeing is correct and everyone around me warns me I must be careful. That he's playing with me as long as he likes to be liked, but that's all. Everyone tells me he's chasing me as I don't chase him. Because when I talk to him as student, I never try to hit on him, he's all normal or ignores me. I'm so sure he's playing with me, but for what?
I'm the ugliest in class, why is he making me think I may be worth of something I will never have? He has no idea how I crave for someone who loves me without expecting anything on return. No one has ever hit on me before. No one has smiled at me like that before. And people around me want me to stay cool and ignore him when all I want is him destroying me as human. Because I know he will. Our lifestyles, status on life, likes, are so different. He wants freedom (for what I understood by some comments) and I want a stable relationship.
And even knowing this, being all aware of how much it would hurt me, I'm the happiest when I see stuff like this, and mad at me because of liking it so much. I don't love myself even a single bit and if I fail, he will be able to do anything that I won't oppose. Because I need someone to love me so badly I'm willing to be destroyed.
Do I really like him this much?
Tomoya 11:42 AM 18/02/2023
It's been a while since I last wrote in here. My last post was indeed telling you all about my confession that nowadays it has made a change in my life.
In a brief summary, these last months have been truly complicated for me. I studied a lot, worked hard to get good marks, I also tried to get better socially speaking. I even started to visit a psychologist, who is truly helping me.
But aside of personal troubles that somehow got mad lately and which is driving me insane, there's one that is totally out of my control and I'm constantly exposed and confused. I hope you may help me as long as my friends barely want to talk about it and just warn me.
Since that day, when I confessed to my teacher, he started to be more friendly with me. I pretended to be normal in class, but he began to do weird things that at first I thought it was only my imagination. Getting into my personal space, for example. One day I was mad because of something that happened in his class and he went to search for me to make sure I was fine, he stayed with me talking about it, didn't understimate my feelings and apologized to me, and what I sincerely loved is that he somehow offered his fist so I could clash mine against his as saying everything was fine. And moreover, the same day we had to talk with him personally and when I went, he adviced me to be calmer and we laughed together even.
This among many other small things about bickering with exams or calling me randomly to see who's missing. Then, Christmas happened and I promised myself to stop liking him so much. I did my mind, I was ready to make it work. And the first two weeks were so nice, I didn't think of him, classes were nice, I thought for a second it was working out. However, he started to do **** around me again. The first day he asked me after everyone had left in class how I was going. My answer was "I'm still breathing" and got him speechless as usual. Then, three fridays ago, he approached me to place the chair beside me correctly and looking at the closet, he spoke lowly "Stay a while, I wanna talk with you" and went away. So I stayed and he asked me the same "what is happening to you that you seem truly off lately". I didn't give him much detail. But we kept like 10 min talking. He told me if I wanted to talk, I could rely on him or on any other teacher. He gave me encouragement. I have no idea why he did so. But obviously it was what I needed to make my feelings came back. If they had ever been away.
Then, these last two weeks we've seen instrumental and he kept showing us. I keep playing with all of it so interactions arose. Especially hand touching. It's just been like 2-3 times, but it was the weirdest hand touches I ever felt in my life. We were touching around so it's easy to make our hands clash like mine against his the last day when I needed to grab something and he went to grab another thing. However, there were two moments I keep thinking.
He has an usual habit of approaching to point out on our books with his hand. Then, I was removing mine, but he did a strange movement towards mine to hit it slightly instead of returning his through the same path as it came. I have no idea what it was.
But I was sure something's odd when I went to give him something really small so I thought he was going to show me his palm so I just had to put it on it. Naïve of me when he literally grabbed all my fingers with his while grabbing it.
Could it be he was moving fast and really didn't care about touching someone else's hands? It could be. But why with me? Why must it happen to me from whom he knows what I feel?
It was the same on Thursday when I finished his exam and I had on Totoro kigurumi on that day because we went on pyjamas to class because of Carnavals. So I sat on my chair and he stood up just to walk around and approach me to ask how I did. However, what shocked me was his face. He had a big smile on it, shinning eyes. And when I told him I hadn't studied he kept with the smile and said "oh is that it?". For a second I thought he was dumb or having a electrical outpower in his brain. This got me mad because in another exam when I raised a hand for a question, he ignored me so much even the woman, who is doing a master and came to be taught with him, pointed me out and he just nodded and kept talking with her until he wanted to came with that smile, I have no idea if I love or hate.
Then, I got seriously shocked in the last exam because he invents some stories to make the exercises. Then, one had the names of our four teachers and the right answer was the person under his name. So I thought he might have done it on purpose because he wanted us, or me, to write his name down. What did I do? I wrote the right answer without his name, so yesterday when I checked the exam with him (he does it in every exam with everyone), I saw that exercise, which was correct, and he had wrote his name in capital letters and each one was remarked a few times with the red pen, not just wrote it fast.
I went to my friends and asked if someone else had wrote the right answer without his name and there was one who did, but he hadn't written his name, just the right stick.
I got mad. I got confused. I got frustrated. Because I'm unable to read if what I'm seeing is correct and everyone around me warns me I must be careful. That he's playing with me as long as he likes to be liked, but that's all. Everyone tells me he's chasing me as I don't chase him. Because when I talk to him as student, I never try to hit on him, he's all normal or ignores me. I'm so sure he's playing with me, but for what?
I'm the ugliest in class, why is he making me think I may be worth of something I will never have? He has no idea how I crave for someone who loves me without expecting anything on return. No one has ever hit on me before. No one has smiled at me like that before. And people around me want me to stay cool and ignore him when all I want is him destroying me as human. Because I know he will. Our lifestyles, status on life, likes, are so different. He wants freedom (for what I understood by some comments) and I want a stable relationship.
And even knowing this, being all aware of how much it would hurt me, I'm the happiest when I see stuff like this, and mad at me because of liking it so much. I don't love myself even a single bit and if I fail, he will be able to do anything that I won't oppose. Because I need someone to love me so badly I'm willing to be destroyed.
Do I really like him this much?
Tomoya 11:42 AM 18/02/2023
