I am obsessed with what I am doing wrong and that I am a endless failure, when I surcome to my delusions and general negativity. Doubts set in. I start wanting to sit and ruminate on everything I am doing wrong. Even mistakes, or not paying attention will just be added on.
I beat on myself so hard, that nothing else can fill the space. I lose myself to the delusions of being the always wrong, always bad, always in trouble, persona I forced on myself.
I understand now it's a mix of trama, depression, and psychosis. These things agitate my Autism and force me into meltdowns and I shut off.
Though I do notice, that once I fall into that negativity trap. It's very hard to get out of it. But even this hasn't been so much the case now. I can rebound quicker than I have in the past. Though, alot of it comes from an understanding that my negative thoughts are just that. They don't mean anything, if I don't allow it to.
My mind is inclined to self-judgement and self-beratement. But not by my own choice orginally. I was forced into this by an uncaring parental unit. But it is my fault in holding it as a standard, as a person. Not allowing evolution, nor learning. Not allowing focus. All out of the desire to hide from 'horrible' things. Things that have ceased existing for sometime.
Now it's about adjusting my mindset and removing the negativity that haunts me. I know I'll never forget. But I can move on from it.
I beat on myself so hard, that nothing else can fill the space. I lose myself to the delusions of being the always wrong, always bad, always in trouble, persona I forced on myself.
I understand now it's a mix of trama, depression, and psychosis. These things agitate my Autism and force me into meltdowns and I shut off.
Though I do notice, that once I fall into that negativity trap. It's very hard to get out of it. But even this hasn't been so much the case now. I can rebound quicker than I have in the past. Though, alot of it comes from an understanding that my negative thoughts are just that. They don't mean anything, if I don't allow it to.
My mind is inclined to self-judgement and self-beratement. But not by my own choice orginally. I was forced into this by an uncaring parental unit. But it is my fault in holding it as a standard, as a person. Not allowing evolution, nor learning. Not allowing focus. All out of the desire to hide from 'horrible' things. Things that have ceased existing for sometime.
Now it's about adjusting my mindset and removing the negativity that haunts me. I know I'll never forget. But I can move on from it.
