Hi.
I wrote the other day about this matter, but somehow I felt a bit more positive about it. Today, I went to class after four days of holidays and I saw again my sad reality.
I am ugly. My face is round, with acne scars, purple eye bags, my teeth are ugly too as I can't pay for their esthetical fix, my nose is gigantic and I have double chin. Boring haircut, round, brown eyes. Normal body covered with several layers of clothes. No muscles, no curves, just two thin arms, ugly legs, excessive amount of hair. My voice is ugly too and I talk like if words were hard for me (when they aren't, it's just my pronunciation is vague).
All my life I've heard how ugly I am, how weird I am, how it was my fault to be alone, how fat I am, how they wouldn't touch me even with a stick. A lot of years, a lot of people.
Friends tell me I am good. But I know they just say it because of course it's not nice to say otherwise. They instead focus on my inside. My values, my point of view, my positivity, my strength. And alright, I must agree, those are beautiful things in life, but let's be honest, who are the ones with constant partners? Good-looking people. Who are loved by everyone? Good-looking people. Who are praised and valued? Good-looking people. And suddenly all those things of values and morality are forgotten.
Then, now I seriously wonder, will I ever find someone who will love me for who I am instead of how I look thag I will love too? Because I found people who loved me by who I was, but I didn't love them and just answered their feelings because I needed love and warmth from someone else. The real, complicated situation is that the person who I like will love me too for who I am instead of for how I look.
And I feel that's nearly impossible.
Moreover now, the person who's making me meet a part of me I never saw before is one of these. Handsome, clever, loved by all the girls wherever he goes, charismatic, he cares. Truly the person everyone would love as boyfriend.
And it's me who will gain his attention? Simce when do I live in a movie? Since when do I believe in fairy tales?
I wish I could just think I'm happy for having met him and made me known myself better, but I can't. This feeling makes me be greed. Needful. I hate myself for that. Because I know how toxic I am and yet I want to be part of his life.
I don't know what happens inside of me. I just can't understand why his voice reassures me and why the sudden thought that he will never see me saddens me like a tragedy. I have no idea why he makes a mess out of me. Why all he does means something. Why everything he does or says is interesting. Why my brain can't stop thinking about him.
Why all I daydream about him is so perfect.
And feeling all of this is so shameful. I feel ridiculous. If he knows this, he will laugh, he will think I've gone nuts, or what's worse, that I'm just the same as those 16-years-old girls of my class who are just a bunch of hormones.
I hate just the thought he may think I'm a weirdo. Who do I think I am? Just an ugly person who disgust humans. I disgust even myself. Anyone is better than me. No matter how I try to take care of me, to find my personality, to build a charisma and be friendly, to improve my looks, to be better student and worker. I'm just low average. A very simple human whose existence is vague, insignificant.
He will never stare at me twice. He doesn't even know my name. And it hurts so bad. It hurts so bad that just because I wasn't lucky with just my appearance I don't even have a chance, I want to give up on searching for love.
It hurts everything would just remain as a dream.
But I want to think tomorrow I will be glad to spend two hours in his classes. Just glad that he said hi to me. That he, somehow, knew I ever existed.
Tomoya 4/11/2022 12:55AM
I wrote the other day about this matter, but somehow I felt a bit more positive about it. Today, I went to class after four days of holidays and I saw again my sad reality.
I am ugly. My face is round, with acne scars, purple eye bags, my teeth are ugly too as I can't pay for their esthetical fix, my nose is gigantic and I have double chin. Boring haircut, round, brown eyes. Normal body covered with several layers of clothes. No muscles, no curves, just two thin arms, ugly legs, excessive amount of hair. My voice is ugly too and I talk like if words were hard for me (when they aren't, it's just my pronunciation is vague).
All my life I've heard how ugly I am, how weird I am, how it was my fault to be alone, how fat I am, how they wouldn't touch me even with a stick. A lot of years, a lot of people.
Friends tell me I am good. But I know they just say it because of course it's not nice to say otherwise. They instead focus on my inside. My values, my point of view, my positivity, my strength. And alright, I must agree, those are beautiful things in life, but let's be honest, who are the ones with constant partners? Good-looking people. Who are loved by everyone? Good-looking people. Who are praised and valued? Good-looking people. And suddenly all those things of values and morality are forgotten.
Then, now I seriously wonder, will I ever find someone who will love me for who I am instead of how I look thag I will love too? Because I found people who loved me by who I was, but I didn't love them and just answered their feelings because I needed love and warmth from someone else. The real, complicated situation is that the person who I like will love me too for who I am instead of for how I look.
And I feel that's nearly impossible.
Moreover now, the person who's making me meet a part of me I never saw before is one of these. Handsome, clever, loved by all the girls wherever he goes, charismatic, he cares. Truly the person everyone would love as boyfriend.
And it's me who will gain his attention? Simce when do I live in a movie? Since when do I believe in fairy tales?
I wish I could just think I'm happy for having met him and made me known myself better, but I can't. This feeling makes me be greed. Needful. I hate myself for that. Because I know how toxic I am and yet I want to be part of his life.
I don't know what happens inside of me. I just can't understand why his voice reassures me and why the sudden thought that he will never see me saddens me like a tragedy. I have no idea why he makes a mess out of me. Why all he does means something. Why everything he does or says is interesting. Why my brain can't stop thinking about him.
Why all I daydream about him is so perfect.
And feeling all of this is so shameful. I feel ridiculous. If he knows this, he will laugh, he will think I've gone nuts, or what's worse, that I'm just the same as those 16-years-old girls of my class who are just a bunch of hormones.
I hate just the thought he may think I'm a weirdo. Who do I think I am? Just an ugly person who disgust humans. I disgust even myself. Anyone is better than me. No matter how I try to take care of me, to find my personality, to build a charisma and be friendly, to improve my looks, to be better student and worker. I'm just low average. A very simple human whose existence is vague, insignificant.
He will never stare at me twice. He doesn't even know my name. And it hurts so bad. It hurts so bad that just because I wasn't lucky with just my appearance I don't even have a chance, I want to give up on searching for love.
It hurts everything would just remain as a dream.
But I want to think tomorrow I will be glad to spend two hours in his classes. Just glad that he said hi to me. That he, somehow, knew I ever existed.
Tomoya 4/11/2022 12:55AM
