I had my first meltdown in over a year today. And today is the first day I have recognized that my meltdowns are, maybe, different than an NT might exprience.
Despite the draining, ugly nature of my meltdown, seeing this event differently is a relief!
Ever since I remember, meltdowns have been a part of my life. They have been shocking in intensity and bewildering for me to have. I'll be minding my own business and a comment from another sets off this tsunami of emotion. Usually the comment is a trigger a string of memories that feel like I am experienceing the event all over again. Oh my, that sounds like ptsd dosen't it?
So here is my hypothesis: ASD has hard wired my brain to be mal adaptive to stress. A cascade of hormones and neurochemicals is launched in response to stress in a process that is not dissimilar to an autoimmune disease or maybe a cytokine storm.
So there are several things going on here at once. I have been sitting here for an hour trying to write down these thoughts but they are hard to wrangle, so bear with me please.
In the NT brain a meltdown might come about as the result of ptsd stemming from some trauma.
With the ND brain my hypothesis is that the ND brain is already wired similarly to a ptsd brain. (I am sure research has already been done on this and I am getting it wrong, but it soothes me to work at this like a puzzle.)
What this may mean is that the ND brain experiences heightened stress in response to fairly average stressors. The ND may perceive these stressors as more dangerous or harmful than they really are and misinterpret the inherent ptsd as confirmation of that danger. A negative feed back loop is established.
I am really trying to answer the chicken and egg question.
What triggered my meltdown today was old hurts rising up from the dead. In my memories are a host of negative memories from childhood and my teen years. Neglect, emotional abuse etc etc.
I thought I had managed to deal with and heal from these events years ago. But my mother and I seem to trigger one another over and over again. Even though I had thought I had reached a place of emotional maturity and acceptance long ago. I thought I had moved on.
So I was thinking on this question of "why" can't I really let go? Ptsd maybe but I've had these meltdowns all my life. Why?
So I started to think about chickens and eggs. What if the ptsd came first? What if my brain were wired that way and all the hurt and emotional pain was because my subconscious was reaching for an explaination for my ptsd? It would be like waking up in a box with no knowledge of how you got there. Your body hurts all over and, the only the only other thing in the box is a stick. You might conclude that the stick is the cause of your pain but what caused the pain is the car crash that you don't remember.
I hope, once I have remembered the car crash I can stop blaming the stick.
When I read this again, I hope my ideas are clear to me.
Tdlr; my brain maybe hardwired with ptsd that makes many events seem dangerous and a misunderstanding of this process has resulted in mismanagement of my meltdowns (or something like that)
An interesting article in Scientific American
Does Autism Raise the Risk of PTSD?
If you are reading this and have comments or information to share please add you comments to this blog entry. I am muddling about and could use help?
Despite the draining, ugly nature of my meltdown, seeing this event differently is a relief!
Ever since I remember, meltdowns have been a part of my life. They have been shocking in intensity and bewildering for me to have. I'll be minding my own business and a comment from another sets off this tsunami of emotion. Usually the comment is a trigger a string of memories that feel like I am experienceing the event all over again. Oh my, that sounds like ptsd dosen't it?
So here is my hypothesis: ASD has hard wired my brain to be mal adaptive to stress. A cascade of hormones and neurochemicals is launched in response to stress in a process that is not dissimilar to an autoimmune disease or maybe a cytokine storm.
So there are several things going on here at once. I have been sitting here for an hour trying to write down these thoughts but they are hard to wrangle, so bear with me please.
In the NT brain a meltdown might come about as the result of ptsd stemming from some trauma.
With the ND brain my hypothesis is that the ND brain is already wired similarly to a ptsd brain. (I am sure research has already been done on this and I am getting it wrong, but it soothes me to work at this like a puzzle.)
What this may mean is that the ND brain experiences heightened stress in response to fairly average stressors. The ND may perceive these stressors as more dangerous or harmful than they really are and misinterpret the inherent ptsd as confirmation of that danger. A negative feed back loop is established.
I am really trying to answer the chicken and egg question.
What triggered my meltdown today was old hurts rising up from the dead. In my memories are a host of negative memories from childhood and my teen years. Neglect, emotional abuse etc etc.
I thought I had managed to deal with and heal from these events years ago. But my mother and I seem to trigger one another over and over again. Even though I had thought I had reached a place of emotional maturity and acceptance long ago. I thought I had moved on.
So I was thinking on this question of "why" can't I really let go? Ptsd maybe but I've had these meltdowns all my life. Why?
So I started to think about chickens and eggs. What if the ptsd came first? What if my brain were wired that way and all the hurt and emotional pain was because my subconscious was reaching for an explaination for my ptsd? It would be like waking up in a box with no knowledge of how you got there. Your body hurts all over and, the only the only other thing in the box is a stick. You might conclude that the stick is the cause of your pain but what caused the pain is the car crash that you don't remember.
I hope, once I have remembered the car crash I can stop blaming the stick.
When I read this again, I hope my ideas are clear to me.
Tdlr; my brain maybe hardwired with ptsd that makes many events seem dangerous and a misunderstanding of this process has resulted in mismanagement of my meltdowns (or something like that)
An interesting article in Scientific American
Does Autism Raise the Risk of PTSD?
If you are reading this and have comments or information to share please add you comments to this blog entry. I am muddling about and could use help?
