Yesterday I wrote a little bit about a young man I met over Thanksgiving who had ADHD. I'm going to call him "Jonathan" although that is not his real name.
I run into people like him quite frequently and it really breaks my heart because on one hand, he is a very nice person with a lot of potential. On the other hand, and I am speaking from the perspective of being a few decades older and more experienced in life, because of the way he comes across to others, it is going to be very hard for him to achieve that potential. He's already quite behind the game, and he has a lot of competition that is younger and more socially savvy.
Now I realize that we all develop at different rates and some of us are late bloomers who have yet to reach our stride, but when we do, look out. However, the trend in society is to favor the early achievers, and this is bad news for the "Jonathans" of this world.
There seems to be a window of time, usually around the early 20's, where people are expected to shed the floundering of adolescence and start settling down, start working towards a career or otherwise join the workforce, and start thinking about establishing families. Notice I didn't say the process is completed at that point, that may take a few more years, and everyone is different. But I think if I explain further you will see what I mean.
The first thing you notice about Jonathan is that he is loud. He lives life at full volume. I don't know if he has a hearing problem (wouldn't surprise me if he did), but he is unwilling or unable to modulate his voice. Several times during the dinner his parents and siblings either told him directly to talk lower or hinted at it. Jonathan acknowledges he has a volume problem, even jokes about it, but does not take it seriously. Now, I do not know if he is like this outside of his family, but if he is, it is going to be a big liability. Not only is he loud, but he is impulsive, interrupting or hijacking conversations, and again, he was gently reminded that he was interrupting and not letting people finish their conversations. Again, this made no perceptible dent in his behavior. It was like sitting near a five year old. The fact that he is nearly 30 and still doing menial work like dishwashing when he obviously has the intelligence to do more demanding work that is more in line with his true interests, tells me that he has already experienced rejection in the job market due to these traits. He is currently going to a small business college to pursue a career in computers.
Now I used to work as a dishwasher, and it is hard, menial work. There's nothing wrong with being a dishwasher. But if you want to break into the professions, you have to know how to act professional. You might be able to get away with immature, impulsive behavior if you are standing at a dishwashing machine in a restaurant. You will not get away with it if you want to move up the ladder. And if, by chance, Jonathan makes it through the interview process and gets hired, then he has his co-workers to deal with. As King Oni said in response to one of my blogs, employers do have ways of getting rid of someone who doesn't fit in. He knows what he is talking about. I'd like to add that one of the things employers like to do is to find ways of encouraging someone who doesn't fit in to leave on their own, rather than fire them. The reason is that way they do not have to pay unemployment, at least not in my state. That doesn't mean that they can't and won't fire you. But if they can get you to quit, they come out ahead. So never quit a job unless you have another to go to right away.
What Jonathan and people like him need is a life coach, someone who will be honest with them and say, these are the things that are holding you back. I recently read about an actress who came to Hollywood from another country and was told that she had to lose her accent if she wanted to succeed. Apparently even though to her mind it was a very slight accent, those in the know told her that it was enough to keep her from getting the kind of work she wanted. So she got a language coach and learned how to sound more American. It worked, and now she is able to make a living doing what she loves. I do not know what Jonathan is capable of changing. I do not know if he is interested in changing (doesn't sound like it). I know for myself that if I'm not interested in something I have more difficulties learning it than if it is something I am keenly interested in. Boy, I have no problems whatsoever picking that up! Which is why people have trouble believing that I was put in special classes because I had a learning disability. That is because there were a lot of things I did not particularly want to learn or was interested in learning (at first) but when it became apparent that it was sink or swim, learn or pay the penalty, guess what, I found that I was indeed capable of learning these things. And I suspect that is the case with Jonathan.
Right now Jonathan's life is filled with safety nets. He has a family who loves and accepts him for who he is (maybe too much), so I don't think there is much danger of him ever being out on the streets with nowhere to go. At least not in the immediate future. His family is also somewhat affluent. He could probably live at home without putting too much strain on the family resources. But I know another man who displays spectrum traits who is at least ten years older than Jonathan; his parents are elderly, one is battling cancer, they live in an area with few resources and they themselves are not well-off--what is going to happen to him? He has a younger brother who is getting married soon, will this brother's wife want to take care of him? This man has a college education, but only works part time. He's been offered full-time work but refuses it. He's never been pushed and all of his needs have been catered to, to the point where he does not know how to do simple things like doing his own laundry. I am afraid there will be a very rude awakening for this man and it is coming soon. And it makes my heart ache to see it. But I cannot do anything for him even though he is a relative. I have all I can do to take care of myself. There are no safety nets in my life and haven't been.
It really makes my heart break. It really does.
I run into people like him quite frequently and it really breaks my heart because on one hand, he is a very nice person with a lot of potential. On the other hand, and I am speaking from the perspective of being a few decades older and more experienced in life, because of the way he comes across to others, it is going to be very hard for him to achieve that potential. He's already quite behind the game, and he has a lot of competition that is younger and more socially savvy.
Now I realize that we all develop at different rates and some of us are late bloomers who have yet to reach our stride, but when we do, look out. However, the trend in society is to favor the early achievers, and this is bad news for the "Jonathans" of this world.
There seems to be a window of time, usually around the early 20's, where people are expected to shed the floundering of adolescence and start settling down, start working towards a career or otherwise join the workforce, and start thinking about establishing families. Notice I didn't say the process is completed at that point, that may take a few more years, and everyone is different. But I think if I explain further you will see what I mean.
The first thing you notice about Jonathan is that he is loud. He lives life at full volume. I don't know if he has a hearing problem (wouldn't surprise me if he did), but he is unwilling or unable to modulate his voice. Several times during the dinner his parents and siblings either told him directly to talk lower or hinted at it. Jonathan acknowledges he has a volume problem, even jokes about it, but does not take it seriously. Now, I do not know if he is like this outside of his family, but if he is, it is going to be a big liability. Not only is he loud, but he is impulsive, interrupting or hijacking conversations, and again, he was gently reminded that he was interrupting and not letting people finish their conversations. Again, this made no perceptible dent in his behavior. It was like sitting near a five year old. The fact that he is nearly 30 and still doing menial work like dishwashing when he obviously has the intelligence to do more demanding work that is more in line with his true interests, tells me that he has already experienced rejection in the job market due to these traits. He is currently going to a small business college to pursue a career in computers.
Now I used to work as a dishwasher, and it is hard, menial work. There's nothing wrong with being a dishwasher. But if you want to break into the professions, you have to know how to act professional. You might be able to get away with immature, impulsive behavior if you are standing at a dishwashing machine in a restaurant. You will not get away with it if you want to move up the ladder. And if, by chance, Jonathan makes it through the interview process and gets hired, then he has his co-workers to deal with. As King Oni said in response to one of my blogs, employers do have ways of getting rid of someone who doesn't fit in. He knows what he is talking about. I'd like to add that one of the things employers like to do is to find ways of encouraging someone who doesn't fit in to leave on their own, rather than fire them. The reason is that way they do not have to pay unemployment, at least not in my state. That doesn't mean that they can't and won't fire you. But if they can get you to quit, they come out ahead. So never quit a job unless you have another to go to right away.
What Jonathan and people like him need is a life coach, someone who will be honest with them and say, these are the things that are holding you back. I recently read about an actress who came to Hollywood from another country and was told that she had to lose her accent if she wanted to succeed. Apparently even though to her mind it was a very slight accent, those in the know told her that it was enough to keep her from getting the kind of work she wanted. So she got a language coach and learned how to sound more American. It worked, and now she is able to make a living doing what she loves. I do not know what Jonathan is capable of changing. I do not know if he is interested in changing (doesn't sound like it). I know for myself that if I'm not interested in something I have more difficulties learning it than if it is something I am keenly interested in. Boy, I have no problems whatsoever picking that up! Which is why people have trouble believing that I was put in special classes because I had a learning disability. That is because there were a lot of things I did not particularly want to learn or was interested in learning (at first) but when it became apparent that it was sink or swim, learn or pay the penalty, guess what, I found that I was indeed capable of learning these things. And I suspect that is the case with Jonathan.
Right now Jonathan's life is filled with safety nets. He has a family who loves and accepts him for who he is (maybe too much), so I don't think there is much danger of him ever being out on the streets with nowhere to go. At least not in the immediate future. His family is also somewhat affluent. He could probably live at home without putting too much strain on the family resources. But I know another man who displays spectrum traits who is at least ten years older than Jonathan; his parents are elderly, one is battling cancer, they live in an area with few resources and they themselves are not well-off--what is going to happen to him? He has a younger brother who is getting married soon, will this brother's wife want to take care of him? This man has a college education, but only works part time. He's been offered full-time work but refuses it. He's never been pushed and all of his needs have been catered to, to the point where he does not know how to do simple things like doing his own laundry. I am afraid there will be a very rude awakening for this man and it is coming soon. And it makes my heart ache to see it. But I cannot do anything for him even though he is a relative. I have all I can do to take care of myself. There are no safety nets in my life and haven't been.
It really makes my heart break. It really does.
