Mom thinks she’s the perfect parent. In many ways she is indeed a great parent, we are all very well cared for physically. Mom has always had rule that we have to be involved in at least one out of the home hobby or activity growing up, as well. If i want advice on babysitting bubba, she’s always been willing to give it for instance.
But she’s also just as bad a mom as she is a good mom. She’s said so many hurtful things in anger that she only sometimes appologizes for. And when she appologizes i can never tell what exactly she's so sincerely appologizin for - the level of anger, the words said, getting mad in the first place? She justifies herself so well that i honestly don't understand it when she appologizes. If such incidents, such things she's said, are brought up again she will be angry and upset and deny it, insist she would never say such things. Something as simple as accidentally shutting a cupboard too loudly in the morning is enough to make her snap at me about it. Almost makes me hate my own name when some days everything i do seems to be wrong. The only meal i willingly eat downstairs is family dinner, otherwise i take everything up to my room and avoid being around them like the plague.
Growing up all of us were spanked but me being the first I got the brunt and the worst of everything. She always insisted she didn't want to spank me but had to because she loved me and called it discipline, punishment. Said that if she didn't punish us via grounding or spankin or whatever it was she would be a bad parent. Granted, she hasn’t mellowed out much with my little sister, but she’s gotten more lenient. I wasn’t allowed to feel much less express negative emotions, i was always told wipe that nasty look off your face even if i was just trying to appear neutral rather than upset or mad. She never thought that my dealin with depression since i started middle school was anything more than me being sorry for myself cause all i do is play on the computer i dont have friends. She always thought that if i'd just get out and just be more responsible i'd magically not be depressed.
She would always complain that no one did anything to help her around the house and that no one appreciated all the work she did. Yet whenever i'd offer she'd always ive me like five minutes of chores and insist nothing else needed done. But really, when you're a housewife, if you aren't fine with always having something to clean or cook or take care of then you should not be a housewife. She would never compliment me for anythin and good grades got nothing more than a simple 'good', approval that it wasn't a C really. I would get thanked for a chore and she would never tell me if i did soemthing wrong doin it or if i missed a spot, she would just go back and redo it. I would only hear i did all my chores wrong when she was yelling at me about something else entirely like a bad orthodonist appointment.
She never understood me with even everyday matters either. Mom always had the same things to say as a pep talk before every test i ever took as a child. I know you want to rush rush rush and be the first one done, but remember to slow down. Check your answers. You don’t need to be first. But in reality i refused to be the first one to be done and go get up to turn in my paper and would often wait for ten minutes or more once finished, doodling in the margins, until a big group of people went up to turn their papers in because i hated feeling like everyone was looking at me. Rather than actually talk to me about what may or may not have been wrong with my test taking abilities as a child she just assumed i was just like her as a child. Mom's always been the competitive one just like brother. To this day every time a new school year comes around she's like Hey why don't we have a competition and see who can get the best grades this year! And neither me or brother care for it. Its a pathetic attempt to motivate us all to get good grades. Sister is still young and any excuse to show up her brother is a good one, she can be competitive too. But sister gets all A's so she doesn't need the motivation.
Brother was parented the total opposite way that i was. Whereas i wasn’t even allowed to have friends over on a school night and got spanked for so much as arguing that i didn’t like whatever food they insisted i hadn’t given an honest try...brother was hardly ever disciplined. Neither parent was on the same page. Mom would want to keep him home on the weekends from going racing with dad as punishment for not cleaning his room, doing his chores, doing homework, whatever it was, but brother’s attitude always made her give in and let him go more often than not. She always said that grounding him punished everyone and she hated it so eventually she stopped grounding him and handed over dealing with brother to dad. Brother made being grounded so miserable for everyone, being angry all over the house, that mom eventually stopped keeping him home on the weekend. She would just tell dad to make sure brother had his room cleaned, homework done, and chores done before he left. Which of course dad didn’t care dad would take him even if nothing got done. So brother never really knew what discipline was until midway through middle school when he got bad enough that mom had to call the cops to the home cause he would get into physical altercations with mom.
Even now, when he’s got a career he’s working towards in his high school classes and he’s doin well, has a part time job, everything, he’s still treated much better than i was. I was never allowed to skip school even if i wasn't feeling well - i had to either be puking or running a fever for her to even consider letting me skip. But brother regularly gets to skip days of school to go to out of state races with dad, supposedly because he always makes up his work before he goes. I never had such an expensive hobby as brother does but if i had, surely i never would have been allowed to. I wasn't even allowed to have friends over on a school night growing up.
That's hardly it, either. If i had told my mom casually over the dinner table at his age now that i had a C in such and such class mom would be instantly all over it, mad, but with brother its like he’s talking about the weather she doesn’t care. She says its cause she knows he’ll work on it and has faith in him, but obviously i worked on my bad grades too cause i was rarely grounded for bad grades growing up and when i was they didn't stay that way. I knew better than to let them get to a C. Brother regularly gets Cs and mom doesn’t give a **** supposedly because he’s trustworthy. Growing up i was always told that if she didn’t spank me or ground me she would be a bad parent because that’s how a mom shows they love their child, by punishing them so they can learn a lesson and not just be allowed to get away with stuff and do whatever they wanted. That's how she rationalized nearly kicking me out too, cause i said i wanted a break from school to go to counseling. Apparently the one time i decided to put my own well being first and make a choice on my own for myself....it exploded in my face.
Eventually i just came to the very unfounded (but logical enough) conclusion that its because i was the surprise child. Mom and dad had me young when they were in college and they didn’t even marry until i was an infant. I would guess from the pictures i was one or two when they got married. Mom has never once said she regrets having me but she constantly talks about how she regrets marrying dad, that she hates him cause he’s selfish and only cares about himself. But if i had never been born she would have never needed to marry him, she could have finished her degree and got a good job and been self sufficient and been able to pick a good man, not someone she probably only married cause i was born and he promised to finish school and get a great job and support me and mom - which he has done.
Of course i say this and she’s still controlling with sister, the youngest of us three. She’s going into middle school next year and mom still picks out her outfits for the next day and fixes her dinner without asking what she wants. Which, because sister only eats a limited range of actual meals cause she is picky, means she will eat the same thing for dinner for weeks. But because mom never asks and sister understandably wont speak up and say she doesn’t want a meal mom already fixed....her groaning and looking at the plate is enough though. I've babysat kids off and on since i was a teenager and I always asked the kids what they wanted when dinner time came - from a few good choices i know the family had around. Why fix whatever i want to fix for the kids im in charge of if they will be the ones eating it? No point making a fuss out of dinner time if there's more than one decent option. Brother used to get choices and he ate even less of a variety when he was little than sister does. She’s forcing sister to continue playing piano too because she bought her an expensive keyboard the moment she said she wanted to take classes. Rather than test it out for a few classes and use someone else’s keyboard - surely someone somewhere has one she could have borrowed - mom spent so much money on her right away not knowing if this was something sister would turn out to like as much as she thought. And of course rather than try to teach values like hard work and sticking with it she’s motivating her thru how much money she could make teaching piano as an adult. All because otherwise, sister would not have an out of the home hobby she is engaged in and sit on her computer more than she already does. Because of course will all turn out to be depressed drug addicts or some **** if we don’t have a hobby growing up...
I don't want mothers day to come. I don't like my own mom. I hate her, to a degree. But i also feel bad thinking that. We've been so well cared for physically that to say i hate her cause she can be angry and mean whenever i **** up feels selfish. If i would have been better behaved, been more considerate, or tried harder in school as a kid she would never have needed to yell or anything. I was well cared for growing up - rides to school in the morning instead of the bus, help with homework if needed, a cupboard full of options for snacks to go with school lunches, food premade the night before so in the morning we can just heat it up on school mornings for breakfast and not just have cereal like most families, college funds, etc. So to say any of this feels...selfish and like its a betrayal to her, an insult to her. i used to not even let myself think about it much less allow myself to feel it or put it out online. I would literally self harm just for daring to think badly of such a perfect mom because surely she's right she has to be. Extreme black and white thinking but whatever. Honestly i still struggle with deciding if its okay to not like my own mom. Because really if i'd been a better kid, had been more careful, had tried harder in school, i'd have never ever gotten in trouble.
But she’s also just as bad a mom as she is a good mom. She’s said so many hurtful things in anger that she only sometimes appologizes for. And when she appologizes i can never tell what exactly she's so sincerely appologizin for - the level of anger, the words said, getting mad in the first place? She justifies herself so well that i honestly don't understand it when she appologizes. If such incidents, such things she's said, are brought up again she will be angry and upset and deny it, insist she would never say such things. Something as simple as accidentally shutting a cupboard too loudly in the morning is enough to make her snap at me about it. Almost makes me hate my own name when some days everything i do seems to be wrong. The only meal i willingly eat downstairs is family dinner, otherwise i take everything up to my room and avoid being around them like the plague.
Growing up all of us were spanked but me being the first I got the brunt and the worst of everything. She always insisted she didn't want to spank me but had to because she loved me and called it discipline, punishment. Said that if she didn't punish us via grounding or spankin or whatever it was she would be a bad parent. Granted, she hasn’t mellowed out much with my little sister, but she’s gotten more lenient. I wasn’t allowed to feel much less express negative emotions, i was always told wipe that nasty look off your face even if i was just trying to appear neutral rather than upset or mad. She never thought that my dealin with depression since i started middle school was anything more than me being sorry for myself cause all i do is play on the computer i dont have friends. She always thought that if i'd just get out and just be more responsible i'd magically not be depressed.
She would always complain that no one did anything to help her around the house and that no one appreciated all the work she did. Yet whenever i'd offer she'd always ive me like five minutes of chores and insist nothing else needed done. But really, when you're a housewife, if you aren't fine with always having something to clean or cook or take care of then you should not be a housewife. She would never compliment me for anythin and good grades got nothing more than a simple 'good', approval that it wasn't a C really. I would get thanked for a chore and she would never tell me if i did soemthing wrong doin it or if i missed a spot, she would just go back and redo it. I would only hear i did all my chores wrong when she was yelling at me about something else entirely like a bad orthodonist appointment.
She never understood me with even everyday matters either. Mom always had the same things to say as a pep talk before every test i ever took as a child. I know you want to rush rush rush and be the first one done, but remember to slow down. Check your answers. You don’t need to be first. But in reality i refused to be the first one to be done and go get up to turn in my paper and would often wait for ten minutes or more once finished, doodling in the margins, until a big group of people went up to turn their papers in because i hated feeling like everyone was looking at me. Rather than actually talk to me about what may or may not have been wrong with my test taking abilities as a child she just assumed i was just like her as a child. Mom's always been the competitive one just like brother. To this day every time a new school year comes around she's like Hey why don't we have a competition and see who can get the best grades this year! And neither me or brother care for it. Its a pathetic attempt to motivate us all to get good grades. Sister is still young and any excuse to show up her brother is a good one, she can be competitive too. But sister gets all A's so she doesn't need the motivation.
Brother was parented the total opposite way that i was. Whereas i wasn’t even allowed to have friends over on a school night and got spanked for so much as arguing that i didn’t like whatever food they insisted i hadn’t given an honest try...brother was hardly ever disciplined. Neither parent was on the same page. Mom would want to keep him home on the weekends from going racing with dad as punishment for not cleaning his room, doing his chores, doing homework, whatever it was, but brother’s attitude always made her give in and let him go more often than not. She always said that grounding him punished everyone and she hated it so eventually she stopped grounding him and handed over dealing with brother to dad. Brother made being grounded so miserable for everyone, being angry all over the house, that mom eventually stopped keeping him home on the weekend. She would just tell dad to make sure brother had his room cleaned, homework done, and chores done before he left. Which of course dad didn’t care dad would take him even if nothing got done. So brother never really knew what discipline was until midway through middle school when he got bad enough that mom had to call the cops to the home cause he would get into physical altercations with mom.
Even now, when he’s got a career he’s working towards in his high school classes and he’s doin well, has a part time job, everything, he’s still treated much better than i was. I was never allowed to skip school even if i wasn't feeling well - i had to either be puking or running a fever for her to even consider letting me skip. But brother regularly gets to skip days of school to go to out of state races with dad, supposedly because he always makes up his work before he goes. I never had such an expensive hobby as brother does but if i had, surely i never would have been allowed to. I wasn't even allowed to have friends over on a school night growing up.
That's hardly it, either. If i had told my mom casually over the dinner table at his age now that i had a C in such and such class mom would be instantly all over it, mad, but with brother its like he’s talking about the weather she doesn’t care. She says its cause she knows he’ll work on it and has faith in him, but obviously i worked on my bad grades too cause i was rarely grounded for bad grades growing up and when i was they didn't stay that way. I knew better than to let them get to a C. Brother regularly gets Cs and mom doesn’t give a **** supposedly because he’s trustworthy. Growing up i was always told that if she didn’t spank me or ground me she would be a bad parent because that’s how a mom shows they love their child, by punishing them so they can learn a lesson and not just be allowed to get away with stuff and do whatever they wanted. That's how she rationalized nearly kicking me out too, cause i said i wanted a break from school to go to counseling. Apparently the one time i decided to put my own well being first and make a choice on my own for myself....it exploded in my face.
Eventually i just came to the very unfounded (but logical enough) conclusion that its because i was the surprise child. Mom and dad had me young when they were in college and they didn’t even marry until i was an infant. I would guess from the pictures i was one or two when they got married. Mom has never once said she regrets having me but she constantly talks about how she regrets marrying dad, that she hates him cause he’s selfish and only cares about himself. But if i had never been born she would have never needed to marry him, she could have finished her degree and got a good job and been self sufficient and been able to pick a good man, not someone she probably only married cause i was born and he promised to finish school and get a great job and support me and mom - which he has done.
Of course i say this and she’s still controlling with sister, the youngest of us three. She’s going into middle school next year and mom still picks out her outfits for the next day and fixes her dinner without asking what she wants. Which, because sister only eats a limited range of actual meals cause she is picky, means she will eat the same thing for dinner for weeks. But because mom never asks and sister understandably wont speak up and say she doesn’t want a meal mom already fixed....her groaning and looking at the plate is enough though. I've babysat kids off and on since i was a teenager and I always asked the kids what they wanted when dinner time came - from a few good choices i know the family had around. Why fix whatever i want to fix for the kids im in charge of if they will be the ones eating it? No point making a fuss out of dinner time if there's more than one decent option. Brother used to get choices and he ate even less of a variety when he was little than sister does. She’s forcing sister to continue playing piano too because she bought her an expensive keyboard the moment she said she wanted to take classes. Rather than test it out for a few classes and use someone else’s keyboard - surely someone somewhere has one she could have borrowed - mom spent so much money on her right away not knowing if this was something sister would turn out to like as much as she thought. And of course rather than try to teach values like hard work and sticking with it she’s motivating her thru how much money she could make teaching piano as an adult. All because otherwise, sister would not have an out of the home hobby she is engaged in and sit on her computer more than she already does. Because of course will all turn out to be depressed drug addicts or some **** if we don’t have a hobby growing up...
I don't want mothers day to come. I don't like my own mom. I hate her, to a degree. But i also feel bad thinking that. We've been so well cared for physically that to say i hate her cause she can be angry and mean whenever i **** up feels selfish. If i would have been better behaved, been more considerate, or tried harder in school as a kid she would never have needed to yell or anything. I was well cared for growing up - rides to school in the morning instead of the bus, help with homework if needed, a cupboard full of options for snacks to go with school lunches, food premade the night before so in the morning we can just heat it up on school mornings for breakfast and not just have cereal like most families, college funds, etc. So to say any of this feels...selfish and like its a betrayal to her, an insult to her. i used to not even let myself think about it much less allow myself to feel it or put it out online. I would literally self harm just for daring to think badly of such a perfect mom because surely she's right she has to be. Extreme black and white thinking but whatever. Honestly i still struggle with deciding if its okay to not like my own mom. Because really if i'd been a better kid, had been more careful, had tried harder in school, i'd have never ever gotten in trouble.
