Journey back from the dark. Chapter One.
As I said in a previous post, I don't like the dark place I've ended up in, I've had glimpses of this place before but I have never stayed in it this long. However I have a feeling inside me that if I don't find the right path, I'll be back here again.
Now it's not as bad as it was when I got here, a few strangers have provided some light and warmth here and an indication of where I might find the exit, I'm grateful for their company, it is however my journey and I have to choose the path I take.
I need to prepare for my journey....
Will I get diagnosed?
I'm still not convinced of the benefits if any. Whether I am on the spectrum (I'm fairly certain I am now, there are too many indications to believe otherwise) or not I still have issues. A diagnosis probably isn't going to open any doors to treatment here so what's the point? I managed to reach 49 without any professional help didn't I?
I need to speak to someone living here to find out...maybe it's the one area of out health service that is overfunded (unlikely, but I can be optimistic)
For now though, there's no reason that I shouldn't try methods that work for others which might work for me too. The journey begins..
STIMMING.
I'm starting with this because it might help me be myself and to relax before I try and deal with the communication issues etc.
I came across this term recently when looking into Aspergers etc, I had never heard the term before.
I have always however been a fidgeter, though normally subconciously and usually only if I had something in my hand anyway. I ignored the "fidget spinner" craze, I suspect it ignoring it was part of my self deception.
My mind doesn't seem to hold any memories of any other Stim behaviours, perhaps I was never concious of doing them?? but I hope to find some way to discreetly raise the issue the next time I am with family.
Reading about tactile sensations brought back a memory, or more accurately a memory of something my mother told me, when I was small I used to enjoy touching the wood outside a local hardware shop. She thought I was going to become a carpenter.
I tried a pencil but the varnished texture was wrong? I now have a small off-cut of wood which now is almost constantly in my hand, not always though..I put it down earlier today and for short while I couldn't find it....panic!! Well not panic, but definately unease, I mean I know its just a piece of wood, I have more, but still I felt lost without it. I found another piece and all was okay again. Five minutes later and relaxed I found the original and it's in my hand now....I think I'll make some copies. It's a small piece of red deal, 40mm X 40mm X 20mm, three planned sides though the grain has raised so not fully smooth, One side is uneven and the ends are rough.
UPDATE: I still haven't talked to my wife about this..but we just watched "Hunted" and she just casually observed that I was a bit like the guy who has Aspergers in it. And apparently I have a weird thing I do with my hands when I get frustrated explaining something..more stimming??? I'm completely unaware that I do it, I must pay attention to myself when it happens again.
(This isn't being written in real time, but I'm trying to keep things in order)
As I said in a previous post, I don't like the dark place I've ended up in, I've had glimpses of this place before but I have never stayed in it this long. However I have a feeling inside me that if I don't find the right path, I'll be back here again.
Now it's not as bad as it was when I got here, a few strangers have provided some light and warmth here and an indication of where I might find the exit, I'm grateful for their company, it is however my journey and I have to choose the path I take.
I need to prepare for my journey....
Will I get diagnosed?
I'm still not convinced of the benefits if any. Whether I am on the spectrum (I'm fairly certain I am now, there are too many indications to believe otherwise) or not I still have issues. A diagnosis probably isn't going to open any doors to treatment here so what's the point? I managed to reach 49 without any professional help didn't I?
I need to speak to someone living here to find out...maybe it's the one area of out health service that is overfunded (unlikely, but I can be optimistic)
For now though, there's no reason that I shouldn't try methods that work for others which might work for me too. The journey begins..
STIMMING.
I'm starting with this because it might help me be myself and to relax before I try and deal with the communication issues etc.
I came across this term recently when looking into Aspergers etc, I had never heard the term before.
I have always however been a fidgeter, though normally subconciously and usually only if I had something in my hand anyway. I ignored the "fidget spinner" craze, I suspect it ignoring it was part of my self deception.
My mind doesn't seem to hold any memories of any other Stim behaviours, perhaps I was never concious of doing them?? but I hope to find some way to discreetly raise the issue the next time I am with family.
Reading about tactile sensations brought back a memory, or more accurately a memory of something my mother told me, when I was small I used to enjoy touching the wood outside a local hardware shop. She thought I was going to become a carpenter.
I tried a pencil but the varnished texture was wrong? I now have a small off-cut of wood which now is almost constantly in my hand, not always though..I put it down earlier today and for short while I couldn't find it....panic!! Well not panic, but definately unease, I mean I know its just a piece of wood, I have more, but still I felt lost without it. I found another piece and all was okay again. Five minutes later and relaxed I found the original and it's in my hand now....I think I'll make some copies. It's a small piece of red deal, 40mm X 40mm X 20mm, three planned sides though the grain has raised so not fully smooth, One side is uneven and the ends are rough.
UPDATE: I still haven't talked to my wife about this..but we just watched "Hunted" and she just casually observed that I was a bit like the guy who has Aspergers in it. And apparently I have a weird thing I do with my hands when I get frustrated explaining something..more stimming??? I'm completely unaware that I do it, I must pay attention to myself when it happens again.
(This isn't being written in real time, but I'm trying to keep things in order)
