Yesterday was miserable. With the stuff going on locally, and personally, plus the supervisor i hate being present at work yesterday, i was just miserable for half my shift. This supervisor will bark orders and assignments at me from halfway across the front end right as i clock in without so much as a hello. She expects us to be constantly doing something to - which i get, we’re being paid to work, but its like she expects me to rush to do something productive the moment i get done with an really long line of customers. I feel like just taking a breather and getting a drink with her there as supervisor is something i may as well be fired for.
After she left things improved though. One of the older strict supervisors, who i don’t particularly like for her attitude but get along with her just fine professionally, asked how i was. And with how she worded it she meant it - she mentioned i’d looked down. She didn’t want particulars and i wasn’t about to give them to her anyways, but i thought the gesture was nice. When the guy who looks like a Luke but i know isn’t named Luke took over for my break he was very friendly and helpful. He’s always like that but i just really appreciate it cause most people see me being shy and mistrustful as a sign to leave me alone after a bit and give up on me. The new woman supervisor was nice too, made small talk when she brought me the money i’d ordered for the till. The new guy supervisor - who i think is younger than me tbh - was nice enough as usual. He strikes me as being reasonable and level headed and, like i said, nice enough.
Having them around helped a lot. What made all the difference was when my favorite supervisor, a woman who is a veteran, took the time to explain her understanding of what management means about all the new suffocatingly strict price matching / hand keyed items / etc 'rules'. They're not written down rules they're just word of mouth rules that are new program updates to be prompts for cashiers cause they dont trust cashiers anymore. Which is really managements fault for not educating cashiers on the rules or even having something simple like a laminated policy/rules sheet at every register for the new kids and customers so there is no confusion. Apparently if i just do my job and diligently verify everything, they won't fire me for what's pretty much doing my job
This is important to me because that has been my understanding of it. Cause people have been getting fired and been fired in the past but when i had asked i always simply was told 'for price matching' which is of course scary cause its so vague. I've been afraid i'd get fired cuase that dumb algorithm they use to determine who is doing too many price matches / hand keyed items / etc that they track - that the algorithm will just say i'm doing too many, just doing my job really, and that i'd get fired for it just like that. It was like suddenly nothing about me as an employee mattered - just how much money i lost the company just doing my job to the best of my understanding and following the example of the supervisors and managers. Suddenly it was like it didn't matter how patient or kind or compassionate or knowledgeable customers think i am at my job. It was just too much like home, it felt too much like home. Like suddenly i didn't matter at the one place i had started to feel like i could at least matter at for my work ethic.
That doesn't mean today's gonna be a total 180 at work today though. I feel miserable, i feel sick, and watching a movie the other day made me realize something i haven't been wanting to acknowledge. Nothing i do can get mom or dad to give me the unconditional love and acceptance i want from them. Mom just isn't capable and dad, while he's better than her, is sort of selfish. If it doesn't involve him and its not life or death or school related and its not something he can talk at length about, he doesn't really care and won't give more than a grunt at best in reply. He does fix family meals - mom doesn't cause she only eats lunch and she doesn't cook for anyone else - and make a point to always seek me out to say goodnight every night or as im going to my room after work. But he also didn't want me on family vacation - a vacation that had been just a dream for half my life as a family - after i was forced to drop out of the four year college i'd been going to for failing another semester and not signing up for another semester cause i wanted to go to therapy instead. So he's not any better at giving a damn no matter what, especially when as a kid he never once spoke up in my defense, always hers. I feel like i'm being whiny and pathetic and expecting too much but its how i feel. Other people might be able to get 'the void' filled with friends and friends' families but i dont have anybody else. Just the cats.
After she left things improved though. One of the older strict supervisors, who i don’t particularly like for her attitude but get along with her just fine professionally, asked how i was. And with how she worded it she meant it - she mentioned i’d looked down. She didn’t want particulars and i wasn’t about to give them to her anyways, but i thought the gesture was nice. When the guy who looks like a Luke but i know isn’t named Luke took over for my break he was very friendly and helpful. He’s always like that but i just really appreciate it cause most people see me being shy and mistrustful as a sign to leave me alone after a bit and give up on me. The new woman supervisor was nice too, made small talk when she brought me the money i’d ordered for the till. The new guy supervisor - who i think is younger than me tbh - was nice enough as usual. He strikes me as being reasonable and level headed and, like i said, nice enough.
Having them around helped a lot. What made all the difference was when my favorite supervisor, a woman who is a veteran, took the time to explain her understanding of what management means about all the new suffocatingly strict price matching / hand keyed items / etc 'rules'. They're not written down rules they're just word of mouth rules that are new program updates to be prompts for cashiers cause they dont trust cashiers anymore. Which is really managements fault for not educating cashiers on the rules or even having something simple like a laminated policy/rules sheet at every register for the new kids and customers so there is no confusion. Apparently if i just do my job and diligently verify everything, they won't fire me for what's pretty much doing my job
This is important to me because that has been my understanding of it. Cause people have been getting fired and been fired in the past but when i had asked i always simply was told 'for price matching' which is of course scary cause its so vague. I've been afraid i'd get fired cuase that dumb algorithm they use to determine who is doing too many price matches / hand keyed items / etc that they track - that the algorithm will just say i'm doing too many, just doing my job really, and that i'd get fired for it just like that. It was like suddenly nothing about me as an employee mattered - just how much money i lost the company just doing my job to the best of my understanding and following the example of the supervisors and managers. Suddenly it was like it didn't matter how patient or kind or compassionate or knowledgeable customers think i am at my job. It was just too much like home, it felt too much like home. Like suddenly i didn't matter at the one place i had started to feel like i could at least matter at for my work ethic.
That doesn't mean today's gonna be a total 180 at work today though. I feel miserable, i feel sick, and watching a movie the other day made me realize something i haven't been wanting to acknowledge. Nothing i do can get mom or dad to give me the unconditional love and acceptance i want from them. Mom just isn't capable and dad, while he's better than her, is sort of selfish. If it doesn't involve him and its not life or death or school related and its not something he can talk at length about, he doesn't really care and won't give more than a grunt at best in reply. He does fix family meals - mom doesn't cause she only eats lunch and she doesn't cook for anyone else - and make a point to always seek me out to say goodnight every night or as im going to my room after work. But he also didn't want me on family vacation - a vacation that had been just a dream for half my life as a family - after i was forced to drop out of the four year college i'd been going to for failing another semester and not signing up for another semester cause i wanted to go to therapy instead. So he's not any better at giving a damn no matter what, especially when as a kid he never once spoke up in my defense, always hers. I feel like i'm being whiny and pathetic and expecting too much but its how i feel. Other people might be able to get 'the void' filled with friends and friends' families but i dont have anybody else. Just the cats.
