Hi.
Long time without posting. I started classes again. After 5 years being unable to stay in a class with people of my age, I tried again. And the experience is being incredible so far.
I've met incredible people, we support each other constantly. We even did a small party on Saturday and it was the first time I was myself, weird, crazy, chaos, and they had fun with me. Going to class with them is a gift after years of loneliness.
However, the point of this blog isn't them. The purpose I'm writing this is to confess something.
To confess that I'm experiencing true feelings for someone. I don't know since when, how, why. I just know I truly like him. This time I know it is the feeling that I've never felt before for anyone else.
However, I know it's impossible for me to be someone important for him. As he is one of my teachers.
It all started the first day of classes, when he introduced himself and talked nervous, getting words wrong. I thought "oh poor him, he's young, for sure he's not used". He's probably around 25/26 years old.
Back then, I was looking forward to his classes because young teachers are the best to be honest. Every time I had one young teacher, classes were amazing. So I was glad one was him.
Unluckily, due to burocratic issues, he couldn't teach us for three weeks. And during these three weeks, I have no idea why I was truly hating the fact he was unable to teach us. People of my class were so glad to lose lessons, but I wasn't. Always saying it was a mess because we all were losing time to prepare the lessons properly, but deep inside of me, I was damn curious of how his style of teaching was.
Then, two weeks ago, he could start and I remember myself being thrilled. I felt a connection that got me hooked with him. I wanted to think it may just be his way of speaking, because he does love what he teaches so he motivates me a lot. But beautiful excuse was it.
Suddenly, I found myself lost in those blue eyes. Suddenly, I found myself lost in his nervousness. Lost in his way of explaining. Time moves too fast with him. And the joy inside of my heart is glorious. It wants to burst violently.
Then, I started to wonder if that was liking someone. If getting lost in his eyes, loving his way of talking, feeling calm beside him meant I like him. Slowly, my feelings started to get shape. A shape that I daydreamt of how holding hands or laughing together would feel like.
Until one day something bad happened, I truly got anxious because I blamed myself and I went to him saying "can I go outside for a moment?". And he asked " why?". "I don't feel okay". His soft voice, not heard by anyone else, not even his eyes looking at me. ”What happened?" ”I have anxiety". "Go, stay where I can see you".
Other people would say that was cold, as if he couldn't care less if I was okay or not. But for some reason, I felt he was caring, he was caring that someone would notice my anxiety, he was caring I could feel overwhelmed with someone else by my side. So he let me stay outside alone, breathing.
Also, two days, the last lesson is with him and my group is the last one in getting out of the class. So he stays with us, chatting casually.
The first day I remember he asked if we were liking his classes and I could say just "fine" as I blocked. But then, I bursted like "I don't like the images you show" and he laughed and said "then, you will hate the videos I will show!" and I laughed "no, I don't wanna". " Yes, I like hardcore videos!". For a second he stopped being a teacher and became a young man. And I truly liked how genuine he smiled.
I remember also another day, we had to discuss a graphic in groups. We were 6 groups and the first one gave a vague opinion, the second said barely the same and then, the other three groups just added "we think the same". I was mad they were so lazy and I started to speak like a robot of why that graphic was wrong. But suddenly, my brain froze and I knew I couldn't talk forward because it didn't work. I said the excuse that I forgot the word and when I went silent, he spoke following the lesson. I thought he had disliked my intervention. Until the other day, my classmate told me he was smiling while I was talking. And I couldn't be happier when I heard about that.
Last week, he asked for a classmate because she was absent and approached as I didn't want anyone hearing. I told him she wasn't okay, thinking of leaving and we were trying to convince her of staying. He smiled and said, "I'm glad you're talking with her. Tell her I've asked". After, we left together, two classmates were talking and suddenly, he asked " where will you go these holidays?" and looked at me. "To my home" that was my answer. I regretted it right after, how rude it sounded. He repeated it like "your home?" and muffled a giggle. It was truly weird. I guess he didn't expect that.
But my favourite moment was this Friday. He was showing us the dental chair and asked for a volunteer to sit on it. Of course, I sat, he was running out of time and no one ever collaborates. So I wanted it to make it work. He pushed it up and down, me moving as he wanted, it was fun. Then, he showed us Trendelenburg position and warned me saying "you're not going to fall, trust me". And I luckily said "Okay" instead of "I trust you" in front of my class. Once back, he sat on the chair and approached to me to look as working as dentist and when I saw a tool I couldn't help but say "it hurt just from watching" and he laughed and hit my shoulder slightly "I would have put anesthesia first". He sat at the other side, just like one meter away of me, and I looked at his eyes while he was speaking. And I have no idea why he kept that eye contact on me. Maybe it was the distance, maybe it was my sensation, but that connection appeared again.
All of this is a contradiction because he's rude in his classes. Rude in a sense of not interacting with the rest of my class because they're all girls, among 16-19 years old. My group is about 20-40 years old so we're not doing that ******** of commenting every thing he says or does, laughing at every thing he speaks, even wearing special clothes only in his classes. To be honest, it's seriously shameful the attitudes he must bear daily.
But the worst was that the other day my friend told me they had found his instagram and when they started to read the comments (because I couldn't check it due to a literal sensory overload), all his photos are filled with girls saying "you're so hot!" "How can you be so handsome?!" because it seems he's famous for being incredibly handsome.
So analyzing the fact every girl is into him, he could get any girl he wants, he's damn handsome (apparently), he has a good charisma, I ended up thinking it's completely impossible he would ever stare at me as something else than his student. Because that's another trouble. He's my teacher and even if we're like 4 years apart, it wouldn't be correct.
His lessons are also dentistry and my teeth are horrible, like ugly with capital letters. I had a heavy complex in the past, but now I'm sure he thinks I'm disgusting because of my teeth.
He's like that guy everyone wants. And I'm the guy who no one ever wants. I know there are millions of love stories that worked out there, but I don't have that luck. Someone that chooses me, that loves me and moreover it's him. That's absolutely for a movie.
My friends told me I shouldn't think like that and still try to at least interact with him after classes because it's when he's relaxed, but I feel like I'm ridiculous. He will laugh at me for even thinking I may have a possibility. No one has ever liked me. And suddenly he does. No way. There's no way my freaking life would reward me with someone like him.
I also have no idea how he is. I just know he loves what he does, he likes The Simpsons, he talks like an old man like me, he likes to do clumsy things as jumping around or playing with the skeleton, he's into mental health and mentioned Autism a few times already.
And I don't know why, I find all of that lovely, funny, interesting.
My friend told me he may feel comfortable with us so when we're leaving, he sticks to us and talks relaxedly, so when he speaks in class, he looks at me or around. We guess he likes to be treated as human instead of like a piece of meat. But it's just our guessing. However, I was going to treat him like a human even if he wasn't "handsome", even if he wasn't charismatic, even if he wasn't all of what girls love in him, because I do believe I would still feel this connection.
And even if he will never stare at me, I will be grateful for having ever met him. These nine months he will be my teacher, I will treasure each moment.
Tomoya 01/11/2022 1:44 AM
Long time without posting. I started classes again. After 5 years being unable to stay in a class with people of my age, I tried again. And the experience is being incredible so far.
I've met incredible people, we support each other constantly. We even did a small party on Saturday and it was the first time I was myself, weird, crazy, chaos, and they had fun with me. Going to class with them is a gift after years of loneliness.
However, the point of this blog isn't them. The purpose I'm writing this is to confess something.
To confess that I'm experiencing true feelings for someone. I don't know since when, how, why. I just know I truly like him. This time I know it is the feeling that I've never felt before for anyone else.
However, I know it's impossible for me to be someone important for him. As he is one of my teachers.
It all started the first day of classes, when he introduced himself and talked nervous, getting words wrong. I thought "oh poor him, he's young, for sure he's not used". He's probably around 25/26 years old.
Back then, I was looking forward to his classes because young teachers are the best to be honest. Every time I had one young teacher, classes were amazing. So I was glad one was him.
Unluckily, due to burocratic issues, he couldn't teach us for three weeks. And during these three weeks, I have no idea why I was truly hating the fact he was unable to teach us. People of my class were so glad to lose lessons, but I wasn't. Always saying it was a mess because we all were losing time to prepare the lessons properly, but deep inside of me, I was damn curious of how his style of teaching was.
Then, two weeks ago, he could start and I remember myself being thrilled. I felt a connection that got me hooked with him. I wanted to think it may just be his way of speaking, because he does love what he teaches so he motivates me a lot. But beautiful excuse was it.
Suddenly, I found myself lost in those blue eyes. Suddenly, I found myself lost in his nervousness. Lost in his way of explaining. Time moves too fast with him. And the joy inside of my heart is glorious. It wants to burst violently.
Then, I started to wonder if that was liking someone. If getting lost in his eyes, loving his way of talking, feeling calm beside him meant I like him. Slowly, my feelings started to get shape. A shape that I daydreamt of how holding hands or laughing together would feel like.
Until one day something bad happened, I truly got anxious because I blamed myself and I went to him saying "can I go outside for a moment?". And he asked " why?". "I don't feel okay". His soft voice, not heard by anyone else, not even his eyes looking at me. ”What happened?" ”I have anxiety". "Go, stay where I can see you".
Other people would say that was cold, as if he couldn't care less if I was okay or not. But for some reason, I felt he was caring, he was caring that someone would notice my anxiety, he was caring I could feel overwhelmed with someone else by my side. So he let me stay outside alone, breathing.
Also, two days, the last lesson is with him and my group is the last one in getting out of the class. So he stays with us, chatting casually.
The first day I remember he asked if we were liking his classes and I could say just "fine" as I blocked. But then, I bursted like "I don't like the images you show" and he laughed and said "then, you will hate the videos I will show!" and I laughed "no, I don't wanna". " Yes, I like hardcore videos!". For a second he stopped being a teacher and became a young man. And I truly liked how genuine he smiled.
I remember also another day, we had to discuss a graphic in groups. We were 6 groups and the first one gave a vague opinion, the second said barely the same and then, the other three groups just added "we think the same". I was mad they were so lazy and I started to speak like a robot of why that graphic was wrong. But suddenly, my brain froze and I knew I couldn't talk forward because it didn't work. I said the excuse that I forgot the word and when I went silent, he spoke following the lesson. I thought he had disliked my intervention. Until the other day, my classmate told me he was smiling while I was talking. And I couldn't be happier when I heard about that.
Last week, he asked for a classmate because she was absent and approached as I didn't want anyone hearing. I told him she wasn't okay, thinking of leaving and we were trying to convince her of staying. He smiled and said, "I'm glad you're talking with her. Tell her I've asked". After, we left together, two classmates were talking and suddenly, he asked " where will you go these holidays?" and looked at me. "To my home" that was my answer. I regretted it right after, how rude it sounded. He repeated it like "your home?" and muffled a giggle. It was truly weird. I guess he didn't expect that.
But my favourite moment was this Friday. He was showing us the dental chair and asked for a volunteer to sit on it. Of course, I sat, he was running out of time and no one ever collaborates. So I wanted it to make it work. He pushed it up and down, me moving as he wanted, it was fun. Then, he showed us Trendelenburg position and warned me saying "you're not going to fall, trust me". And I luckily said "Okay" instead of "I trust you" in front of my class. Once back, he sat on the chair and approached to me to look as working as dentist and when I saw a tool I couldn't help but say "it hurt just from watching" and he laughed and hit my shoulder slightly "I would have put anesthesia first". He sat at the other side, just like one meter away of me, and I looked at his eyes while he was speaking. And I have no idea why he kept that eye contact on me. Maybe it was the distance, maybe it was my sensation, but that connection appeared again.
All of this is a contradiction because he's rude in his classes. Rude in a sense of not interacting with the rest of my class because they're all girls, among 16-19 years old. My group is about 20-40 years old so we're not doing that ******** of commenting every thing he says or does, laughing at every thing he speaks, even wearing special clothes only in his classes. To be honest, it's seriously shameful the attitudes he must bear daily.
But the worst was that the other day my friend told me they had found his instagram and when they started to read the comments (because I couldn't check it due to a literal sensory overload), all his photos are filled with girls saying "you're so hot!" "How can you be so handsome?!" because it seems he's famous for being incredibly handsome.
So analyzing the fact every girl is into him, he could get any girl he wants, he's damn handsome (apparently), he has a good charisma, I ended up thinking it's completely impossible he would ever stare at me as something else than his student. Because that's another trouble. He's my teacher and even if we're like 4 years apart, it wouldn't be correct.
His lessons are also dentistry and my teeth are horrible, like ugly with capital letters. I had a heavy complex in the past, but now I'm sure he thinks I'm disgusting because of my teeth.
He's like that guy everyone wants. And I'm the guy who no one ever wants. I know there are millions of love stories that worked out there, but I don't have that luck. Someone that chooses me, that loves me and moreover it's him. That's absolutely for a movie.
My friends told me I shouldn't think like that and still try to at least interact with him after classes because it's when he's relaxed, but I feel like I'm ridiculous. He will laugh at me for even thinking I may have a possibility. No one has ever liked me. And suddenly he does. No way. There's no way my freaking life would reward me with someone like him.
I also have no idea how he is. I just know he loves what he does, he likes The Simpsons, he talks like an old man like me, he likes to do clumsy things as jumping around or playing with the skeleton, he's into mental health and mentioned Autism a few times already.
And I don't know why, I find all of that lovely, funny, interesting.
My friend told me he may feel comfortable with us so when we're leaving, he sticks to us and talks relaxedly, so when he speaks in class, he looks at me or around. We guess he likes to be treated as human instead of like a piece of meat. But it's just our guessing. However, I was going to treat him like a human even if he wasn't "handsome", even if he wasn't charismatic, even if he wasn't all of what girls love in him, because I do believe I would still feel this connection.
And even if he will never stare at me, I will be grateful for having ever met him. These nine months he will be my teacher, I will treasure each moment.
Tomoya 01/11/2022 1:44 AM
