Work has been so much nicer than any other place. The people are really nice. I am doing a lot better than I thought I would....but today I felt kind of dumb. Basically, I think I learn things differently than most people do. I've never had someone monitor how I am learning and in what order, so it usually doesn't come up - but some colleagues keep asking me questions that I can't answer when we are in the field together. They aren't being mean as far as I can tell - but basically, they are all on the same page saying they just learned everything by doing/watching. I personally don't learn that way. I am learning a lot by doing/watching - invaluable stuff - I learn very useful context and some content. But for me, I need to be able to sit down and review the content in order to remember it. For example, numbers/coding. I cannot remember any of the codes yet. I have to look them up. My colleagues think I should know them just from having written them down while in the field - but I"m not getting any time to sit down and process all of the info, so I haven't memorized them - and I just don't learn that way. They say they never had to sit down and look at them and study them, but that is how I learn. It doesn't matter how many times I've marked specific codes - I cannot remember them without time to process the info. Also, I am learning lots of stuff all at once out there (and even colleagues telling me things that are different/contradictory, so that's even more added info and "corrections" by different people) - for me, knowing myself, knowing the numbers by heart will be the last thing I learn. I first just need to learn what I'm actually doing first.
The other thing is, they expect me to see the same thing as them - literally. "Step back - what do you see?". For me, I can't do that stepping back. I need to go up close and look at things one by one to see - my mind just doesn't work that other way, it's too much information at once when I stand back, I need to go one by one. Those little things make me feel stupid though, because everyone else seems to be on a different page than me and they don't understand why I don't learn that way and they don't believe me when I explain.
Anyway....I think being on the spectrum really does mean our brains are wired differently and we learn things differently - and there's a lot of information overload - it's like having a camera or microscope lens that doesn't adjust as quickly - sometimes I can't filter out certain things in order to focus on others, and other times, I focus in on one thing and can't pan out quickly to focus on the bigger picture or different things - my brain/attention won't switch that fast. I just need to be systematic on my own. Right now, I think I'd be fine on my own, but I hate that others are getting the impression that I am stupid, if that's what's happening. Everyone tells me not to study at home, but I need to in order to learn this stuff - at least at the rate they want me to, because they way/order in which they expect me to learn is actually the reverse of the order in which I normally learn. I can understand what we are doing - that is logical. But assigning numbers to those things is more random than that, so I need time to just sit down and do that....but I've been so overwhelmed right now that I haven't studied at home. There's a bunch of other stuff that needs to be done at home. My colleagues also keep poopooing the modules we have for learning, but I need that stuff to help me learn. When I say that, they just say those don't help you, they didn't teach them anything - but for me, it really helps.
The other thing is when people want me to write things down, they go so fast. I need to just tell them to slow down, but in the moment I am just so overwhelmed and trying to get down what I was trying to get down while they keep talking that I can't interrupt myself to tell them to slow down, even that requires an arduous switch. Again, it's the "lens" thing - I'm either writing, OR listening, OR looking, OR talking. I do think I can do this job, it will take me a while to get the hang of it. On my own, I think I would be fine. But it's just frustrating when people are looking over my shoulder and not understanding that my process and processing are different - and they keep telling me they expect me to be the same as them.....
Neurodiversity.....not wanting to disclose......argh. Just need to reset.
The other thing that's making me look stupid at work is my social blindness. People are really nice, and I enjoy them - but people always overstimulate me. And that leads to oversharing and other social missteps that can come back to haunt me. I don't realize how I am coming off, or the social repercussions, until later....and having been down that miserable path before, I really want to avoid it at this new place. So I need to learn some more restraint.
Just getting all of that off of my chest.....
The other thing is, they expect me to see the same thing as them - literally. "Step back - what do you see?". For me, I can't do that stepping back. I need to go up close and look at things one by one to see - my mind just doesn't work that other way, it's too much information at once when I stand back, I need to go one by one. Those little things make me feel stupid though, because everyone else seems to be on a different page than me and they don't understand why I don't learn that way and they don't believe me when I explain.
Anyway....I think being on the spectrum really does mean our brains are wired differently and we learn things differently - and there's a lot of information overload - it's like having a camera or microscope lens that doesn't adjust as quickly - sometimes I can't filter out certain things in order to focus on others, and other times, I focus in on one thing and can't pan out quickly to focus on the bigger picture or different things - my brain/attention won't switch that fast. I just need to be systematic on my own. Right now, I think I'd be fine on my own, but I hate that others are getting the impression that I am stupid, if that's what's happening. Everyone tells me not to study at home, but I need to in order to learn this stuff - at least at the rate they want me to, because they way/order in which they expect me to learn is actually the reverse of the order in which I normally learn. I can understand what we are doing - that is logical. But assigning numbers to those things is more random than that, so I need time to just sit down and do that....but I've been so overwhelmed right now that I haven't studied at home. There's a bunch of other stuff that needs to be done at home. My colleagues also keep poopooing the modules we have for learning, but I need that stuff to help me learn. When I say that, they just say those don't help you, they didn't teach them anything - but for me, it really helps.
The other thing is when people want me to write things down, they go so fast. I need to just tell them to slow down, but in the moment I am just so overwhelmed and trying to get down what I was trying to get down while they keep talking that I can't interrupt myself to tell them to slow down, even that requires an arduous switch. Again, it's the "lens" thing - I'm either writing, OR listening, OR looking, OR talking. I do think I can do this job, it will take me a while to get the hang of it. On my own, I think I would be fine. But it's just frustrating when people are looking over my shoulder and not understanding that my process and processing are different - and they keep telling me they expect me to be the same as them.....
Neurodiversity.....not wanting to disclose......argh. Just need to reset.
The other thing that's making me look stupid at work is my social blindness. People are really nice, and I enjoy them - but people always overstimulate me. And that leads to oversharing and other social missteps that can come back to haunt me. I don't realize how I am coming off, or the social repercussions, until later....and having been down that miserable path before, I really want to avoid it at this new place. So I need to learn some more restraint.
Just getting all of that off of my chest.....
