I feel insane most days, like I am looking through a window at the world. The only thing off is the room I am in has no doors, only a small grimy window to look through. I see the same faces, sometimes new faces, just looking at me, but I can't say anything. I still move, and speak but it's not right. I can't be in a room with more than 3 people without feeling as if I am being confined in a small box, I can't breathe, so i have to leave the room, it doesn't mater who is there.
It makes me sick sometimes, because I can see right through people, but they can't see through me. I refuse to go into public unless I know exactly where I am going, because I always have this creeping paranoia I will get robbed, or get stabbed, or someone will be where I am, and I won't be able to leave. I have to find a way out of every place I am out, even relationships. It's too personal. They are always too close, like vultures hovering over a carcass. It makes me sick, I make me sick. I put myself through hell, just to feel that sick satisfaction of feeling something, even if its pain.
It's as if I don't feel anything, like I am covered in body and mind in a numbing agent, and only the smallest percentage of emotions, my emotions get through to show. I feel as if I am a monster, crazy, locked in my own head and forced to stay there. I hate it, but I still stay here, in my own head, because I feel at home. There is no one else here but me and the voices. I can't carry on a emotional conversation without getting uncomfortable, and trying to find a way out of it. Even the sight of one crying, makes me hate being there.
I feel as if I am staring through someone else's eyes, even though I know they are mine. I am a hermit by the standards of others, because all I do is play a RPG and not talk to anyone, I only communicate when forced, and my thoughts run through my mind so fast, I know so much, that it gives me a headache at times, because I stress myself out just thinking to myself. I write things down and burn the paper, because someone else can find the paper if I don't.
So much runs through my mind, it makes me angry. I can tell you so many facts, but not how I feel. I have a mental block stopping. It ruins every relationship I get into, because I am always the cold one and they never understand, because it seems I don't make sense, or it makes me fear me, and the sad thing is, it never bothers me. I like my own company, because then, I don't see them, I can't figure them out like a puzzle, and I can't hate them. Most seem like idiots because they can't understand what I am saying, or when they do, they don't understand what I mean. All i want is to be heard, not comforted, just listened to. They can't hurt me, because I feel a part of me die inside every day. Like that void is getting larger and I let it. I know I might end up alone, but it's okay because then I know I fell by my own hands, not someone else's. I won't be weak. I refuse. It's not that I have a wall, it's a void. It seems no one can fill it. They all end up irritating me, and I can't accept their lack of comprehension, intelligence to match mine.
I found one person, who I can tolerate enough to deal with. To me, love is a chemical reaction in the brain, and the ability to tolerate them with loyalty and trust. I just want someone to listen, not help me. I am comfortable in the room with no doors and one small window. I hate myself. I make myself sick. I can tolerate myself more than anyone else. They medicated me, like a test monkey in a lab, and I was tired of it. I can function perfectly, I am calm most of the time. I was verbally abused my whole childhood, so bad I blocked it on purpose so I would stay together. The numbness is swallowing me whole, it's okay though. I want it to, whatever it takes to survive, and learn more.
It makes me sick sometimes, because I can see right through people, but they can't see through me. I refuse to go into public unless I know exactly where I am going, because I always have this creeping paranoia I will get robbed, or get stabbed, or someone will be where I am, and I won't be able to leave. I have to find a way out of every place I am out, even relationships. It's too personal. They are always too close, like vultures hovering over a carcass. It makes me sick, I make me sick. I put myself through hell, just to feel that sick satisfaction of feeling something, even if its pain.
It's as if I don't feel anything, like I am covered in body and mind in a numbing agent, and only the smallest percentage of emotions, my emotions get through to show. I feel as if I am a monster, crazy, locked in my own head and forced to stay there. I hate it, but I still stay here, in my own head, because I feel at home. There is no one else here but me and the voices. I can't carry on a emotional conversation without getting uncomfortable, and trying to find a way out of it. Even the sight of one crying, makes me hate being there.
I feel as if I am staring through someone else's eyes, even though I know they are mine. I am a hermit by the standards of others, because all I do is play a RPG and not talk to anyone, I only communicate when forced, and my thoughts run through my mind so fast, I know so much, that it gives me a headache at times, because I stress myself out just thinking to myself. I write things down and burn the paper, because someone else can find the paper if I don't.
So much runs through my mind, it makes me angry. I can tell you so many facts, but not how I feel. I have a mental block stopping. It ruins every relationship I get into, because I am always the cold one and they never understand, because it seems I don't make sense, or it makes me fear me, and the sad thing is, it never bothers me. I like my own company, because then, I don't see them, I can't figure them out like a puzzle, and I can't hate them. Most seem like idiots because they can't understand what I am saying, or when they do, they don't understand what I mean. All i want is to be heard, not comforted, just listened to. They can't hurt me, because I feel a part of me die inside every day. Like that void is getting larger and I let it. I know I might end up alone, but it's okay because then I know I fell by my own hands, not someone else's. I won't be weak. I refuse. It's not that I have a wall, it's a void. It seems no one can fill it. They all end up irritating me, and I can't accept their lack of comprehension, intelligence to match mine.
I found one person, who I can tolerate enough to deal with. To me, love is a chemical reaction in the brain, and the ability to tolerate them with loyalty and trust. I just want someone to listen, not help me. I am comfortable in the room with no doors and one small window. I hate myself. I make myself sick. I can tolerate myself more than anyone else. They medicated me, like a test monkey in a lab, and I was tired of it. I can function perfectly, I am calm most of the time. I was verbally abused my whole childhood, so bad I blocked it on purpose so I would stay together. The numbness is swallowing me whole, it's okay though. I want it to, whatever it takes to survive, and learn more.
