There are several characteristics in my personality that led me to believe I might be ‘on the spectrum’. After I started to suspect this I wanted a quick answer. I took online ‘autism quizzes’ even though I was aware that these tests could not replace a formal diagnosis. I tested within the range needed for a formal diagnosis on all of them. But they don’t really hold any leverage when it comes to being diagnosed. I don’t even know who created them. I started looking for all the books I could find about adults with Asperger’s Syndrome. Specifically, adults that had not been diagnosed until adulthood like me. One of the first books I read, I Think I Might Be Autistic: A Guide to Autism Spectrum Disorder was written by a woman named Cynthia Kim. She discovered during adulthood that she had Asperger’s Syndrome. As she explained her ‘quirks’, feelings, and experiences throughout her life I kept thinking, Wow…this sounds so much like me!
One quote from the book that really hit home with me was, “The symptoms that stood out most for me were the ones I’d never known were ‘symptoms’ of anything other than my personality: attachment to routine, resistance to change, special interests, a need to be alone” (Kim 2013). I see so much of this in me. I have always been a ‘creature of habit.’ My routine is very important to me. I always want things to stay the same. When major changes take place in my life it is very difficult for me. While I am aware that change has to happen (and I allow it to) I have a very hard time adjusting to it. Any time a major life change happens for me it takes me days to recover from it. My entire mood changes.
I also have many special interests. I get caught up in one particular thing and I that’s all I want to do for a while. This really started when I was young. I would watch the same movies over and over. I would never get tired of them. Drop Dead Fred, Beetlejuice, and Harry and the Hendersons were my movies of choice when I was a kid. I still work like this now. I get fixated on a certain movie or a TV series and I will watch it over and over and over until I get tired of it. But it isn’t enough that I watch it time and again. I will become fixated on a certain actress (it is always a woman) that plays a role in it and have to know all about them. I will also watch everything else they’ve done that I can get my hands on. I am like this with music as well.
The need to be alone has been my biggest struggle so far throughout my adult life. It has made it incredibly difficult for me to have a personal life. I cannot maintain a romantic relationship because of this. My intense need to be alone makes it very difficult to spend enough time with another person to cultivate a meaningful relationship. When I am dating someone I begin to feel ‘smothered’ very quickly. I end up breaking up with them, not because they aren’t a great person or a good fit for me, but because I begin to feel panicked at the amount of time they expect me to spend with them. For a long time I was able to convince myself that it was the other person’s short-comings that led to me breaking up with them. I realize now that this was just a way for me to justify in my mind my decision to end it even though it was really caused by the unhealthy feelings that I was having. I have not attempted to date since I realized this.
One quote from the book that really hit home with me was, “The symptoms that stood out most for me were the ones I’d never known were ‘symptoms’ of anything other than my personality: attachment to routine, resistance to change, special interests, a need to be alone” (Kim 2013). I see so much of this in me. I have always been a ‘creature of habit.’ My routine is very important to me. I always want things to stay the same. When major changes take place in my life it is very difficult for me. While I am aware that change has to happen (and I allow it to) I have a very hard time adjusting to it. Any time a major life change happens for me it takes me days to recover from it. My entire mood changes.
I also have many special interests. I get caught up in one particular thing and I that’s all I want to do for a while. This really started when I was young. I would watch the same movies over and over. I would never get tired of them. Drop Dead Fred, Beetlejuice, and Harry and the Hendersons were my movies of choice when I was a kid. I still work like this now. I get fixated on a certain movie or a TV series and I will watch it over and over and over until I get tired of it. But it isn’t enough that I watch it time and again. I will become fixated on a certain actress (it is always a woman) that plays a role in it and have to know all about them. I will also watch everything else they’ve done that I can get my hands on. I am like this with music as well.
The need to be alone has been my biggest struggle so far throughout my adult life. It has made it incredibly difficult for me to have a personal life. I cannot maintain a romantic relationship because of this. My intense need to be alone makes it very difficult to spend enough time with another person to cultivate a meaningful relationship. When I am dating someone I begin to feel ‘smothered’ very quickly. I end up breaking up with them, not because they aren’t a great person or a good fit for me, but because I begin to feel panicked at the amount of time they expect me to spend with them. For a long time I was able to convince myself that it was the other person’s short-comings that led to me breaking up with them. I realize now that this was just a way for me to justify in my mind my decision to end it even though it was really caused by the unhealthy feelings that I was having. I have not attempted to date since I realized this.
