I gave it my all during today's 1:1 PT session at the gym. It was tough, but he was happy that I kept going until I couldn't go anymore. When the muscles tire, my brain goes "I can't do this" and yet, somehow it's possible to complete the set. Today we did 4 sets instead of 3, and the weights kept increasing. The struggle, followed by the relief and satisfaction was very cathartic.
I've had various messages today from those in spirit. After I returned home from the woods last night, my mood sank quite bad. But I was able to vocalise with someone very special; and we had a tremendous back and forth.
This morning my mood was sat in my chest like a rock. I was told to "stop wallowing" by my Irish grandmother. I knew in my gut what she was going to say before it was verbalised. When she was alive, she could be outspoken; but I admired the frankness; and sometimes when you're sinking you need to hear some home truths.
It might be viewed as taboo suggesting that someone struggling with low mood needs to pull themselves up by their bootstraps - but this was a woman who lived through the war. That overused motto of "Keep calm and carry on" is quite apt for when you feel your mental health begin to dip. Because that dip can lead to sinking, and sinking leads stagnation and wallowing.
"Own it" was the next message. To really accept who I am, and unlock my true potential. Pushing aside those faulty core beliefs of being unworthy or unloveable, and going beyond.
"Take a leap of faith." Anxiety is fuelled by fear, and I have felt scared and unsafe for a very long time. For many years I tried to protect myself from possible triggers by becoming very insular, and attempting to bury discomfort with escapism through alcohol, weed and video games. Living a sheltered life initially feels safe, but it quickly becomes a self-imposed prison which drains your quality of life. By attempting to avoid triggers and anxiety, I wound up fuelling depression and loneliness.
In recent years; as I gave up these addictions, I found myself feeling more present and more willing to try new things, and push past my comfort zone. Much like at the gym today - some things in life really push us, but the rewards are there when you focus, you don't give up, and you accept and move beyond the struggle:
"Suffering is not good for the soul, unless it teaches you how to stop suffering. That is its purpose." Seth
I know that some lessons are lifelong, and a lot of my guides had tough lives when they lived in this physical realm. I am who I am, and other people see many positives and strengths in who I am as a person, and what I do in life. Of course it's nice to hear these positive remarks, but I need to really own it now. I've fed the inner critic for too long, and it's weighed me down for years.
So I'm going to keep on pushing, and follow my gut - and my heart. When I take a step back and look at where I'm at, I feel blessed. The path that I'm on is the right one, and I've met so many wonderful people along the way.
Last week I met someone who touched my soul - they too are on the path, and the connection has been beautiful. There is still a lot of growth and learning to be done - and there will be growing pains, and challenges ahead which will test my resolve - but I'm not going to quit. I shan't allow anxiety to have me give up on a good thing, especially when I'm blessed to have this come into my life.
After the gym I went to St Ives. I walked around town, and then relaxed with a coffee, and some lunch. I carried on colouring my spider picture. Later, I will be going to the medium circle which I'm very much looking forward to. It's a beautiful and safe space filled with like minded individuals as we learn and grow under the mentorship and wisdom of a fantastic medium.
On the journey home I was talking with one of my guides - a best friend from school who committed suicide. He thanked me for helping him back when we were at school, and for all the smiles and laughter. It made me tearful to talk with him. He told me to follow my heart - regarding the person I met recently. And I know what my heart desires. I told him I was scared, and how the anxiety is the same in every relationship - stemming from feeling unworthy. He told me this anxiety is a lifelong journey for me - but not to give up on a good thing.
“In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take.” Lewis Carroll
Ed
I've had various messages today from those in spirit. After I returned home from the woods last night, my mood sank quite bad. But I was able to vocalise with someone very special; and we had a tremendous back and forth.
This morning my mood was sat in my chest like a rock. I was told to "stop wallowing" by my Irish grandmother. I knew in my gut what she was going to say before it was verbalised. When she was alive, she could be outspoken; but I admired the frankness; and sometimes when you're sinking you need to hear some home truths.
It might be viewed as taboo suggesting that someone struggling with low mood needs to pull themselves up by their bootstraps - but this was a woman who lived through the war. That overused motto of "Keep calm and carry on" is quite apt for when you feel your mental health begin to dip. Because that dip can lead to sinking, and sinking leads stagnation and wallowing.
"Own it" was the next message. To really accept who I am, and unlock my true potential. Pushing aside those faulty core beliefs of being unworthy or unloveable, and going beyond.
"Take a leap of faith." Anxiety is fuelled by fear, and I have felt scared and unsafe for a very long time. For many years I tried to protect myself from possible triggers by becoming very insular, and attempting to bury discomfort with escapism through alcohol, weed and video games. Living a sheltered life initially feels safe, but it quickly becomes a self-imposed prison which drains your quality of life. By attempting to avoid triggers and anxiety, I wound up fuelling depression and loneliness.
In recent years; as I gave up these addictions, I found myself feeling more present and more willing to try new things, and push past my comfort zone. Much like at the gym today - some things in life really push us, but the rewards are there when you focus, you don't give up, and you accept and move beyond the struggle:
"Suffering is not good for the soul, unless it teaches you how to stop suffering. That is its purpose." Seth
I know that some lessons are lifelong, and a lot of my guides had tough lives when they lived in this physical realm. I am who I am, and other people see many positives and strengths in who I am as a person, and what I do in life. Of course it's nice to hear these positive remarks, but I need to really own it now. I've fed the inner critic for too long, and it's weighed me down for years.
So I'm going to keep on pushing, and follow my gut - and my heart. When I take a step back and look at where I'm at, I feel blessed. The path that I'm on is the right one, and I've met so many wonderful people along the way.
Last week I met someone who touched my soul - they too are on the path, and the connection has been beautiful. There is still a lot of growth and learning to be done - and there will be growing pains, and challenges ahead which will test my resolve - but I'm not going to quit. I shan't allow anxiety to have me give up on a good thing, especially when I'm blessed to have this come into my life.
After the gym I went to St Ives. I walked around town, and then relaxed with a coffee, and some lunch. I carried on colouring my spider picture. Later, I will be going to the medium circle which I'm very much looking forward to. It's a beautiful and safe space filled with like minded individuals as we learn and grow under the mentorship and wisdom of a fantastic medium.
On the journey home I was talking with one of my guides - a best friend from school who committed suicide. He thanked me for helping him back when we were at school, and for all the smiles and laughter. It made me tearful to talk with him. He told me to follow my heart - regarding the person I met recently. And I know what my heart desires. I told him I was scared, and how the anxiety is the same in every relationship - stemming from feeling unworthy. He told me this anxiety is a lifelong journey for me - but not to give up on a good thing.
“In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take.” Lewis Carroll
Ed
