Waiting and worthiness are the 2 big lessons my next relationship will teach me.
I'm happy to say that I've improved with waiting; as it's destroyed me with anxiety in the past. Being away from a person triggered separation anxiety, and waiting for them to respond online - the longer the wait; the more intense the anxiety and dread would become. Feeling unseen and unheard - core beliefs that have been literal poison to my mind and body. In recent relationships, this fear around waiting for replies has improved significantly compared to 2 years ago, in which it was a key driver in ending a relationship.
The problem with unworthiness, is that you become clingy. When you are needy; you desire nothing more than to hold that person close. But you suffocate that which you love - your behaviour and anxieties serve to push the person away. It's possibly the most spiteful irony I've known. Your fears become a self-fulfilling prophecy; but they are driven by you, and not the other person who you fear will instigate it.
Recognising and accepting my worth has been a struggle throughout my adult life. It's a common theme in those who have lived with anxiety and depression; especially when it's been a prolonged experience. Having emerged from the other side of 20 years with mental health struggles, I am embracing my self-worth more, and feel more capable of pinpointing and challenging my inner-critic's narratives. I also realise how important it is to listen to my intuition, and to be around people I vibe with. If something is off, then the emotional, mental and physical drain quickly takes it's toll - and it's a price that I am no longer willing to pay.
It took years to be able to meet people's gaze walking down the street, let alone feeling comfortable smiling. Now I can readily engage with strangers; it's very rewarding and feels natural. Working previously as a Carer, and now as a Support Worker has bolstered my confidence and helped me realise my abilities; as well as develop new one's. I'm also seeing and accepting those qualities that so many people have seen within me. Compliments which my self-worth (and lack thereof) had awkwardly accepted, and which my inner-critic would later deconstruct and twist; to eventually have me believe these people must have been mistaken.
Before I reconnect with my soul mate, I know there will be one last relationship. Of course, I understand if my soul mate wishes to only remain friends, as we will be friends for life. My gut and guides believe we will be together again, but I shall bear no ill will if things turn out differently. Simply knowing them has been a blessing.
My gut, my guides; as well as other's have confirmed that the next person I meet and will be in a relationship with will be someone truly beautiful. In the past, when I'm around a beautiful person; my feelings of unworthiness leave me feeling unstable and incapable of being true to myself. Thankfully, these feelings and behaviours have improved in recent years; but this person will help me further.
The final lessons will be learnt and overcome in my next relationship. Realising my self worth, and learning to feel truly comfortable in the gaps between contact with my partner. Finally putting an end to the clingyness that has haunted me in several relationships. The reality is that I shouldn't even feel like I am waiting for them; I should continue to live MY life, rather than living life through seeking validation in another person.
I've also been on the receiving end in the past; dating clingy people - and I know how suffocating and claustrophobic it is to be in such situations. You want them to trust you, and be calm - but how can they if they don't trust in themselves?
Losing myself in other people in a relationship isn't the way, it never has been; and yet it's been a pattern in some of my past relationships.
I know I will meet someone who I will initially feel is totally out of my league. I will feel utterly humbled that they show an interest in me. And this will allow for profound learning and growth.
It will happen when it will happen. My gut will know when I have met that person, and in the mean time I have lots to focus on and enjoy in life. Things have changed significantly since my spiritual awakening 3 months ago, and further changes are starting to take shape.
The medium circle yesterday was wonderful. I feel a great connection with the group, and presented someone in the circle with a very profound message from my guides last night. My mentor is very pleased with me, and said I have great potential. What resonated with me a lot was how she said that she prefers Spiritual Services as opposed to Clairvoyant evenings. As services are when the philosophy and knowledge can be shared.
And yet, I am not one for organised religion. It contains elements of truth, amidst a much larger portion that contains rules and restrictions aimed at control and promoting shame, or the false notion of sin and damnation. A soul is not something we have, it is what we are - and it cannot be condemned or damned to an eternity of suffering after you die. There's also been a history of "us and them" in religion, politics; and of course - war. We are all one, and religion tends to present itself as the Truth - when in reality it's a mirage of All That Is. If you really want to know where you come from; go into nature, and meditate; become present - feel grounded, and take stock of what we are part of, and that which modern society has driven us apart from, and that which modern society is actively destroying. Be mindful and thankful for your natural roots.
What sprang to my mind when she spoke about Clairvoyant evenings was "Parlour tricks" as so many people turn up, hoping for a reading, and to get messages from loved ones - and proof to dampen their doubts. It's about titilation, as well as to satisfy whatever it is they're searching or longing for.
I know my path will be different, and involve smaller groups - but mostly 1:1 with people. The healing and messages will be profound to the people I meet, but I'm not really about standing in front of a large group of people to relay messages to the general public. The connections I make need to be in a smaller, calmer atmosphere - where my focus will not be diverted by the expectations and anxieties of working with a crowd of people. The largest numbers of people I shall reach is in what I write, especially when my books are written and published.
I was very pleased how I was at the NEC Birmingham with one of our clients - as that involved a lot of people. Spending 3 hours driving with 3 people, and navigating a colossal building I'd never visit before, which was full of thousands of people, all the while the client wandering off, struggling to verbalise at times, and talking with so many random people. Also, the previous 2 days had been very full on at work, with lots of outings and engaging with the public. Had I been in that situation a few years ago, my anxiety would've led to panic attacks, burnout and feeling that terrifying loss of control. And yet, throughout the whole day my focus was excellent, and I had no overwhelm or anxiety. I felt calm, capable and composed.
Again, the changes in recent months have been utterly profound. I'm truly glad of my spiritual awakening, as in the past when I'd attemped sobriety before; I had nothing to fill the void, and so I allowed the void to consume me.
Ed
I'm happy to say that I've improved with waiting; as it's destroyed me with anxiety in the past. Being away from a person triggered separation anxiety, and waiting for them to respond online - the longer the wait; the more intense the anxiety and dread would become. Feeling unseen and unheard - core beliefs that have been literal poison to my mind and body. In recent relationships, this fear around waiting for replies has improved significantly compared to 2 years ago, in which it was a key driver in ending a relationship.
The problem with unworthiness, is that you become clingy. When you are needy; you desire nothing more than to hold that person close. But you suffocate that which you love - your behaviour and anxieties serve to push the person away. It's possibly the most spiteful irony I've known. Your fears become a self-fulfilling prophecy; but they are driven by you, and not the other person who you fear will instigate it.
Recognising and accepting my worth has been a struggle throughout my adult life. It's a common theme in those who have lived with anxiety and depression; especially when it's been a prolonged experience. Having emerged from the other side of 20 years with mental health struggles, I am embracing my self-worth more, and feel more capable of pinpointing and challenging my inner-critic's narratives. I also realise how important it is to listen to my intuition, and to be around people I vibe with. If something is off, then the emotional, mental and physical drain quickly takes it's toll - and it's a price that I am no longer willing to pay.
It took years to be able to meet people's gaze walking down the street, let alone feeling comfortable smiling. Now I can readily engage with strangers; it's very rewarding and feels natural. Working previously as a Carer, and now as a Support Worker has bolstered my confidence and helped me realise my abilities; as well as develop new one's. I'm also seeing and accepting those qualities that so many people have seen within me. Compliments which my self-worth (and lack thereof) had awkwardly accepted, and which my inner-critic would later deconstruct and twist; to eventually have me believe these people must have been mistaken.
Before I reconnect with my soul mate, I know there will be one last relationship. Of course, I understand if my soul mate wishes to only remain friends, as we will be friends for life. My gut and guides believe we will be together again, but I shall bear no ill will if things turn out differently. Simply knowing them has been a blessing.
My gut, my guides; as well as other's have confirmed that the next person I meet and will be in a relationship with will be someone truly beautiful. In the past, when I'm around a beautiful person; my feelings of unworthiness leave me feeling unstable and incapable of being true to myself. Thankfully, these feelings and behaviours have improved in recent years; but this person will help me further.
The final lessons will be learnt and overcome in my next relationship. Realising my self worth, and learning to feel truly comfortable in the gaps between contact with my partner. Finally putting an end to the clingyness that has haunted me in several relationships. The reality is that I shouldn't even feel like I am waiting for them; I should continue to live MY life, rather than living life through seeking validation in another person.
I've also been on the receiving end in the past; dating clingy people - and I know how suffocating and claustrophobic it is to be in such situations. You want them to trust you, and be calm - but how can they if they don't trust in themselves?
Losing myself in other people in a relationship isn't the way, it never has been; and yet it's been a pattern in some of my past relationships.
I know I will meet someone who I will initially feel is totally out of my league. I will feel utterly humbled that they show an interest in me. And this will allow for profound learning and growth.
It will happen when it will happen. My gut will know when I have met that person, and in the mean time I have lots to focus on and enjoy in life. Things have changed significantly since my spiritual awakening 3 months ago, and further changes are starting to take shape.
The medium circle yesterday was wonderful. I feel a great connection with the group, and presented someone in the circle with a very profound message from my guides last night. My mentor is very pleased with me, and said I have great potential. What resonated with me a lot was how she said that she prefers Spiritual Services as opposed to Clairvoyant evenings. As services are when the philosophy and knowledge can be shared.
And yet, I am not one for organised religion. It contains elements of truth, amidst a much larger portion that contains rules and restrictions aimed at control and promoting shame, or the false notion of sin and damnation. A soul is not something we have, it is what we are - and it cannot be condemned or damned to an eternity of suffering after you die. There's also been a history of "us and them" in religion, politics; and of course - war. We are all one, and religion tends to present itself as the Truth - when in reality it's a mirage of All That Is. If you really want to know where you come from; go into nature, and meditate; become present - feel grounded, and take stock of what we are part of, and that which modern society has driven us apart from, and that which modern society is actively destroying. Be mindful and thankful for your natural roots.
What sprang to my mind when she spoke about Clairvoyant evenings was "Parlour tricks" as so many people turn up, hoping for a reading, and to get messages from loved ones - and proof to dampen their doubts. It's about titilation, as well as to satisfy whatever it is they're searching or longing for.
I know my path will be different, and involve smaller groups - but mostly 1:1 with people. The healing and messages will be profound to the people I meet, but I'm not really about standing in front of a large group of people to relay messages to the general public. The connections I make need to be in a smaller, calmer atmosphere - where my focus will not be diverted by the expectations and anxieties of working with a crowd of people. The largest numbers of people I shall reach is in what I write, especially when my books are written and published.
I was very pleased how I was at the NEC Birmingham with one of our clients - as that involved a lot of people. Spending 3 hours driving with 3 people, and navigating a colossal building I'd never visit before, which was full of thousands of people, all the while the client wandering off, struggling to verbalise at times, and talking with so many random people. Also, the previous 2 days had been very full on at work, with lots of outings and engaging with the public. Had I been in that situation a few years ago, my anxiety would've led to panic attacks, burnout and feeling that terrifying loss of control. And yet, throughout the whole day my focus was excellent, and I had no overwhelm or anxiety. I felt calm, capable and composed.
Again, the changes in recent months have been utterly profound. I'm truly glad of my spiritual awakening, as in the past when I'd attemped sobriety before; I had nothing to fill the void, and so I allowed the void to consume me.
Ed
