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My heart hurts.

I didn't really completely understand this phrase- I always thought it was a simplification or possibly a glossing over of some deeply complex, in describable inner turmoil that we distill down to the phrasing of a five year old.

I try not to embrace anger at this point- it's incredibly difficult lately in particular when it comes to being angry at myself. When I was in my teens and early 20s anger was a driving force- it helped me accomplish much where I thought being sad or lonely or disappointed wouldn't. To a point I was right, but it did nothing to close this gap I always feel between me an other people. It would really just harden me. But I needed to be hard.


I don't need to now but dealing with new feelings and ways of coping with them as an adult, when the brain and mind have kind of already made plans for themselves is really freaking hard. I had found that the next best thing to anger was shutting down and pulling away- preemptively, often. ...I don't actually think this is the best course of action. It's likely counterproductive on many levels in most situations.

For me, OCD often comes into play- I have major issues with scrupulosity. How it plays out with me is that, essentially, I hold myself to a higher standard than i hold others, and a higher standard than anyone else could possibly expect of me either. That's not the "why" of it, but that's what it can look like.

Telling people this, they interpret it as a "type A" personality- someone who works exceptionally hard, committed to whatever they do possibly slightly obsessively, a perfectionist.

-No, that's not it exactly. It means that I understand that anything I do or say will have repercussions, and likely a negative repercussion on someone else. The OCD is that everyone else comes first, I can't hurt anyone, I can't harm anyone- and pretty much everything can constitute hurt or harm.

The ME in here is that often i should come first- I need to be ok for those I care about to be ok. I understand there are going to be consequences to every decision and action and you can't go through life without harming anyone at all in any manner. it's impossible.
These two battle it out. The OCD versus the ME.

II often becomes a point in my mind that if I tell anyone how I am feeling, then I am hurting them because it makes them worry about me or feel bad or some other thing.

I realized at some point: My OCD is obsessive about itself.
If you are following along at home, it's pretty easy to see how scrupulosity can affect relationships even a little.You are constantly worried about what harm you might cause- even by tiny things you have or have not done, said or have not said. You obsess about something that would normally be a logical course of action.
Eventually you just start avoiding people, or avoiding talking about certain things, or doing strange things. You ask odd questions, you look for people to ask for "clarification"- but it doesn't matter what they actually say. It's a compulsion.

The avoidance, disengagement, checking [with people], steering a conversation toward a topic so you can make sure you know you didn't harm them in the past- it's all compulsion.

Eventually it alienates. There IS no way to live with out leaving a mark- and that is the center of my OCD a good deal of the time.
i don't want to leave a mark somewhere because it might "be upsetting". Hallmark of OCD? That it is contradictory to ones base personality or tendencies.

As a person, in my mind apart from the OCD? Of course I want to "leave my mark". I want people to notice some of the things i accomplish, I want them to hear what I say. I want to be heard.

My OCD tells me that if I'm not invisible it's harmful. And if I am not striving for a perfect resolution to any given problem [minus my own needs, because "I can handle it" of course] then I am a bad person. And if I don't actually reach that resolution, am a bad person.
If i don't prevent potential harm, I'm a bad person. If I don't forsee potential harm, even in a situation that does not directly involve me, I'm a bad person. So, right. Totally screws with how I can or can not interact like a "normal person" on any given day.


---
"My heart hurts."

Three words.
boom.

[PS. Yes this is a bit different from the first post, like 5 seconds ago. I had thought about it a bit more last night when i lost connection and then put the rest up]

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