One a lil bit more positive than the previous
Don't want it.... 07/08/2012
"Well, as work have now blocked bloody Pinterest, I haven't got much to do now when it's quiet.. So looks like I'm gonna use this a bit more.
Where do I start?
After possibly 8 or more medications for depression & anxiety, several attempts to get help in various forms, appointments at a eating disorder hospital, loss of several friendships, daily over reactions, fights, tears, lack of sleep and god knows what else, only half an hour into my second therapy session (that it has taken over a year to start) my therapist Michaela has told me she believes that I have strong Asperger's Syndrome traits and wants to build a case for me to get tested properly. She said I could either get referred now, or build a better and fuller case which will help in the long run. Once this has been done and I have been referred, then I can either go private & get the test done as soon as we can or, wait for an appointment on the NHS... Which could take anything up to a year, like this therapy did.
Just for a bit of information, here is the wiki page on Asperger Syndrome. The main points I draw from this is that it's not the one or two things that people do or have quirky lil eccentricities, it's a combinations of any and all and when the list starts to grow, that's when the suspicion arises and confirmation that something isn't quite right. Over the last few days, I have been thinking about the things I do that have that can be linked to things that Autistic and Asperger's suffers do, here is a short list... yes, this is short.
Eatin problems (I have an eating disorder that I strictly control),
I have specific routines when eating,
Food phobia (trust me, is easier kept simple),
Control issues,
Anger over little things like people not doing things that have been asked of them like washing up, clothes washing, tidying up, but the accepting of bigger "real" problems with no such anger problems like I have with the small problems,
Lack of attention span in 90% of situations,
Short fuse and quick to get to anger,
I have a complusion to tidy up any wires such a phone charger cables, computer wires, leads etc.
Organisation of own possessions ie DVD, magazines, books etc all in chronological, alphabetical order and I get freaked out if they are not, BUT the avoiding of dealing with tidying up of things like washing up and clothes washing, dishes etc,
Obession with things being equal,
Filing on things like papers and computer documents / photos,
Inability to read social situations,
Boundary issues,
A strong dislike of numbers,
Daily confusions,
Spelling & handwritting is awful, as is punctuation. (I only recently was able to take in a retain how to use Your & You're)
Sensitivity to light & sound at certain times,
Sorting products and such in shops... that I don't work in,
Anxiety in crowds & crowded places,
Impatience,
Need for company,
Constant need for reassurance, attention & physical contact.
Need to have packets opened at the right end, especially crisps
Pretty nuts, eh?
I just really know know what to do, it's all kinda up in the air. Have I got it? Am I just an arsehole? What happens if I have it? How will it change me life? Will people view me differently? Will people care? Will anyone actualy believe it? How do I get support? There are just so many questions I'm asking myself that I haven't got any fecking clue on how to deal with. In the rational part of my brain, I know that nothing is really gonna change, it will just be recognised now, which means that the individual symptoms won't be treated as singular things and all my problems will be considered against a bigger picture... If I have AS at all.
This is the test that I filled out while with Michaela last Friday, Asperger's Syndrome test. There are others online, but this seems to be the standard. This is also the test that Simon Baron Cohen (Sasha Baron Cohen's father... As in Ali G / Bruno / Borat / The Dictator etc etc) has put his name to. He was / is the patron of Resources For Autism, which is where my wife Charlotte used to work.
Charlotte has spoken to her Mum about this over the last few weeks (before I was told I might have AS) and Bobby (our best friend) also spoke to Charlotte that they thought I may have AS.
I just don't know how I feel about this. I know that for real, if I am diagnosed with AS nothing will actually change, I will just end up getting the help I need, if I don't then I will get some kind of help because the way I am, isn't considered as "normal". Now, being "normal" is not something I would really ever say I wanted but when you suffer from depression and anxiety, sometimes the only thing you want is to feel like others seem, which is to "be normal".
Not having a good day at work, they are putting me on what is called Correspondence which I did yesterday and actually fecking hated it. I know it gives me time off of the phones but I'd rather actually take calls than do it and for some reason, once they have made their ****ing mind up that you are doing it, you are doing it, no choice in the matter.
I'm so sick of feeling like crap and being down, I do just wish I could learn to be happy, not let things get to me"
Oh Well - 10/08/2012
"Well, after waiting over a year fro my therapy to start... It's finished.
My therapist believes that my problems all stem from my learning disabilities / possible Asperger's Syndrome. I think at the moment I'm so upset because I've waited so long for this and ****ing now I'm back to the drawing board to wait for spaces for tests and therapy for learning disabilities / possible Asperger's Syndrome. As this is the area I need help with, they can't help me at the hospital... and means I need to be treated for this in another borough (part of London) and god knows where that is, how long it will take and what it will entail. So after a few weeks of being positive about the ball finally rolling... I've hit yet another ****ing snag and have to wait 2 weeks (???) for my now ex-therapist to get in touch with my GP and forward my notes and tell her that I want to be referred for a service that can help me with learning disabilities and / or AS.
i know I want to go private and get my tests done as quickly as possible, but this still sets me back god knows how long. Like anyone that is told they have something but it needs further investigation, until a definite answer comes through, it's the longest ****ing time ever.... And I'm bloody only at the start of this.
I know I should be happy that I get this help for free, unlike **** load of people.... But I've had these problems for over 32 years and I've lost friends because of this, what does it take the get some answers and some ****ing help?
The only great thing to come out of the last 3 weeks, if some kind of an answer to what is wrong with me and a start on the right road...... Well, kinda "
Don't want it.... 07/08/2012
"Well, as work have now blocked bloody Pinterest, I haven't got much to do now when it's quiet.. So looks like I'm gonna use this a bit more.
Where do I start?
After possibly 8 or more medications for depression & anxiety, several attempts to get help in various forms, appointments at a eating disorder hospital, loss of several friendships, daily over reactions, fights, tears, lack of sleep and god knows what else, only half an hour into my second therapy session (that it has taken over a year to start) my therapist Michaela has told me she believes that I have strong Asperger's Syndrome traits and wants to build a case for me to get tested properly. She said I could either get referred now, or build a better and fuller case which will help in the long run. Once this has been done and I have been referred, then I can either go private & get the test done as soon as we can or, wait for an appointment on the NHS... Which could take anything up to a year, like this therapy did.
Just for a bit of information, here is the wiki page on Asperger Syndrome. The main points I draw from this is that it's not the one or two things that people do or have quirky lil eccentricities, it's a combinations of any and all and when the list starts to grow, that's when the suspicion arises and confirmation that something isn't quite right. Over the last few days, I have been thinking about the things I do that have that can be linked to things that Autistic and Asperger's suffers do, here is a short list... yes, this is short.
Eatin problems (I have an eating disorder that I strictly control),
I have specific routines when eating,
Food phobia (trust me, is easier kept simple),
Control issues,
Anger over little things like people not doing things that have been asked of them like washing up, clothes washing, tidying up, but the accepting of bigger "real" problems with no such anger problems like I have with the small problems,
Lack of attention span in 90% of situations,
Short fuse and quick to get to anger,
I have a complusion to tidy up any wires such a phone charger cables, computer wires, leads etc.
Organisation of own possessions ie DVD, magazines, books etc all in chronological, alphabetical order and I get freaked out if they are not, BUT the avoiding of dealing with tidying up of things like washing up and clothes washing, dishes etc,
Obession with things being equal,
Filing on things like papers and computer documents / photos,
Inability to read social situations,
Boundary issues,
A strong dislike of numbers,
Daily confusions,
Spelling & handwritting is awful, as is punctuation. (I only recently was able to take in a retain how to use Your & You're)
Sensitivity to light & sound at certain times,
Sorting products and such in shops... that I don't work in,
Anxiety in crowds & crowded places,
Impatience,
Need for company,
Constant need for reassurance, attention & physical contact.
Need to have packets opened at the right end, especially crisps
Pretty nuts, eh?
I just really know know what to do, it's all kinda up in the air. Have I got it? Am I just an arsehole? What happens if I have it? How will it change me life? Will people view me differently? Will people care? Will anyone actualy believe it? How do I get support? There are just so many questions I'm asking myself that I haven't got any fecking clue on how to deal with. In the rational part of my brain, I know that nothing is really gonna change, it will just be recognised now, which means that the individual symptoms won't be treated as singular things and all my problems will be considered against a bigger picture... If I have AS at all.
This is the test that I filled out while with Michaela last Friday, Asperger's Syndrome test. There are others online, but this seems to be the standard. This is also the test that Simon Baron Cohen (Sasha Baron Cohen's father... As in Ali G / Bruno / Borat / The Dictator etc etc) has put his name to. He was / is the patron of Resources For Autism, which is where my wife Charlotte used to work.
Charlotte has spoken to her Mum about this over the last few weeks (before I was told I might have AS) and Bobby (our best friend) also spoke to Charlotte that they thought I may have AS.
I just don't know how I feel about this. I know that for real, if I am diagnosed with AS nothing will actually change, I will just end up getting the help I need, if I don't then I will get some kind of help because the way I am, isn't considered as "normal". Now, being "normal" is not something I would really ever say I wanted but when you suffer from depression and anxiety, sometimes the only thing you want is to feel like others seem, which is to "be normal".
Not having a good day at work, they are putting me on what is called Correspondence which I did yesterday and actually fecking hated it. I know it gives me time off of the phones but I'd rather actually take calls than do it and for some reason, once they have made their ****ing mind up that you are doing it, you are doing it, no choice in the matter.
I'm so sick of feeling like crap and being down, I do just wish I could learn to be happy, not let things get to me"
Oh Well - 10/08/2012
"Well, after waiting over a year fro my therapy to start... It's finished.
My therapist believes that my problems all stem from my learning disabilities / possible Asperger's Syndrome. I think at the moment I'm so upset because I've waited so long for this and ****ing now I'm back to the drawing board to wait for spaces for tests and therapy for learning disabilities / possible Asperger's Syndrome. As this is the area I need help with, they can't help me at the hospital... and means I need to be treated for this in another borough (part of London) and god knows where that is, how long it will take and what it will entail. So after a few weeks of being positive about the ball finally rolling... I've hit yet another ****ing snag and have to wait 2 weeks (???) for my now ex-therapist to get in touch with my GP and forward my notes and tell her that I want to be referred for a service that can help me with learning disabilities and / or AS.
i know I want to go private and get my tests done as quickly as possible, but this still sets me back god knows how long. Like anyone that is told they have something but it needs further investigation, until a definite answer comes through, it's the longest ****ing time ever.... And I'm bloody only at the start of this.
I know I should be happy that I get this help for free, unlike **** load of people.... But I've had these problems for over 32 years and I've lost friends because of this, what does it take the get some answers and some ****ing help?
The only great thing to come out of the last 3 weeks, if some kind of an answer to what is wrong with me and a start on the right road...... Well, kinda "
