I look fine, really. Actually, I'm so resilient than even I don't see my own psychological wounds. But they are there, and they are still bleeding.
When my mom and dad came to visit us during the holidays, I noticed that my mom looked significantly older than the last time that I saw her. She had had a coronary intervention, and living in my country of origin is not a piece of cake. But she had had another similar surgical procedure years before, and she had come back from that, fast and well. She also has the ability to protect herself psychologically from the uncertainty of living in a highly unpredictable place. No, there was something else.
When we lived in the efficiency, or apartment, that was built on top of my parents' house for a year, I realized that my parents where living in a hollowed house, a place where they happened to inhabit together, but I did not see a couple, a romantic couple. What I saw was a very efficient separation of duties, and two people that had grown accustomed to each other. That's it.
Nevertheless, when they came to visit, my dad was visibly more affectionate to my mother than a couple of years ago, when we lived next door to them. It reminded me of my own ex-husband after every marital crisis that we had over the years, when he did his best to be the perfect husband. My parents were fooling everyone, as they always do, except me. Maybe that's one of the reasons they don't like me. They know I can see through them, and they don't like that.
I started talking about me in this blog post, then, why am I talking about my parents? Because there are similarities. I am convinced (I don't have a diagnosis) that I am an aspie, and that my ex-husband and dad are aspies too. The thing is that aspie women and aspie men are different, since aspie women usually have better social skills than aspie men (among other differences).
There's a term called "Ongoing Traumatic Relationship , Syndrome/ Cassandra Phenomenon", ( FAAAS, Inc. - OTRS/CP ) which was coined "to explain the way NT spouses and NT family members are adversely affected by AS behaviors, especially undiagnosed Asperger's Syndrome in adults. It's a new trauma-based syndrome, which may afflict individuals who undergo chronic, repetitive psychological trauma within the context of an intimate relationship. Milder forms of trauma when they are repetitive, ongoing, and of uncertain future duration can cause greater damage. Among their family members, those who do not have AS, known as neurotypical (NT), often experience psychological trauma from attempting to have a close personal relationship with a person who have deficiencies in interpersonal relationships, in areas such as reciprocity, compassion, empathy, recognition of facial expressions, putting themselves in another’s shoes, a constellation of features known as mindblindness."
I'm an aspie (I think I get my ex-husband better than an NT would) and my mom is neurotypical. Given that my dad is even more aspie than my husband (a lot more), I can only imagine that my mom's struggles keeping a relationship with my dad, have been even greater than mine. But to the whole world, even if everybody knows that my dad has social deficits, my parents' marriage is perfect, and they are the perfect couple. There is no way that my mom would ever admit what she's gone through because it would mean losing her mask.
I wish I could tell my mom that she doesn't have to suffer, but that's impossible. All my attempts to talk to her (ever since I was 11) about uncomfortable subjects, always end up by her attacking me. Actually, my bluntness might have been one of the reasons why we don't have a good relationship: I was the kid that would say that the emperor didn't have any clothes. I still remember how angry she got at me one time (when I was about 10 years old) when it occurred to me to correct her in front of a friend of hers, because she was telling a lie.
Don't worry mom. The time that I tried to point out that the emperor didn't have any clothes, is over. About a year and a half ago, when I told you that I was heartbroken because you and dad ignored us (me, my kids, my husband) and treated us like a nuisance during the whole year we lived next door to you, (and I that ended up screaming at you, in a childish attempt to make myself heard) your total indifference reminded me of your limits in assessing your own life. As always, it was all "in my head".
And when, a year ago, I pointed out to you and my dad, that you were spreading lies about me, to protect the image of yourselves in front of the rest of the extended family (when you lied about me not letting you see your grand-kids) I stayed without talking to you for a year. Trying to communicate with you is pointless.
I know you can't say "I'm sorry", or "I was mistaken". That would mean admitting that you are not perfect, and that you and I are at the same level. I know that for you, to keep things as they have always been, you need me to be, not only wrong, but also below you.
In spite of all that, I still wish I could talk to you. But you prefer to suffer while keeping your facade and there's nothing I can do.
In my humble opinion, having AS makes relationships more difficult, but not impossible, in the same way that being physically disable makes mobility more difficult, but not impossible. The big problem comes when a person pretends that everything is normal, and that is not a problem of having Asperger's, that is a problem of being narcissistic.
In the case of my husband and I, I wanted a close relationship, he didn't. It took me eight years to understand that my kind of love was too much for him, and that his kind of love (or whatever that was) was too little for me. When I discovered that we were aspies, I submerged myself investigating about it, whereas he couldn't have cared less (although he said that yes, he agreed that he had it, that it made sense, but he didn't see any problem with him, just with me).
Here I am, with this useless knowledge about the true relationship of my parents: I can't help them and I can't say anything to them. Well, it does serve two purposes. First, it helps me understand them better, and relate to them better (which is keeping distance, and, when I have to interact, being able to close my mouth and somehow say something socially appropriate). Second, it helps me being more compassionate towards myself. I have also endured Ongoing Traumatic Relationship , Syndrome/ Cassandra Phenomenon, like her, I've suffered, like her. But, unlike her, I put a stop to it, and now I'm getting cured.
The fact that my wounds are not visible, doesn't mean that they are not there.
I, unlike her, acknowledge them. I, unlike her, am getting cured.
