Hi.
It's been a long time without writing in here. I have no enough free time and energy to keep active online. Indeed, I'm writing this during my working hours.
It's been truly hard for me. And I guess it will continue like that for a long while. Though, I've followed several advices I got from people in here and I'm coping up with it better. I don't skip any meal, I sleep 7-8hrs per day, I try to drink way more water, I optimize my energy use. Thank you again because these really help in the end.
This week and the next is evening shift. I do suffer with it because after all, my routine is completely messed. I usually have meal at 4 PM, play games until 5 PM, then sleep until 6:30 PM, give food to my cats at 7 PM and then, eat a glass of milk with cookies (this is my most awaited moment of the day for many years already). I watch stuff until 11PM and have dinner. That was my holy routine, I even don't meet friends anymore because I break part of it.
However, now since 1 PM to 10:30 PM, I'm out. I have lunch at 12:30 PM, take a car at 1 PM, work since 2:15 PM to 10 PM, I eat in the middle as much as I can. I won't lie, I suffer in this shift. I keep a few hours on a chair because there's nothing to do. Besides, I'm bad at starting a chat so lately I'm not talking with anyone, but my car mate. I decided to study through my phone, but I can't really focus.
Yet, in the evening shift I can manage my energy better as I can rest half of it. The morning shift is hell. And I've already had to visit a few doctors last week because my health condition isn't good, but I don't know the source of it. If everything turns okay, then I will start to think it's mental exhaustion. For just working three weeks.
I have social anxiety. Being with people stresses me, talking with them stresses me, touching them stresses me, hearing shouts stresses me, having to get angry stresses me. Still I decided working with people was my thing. It's pretty ironic considering this fact. No matter how I do it, I don't really get fully used to it, so the stress doesn't decrease.
Moreover, I tend to forget what we, as caretakers, must do each day and its hours. I feel like sometimes instead of helping my coworkers, I am a bother. I would say I can see it in their eyes, voices or facial expressions, but that's totally untrustworthy. I can't rely on my judge. And it would be way way easier if they would tell me straight, but I know some are hypocrite.
Many times I find myself totally lost. One day one coworker does something in one way and at the next, another coworker makes the same task totally different. I don't mind to follow their way, but I can't remember each one. I can't remember everything because I don't really focus. I'm too anxious when I'm doing team work. I want to help and do well my job, but it's somehow harder for me.
Of course, no one knows about this. No one even has a clue of what's going on with me. They wouldn't believe me neither. Or they would think I'm weird. Because I heard some comments, pretty ugly to be honest. We have a few patients with Autism or autistic traits. But especially one is really straight in his tasks, so if there is a change, he won't do it. I've already heard people saying "he's so weird", "just let him be weird".
I was damn mad because each thing he does, I understand why he does so. Yesterday I saw how he saved his shoes and I was so delighted by how perfectionist he is. And I understood why. When no one else did. So I am mad when I must hear such words, because indirectly, they are also calling me weird. It seems like a joke they are working with disabled people.
I do hate the shouts, the way they eat, when they poop or pee and we must even shower them because it's everywhere. I have sensory overloads constantly somedays.
But after when I take care of them, when I brush their hair, paint their nails, when they hug me or ask me when I'll come back, when I give them the food, when we play games. It's really cool and satisfying. I feel like I do something well in my life.
Probably my body is experiencing overwork because after all, I'm not a fit person, I can't carry loads of weight or have resistance. But mentally I'm working on motivating myself. On feeling like a normal person by having a normal life.
However, I feel guilty too. I feel guilty because I'm not in home mostly. I leave my mother alone taking care of my sister and now also my grandmother in a wheelchair. I feel guilty because many times, coming to work is my escape from my house. I feel like I don't work enough. I could also help in there, but I just rest instead and get mad constantly.
I could put million of excuses. But I hate to do so. I could be a better person and manage my feelings better, I could work harder and help my mother properly, I could continue studying in my free time to have more knowledge. However, I know I'm giving my best for now and I'm getting to pay all the bills with my job. It's not the best, but it's not the worst either. That's why I feel guilty, but carry on. Because somehow I'm also helping in home.
I would love to give her more than this. But for now, I'm only able to do this. If in a future, I can do better, at least I will try to achieve that because this experience has taught me I can do it. Suffering and battling myself everyday to keep going, but I'm able. I just need to discover how to improve my health and everything will be better.
I pray everything will be better. I need it to be better.
This is my small update. On a chair. Enjoying a gorgeous storm outside. In the middle of a small village surrounded by nature and insects I play with.
Thank you for reading.
Tomoya 28/08/2022 4:44 PM
It's been a long time without writing in here. I have no enough free time and energy to keep active online. Indeed, I'm writing this during my working hours.
It's been truly hard for me. And I guess it will continue like that for a long while. Though, I've followed several advices I got from people in here and I'm coping up with it better. I don't skip any meal, I sleep 7-8hrs per day, I try to drink way more water, I optimize my energy use. Thank you again because these really help in the end.
This week and the next is evening shift. I do suffer with it because after all, my routine is completely messed. I usually have meal at 4 PM, play games until 5 PM, then sleep until 6:30 PM, give food to my cats at 7 PM and then, eat a glass of milk with cookies (this is my most awaited moment of the day for many years already). I watch stuff until 11PM and have dinner. That was my holy routine, I even don't meet friends anymore because I break part of it.
However, now since 1 PM to 10:30 PM, I'm out. I have lunch at 12:30 PM, take a car at 1 PM, work since 2:15 PM to 10 PM, I eat in the middle as much as I can. I won't lie, I suffer in this shift. I keep a few hours on a chair because there's nothing to do. Besides, I'm bad at starting a chat so lately I'm not talking with anyone, but my car mate. I decided to study through my phone, but I can't really focus.
Yet, in the evening shift I can manage my energy better as I can rest half of it. The morning shift is hell. And I've already had to visit a few doctors last week because my health condition isn't good, but I don't know the source of it. If everything turns okay, then I will start to think it's mental exhaustion. For just working three weeks.
I have social anxiety. Being with people stresses me, talking with them stresses me, touching them stresses me, hearing shouts stresses me, having to get angry stresses me. Still I decided working with people was my thing. It's pretty ironic considering this fact. No matter how I do it, I don't really get fully used to it, so the stress doesn't decrease.
Moreover, I tend to forget what we, as caretakers, must do each day and its hours. I feel like sometimes instead of helping my coworkers, I am a bother. I would say I can see it in their eyes, voices or facial expressions, but that's totally untrustworthy. I can't rely on my judge. And it would be way way easier if they would tell me straight, but I know some are hypocrite.
Many times I find myself totally lost. One day one coworker does something in one way and at the next, another coworker makes the same task totally different. I don't mind to follow their way, but I can't remember each one. I can't remember everything because I don't really focus. I'm too anxious when I'm doing team work. I want to help and do well my job, but it's somehow harder for me.
Of course, no one knows about this. No one even has a clue of what's going on with me. They wouldn't believe me neither. Or they would think I'm weird. Because I heard some comments, pretty ugly to be honest. We have a few patients with Autism or autistic traits. But especially one is really straight in his tasks, so if there is a change, he won't do it. I've already heard people saying "he's so weird", "just let him be weird".
I was damn mad because each thing he does, I understand why he does so. Yesterday I saw how he saved his shoes and I was so delighted by how perfectionist he is. And I understood why. When no one else did. So I am mad when I must hear such words, because indirectly, they are also calling me weird. It seems like a joke they are working with disabled people.
I do hate the shouts, the way they eat, when they poop or pee and we must even shower them because it's everywhere. I have sensory overloads constantly somedays.
But after when I take care of them, when I brush their hair, paint their nails, when they hug me or ask me when I'll come back, when I give them the food, when we play games. It's really cool and satisfying. I feel like I do something well in my life.
Probably my body is experiencing overwork because after all, I'm not a fit person, I can't carry loads of weight or have resistance. But mentally I'm working on motivating myself. On feeling like a normal person by having a normal life.
However, I feel guilty too. I feel guilty because I'm not in home mostly. I leave my mother alone taking care of my sister and now also my grandmother in a wheelchair. I feel guilty because many times, coming to work is my escape from my house. I feel like I don't work enough. I could also help in there, but I just rest instead and get mad constantly.
I could put million of excuses. But I hate to do so. I could be a better person and manage my feelings better, I could work harder and help my mother properly, I could continue studying in my free time to have more knowledge. However, I know I'm giving my best for now and I'm getting to pay all the bills with my job. It's not the best, but it's not the worst either. That's why I feel guilty, but carry on. Because somehow I'm also helping in home.
I would love to give her more than this. But for now, I'm only able to do this. If in a future, I can do better, at least I will try to achieve that because this experience has taught me I can do it. Suffering and battling myself everyday to keep going, but I'm able. I just need to discover how to improve my health and everything will be better.
I pray everything will be better. I need it to be better.
This is my small update. On a chair. Enjoying a gorgeous storm outside. In the middle of a small village surrounded by nature and insects I play with.
Thank you for reading.
Tomoya 28/08/2022 4:44 PM
