All those images of voiceless screams that no one hears is a recurring dream I've had since I was about 4 yo. These dreams have been a menacing presence that I never understood. Since my diagnosis, it has become crystal clear. It is symbolic of my everyday existence.
In my head, or my soul, is a universe only I know about. Here, I can speak Yiddish, solve the mystery of black holes and matter, and I paint exquisite landscapes. It is my world, and I feel entering reality is a thump to a place that is devoid of any real meaning to me. I feel reality is the place where I am voiceless. No one hears me, or sees me.
How I wish I could get my soul to express itself in this reality. To share with you all what joyous matter there is inside. I have tried and tried. It is like I have a frosted glass all around me and no one can see what I am doing and saying.
I have searched for a community that might bring me into my light. I have prayed for a person to come and save me; to cut away my glass. I have been accused of being attention seeking. I can see why they think that. It isn't. I just want to share with you. Nothing, to date, has worked.
My dreams are still there. I still yell, scream, whisper and make myself hoarse trying to share the bounty within. But no one hears me. All the lights and sounds that emanate from others seeps into my world in the most glorious of rainbows and symphonies. I relish the presence of others. I bask in them. I cannot give back in the manner they give to me.
I live in hope, that for a single hour, someone, somewhere will hear me speak.
In my head, or my soul, is a universe only I know about. Here, I can speak Yiddish, solve the mystery of black holes and matter, and I paint exquisite landscapes. It is my world, and I feel entering reality is a thump to a place that is devoid of any real meaning to me. I feel reality is the place where I am voiceless. No one hears me, or sees me.
How I wish I could get my soul to express itself in this reality. To share with you all what joyous matter there is inside. I have tried and tried. It is like I have a frosted glass all around me and no one can see what I am doing and saying.
I have searched for a community that might bring me into my light. I have prayed for a person to come and save me; to cut away my glass. I have been accused of being attention seeking. I can see why they think that. It isn't. I just want to share with you. Nothing, to date, has worked.
My dreams are still there. I still yell, scream, whisper and make myself hoarse trying to share the bounty within. But no one hears me. All the lights and sounds that emanate from others seeps into my world in the most glorious of rainbows and symphonies. I relish the presence of others. I bask in them. I cannot give back in the manner they give to me.
I live in hope, that for a single hour, someone, somewhere will hear me speak.
