Over the past year I?ve been feeling slightly depressed. And frantically I?ve been looking at reasons why this is. And I might have found a solid reasoning for it. And slowly it?s becoming a snowball effect and it?s gaining a lot of momentum.
I don?t really want to rant about my relationship and put it all on the street? but I don?t know? maybe I should at least address any and all issues I have. Especially since cause A is intertwined with cause B and those are connected to cause C.
Now, I want to state this first. Yes, it might seem like the most superficial thing ever that?s bothering me. We can?t all be part of that elite that looks down upon any and all superficial things. So what if I might like sportscars of a certain brand, just for the sake of it being a certain brand. Now, with that out of the way;
Contrary to what many on the spectrum claim, I do care about looks, I care about how I look, I care about clothing (and depending on perspective; fashion). I?m not as much about living healthy and having rock hard abs, but more along the lines of clothing style/choice, hairdo?s and any other extremities that come with it ranging from tattoo?s, piercings, branding and whatever one does to ?enhance? looks. Granted it might be more along the lines of alternative fashion.
And perhaps there?s this other thing that comes along, and it has been a topic on a thread here or there on this forum; aspies sometimes have a peculiar fashion sense. Or at least they don?t really care for the norm as such.
Yet, clearly this hasn?t been the issue in the past few years. Actually, since halfway 2011 it went downhill a bit, up to a sustainable standard I felt, then 2012 came and it caught momentum and now it?s 2013 and it?s still gaining. I have no idea when the limit is reached, but slowly it?s draining me.
So, how does this all come about? I have strong convictions that my relationship plays part on this. That, and just my personal situation solely on my own. Add in future outlooks and you?ve got a toxic cocktail, which regardless of the actual ?subject? would turn any person who isn?t popping ?happy pills? into a slightly more depressed pile of?
A breakdown of all the factors;
1. I actually think I need to be around someone who almost turns ?dressing up? just to go outside for get some chores done into a contest in who looks best. Sweatpants are clearly not part of that, nor are shoes with holes in them and nor are clothes that are washed up and without color since you?ve owned them for years.
No, fancy suits aren?t my preference at all. I think if you mix up goth with punk and add a bit of post-apocalyptic flair to it, you?ll get an idea of what I like. And while my significant other likes this style? I kinda wonder why she isn?t making more of an effort. I clearly can?t make that effort just on my own? unless I?m on my own 24/7 with her out of the picture? probably looking out for someone who is more in line with this. I don?t care to, and this might sound a lot more feminine than it is, ?make myself pretty? for someone who doesn?t care about it that much herself.
Yes, this is a problem to me, and this is probably just as unreasonable as well. I can?t expect someone to overhaul their wardrobe and dabble more into certain styles just because it suits me more. I?m well aware of it. If I would, people would most likely call me dangerous for influencing people this much.
Also add in that she?s an aspie as well and I feel she?s somewhat stuck in her present ?look? too much I think. I once joked around about her cutting her hair, or at least get a different hairstyle. That wasn?t met with a lot of enthusiasm. And that?s an understatement. Though, maybe if she wants to herself, it might be a different thing, quite sure of that though. I however, would like to do something else, yet the arguments rise up when I tell her ?I like mohawks? (and pretty much any variation of that) and there?s no end to her complaining how she doesn?t like it, since it reminds her of her ex-boyfriend. Well? there?s plenty that might remind her of him, including certain bands I like (and thus she rather not have me play songs by those bands when she?s around)? and the list goes on.
I remember having a chat about clothing with my current girlfriend when I just met her. I told her it wasn?t really important to me. But clearly it is. I never really saw significance since my previous relationships were covered automatically in that sense. Their fashion sense appealed to me and I pretty much didn?t get bothered by whatever they wore. It?s like saying: ?High heels are nice, but not necessary? until you run into someone who doesn?t wear them at all and you feel that something is missing.
A reason why I don?t see it happening on her behalf is probably also a reason why I don?t see it happening on my behalf.
2. My personal situation kinda limits me in going all overboard and buying a lot of new clothes and doing a stylistic overhaul at a time. And when I have to prioritize between a nice set of boots or for instance new t-shirts and/or boxershorts (so that also answers the questions; boxers or briefs?) I guess the choice is easily made. And there are a few more financial choices before I get to more elaborate styles to dress.
In the past year I?ve lived on 2 pairs of pants, 4 pairs of shoes (since I hate getting wet feet/socks and I go through them like nothing), a dozen or so of old shirts I?ve had for a few years. And a few hoodies I?ve owned for the past few years.
Slowly this creates a notion of dressing up like slob. Or at least, just dress up because it?s social etiquette to wear something when you go to the store. Both on my side as well as her side? I?m just not feeling that attracted to her anymore. If there?s something that makes me feel unattracted to someone is when someone radiates this feeling of ?I don?t even feel sexy and confident about myself?. And that?s pretty much how it comes across to me. Right now intimacy is becoming an issue since I just don't get into the mood because of this. But since it?s long distance it?s not a topic that?s showing up weekly anyway.
Yes? it sounds an awful lot like that old saying about a pot and a kettle. Yet in her defense I have stated that probably part of her reason is the same issue as mine. Considering she?s on disability income. Her monthly income is clearly less than minimum wage (as is mine).
But I really feel I just need someone to pull me out of this rut and clearly she?s not being a lot of help. And maybe I?m just getting the wrong impression, but I always had this idea that a relationship (or at least the significant other) should be possible to do this. It's not an obligation, but if a relationship makes you feel even worse, you probably should cut your losses and leave at some point.
She has her own share of problems, and I mentioned this in a thread before. Sometimes I feel like I have to take care of her as well since no one is informing her about what she can, can?t and should do in terms of ?the future?. So in a way I?m leading this entire relationship as if I?m her therapist, social worker, and parent and thus any problems end up with me. End of line, since she?ll act like ?I don?t know what to do now? and acts even more depressed. I?m helping her out the best I can in offering her advice and telling her were to go. If I didn?t tell her about the company I?m receiving (free) support from in the form of a social worker, she wouldn't even be that far.
What I might add is that both our personal situations haven?t really gotten better. As a relationship it went pretty ok and all in general. Yet, just for an idea; When I met her she was still in college, she went to attend fitness classes, she had a reasonably busy life to keep her mind of things. Then she dropped out (technically school told her to stop showing up since they found her ?too difficult?), quit fitness and ends up sleeping up to 10 hours a day feeling miserable at times.
But I just can?t do this anymore. This is draining and not contributing to my personal mental health. And with the notion that I actually got a referral to see a new therapist, I wouldn?t be surprised if a future therapist marks her as ?a problem to be dealt with?.
Part 2 to follow here
This blog thingmajig didn't allow me to post a full thing. So far for posting essays.
I don?t really want to rant about my relationship and put it all on the street? but I don?t know? maybe I should at least address any and all issues I have. Especially since cause A is intertwined with cause B and those are connected to cause C.
Now, I want to state this first. Yes, it might seem like the most superficial thing ever that?s bothering me. We can?t all be part of that elite that looks down upon any and all superficial things. So what if I might like sportscars of a certain brand, just for the sake of it being a certain brand. Now, with that out of the way;
Contrary to what many on the spectrum claim, I do care about looks, I care about how I look, I care about clothing (and depending on perspective; fashion). I?m not as much about living healthy and having rock hard abs, but more along the lines of clothing style/choice, hairdo?s and any other extremities that come with it ranging from tattoo?s, piercings, branding and whatever one does to ?enhance? looks. Granted it might be more along the lines of alternative fashion.
And perhaps there?s this other thing that comes along, and it has been a topic on a thread here or there on this forum; aspies sometimes have a peculiar fashion sense. Or at least they don?t really care for the norm as such.
Yet, clearly this hasn?t been the issue in the past few years. Actually, since halfway 2011 it went downhill a bit, up to a sustainable standard I felt, then 2012 came and it caught momentum and now it?s 2013 and it?s still gaining. I have no idea when the limit is reached, but slowly it?s draining me.
So, how does this all come about? I have strong convictions that my relationship plays part on this. That, and just my personal situation solely on my own. Add in future outlooks and you?ve got a toxic cocktail, which regardless of the actual ?subject? would turn any person who isn?t popping ?happy pills? into a slightly more depressed pile of?
A breakdown of all the factors;
1. I actually think I need to be around someone who almost turns ?dressing up? just to go outside for get some chores done into a contest in who looks best. Sweatpants are clearly not part of that, nor are shoes with holes in them and nor are clothes that are washed up and without color since you?ve owned them for years.
No, fancy suits aren?t my preference at all. I think if you mix up goth with punk and add a bit of post-apocalyptic flair to it, you?ll get an idea of what I like. And while my significant other likes this style? I kinda wonder why she isn?t making more of an effort. I clearly can?t make that effort just on my own? unless I?m on my own 24/7 with her out of the picture? probably looking out for someone who is more in line with this. I don?t care to, and this might sound a lot more feminine than it is, ?make myself pretty? for someone who doesn?t care about it that much herself.
Yes, this is a problem to me, and this is probably just as unreasonable as well. I can?t expect someone to overhaul their wardrobe and dabble more into certain styles just because it suits me more. I?m well aware of it. If I would, people would most likely call me dangerous for influencing people this much.
Also add in that she?s an aspie as well and I feel she?s somewhat stuck in her present ?look? too much I think. I once joked around about her cutting her hair, or at least get a different hairstyle. That wasn?t met with a lot of enthusiasm. And that?s an understatement. Though, maybe if she wants to herself, it might be a different thing, quite sure of that though. I however, would like to do something else, yet the arguments rise up when I tell her ?I like mohawks? (and pretty much any variation of that) and there?s no end to her complaining how she doesn?t like it, since it reminds her of her ex-boyfriend. Well? there?s plenty that might remind her of him, including certain bands I like (and thus she rather not have me play songs by those bands when she?s around)? and the list goes on.
I remember having a chat about clothing with my current girlfriend when I just met her. I told her it wasn?t really important to me. But clearly it is. I never really saw significance since my previous relationships were covered automatically in that sense. Their fashion sense appealed to me and I pretty much didn?t get bothered by whatever they wore. It?s like saying: ?High heels are nice, but not necessary? until you run into someone who doesn?t wear them at all and you feel that something is missing.
A reason why I don?t see it happening on her behalf is probably also a reason why I don?t see it happening on my behalf.
2. My personal situation kinda limits me in going all overboard and buying a lot of new clothes and doing a stylistic overhaul at a time. And when I have to prioritize between a nice set of boots or for instance new t-shirts and/or boxershorts (so that also answers the questions; boxers or briefs?) I guess the choice is easily made. And there are a few more financial choices before I get to more elaborate styles to dress.
In the past year I?ve lived on 2 pairs of pants, 4 pairs of shoes (since I hate getting wet feet/socks and I go through them like nothing), a dozen or so of old shirts I?ve had for a few years. And a few hoodies I?ve owned for the past few years.
Slowly this creates a notion of dressing up like slob. Or at least, just dress up because it?s social etiquette to wear something when you go to the store. Both on my side as well as her side? I?m just not feeling that attracted to her anymore. If there?s something that makes me feel unattracted to someone is when someone radiates this feeling of ?I don?t even feel sexy and confident about myself?. And that?s pretty much how it comes across to me. Right now intimacy is becoming an issue since I just don't get into the mood because of this. But since it?s long distance it?s not a topic that?s showing up weekly anyway.
Yes? it sounds an awful lot like that old saying about a pot and a kettle. Yet in her defense I have stated that probably part of her reason is the same issue as mine. Considering she?s on disability income. Her monthly income is clearly less than minimum wage (as is mine).
But I really feel I just need someone to pull me out of this rut and clearly she?s not being a lot of help. And maybe I?m just getting the wrong impression, but I always had this idea that a relationship (or at least the significant other) should be possible to do this. It's not an obligation, but if a relationship makes you feel even worse, you probably should cut your losses and leave at some point.
She has her own share of problems, and I mentioned this in a thread before. Sometimes I feel like I have to take care of her as well since no one is informing her about what she can, can?t and should do in terms of ?the future?. So in a way I?m leading this entire relationship as if I?m her therapist, social worker, and parent and thus any problems end up with me. End of line, since she?ll act like ?I don?t know what to do now? and acts even more depressed. I?m helping her out the best I can in offering her advice and telling her were to go. If I didn?t tell her about the company I?m receiving (free) support from in the form of a social worker, she wouldn't even be that far.
What I might add is that both our personal situations haven?t really gotten better. As a relationship it went pretty ok and all in general. Yet, just for an idea; When I met her she was still in college, she went to attend fitness classes, she had a reasonably busy life to keep her mind of things. Then she dropped out (technically school told her to stop showing up since they found her ?too difficult?), quit fitness and ends up sleeping up to 10 hours a day feeling miserable at times.
But I just can?t do this anymore. This is draining and not contributing to my personal mental health. And with the notion that I actually got a referral to see a new therapist, I wouldn?t be surprised if a future therapist marks her as ?a problem to be dealt with?.
Part 2 to follow here
This blog thingmajig didn't allow me to post a full thing. So far for posting essays.
