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Online dating pt.2

  • Author Author Onna
  • Create date Create date
  • Blog entry read time Blog entry read time 3 min read
Physically my heart feels as though it’s crying. I’m not though.

I got it wrong again.

After my last online dating disaster, I had picked myself up and decided to try again. I started talking to someone new. We liked each other, we were making plans to meet etc.

During our conversations I had noticed that when I asked him a question, he often used one word answers.
I had to point it out didn’t I!
I replied:
“you don’t like small talk do you? I’m not a huge fan either btw, I engage because other people seem to enjoy it, on the other hand it’s useful in getting to know a persons character, so I hope you don’t mind me waffling on!”

He normally messages back quite quickly. He didn’t this time.
By the evening I suspected I’d definitely said something wrong. I re-read the message I’d sent, looked at it from his point of view... realised it didn’t look good!

I wonder if I had put a ‘lol’ or a laughing emoji after: “I engage because other people seem to enjoy it” then maybe it wouldn’t have sounded like such a disaster. Because at the end of the day, not embracing small talk isn’t that big a deal is it? It’s not like I don’t do small talk, it just doesn’t appeal to me.

I may have then made it worse.

Hoping to have not scared the **** out of him I sent another message. It said:
“Just read that back, it didn’t make sense I’m an introvert is what I’m trying to say”.

Nope, he didn’t like that, he didn’t reply. In fact I think he may have blocked me. When I go to my messages he’s not there anymore, the last guys messages are still there.
When I realised he’d done a runner, I felt a very sudden intense dull pain in my chest stomach and throat... fear I think?

Then a quick feeling of dread and/or disappointment.

I felt a little panicky, and decided to start writing this blog entry to distract me.

I seriously need to re-evaluate what I’m doing. I’m feeling like either online dating just doesn’t help my cause, or I’ve become more autistic since my diagnosis.

I know that face to face, if I say something that gets a negative response from the non autistic, I can fix it. I can usually laugh and correct myself, or I’ll apologise and laugh and change the subject, or explain in further detail what I’m trying to express. Either way the impression I leave with people face to face, is that I truly am friendly, I’m intelligent and I mean well, but occasionally appear a bit ‘dippy’.
I don’t know if before my diagnosis I was this bad at social communication, or, if being given the chance to correct myself in person is what makes people not mind my awkwardness.

Problem is, I live in a small town, I don’t drive. I’m not good at meeting new people. What the heck am I supposed to do? I’m feeling lonely, I just fancy some company, some fun.

Anyway I’m starting to feel depressed, and I haven’t felt down in a long time. It’s as though I can literally feel my brain chemistry shifting. Now this is going to sound really odd, but, although it sucks to feel low... a part of me is a little bit relieved?
I kind of feel as though I need to be knocked of my pedestal a bit, I need to re-experience negativity in order to evolve again. I’m hoping I’ll find a comfortable balance between masking and being autistic.

In the meantime, I just need to chill and ride out these uncomfortable and confusing emotions.

Comments

Otenba
He may not have blocked you. He might just need some time to know what to say, or something came up so he had to attend to that you don't know about so hasn't had a chance to reply. You don't sound like you've done a bad thing or anything, and if he does let you down over something like this, he's probably not worth the trouble anyway. Hopefully he'll get back to you soon. In the meantime, do something fun. If you play a game or something, maybe you could tell him about it tomorrow. :)
 
Onna
Otenba said:
He may not have blocked you. He might just need some time to know what to say, or something came up so he had to attend to that you don't know about so hasn't had a chance to reply. You don't sound like you've done a bad thing or anything, and if he does let you down over something like this, he's probably not worth the trouble anyway. Hopefully he'll get back to you soon. In the meantime, do something fun. If you play a game or something, maybe you could tell him about it tomorrow. :)
Click to expand...
Thank you for your kind words. You’ve made me feel better.
I had another look. He hasn’t blocked me, but he has unmatched me.

I’m grateful for others opinions and advice, because I often doubt if I’ve judged correctly.
 
Otenba
Otenba said:
He may not have blocked you. He might just need some time to know what to say, or something came up so he had to attend to that you don't know about so hasn't had a chance to reply. You don't sound like you've done a bad thing or anything, and if he does let you down over something like this, he's probably not worth the trouble anyway. Hopefully he'll get back to you soon. In the meantime, do something fun. If you play a game or something, maybe you could tell him about it tomorrow. :)
Click to expand...
You're okay. I'm sorry to hear that he's done that. :( Hopefully the next guy will be better match.
 
Autistamatic
Another excellent blog. It saddens me when I hear tales like these and makes me all the more motivated to challenge such negative perceptions of us.
I met my wife on a dating site many years back but I did have a few weird reactions from some of the women I contacted. I did meet a few that I got on with well as friends and a couple "with benefits" but I was a long time looking before I found someone who not only didn't think I was odd but clicked with me on a deeper level.
You're obviously an intelligent and decent woman and I hope Mr Right isn't too far away :)
 
Onna
Autistamatic said:
Another excellent blog. It saddens me when I hear tales like these and makes me all the more motivated to challenge such negative perceptions of us.
I met my wife on a dating site many years back but I did have a few weird reactions from some of the women I contacted. I did meet a few that I got on with well as friends and a couple "with benefits" but I was a long time looking before I found someone who not only didn't think I was odd but clicked with me on a deeper level.
You're obviously an intelligent and decent woman and I hope Mr Right isn't too far away :)
Click to expand...
Thank you.
The weird reactions didn’t put you off... did you feel hurt at the weird reactions? Hope you don’t mind me asking.
 
Autistamatic
Autistamatic said:
Another excellent blog. It saddens me when I hear tales like these and makes me all the more motivated to challenge such negative perceptions of us.
I met my wife on a dating site many years back but I did have a few weird reactions from some of the women I contacted. I did meet a few that I got on with well as friends and a couple "with benefits" but I was a long time looking before I found someone who not only didn't think I was odd but clicked with me on a deeper level.
You're obviously an intelligent and decent woman and I hope Mr Right isn't too far away :)
Click to expand...
Yes they hurt but I managed to bounce back eventually :)
 
Monachopia
The quote: "...or I've become more autistic since my diagnosis" ... I observed something similar in myself, since becoming aware of the AS, I subconsciously started to play into the symptomatic behaviour that comes with the condition instead of correcting it on the spot or assessing it as abnormal. In that way, it can be both healthy and in some sense damaging. The healthy is that you're no longer suppressing who you are. You are expressing yourself in a fuller way. The damaging part comes from the fact that the shift in behaviour can at first be alienating to those around us until we find the balance between the expression of AS and a subdued version that fits in with the "norm".
The thing is right now you seem to be in that flux after diagnosis. I received mine in March this year and there was a period of ... I hate to say it, but "mourning" of the loss of myself. Maybe you are going through something similar... When we feel there's something wrong with us without having a clear answer of "why" we feel that it's FIXABLE. The official diagnosis puts a stop to it. It is no longer fixable. There is nothing we can do to change the way our brain works. That finality can lead to depression for a while. At least it did in me. Then the apologising for the way I am - which I see you doing...
 
Monachopia
Monachopia said:
The quote: "...or I've become more autistic since my diagnosis" ... I observed something similar in myself, since becoming aware of the AS, I subconsciously started to play into the symptomatic behaviour that comes with the condition instead of correcting it on the spot or assessing it as abnormal. In that way, it can be both healthy and in some sense damaging. The healthy is that you're no longer suppressing who you are. You are expressing yourself in a fuller way. The damaging part comes from the fact that the shift in behaviour can at first be alienating to those around us until we find the balance between the expression of AS and a subdued version that fits in with the "norm".
The thing is right now you seem to be in that flux after diagnosis. I received mine in March this year and there was a period of ... I hate to say it, but "mourning" of the loss of myself. Maybe you are going through something similar... When we feel there's something wrong with us without having a clear answer of "why" we feel that it's FIXABLE. The official diagnosis puts a stop to it. It is no longer fixable. There is nothing we can do to change the way our brain works. That finality can lead to depression for a while. At least it did in me. Then the apologising for the way I am - which I see you doing...
Click to expand...
Dating is very difficult... I found my partners online but this was years ago, I don't know if it's changed much, but the sense I get is that people seeking dates online are mostly looking for uncomplicated and not serious type stuff. There are the occasional few who are wanting to find something 'real' and will embrace the weird but it takes a while to find that 1 out of 100.
 
Monachopia
Monachopia said:
The quote: "...or I've become more autistic since my diagnosis" ... I observed something similar in myself, since becoming aware of the AS, I subconsciously started to play into the symptomatic behaviour that comes with the condition instead of correcting it on the spot or assessing it as abnormal. In that way, it can be both healthy and in some sense damaging. The healthy is that you're no longer suppressing who you are. You are expressing yourself in a fuller way. The damaging part comes from the fact that the shift in behaviour can at first be alienating to those around us until we find the balance between the expression of AS and a subdued version that fits in with the "norm".
The thing is right now you seem to be in that flux after diagnosis. I received mine in March this year and there was a period of ... I hate to say it, but "mourning" of the loss of myself. Maybe you are going through something similar... When we feel there's something wrong with us without having a clear answer of "why" we feel that it's FIXABLE. The official diagnosis puts a stop to it. It is no longer fixable. There is nothing we can do to change the way our brain works. That finality can lead to depression for a while. At least it did in me. Then the apologising for the way I am - which I see you doing...
Click to expand...
The only thing I'd encourage you to do is maybe... not overthink every word you say. People are going to read into something no matter what, you can't control it. It's dependent on their mood, their circumstances, their life experience.. you name it. YOU are a kind, beautiful and gentle person. Own it and don't apologise for being yourself.
 
Monachopia
Monachopia said:
The quote: "...or I've become more autistic since my diagnosis" ... I observed something similar in myself, since becoming aware of the AS, I subconsciously started to play into the symptomatic behaviour that comes with the condition instead of correcting it on the spot or assessing it as abnormal. In that way, it can be both healthy and in some sense damaging. The healthy is that you're no longer suppressing who you are. You are expressing yourself in a fuller way. The damaging part comes from the fact that the shift in behaviour can at first be alienating to those around us until we find the balance between the expression of AS and a subdued version that fits in with the "norm".
The thing is right now you seem to be in that flux after diagnosis. I received mine in March this year and there was a period of ... I hate to say it, but "mourning" of the loss of myself. Maybe you are going through something similar... When we feel there's something wrong with us without having a clear answer of "why" we feel that it's FIXABLE. The official diagnosis puts a stop to it. It is no longer fixable. There is nothing we can do to change the way our brain works. That finality can lead to depression for a while. At least it did in me. Then the apologising for the way I am - which I see you doing...
Click to expand...
If someone doesn't like it... then it's their loss. My mantra has always been - if something doesn't work out, then it's probably for the best. It opens up the road for something better and it's often the case. Honestly, if these people get spooked by a few words that didn't go according to some grand design they had for a woman in their heads, what does it say about them? Do you really want to be around someone like that?
 
Monachopia
Monachopia said:
The quote: "...or I've become more autistic since my diagnosis" ... I observed something similar in myself, since becoming aware of the AS, I subconsciously started to play into the symptomatic behaviour that comes with the condition instead of correcting it on the spot or assessing it as abnormal. In that way, it can be both healthy and in some sense damaging. The healthy is that you're no longer suppressing who you are. You are expressing yourself in a fuller way. The damaging part comes from the fact that the shift in behaviour can at first be alienating to those around us until we find the balance between the expression of AS and a subdued version that fits in with the "norm".
The thing is right now you seem to be in that flux after diagnosis. I received mine in March this year and there was a period of ... I hate to say it, but "mourning" of the loss of myself. Maybe you are going through something similar... When we feel there's something wrong with us without having a clear answer of "why" we feel that it's FIXABLE. The official diagnosis puts a stop to it. It is no longer fixable. There is nothing we can do to change the way our brain works. That finality can lead to depression for a while. At least it did in me. Then the apologising for the way I am - which I see you doing...
Click to expand...
(Sorry for the multiple replies, I wrote out a long thing and it wouldn't let me post it in one go -.- )
 
Onna
Monachopia said:
The quote: "...or I've become more autistic since my diagnosis" ... I observed something similar in myself, since becoming aware of the AS, I subconsciously started to play into the symptomatic behaviour that comes with the condition instead of correcting it on the spot or assessing it as abnormal. In that way, it can be both healthy and in some sense damaging. The healthy is that you're no longer suppressing who you are. You are expressing yourself in a fuller way. The damaging part comes from the fact that the shift in behaviour can at first be alienating to those around us until we find the balance between the expression of AS and a subdued version that fits in with the "norm".
The thing is right now you seem to be in that flux after diagnosis. I received mine in March this year and there was a period of ... I hate to say it, but "mourning" of the loss of myself. Maybe you are going through something similar... When we feel there's something wrong with us without having a clear answer of "why" we feel that it's FIXABLE. The official diagnosis puts a stop to it. It is no longer fixable. There is nothing we can do to change the way our brain works. That finality can lead to depression for a while. At least it did in me. Then the apologising for the way I am - which I see you doing...
Click to expand...
“The damaging part comes from the fact that the shift in behaviour can at first be alienating to those around us until we find the balance between the expression of AS and a subdued version that fits in with the "norm". “
This is what I will be working on.
And also self confidence.
Thank you Monachopia, your words are always appreciated. Talking to everyone on this site so far has been a very positive experience. I feel lucky to have found you all :-)
 
Annanda
Okay. This guy ghosted you and you're searching the fault within yourself.
This is common behavior, when you were ghosted. Just let it drop. I know I demand the impossible, but do it anyway. There is nothing wrong with you.
Dating is a tough thing also for non-autistics, online-dating is even tougher.

There is a good book out there: "Level up your social life" written by Daniel Wendler. For Aspies from an Aspie.
If you like, I might give you an advice, which I received myself and found it very helpful:
"Use texting only to make appointments. For all the other stuff it's better to communicate verbally face to face, if you don't know each other well."
In any case he was not Mr.Right. Next, please! ;)
 
Onna
Annanda said:
Okay. This guy ghosted you and you're searching the fault within yourself.
This is common behavior, when you were ghosted. Just let it drop. I know I demand the impossible, but do it anyway. There is nothing wrong with you.
Dating is a tough thing also for non-autistics, online-dating is even tougher.

There is a good book out there: "Level up your social life" written by Daniel Wendler. For Aspies from an Aspie.
If you like, I might give you an advice, which I received myself and found it very helpful:
"Use texting only to make appointments. For all the other stuff it's better to communicate verbally face to face, if you don't know each other well."
In any case he was not Mr.Right. Next, please! ;)
Click to expand...
Haha great advice! Thank you
 
Ginseng
I don't see that you said anything wrong. It sounded friendly. Maybe something else is going on with him. Maybe he decided he wasn't interested in women or maybe he found someone else and didn't know how to just say it. I think you did good myself.
 
Onna
Ginseng said:
I don't see that you said anything wrong. It sounded friendly. Maybe something else is going on with him. Maybe he decided he wasn't interested in women or maybe he found someone else and didn't know how to just say it. I think you did good myself.
Click to expand...
Thanks that’s so kind. I don’t know if it was me, or him, I’m thinking probably my comment to him. But the fact that other people throw in the possibility that it could’ve been him is nice! Haha!
I’m completely over this guy, it didn’t take long. Obviously I didn’t really know him. The emotions resulting from failure were just really painful in that moment, and a little painful maybe a day or two after, now I feel zero pain about it. This is a journey I hope to learn from.
 
A
"Or I've become more autistic since my diagnosis"
LOL :D I thought that too for a bit, then I realised it was just me reflecting and analysing my actions through a different coloured glass. Almost like a licence to be "dippy".
"Doughy" is another one I've been called. Maybe I wasn't making the right face that day...

I feel like everything your brain just translated to your fingers is what I think and feel about people and myself too.
Thankyou for sharing that, I needed that. :)
Sorry I can't be much help in the relationship side of things, my last boyfriend called me "mate" on the phone. TWICE. I've since vowed to NOT do online dating and just let something fall into my lap, if he wants to....

Anyway, If you ever want to talk to someone, I'm definitely on your level gurlll.
Peace.
 
Onna
ALEXithymia said:
"Or I've become more autistic since my diagnosis"
LOL :D I thought that too for a bit, then I realised it was just me reflecting and analysing my actions through a different coloured glass. Almost like a licence to be "dippy".
"Doughy" is another one I've been called. Maybe I wasn't making the right face that day...

I feel like everything your brain just translated to your fingers is what I think and feel about people and myself too.
Thankyou for sharing that, I needed that. :)
Sorry I can't be much help in the relationship side of things, my last boyfriend called me "mate" on the phone. TWICE. I've since vowed to NOT do online dating and just let something fall into my lap, if he wants to....

Anyway, If you ever want to talk to someone, I'm definitely on your level gurlll.
Peace.
Click to expand...
Awesome thanks for this great message.
I had that realisation today, I’m not ‘more autistic’ I’m just relaxing.

‘Mate’ just what every girl wants to hear!

I’m glad you relate to this. The best about diagnosis so far is feeling less lonely. So many say ‘I always felt different when I was younger’ there were actually lots of us sharing that very same experience, but didn’t know it.
Same if you ever want to message, I’m a bit nervous on a personal level, but I’ll definitely make the effort :-)
 
Echo
Hello Onna, nice to meet you! I just read a more recent post of yours about dating (the lego gifter) and thought I'd comment, briefly.

I find that when I text with people I use a lot of emojis for fear they'll misunderstand my meaning in the absence of facial expressions..... but, shockingly, they still misunderstand me much of the time!

Texting is a poor excuse for communicating.

Sure, it's less intimidating than a phone call. (I'm horrible at calling people, personally.) But there's so much room for misunderstanding while texting! I think it's perfectly fine if you already know the person fairly well, and their method of speaking/writing, but with people we barely know it's a plain full of land mines.

Maybe dating apps will be less helpful than, for instance, special interest groups through meetup.com?
 
V
Since I make more mistakes real-time talking than writing, I actually kind of like texting more. We're all different though.
But I can offer some practical advice maybe.
I do write things in a way that can be taken the wrong way. Actually we all do - consider what a common thing it is for YouTube comments (for example) to go terribly off the rails between every type of person under the sun!
Anyway, I've learned to resist the urge to send off texts right away. Now I write a text without sending it, turn it off and go do something else for a while, then come back to re-read it before sending. If it doesn't read accurate to what I think I mean to say, I'll edit then go off for a bit again. I don't send texts until they survive a later re-reading.
I don't do this on every text since often I'll text something mundane. But when I'm trying to communicate something important, I try to do this every time.
 

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