So... I haven't been too big on blogging, as I felt it needed some kind of steady commitment. Also, I always figured that only a handful of people are gonna read it. But since I'm on a rather small-ish forum, or within a small community, I might as well do some writing from time to time. Let's see how it goes.
I've been known within my group of "friends" to be the kind of person that somehow understands innerworkings quite good, but to people that don't know me that well, I might come across as a "drama-qeen" (or king if you will), only to a point in the future, where those people come back to me and are like "Dude, I really have to apologize... you were absolutely right". Well, here's food for thought... "Is it, because I said it, they subconsiously paid more attention to said situation? Or did they even act like that?"
I was out for a walk last night and it got me thinking about the entire "dating" and relationship deal. It also got me thinking about "being social" and friends. And for good measure, I'm not an aspie, nor do I suffer from anything on the spectrum.... yet. I'm in talks with my therapist to see how and if I can/should get a diagnosis. So, anyway, thinking about a couple of things in regards to the long run social thing.
If I'm on social networks, or even dating sites, I probably come across as weird. I don't explictly tell about my employment; which, for something besides a quick f***, is kinda relevant to most people. I don't have a decent income, it however it steadier than most employed people. I have interests, which to most people might come across as "too artsy". And well, if I look in the mirror, and compare that image to what a lot of people expect someone to look like as a normal functioning person, I'm way off. And even more so at my age. But I don't care, I like me... I love me even. That's what should count, if anyone wants to hop on board, fine, but don't expect me to change the stuff I do, I like or the way I look.
Thus for a short introduction towards it. I figured, that it would be kinda off to try and date and/or befriend people on the spectrum only. I mean, I prefer to ask someone less personal stuff beforehand. But it figures, that with all the absurdity which is my life... and my life gets totally out of hand sometimes, I kinda look like "trouble" to people my age and I look "awesome" to people 8 years younger I guess. Well, not to all of them, but there's people that were like "oh man... why can't I live your life". I replied them "you wouldn't last a day". It kinda sets a really weird frame, where it's a hit or miss if you decide to get into some conversation with people. Some will think you're great, some will think you're weird or even creepy. It's not that I want to "impress" anyone, but the consensus to what is "accepted" is a really blurry outline. I don't want to come across as a creepy guy. And even less beforehand if people just take "age" in account. I could of course state that people that shallow are not worthy of my presence, but I digress... I'm no god or king.
So for an example; Relationships kinda work for me, as long as the absurdity doesn't get out of control for the other person, I'm aware of that, and I even warn people beforehand. I've dated a girl which was 8 years younger and we had a blast, until she realized "oh crap, my life is awesome, but I can't sustain this... this'll be the death of me"... and thus ended a relationship. I did warn her beforehand stating "I don't think you can handle me", and such I was right.
More recent, I befriended a girl/woman... I hate the word woman... I don't know why, it just sounds kinda off. Girl sounds kinda "young"-ish though. Female? Right, female person, it is. At first we got along great, until I started spewing around "issues". My "situation" (and if I overeat, it's the saturation; alright, that's a stolen joke), my outlook on life, what keeps me busy and at first she was like "Don't worry, perhaps I can offer some help". Further down the line... say; 2 months, the friendship ended in a big F-you. From her part. I wasn't even aware she was bothered by it. I got an email from her when I was out clubbing with a friend. But it came down to the entire "you are a totally unbearable person to know" furthermore it came down the my situation which wasn't "healthy" and it freaked her out to know such situations were possible. Because, at first, she thought I was fooling around a bit and exaggerating, then, after she was on vacation for a week, she had time to think stuff through and came to the realization, that it wasn't fun and games, but it genuinely is a mess... and that, in a way I'm a mess.
I onced laughed it off with "I'm a mess... a beautiful mess, but a mess nonetheless". Which kinda describes how I feel... I'm not too worried about it. I'm not depressed, I'm having a blast.
Now, those 2 situations were along the lines of dating and/or relationships. How about "friends".
I've had a good friend for over 10 years, but he at one point, about 4 months ago, decided to call it quits on me. And that was 5 months after I had a 16 hour talk, talking him out of killing himself. I have yet to understand why he did so, but I have over a dozen parallel theories on that. But the entire deal, a bit more then a year ago, was that he was living with his girlfriend and a child (not his) and wanted to boot her out. But he just couldn't do it, in the end she cheated on him and I pointed it out, which is were his world pretty much collapsed... but hey, he wanted to have valid grounds. And I didn't want my friend to live with a girl who went sleeping around with anyone.
I begin to wonder, if it's honesty, that puts people off. I don't care to lie to make myself look good. I've looked bad, really, really bad, and I didn't care because it was the truth. Honesty in who you are, honesty in what you see, honesty in what you believe in, and honesty in how you feel. I mean, it's well known that honesty in jobs isn't appreciated, but honesty in your "private" life is apparently a big no-no as well. And I do mean, in it's fullest, not the "well, my significant other likes my honesty, but my parents dont".
The weirdest thing might just be, that I'm actually quite relaxed and relieved, that I comprehend things "my way" and don't get all stressed out. In fact, I come across as rather "happy" most of the time. That is, compared to someone who is genuinely depressed.
PS; I can understand these situations do not apply to everyone. Also, the choices made, during certain points, at certain converstations... I don't really think it's of good use to go for the entire "well, you could have..." point is, I haven't and it doesn't change anything now.
I've been known within my group of "friends" to be the kind of person that somehow understands innerworkings quite good, but to people that don't know me that well, I might come across as a "drama-qeen" (or king if you will), only to a point in the future, where those people come back to me and are like "Dude, I really have to apologize... you were absolutely right". Well, here's food for thought... "Is it, because I said it, they subconsiously paid more attention to said situation? Or did they even act like that?"
I was out for a walk last night and it got me thinking about the entire "dating" and relationship deal. It also got me thinking about "being social" and friends. And for good measure, I'm not an aspie, nor do I suffer from anything on the spectrum.... yet. I'm in talks with my therapist to see how and if I can/should get a diagnosis. So, anyway, thinking about a couple of things in regards to the long run social thing.
If I'm on social networks, or even dating sites, I probably come across as weird. I don't explictly tell about my employment; which, for something besides a quick f***, is kinda relevant to most people. I don't have a decent income, it however it steadier than most employed people. I have interests, which to most people might come across as "too artsy". And well, if I look in the mirror, and compare that image to what a lot of people expect someone to look like as a normal functioning person, I'm way off. And even more so at my age. But I don't care, I like me... I love me even. That's what should count, if anyone wants to hop on board, fine, but don't expect me to change the stuff I do, I like or the way I look.
Thus for a short introduction towards it. I figured, that it would be kinda off to try and date and/or befriend people on the spectrum only. I mean, I prefer to ask someone less personal stuff beforehand. But it figures, that with all the absurdity which is my life... and my life gets totally out of hand sometimes, I kinda look like "trouble" to people my age and I look "awesome" to people 8 years younger I guess. Well, not to all of them, but there's people that were like "oh man... why can't I live your life". I replied them "you wouldn't last a day". It kinda sets a really weird frame, where it's a hit or miss if you decide to get into some conversation with people. Some will think you're great, some will think you're weird or even creepy. It's not that I want to "impress" anyone, but the consensus to what is "accepted" is a really blurry outline. I don't want to come across as a creepy guy. And even less beforehand if people just take "age" in account. I could of course state that people that shallow are not worthy of my presence, but I digress... I'm no god or king.
So for an example; Relationships kinda work for me, as long as the absurdity doesn't get out of control for the other person, I'm aware of that, and I even warn people beforehand. I've dated a girl which was 8 years younger and we had a blast, until she realized "oh crap, my life is awesome, but I can't sustain this... this'll be the death of me"... and thus ended a relationship. I did warn her beforehand stating "I don't think you can handle me", and such I was right.
More recent, I befriended a girl/woman... I hate the word woman... I don't know why, it just sounds kinda off. Girl sounds kinda "young"-ish though. Female? Right, female person, it is. At first we got along great, until I started spewing around "issues". My "situation" (and if I overeat, it's the saturation; alright, that's a stolen joke), my outlook on life, what keeps me busy and at first she was like "Don't worry, perhaps I can offer some help". Further down the line... say; 2 months, the friendship ended in a big F-you. From her part. I wasn't even aware she was bothered by it. I got an email from her when I was out clubbing with a friend. But it came down to the entire "you are a totally unbearable person to know" furthermore it came down the my situation which wasn't "healthy" and it freaked her out to know such situations were possible. Because, at first, she thought I was fooling around a bit and exaggerating, then, after she was on vacation for a week, she had time to think stuff through and came to the realization, that it wasn't fun and games, but it genuinely is a mess... and that, in a way I'm a mess.
I onced laughed it off with "I'm a mess... a beautiful mess, but a mess nonetheless". Which kinda describes how I feel... I'm not too worried about it. I'm not depressed, I'm having a blast.
Now, those 2 situations were along the lines of dating and/or relationships. How about "friends".
I've had a good friend for over 10 years, but he at one point, about 4 months ago, decided to call it quits on me. And that was 5 months after I had a 16 hour talk, talking him out of killing himself. I have yet to understand why he did so, but I have over a dozen parallel theories on that. But the entire deal, a bit more then a year ago, was that he was living with his girlfriend and a child (not his) and wanted to boot her out. But he just couldn't do it, in the end she cheated on him and I pointed it out, which is were his world pretty much collapsed... but hey, he wanted to have valid grounds. And I didn't want my friend to live with a girl who went sleeping around with anyone.
I begin to wonder, if it's honesty, that puts people off. I don't care to lie to make myself look good. I've looked bad, really, really bad, and I didn't care because it was the truth. Honesty in who you are, honesty in what you see, honesty in what you believe in, and honesty in how you feel. I mean, it's well known that honesty in jobs isn't appreciated, but honesty in your "private" life is apparently a big no-no as well. And I do mean, in it's fullest, not the "well, my significant other likes my honesty, but my parents dont".
The weirdest thing might just be, that I'm actually quite relaxed and relieved, that I comprehend things "my way" and don't get all stressed out. In fact, I come across as rather "happy" most of the time. That is, compared to someone who is genuinely depressed.
PS; I can understand these situations do not apply to everyone. Also, the choices made, during certain points, at certain converstations... I don't really think it's of good use to go for the entire "well, you could have..." point is, I haven't and it doesn't change anything now.
