I will never be "cool". Never have been. At our church, everyone is friendly. Within that over all friendly community, there are smaller groups of people who gravitate towards each other through commonality. Well, there is one group that's kind of "cool" I guess. They are in no way snobby or anything like that, but they are socially savvy, funny, interesting - all that good stuff. But I can't keep up with that. We have been invited to several events with them, and it brings back that feeling of being the uncoolest person there, like I don't fit in. Maybe that doesn't matter to others, but it makes me feel bad to be surrounded by these really great, friendly, funny people, but not be able to offer anything back or join in, and to even make them feel awkward or confused at times with my inability to join in/respond.
I have learned through experience that I lack the social clout to make certain jokes/statements that others might and have it be funny - if I do it, it comes off as awkward or offensive. I also am just terrible at telling jokes/funny stories (they're never funny when I do) and I'm not quick or creative enough to come up with funny quips. Whatever negative impact not saying anything has is far less than the negative impact of trying these things out and always coming out with a social gaffe that digs me further into a pit and causes bad feelings towards me through misunderstanding or causing annoyance.
Today I was wondering if there are people at church that I need to meet to see if we could be friends, maybe we could really relate in a significant way. But the fact is, I have been socially left behind by NTs. I am still at a teenage level (and when I was a teenager, I was at a child level). The two friends I have go way, way back - and they just know me and accept me. Even then, it is obvious to me that they are able to relate to others more as peers, whereas the dynamic is different with me. And when I think of people I have tried to befriend recently, it's the same deal - I may be able to have some friendly conversations, maybe arrange some outings, but I am still left behind - it's more apparent when I see them with others or we are in a group. That is just that. The more I learn about ASD vs. NT and accept it, the better things are getting, the calmer and more in control I am able to feel, the knowledge does help. But yeah, today I was reminding myself that I have been left behind socially. This kind of social isolation actually draws me closer to God, so that is good. I do believe this is my cross. For me, scriptures and teachings really come to life as I deal with ASD. As I mentioned, I am hesitant to bring up religion/spirituality, but it is a big part of my life - I may talk about it from time to time in my blog. I need to, in order for this to truly be a place for me to put down my thoughts therapeutically. I hope that does not alienate anyone who happens to be reading. I find people have had so many negative experiences with religion that a mere mention can be triggering, and that's not my intention, so my apologies in advance.
I have learned through experience that I lack the social clout to make certain jokes/statements that others might and have it be funny - if I do it, it comes off as awkward or offensive. I also am just terrible at telling jokes/funny stories (they're never funny when I do) and I'm not quick or creative enough to come up with funny quips. Whatever negative impact not saying anything has is far less than the negative impact of trying these things out and always coming out with a social gaffe that digs me further into a pit and causes bad feelings towards me through misunderstanding or causing annoyance.
Today I was wondering if there are people at church that I need to meet to see if we could be friends, maybe we could really relate in a significant way. But the fact is, I have been socially left behind by NTs. I am still at a teenage level (and when I was a teenager, I was at a child level). The two friends I have go way, way back - and they just know me and accept me. Even then, it is obvious to me that they are able to relate to others more as peers, whereas the dynamic is different with me. And when I think of people I have tried to befriend recently, it's the same deal - I may be able to have some friendly conversations, maybe arrange some outings, but I am still left behind - it's more apparent when I see them with others or we are in a group. That is just that. The more I learn about ASD vs. NT and accept it, the better things are getting, the calmer and more in control I am able to feel, the knowledge does help. But yeah, today I was reminding myself that I have been left behind socially. This kind of social isolation actually draws me closer to God, so that is good. I do believe this is my cross. For me, scriptures and teachings really come to life as I deal with ASD. As I mentioned, I am hesitant to bring up religion/spirituality, but it is a big part of my life - I may talk about it from time to time in my blog. I need to, in order for this to truly be a place for me to put down my thoughts therapeutically. I hope that does not alienate anyone who happens to be reading. I find people have had so many negative experiences with religion that a mere mention can be triggering, and that's not my intention, so my apologies in advance.
