I was going to post this last night when I wrote it but I got chatting to somebody and forgot about it, so here it is, word for [unedited] word:
---
Usually I am not one to complain, but I will, just this one time though?
My landlady just told me the house is going on the market.
Yet another employer turned me down for a job after a ?successful? interview.
My previous partner ?suggested? I don?t ring her anymore if I want to move on with my life.
All that lot got on top of me and I went apeshit and trashed the place.
So I better elaborate on these few things, but first things first:
The house was a miracle, I finally would have enough room to put up my bookshelves and I had room to do all sorts of things, but I knew there would be a catch, there always is. I waited about, maybe, 6 months and nobody jumped out at me saying ?sucker?, so after new years day I started putting in plants in the garden and remodelling the bathroom, I started jogging around the huge park behind my house and overall I was simply feeling great about my coming life.
Let me begin?
Surely the dark days were over, soon I would get a job and, with a house and job I would finally be able to ask a woman, or women, out. I rang my ex (hate that descriptor) on new years eve and spoke to her a little of old times and new years past, then I told her how I had a feeling of how great life was going to be this year for both of us, I said that even if I got a new partner we could still be friends and she very generously told me not to ring her anymore as that would help me move on?
Yes, so helpful that (and yes I know both sides of the argument here so don?t even bother)
Now, I was slowly coming to terms with losing the only friend I had left in the world in favour of finding a new lady to share my life when I got the call that I was to have a job interview, the job is in a field where I already have experience, they know my job mob deals with clients that are [forgive me] damaged mentally or physically, in my case both, and they liked what they knew about me from them already, oh, and one other thing? I was the only person who was put forward because one of the job guys new one of the bosses. Anyway, I interviewed and they said they had been impressed and wouldn?t have been able to tell I was any different at all, so, today I heard back that I didn?t get the job and they will put an ad in the paper.
Apparently they just didn?t like it when I said if the pace is hectic a lot of the time I may take a little bit longer to get into the swing of things than would anybody else. So, what?, they are looking for a challenged person to step in and pick things up straight away in a fast paced environment huh? Well **** ?em and if they can find that person I want one too, to mentor me!
So anyway, same day the job guy tells me that ****** news, my landlady tells me she will be selling the house after all and if I could move out that would help, she was good enough to give me till June at least!
I only moved in here like six months ago and after a few weeks they offered me to buy the house and I said nobody would give me a loan, and they were cool about it, its not like they actually wanted to sell it they said, just giving me the opportunity if I wanted it they said.
So after that little hiccup I had went ahead and bought furniture and moved all my stuff I had in storage and I thought life was great, they had said the day I signed the lease, that I could do anything I liked to the house so long as it was an improvement, so I have been updating the bathroom as I get the money for different things, but nothing else yet because I still had had an idea that my life couldn?t be this awesome after being such total **** for so long.
Turns out I was right, now I have to get rid of a house load of stuff I mostly only just bought.
After I was alone again, I cautioned myself that getting angry and hurting myself wouldn?t make anything better and I thought that I was doing a great job handling it all, I even went to the shops and bought a cake instead of several, very large bags of crisps and a bottle of scotch like I felt I needed. The cake was as close as I would let myself get to being miserable I thought, except when I cut myself a piece and went to put the rest in the fridge and the bottom of the container (supermarket cheap plastic) buckled because I hadn?t put the lid on properly. The cake then went on the floor and I lost my mind, I stomped on the cake and ground it into the floor and threw the knife to the floor as well? the handle then promptly broke and went sailing through the window? which I had closed earlier due to the rain.
Upon seeing the broken window I decided to kick the **** out of my trusty [bar] fridge, which now won?t close due to the door suddenly being warped. I have a slightly sore foot now too, oddly enough.
After surveying the carnage I decided this year was supposed to be different and rather than clean up I wanted to put my mind on something else, so quietly I made a cup of hot chocolate and a spearmint tea for later on (very soothing is spearmint tea), when I went to put the milk in the hot chocolate however, it overflowed and I went berserk again and used the cup to smash all of the glasses on the sink, then I tipped both drinks out and miraculously never got splashed with boiling liquid at any point, nor did I get cut from any broken glass, however the kitchen looks like an explosion happened at a tea party, cake and hot chocolate everywhere.
Oh did I mention that I have been sorely ill with a chest infection for the last several days, and that all my bones are aching because of the weather as well. This also contributed to my mood somewhat. Need I mention the sleep deprivation by folk who keep "regular" hours?
Oh, I also smashed the remote because after everything I tried to watch a DVD and the volume wouldn?t turn up, then I sat there in a blind rage because I really needed to cry and couldn?t, so that made me angrier, in turn I wanted to smash everything which would have made packing easier but I don?t want to be that guy anymore, which deprives me of a way to vent, so now I cant cry and I cant [Hulk] smash everything so how do I go back to normal, usually I would hurt myself if I got this bad but I don?t want to be that guy anymore either, so I have to do something to take my mind of it all and keep my hands occupied at the same time.
I am going to go to get some fast food just now as I don?t trust myself back in the kitchen, not only that but for the long walk and also because I need to deny this furnace of rage that has no direction.
---Some time later---
Well that was a bust, seems that as they close at 11pm they cannot let anybody in after that time, well that?s fair enough I hear you say, but it now seems that 10:50pm is the new 11:00pm, lazy ****ers!
Anyway, the walk blew out my fury candle so I am just sitting here seething now in regular angry man mode.
You know, I often wonder why I bother to talk myself down from feeling suicidal as the things I think are improvements are just new ways to shuffle the **** around, like I talked to a lady I fancy the other day and she asked me if I had another job yet (she knew me when I was a shopkeeper those months over the Christmas before last), and it reinforced why I can?t ask her out.
I have nothing to offer anybody, and you can talk all you like about me having a personality and how she could love me for me but would you put up with a dude that hadn?t had a lasting job in years and only ever gets knock backs from employers?, well at least you try you would say, but you wouldn?t put up with a guy that had hundreds of no?s and only four reasonably lengthy jobs in 20 years would you? The fact that I have Asperger's is just another excuse for being a total ****ing drain on society.
Asperger's doesn?t make me worthless; being a worthless piece of **** makes me worthless!
Why am I even allowed to live, why can I not simply be put down (Side Note: if a dog bites somebody the authorities kill it [kindly], but if a person does it they lock them up and watch them get worse).
I mean really, I just keep getting run over and bludging off the system and being told no every time I try to get out of the gutter, so maybe I should just be like everyone else in this town [Country? Planet?] and go down the pub, find some lousy, liquored up barfly who has her own problems and have some kids with her, when **** gets tough I can just leave her skanky arse and do it all over again with someone else until the calibre of both women and bars improve, until one day I end up with some rich chick from some posh bar who likes it rough and I can marry her? cause she?s a keeper? that?s what my brother did and my mother loves him, yet daily, I try to be a gentleman, I try to be respectful and kind and do the right thing, I walk away from fights and don?t rip people off and look at what I get, S.F.A? except older and more lonely.
I am just the same as everybody else but in a different skin, the only difference used to be that I didn?t want to add to everybody else?s misery by harping on about my own. Is that why people do it, to let off steam, do they come in here and complain about everything to allow people to know how to make them feel better? I have to wonder if it works.
Anyway I better go, and yes, I am already wondering how quickly I will be misquoted or taken out of context or surreptitiously referred to!
Don?t worry about this last line above, if you don?t understand it then I am not talking to you ; ]
---
Usually I am not one to complain, but I will, just this one time though?
My landlady just told me the house is going on the market.
Yet another employer turned me down for a job after a ?successful? interview.
My previous partner ?suggested? I don?t ring her anymore if I want to move on with my life.
All that lot got on top of me and I went apeshit and trashed the place.
So I better elaborate on these few things, but first things first:
The house was a miracle, I finally would have enough room to put up my bookshelves and I had room to do all sorts of things, but I knew there would be a catch, there always is. I waited about, maybe, 6 months and nobody jumped out at me saying ?sucker?, so after new years day I started putting in plants in the garden and remodelling the bathroom, I started jogging around the huge park behind my house and overall I was simply feeling great about my coming life.
Let me begin?
Surely the dark days were over, soon I would get a job and, with a house and job I would finally be able to ask a woman, or women, out. I rang my ex (hate that descriptor) on new years eve and spoke to her a little of old times and new years past, then I told her how I had a feeling of how great life was going to be this year for both of us, I said that even if I got a new partner we could still be friends and she very generously told me not to ring her anymore as that would help me move on?
Yes, so helpful that (and yes I know both sides of the argument here so don?t even bother)
Now, I was slowly coming to terms with losing the only friend I had left in the world in favour of finding a new lady to share my life when I got the call that I was to have a job interview, the job is in a field where I already have experience, they know my job mob deals with clients that are [forgive me] damaged mentally or physically, in my case both, and they liked what they knew about me from them already, oh, and one other thing? I was the only person who was put forward because one of the job guys new one of the bosses. Anyway, I interviewed and they said they had been impressed and wouldn?t have been able to tell I was any different at all, so, today I heard back that I didn?t get the job and they will put an ad in the paper.
Apparently they just didn?t like it when I said if the pace is hectic a lot of the time I may take a little bit longer to get into the swing of things than would anybody else. So, what?, they are looking for a challenged person to step in and pick things up straight away in a fast paced environment huh? Well **** ?em and if they can find that person I want one too, to mentor me!
So anyway, same day the job guy tells me that ****** news, my landlady tells me she will be selling the house after all and if I could move out that would help, she was good enough to give me till June at least!
I only moved in here like six months ago and after a few weeks they offered me to buy the house and I said nobody would give me a loan, and they were cool about it, its not like they actually wanted to sell it they said, just giving me the opportunity if I wanted it they said.
So after that little hiccup I had went ahead and bought furniture and moved all my stuff I had in storage and I thought life was great, they had said the day I signed the lease, that I could do anything I liked to the house so long as it was an improvement, so I have been updating the bathroom as I get the money for different things, but nothing else yet because I still had had an idea that my life couldn?t be this awesome after being such total **** for so long.
Turns out I was right, now I have to get rid of a house load of stuff I mostly only just bought.
After I was alone again, I cautioned myself that getting angry and hurting myself wouldn?t make anything better and I thought that I was doing a great job handling it all, I even went to the shops and bought a cake instead of several, very large bags of crisps and a bottle of scotch like I felt I needed. The cake was as close as I would let myself get to being miserable I thought, except when I cut myself a piece and went to put the rest in the fridge and the bottom of the container (supermarket cheap plastic) buckled because I hadn?t put the lid on properly. The cake then went on the floor and I lost my mind, I stomped on the cake and ground it into the floor and threw the knife to the floor as well? the handle then promptly broke and went sailing through the window? which I had closed earlier due to the rain.
Upon seeing the broken window I decided to kick the **** out of my trusty [bar] fridge, which now won?t close due to the door suddenly being warped. I have a slightly sore foot now too, oddly enough.
After surveying the carnage I decided this year was supposed to be different and rather than clean up I wanted to put my mind on something else, so quietly I made a cup of hot chocolate and a spearmint tea for later on (very soothing is spearmint tea), when I went to put the milk in the hot chocolate however, it overflowed and I went berserk again and used the cup to smash all of the glasses on the sink, then I tipped both drinks out and miraculously never got splashed with boiling liquid at any point, nor did I get cut from any broken glass, however the kitchen looks like an explosion happened at a tea party, cake and hot chocolate everywhere.
Oh did I mention that I have been sorely ill with a chest infection for the last several days, and that all my bones are aching because of the weather as well. This also contributed to my mood somewhat. Need I mention the sleep deprivation by folk who keep "regular" hours?
Oh, I also smashed the remote because after everything I tried to watch a DVD and the volume wouldn?t turn up, then I sat there in a blind rage because I really needed to cry and couldn?t, so that made me angrier, in turn I wanted to smash everything which would have made packing easier but I don?t want to be that guy anymore, which deprives me of a way to vent, so now I cant cry and I cant [Hulk] smash everything so how do I go back to normal, usually I would hurt myself if I got this bad but I don?t want to be that guy anymore either, so I have to do something to take my mind of it all and keep my hands occupied at the same time.
I am going to go to get some fast food just now as I don?t trust myself back in the kitchen, not only that but for the long walk and also because I need to deny this furnace of rage that has no direction.
---Some time later---
Well that was a bust, seems that as they close at 11pm they cannot let anybody in after that time, well that?s fair enough I hear you say, but it now seems that 10:50pm is the new 11:00pm, lazy ****ers!
Anyway, the walk blew out my fury candle so I am just sitting here seething now in regular angry man mode.
You know, I often wonder why I bother to talk myself down from feeling suicidal as the things I think are improvements are just new ways to shuffle the **** around, like I talked to a lady I fancy the other day and she asked me if I had another job yet (she knew me when I was a shopkeeper those months over the Christmas before last), and it reinforced why I can?t ask her out.
I have nothing to offer anybody, and you can talk all you like about me having a personality and how she could love me for me but would you put up with a dude that hadn?t had a lasting job in years and only ever gets knock backs from employers?, well at least you try you would say, but you wouldn?t put up with a guy that had hundreds of no?s and only four reasonably lengthy jobs in 20 years would you? The fact that I have Asperger's is just another excuse for being a total ****ing drain on society.
Asperger's doesn?t make me worthless; being a worthless piece of **** makes me worthless!
Why am I even allowed to live, why can I not simply be put down (Side Note: if a dog bites somebody the authorities kill it [kindly], but if a person does it they lock them up and watch them get worse).
I mean really, I just keep getting run over and bludging off the system and being told no every time I try to get out of the gutter, so maybe I should just be like everyone else in this town [Country? Planet?] and go down the pub, find some lousy, liquored up barfly who has her own problems and have some kids with her, when **** gets tough I can just leave her skanky arse and do it all over again with someone else until the calibre of both women and bars improve, until one day I end up with some rich chick from some posh bar who likes it rough and I can marry her? cause she?s a keeper? that?s what my brother did and my mother loves him, yet daily, I try to be a gentleman, I try to be respectful and kind and do the right thing, I walk away from fights and don?t rip people off and look at what I get, S.F.A? except older and more lonely.
I am just the same as everybody else but in a different skin, the only difference used to be that I didn?t want to add to everybody else?s misery by harping on about my own. Is that why people do it, to let off steam, do they come in here and complain about everything to allow people to know how to make them feel better? I have to wonder if it works.
Anyway I better go, and yes, I am already wondering how quickly I will be misquoted or taken out of context or surreptitiously referred to!
Don?t worry about this last line above, if you don?t understand it then I am not talking to you ; ]
