I work a lot with students. The place where I work has a much higher than normal percentage of students with Asperger's. I sometimes think that has benefited me more in my quest to live with the condition than it has helped them. Through many interactions I've been able to see, through them, all the reasons why 'normal' people consider us socially awkward. I get it now. Recognizing the behavior is the first step in managing the situation (I'm not saying curing because that doesn't exist).
So let's take a brief journey into all the funny and sad things we do as people with Asperger's and Autism. I'm going to start with an example that happened a few years ago. It both illustrates how subtle and how consequential our social blindness can be.
About 4 years ago now, towards the end of the summer, I was in a large staff and student meeting. It was almost the end of our intern season and those at the table were mostly staff and students (no faculty). The meetings were held at a large central table in the communal space where all of the interns work. Each intern briefed us on their progress and we did a round of technical discussions. This took about an hour and at the end the most senior staff member said:
"ok I think we're all done here. Just so you know some of the staff are going into a different meeting here and some faculty will join us for that. Stay if you like but this is most likely not of your interest."
People started to wonder off and went back to work except one student who remained at the table. We're completely used to this so my colleague tried to clarify by saying:
"It's not really your kind of meeting but you're welcome to stay if you like."
Needless to say this student stuck around for the entire faculty meeting. Nobody minded too much because as I said we're used to it, but this is typical of how we behave as people with Autism. In fact after this happened I realized I had done this a few times myself.
So what happened here? I think two things went a bit screwy.
First of all we tend to take everything literally, so when the senior staff member said: "Stay if you like", that was the most literal part of the sentence, which drowned out the more subtle "most likely" part of the rest of the sentence. Also, all of that was in the very last sentence said so the most memorable anyway. My big lesson learned is that that being purely literal rarely happens. there's always some subtext somewhere because most people tend to add feelings and considerations to what they say.
Second, this student didn't recognize a context switch, and quite frankly I don't blame him. I had to think about it for a bit myself afterwards. The follow-up meeting being announced meant that a context switch was pending. But since the location stayed the same and since some of the people at the table even stayed, it became difficult to detect. So anyone there who struggles with context had to use some other means of figuring out that something was up.
In this case I had to learn that people have a much stronger sense of social hierarchy than I do. I truly don't give a **** if someone is the janitor or the head of a research institute (I have friends who are both). But for almost everybody else that's a big difference. So the trigger should have been that faculty came to a meeting which was different in nature than the one ending.
This is where I encourage people with Autism or Asperger's to be a little bit paranoid. If you're detecting something's happening, but you're not quite sure what it is, then err on the side of caution and remove yourself from the situation. That also gives you time to think about what just happened, which gives you a major advantage.
All of this comes down to awareness, or almost a constant vigilance. It's exhausting but also rewarding because it's great to figure out a situation we're not supposed to, given our disability.
I know some of you must be thinking: that sounds all great but can you give me a set of simple rules I can learn and apply. That's not really possible since the list would be endless and wouldn't capture any subtlety.
So here goes:
1) In social situations, try to see if you can spot when other people pay attention to different parts of speech. Don't try to analyze why, just figure out what things being said people are reacting to.
2) If people around you get up or start to move, wonder why. For example, I had to learn that when someone joins a meeting, especially if that person is higher rank or new to the group, everyone stands up. The quick rule is: always shake someone's hand at the same eye level. This rule applies to any kind of behavior. If someone is moving, saying, or acting in a way that doesn't match your expectations, then you're seeing people following a rule. Don't try to figure out the rule, try to figure out the context. Figure out the rule afterwards.
3) If someone at a meeting turns away from you, you've done something out of the ordinary. Meetings by definition are setup so that everyone can see each other. All of those body language things can be looked up in various books. Things like 'people will cross their arms when defensive or angry' are all standard. I'm not trying to have you memorize those, I'm trying to have you recognize when something significant happens.
4) Similarly if someone at a meeting appears to ignore you when you make a comment, then something's up. Don't panic, that's not necessary. There can only be two things going on:
4a) you've said something that undermines their opinion or tells them something they don't want to hear.
4b) Or you're saying it in a way that makes people uncomfortable. For example, you take too much time, go into too much detail or you compare your work/accomplishment/way of doing things directly with someone else's.
The most important rule is: if you detect something is happening you don't understand: don't panic. You will always have time afterwards to figure it out and apply it to the next situation. Try to remember as much detail as you can and see exactly where things diverge from what you expect. You can always use that detail to ask a friend or someone you trust (preferably someone who wasn't there) to help analyze what you missed. Use this website for example.
Here's what I do these days, which took a lot of humility and ego tempering: If I don't understand a situation: say as little as possible and agree with other people, especially through the act of listening. People are incredibly self absorbed and will talk about themselves endlessly. Use that to your advantage by listening!
So let's take a brief journey into all the funny and sad things we do as people with Asperger's and Autism. I'm going to start with an example that happened a few years ago. It both illustrates how subtle and how consequential our social blindness can be.
About 4 years ago now, towards the end of the summer, I was in a large staff and student meeting. It was almost the end of our intern season and those at the table were mostly staff and students (no faculty). The meetings were held at a large central table in the communal space where all of the interns work. Each intern briefed us on their progress and we did a round of technical discussions. This took about an hour and at the end the most senior staff member said:
"ok I think we're all done here. Just so you know some of the staff are going into a different meeting here and some faculty will join us for that. Stay if you like but this is most likely not of your interest."
People started to wonder off and went back to work except one student who remained at the table. We're completely used to this so my colleague tried to clarify by saying:
"It's not really your kind of meeting but you're welcome to stay if you like."
Needless to say this student stuck around for the entire faculty meeting. Nobody minded too much because as I said we're used to it, but this is typical of how we behave as people with Autism. In fact after this happened I realized I had done this a few times myself.
So what happened here? I think two things went a bit screwy.
First of all we tend to take everything literally, so when the senior staff member said: "Stay if you like", that was the most literal part of the sentence, which drowned out the more subtle "most likely" part of the rest of the sentence. Also, all of that was in the very last sentence said so the most memorable anyway. My big lesson learned is that that being purely literal rarely happens. there's always some subtext somewhere because most people tend to add feelings and considerations to what they say.
Second, this student didn't recognize a context switch, and quite frankly I don't blame him. I had to think about it for a bit myself afterwards. The follow-up meeting being announced meant that a context switch was pending. But since the location stayed the same and since some of the people at the table even stayed, it became difficult to detect. So anyone there who struggles with context had to use some other means of figuring out that something was up.
In this case I had to learn that people have a much stronger sense of social hierarchy than I do. I truly don't give a **** if someone is the janitor or the head of a research institute (I have friends who are both). But for almost everybody else that's a big difference. So the trigger should have been that faculty came to a meeting which was different in nature than the one ending.
This is where I encourage people with Autism or Asperger's to be a little bit paranoid. If you're detecting something's happening, but you're not quite sure what it is, then err on the side of caution and remove yourself from the situation. That also gives you time to think about what just happened, which gives you a major advantage.
All of this comes down to awareness, or almost a constant vigilance. It's exhausting but also rewarding because it's great to figure out a situation we're not supposed to, given our disability.
I know some of you must be thinking: that sounds all great but can you give me a set of simple rules I can learn and apply. That's not really possible since the list would be endless and wouldn't capture any subtlety.
So here goes:
1) In social situations, try to see if you can spot when other people pay attention to different parts of speech. Don't try to analyze why, just figure out what things being said people are reacting to.
2) If people around you get up or start to move, wonder why. For example, I had to learn that when someone joins a meeting, especially if that person is higher rank or new to the group, everyone stands up. The quick rule is: always shake someone's hand at the same eye level. This rule applies to any kind of behavior. If someone is moving, saying, or acting in a way that doesn't match your expectations, then you're seeing people following a rule. Don't try to figure out the rule, try to figure out the context. Figure out the rule afterwards.
3) If someone at a meeting turns away from you, you've done something out of the ordinary. Meetings by definition are setup so that everyone can see each other. All of those body language things can be looked up in various books. Things like 'people will cross their arms when defensive or angry' are all standard. I'm not trying to have you memorize those, I'm trying to have you recognize when something significant happens.
4) Similarly if someone at a meeting appears to ignore you when you make a comment, then something's up. Don't panic, that's not necessary. There can only be two things going on:
4a) you've said something that undermines their opinion or tells them something they don't want to hear.
4b) Or you're saying it in a way that makes people uncomfortable. For example, you take too much time, go into too much detail or you compare your work/accomplishment/way of doing things directly with someone else's.
The most important rule is: if you detect something is happening you don't understand: don't panic. You will always have time afterwards to figure it out and apply it to the next situation. Try to remember as much detail as you can and see exactly where things diverge from what you expect. You can always use that detail to ask a friend or someone you trust (preferably someone who wasn't there) to help analyze what you missed. Use this website for example.
Here's what I do these days, which took a lot of humility and ego tempering: If I don't understand a situation: say as little as possible and agree with other people, especially through the act of listening. People are incredibly self absorbed and will talk about themselves endlessly. Use that to your advantage by listening!
