I had a really degrading experience this morning. Part of it was probably that the experience meant something very very different to me than to the other party involved- but part of it was that the other person I think honestly didn't put any thought into what they were doing. The specific details of what happened aren't really important- but it's stuff that happens all the time with doctors when you have like a MILLION health issues and some of them are neurological, some psych, some physical, and some of those are not clear cut. A lot of stuff falls through cracks and is disregarded.Often things I say or experience are invalidated. Even things that have been repeatedly investigated and agreed upon by multiple providers. I'm actually expecting that often.
Given that I have known me my whole life and they knew me for a whole forty minutes at that point- it would have been wise to tread lightly, yes?
Today was different though. I don't even know why- I mean basically all that happened- the usual disregard for one or two things I experience or that I've been told I have going on, inaccurate understanding of what I'm saying, invalidation... but it felt really really different.
I ended up feeling absolutely torn down. In a way that I honestly don't recall feeling... maybe even ever. I probably have felt like that before. But I don't really remember when. I was in a public building today, so I couldn't really just flip out completely. It was one of those situations too, where if I had shown how truly devastated I felt it probably would have been seen as manipulative [but not really because anyone in particular is evil or anything]. It was awful. It still kind of is.
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People can just tear you apart and sometimes have absolutely no idea they are doing it. To rationalize how intense and vast my upset was, I thought to myself [literally] "I think I need to just feel like I hate everyone right now. Everyone in existence." This actually included me, too. The weight of my feelings was so devastating and so unbearable.
-I didn't know what to do with them.
-I also kind of figured it made sense that if I was upset at everyone than no one person, in my mind, would bear the AWESOME OF MY UPSETNESS.
So, yeah basically I really wanted to be pissed at the world to make up for it.
I decided to try to ignore that for a while and put it off and go get blood work first though. As I was getting my blood drawn I just completely broke down and started sobbing an the person taking my blood was so nice and caring. She got me juice and didn't ask any questions, didn't think it was her business but just let me sit there and freak out and sob and use up all her tissues and drink juice and flip out for a while.
So after that I kind of couldn't be pissed with everyone. I wasn't even really sure I wanted to be pissed with anyone in the first place. At least half of this kind of issue is due to training than the actual individual provider. Combined with communication issues, the fact that I have OCD like whoa and anxiety.. and... I don't think [some of] these people are evil.
I still felt like crap.
So, anyway. I came here.
I found a bunch of stuff where people were responding positively to stuff I said. Or there were other people responding positively to other people. Or people just understood things I've experienced.
I feel a little better. Not like I'm at Jean-Grey-World-Destroying-Upset level anymore. But still a little shaken up. I usually feel pretty solid in what's going on with me- even given the fact that I have a mean case of OCD the disorder of "What If?". This... it really jarred me. i don't know why.
I'm at a place now where I think I can work on figuring out maybe why the whole thing upset me SO SO MUCH. I should be bothered- yes. Devastated? ...no.
But thanks guys, now I can't be pissed off at like 7 billion people.
Given that I have known me my whole life and they knew me for a whole forty minutes at that point- it would have been wise to tread lightly, yes?
Today was different though. I don't even know why- I mean basically all that happened- the usual disregard for one or two things I experience or that I've been told I have going on, inaccurate understanding of what I'm saying, invalidation... but it felt really really different.
I ended up feeling absolutely torn down. In a way that I honestly don't recall feeling... maybe even ever. I probably have felt like that before. But I don't really remember when. I was in a public building today, so I couldn't really just flip out completely. It was one of those situations too, where if I had shown how truly devastated I felt it probably would have been seen as manipulative [but not really because anyone in particular is evil or anything]. It was awful. It still kind of is.
---
People can just tear you apart and sometimes have absolutely no idea they are doing it. To rationalize how intense and vast my upset was, I thought to myself [literally] "I think I need to just feel like I hate everyone right now. Everyone in existence." This actually included me, too. The weight of my feelings was so devastating and so unbearable.
-I didn't know what to do with them.
-I also kind of figured it made sense that if I was upset at everyone than no one person, in my mind, would bear the AWESOME OF MY UPSETNESS.
[insert image of Super Upset Girl here]
So, yeah basically I really wanted to be pissed at the world to make up for it.
I decided to try to ignore that for a while and put it off and go get blood work first though. As I was getting my blood drawn I just completely broke down and started sobbing an the person taking my blood was so nice and caring. She got me juice and didn't ask any questions, didn't think it was her business but just let me sit there and freak out and sob and use up all her tissues and drink juice and flip out for a while.
So after that I kind of couldn't be pissed with everyone. I wasn't even really sure I wanted to be pissed with anyone in the first place. At least half of this kind of issue is due to training than the actual individual provider. Combined with communication issues, the fact that I have OCD like whoa and anxiety.. and... I don't think [some of] these people are evil.
I still felt like crap.
So, anyway. I came here.
I found a bunch of stuff where people were responding positively to stuff I said. Or there were other people responding positively to other people. Or people just understood things I've experienced.
I feel a little better. Not like I'm at Jean-Grey-World-Destroying-Upset level anymore. But still a little shaken up. I usually feel pretty solid in what's going on with me- even given the fact that I have a mean case of OCD the disorder of "What If?". This... it really jarred me. i don't know why.
I'm at a place now where I think I can work on figuring out maybe why the whole thing upset me SO SO MUCH. I should be bothered- yes. Devastated? ...no.
But thanks guys, now I can't be pissed off at like 7 billion people.
