The only social system where I've felt comfortable is the family I have now, and it's small. Today my son leaves for a two-week trip and I am aware that it will be very quiet. The Empty Nest isn't here yet, but I can feel the tremors for it. My son is older, hairier, more confident, and the challenges he's looking for now are bigger.
I can feel my vulnerability and my loneliness. Maybe it won't be as bad as I fear, but as I grow older, I notice that every social interaction I make outside of my own household, in real life, is economic. That gets hard when jobs get tough. Being neither "disabled" by my Asperger's nor secure in a job, I feel like social connections with people are a magic carpet ride. The carpet can disappear from under me at any moment, and there's a long freefall in space.
I had really hoped I could burrow into my job and that I could be there for years. Tomorrow I think I find out if I still have one. If I come home without one, I will once again be putting home repair on hold while I scramble to hold onto my place on the economic ladder.
And I hear a change in my thoughts. For three days, it was "Be still, and know that I am God." Yesterday it changed to "Trust in the Lord, and do good."
What good can I do with fear in my heart? Timid good?
My son said, "you know that moment in 'Brave,' when the momma bear stops a moment to adjust her crown? That's you. Timid, but..." and he trails off.
I fuss over a silly head ornament, forgetting that I'm a bear in his eyes. "Kinda awkward, kinda funny, until you stand up and swat things into oblivion."
How do I use this to swat my fear into oblivion?
I can feel my vulnerability and my loneliness. Maybe it won't be as bad as I fear, but as I grow older, I notice that every social interaction I make outside of my own household, in real life, is economic. That gets hard when jobs get tough. Being neither "disabled" by my Asperger's nor secure in a job, I feel like social connections with people are a magic carpet ride. The carpet can disappear from under me at any moment, and there's a long freefall in space.
I had really hoped I could burrow into my job and that I could be there for years. Tomorrow I think I find out if I still have one. If I come home without one, I will once again be putting home repair on hold while I scramble to hold onto my place on the economic ladder.
And I hear a change in my thoughts. For three days, it was "Be still, and know that I am God." Yesterday it changed to "Trust in the Lord, and do good."
What good can I do with fear in my heart? Timid good?
My son said, "you know that moment in 'Brave,' when the momma bear stops a moment to adjust her crown? That's you. Timid, but..." and he trails off.
I fuss over a silly head ornament, forgetting that I'm a bear in his eyes. "Kinda awkward, kinda funny, until you stand up and swat things into oblivion."
How do I use this to swat my fear into oblivion?
