The Lie I Must Live

Gomendosi's blog, "Working Twice As Hard to Be Seen as Half Normal" really hit home with me. I feel like that a lot, especially because "officially" I am "normal". That I do manage to pull it off as well as I do is due to the constant self-monitoring and self-discipline that I must do. Along with that is the constant fear that my inadequacies will be exposed and I will be given the boot. Recent events at my job have done nothing to distill this apprehension. Yet I cannot talk to anyone who is not on the spectrum about these things because they just don't understand. They haven't a clue. Not even the ones who are parents to autistic children, and that is one thing I really don't understand. You would think that having a real live autistic adult in their midst, they would want to know how our minds work so that they can relate to their children better. But no.

Maybe they don't want to know because they fear bad news. They want so desperately to cling to their illusions. They don't want to hear about the bullying, the loneliness, the social isolation. They don't want to hear about the masks we must put on just to survive. They don't want to hear about our doubts, our questions, when confronted with the notion of a loving God.

"Don't be so hard on yourself," I am constantly told. Yet if I am NOT hard on myself, I don't stand a chance. I must be hard on myself because I know my weaknesses better than anyone. It's the lie I must live because there really isn't any other option. It's a burden I can't put down. Like Scarlett O'Hara in the wrecked garden at Tara, I must keep going.

I think if it weren't for Aspies Central some of us would go stark raving mad.