Yesterday I ran into a family from my old church. They said they hadn't seen me in quite awhile and were astonished to find out that I had left the church. "We figured that you were busy with the plays, and that's why we hadn't seen you. But then we went to the last production and you weren't there." They assumed. They did not call. They did not email. They assumed. I did not say anything. There's no need to say anything, it does no good. Why stir up hard feelings?
So I put on my best mask and said that everything was fine and that I was going to the Unitarian church now, which really caused them to raise their eyebrows. They wanted to know why I had left their church and I said quite simply I could not agree with what they teach. Anyway we had a long conversation which did not end the way they wanted it to, with me returning to the fold. But it was interesting. The youngest daughter was home from college where she had just led a fellow classmate to Christ so she was all aflush with her triumph and so she thought she could repeat that feat with me. No luck. I was gentle with her, I pulled my punches, because I remember what it was like to be that age and so certain, but I thought, dear child, you are a babe in the woods when it comes to sharing your religion with others who don't believe the way you do. You got lucky with your classmate; others won't be so easy.
Unfortunately I was not able to sit down with her privately and gently point out the mistakes that she was making in her argument. Or shall I say assumptions? So I am going to lay them out now.
Her first mistake was that she was making assumptions. She assumed that even though I said I was not a believer, that I still shared the same basic premise: that there was a God, and that the Bible is His Word. That is what she was basing her argument (in the sense of discussion, not quarreling) on. That I accepted the authority of the Bible when it speaks about God and--how do I put it--I really did believe deep down, and if only I would recognize this, and say the things she wanted to hear, all would be well. No. We are not starting from the same premise. You cannot make that assumption.
"Would you like me to read a verse from Scripture?" she asked all eager-eyed. I said, yeah, go ahead. So she read out her verse as if that would convince me. I wonder what she would have said if I had countered with, "Would you like me to read a verse from the Qu'ran?" On second thought, I do know. The Qu'ran is not a valid revelation. Don't say that too loudly around a crowd of Muslims. I happen to know they feel just as strongly about the Qu'ran as she does about the Bible. But my point is, no amount of quoting the Qu'ran is going to turn her into a Muslim because she does not accept the Qu'ran as God's last word on the subject. Apparently it has never dawned on her that there are plenty of people out there who do not accept the Bible as a source of religious information, whether it is because they have their OWN scriptures or because they simply don't believe in holy books period. So using the Bible to make a point is worthless unless both sides agree that it has authority.
"Do you think that God wants a relationship with you?" That was her next misstep. First of all, it is a leading question. I pointed out that as an agnostic I do not necessarily believe that God exists and the last I heard it was rather impossible for a non-existent being to have relationships. "But do you?" she persisted. I said, "IF there is a God, I would like to think that He (and there I fell right into her trap) wants a relationship with me. But I do not know if that is the case." Again, she is making the assumption that the God we are both talking about is the Biblical God and not the God of the Deists, or Allah, or even that there is only one (male-gendered) God. I shall be more careful in the future and not use "He". As I pointed out in one of the forums, the very way the question "Do you believe in God" is worded is making assumptions that monotheism is the only option out there whereas polytheism has been around much longer and has for most of human history been more widespread. The question "Do you believe in God" means something quite different to a follower of the Hindu religion where there are many Gods who take many forms. We in the West have been monotheistic for so long we have forgotten that maybe there might be a case for polytheism after all. I am not a Hindu nor polytheistic so I don't know how you would begin to make that case but I am sure that there are Hindus out there who could probably give my college friend a good run for her money. Why not many Gods? Why only one?
My point is, you cannot base your argument for your faith on the assumption the other person shares your definitions and beliefs. The very definition of a non-believer is that he or she doesn't. You have to start out by finding out where they are coming from--and you have to listen. When a person says they do not believe there is anything supernatural out there you cannot jump ahead to Jesus being God's Son. It would make as much sense as me talking about Rama or Krishna or Shiva to her. She does not accept their existence so anything further being said about them is not likely to convince her. You have to start from the same place. And most evangelists don't even try to.
This is the mistake evangelists make.
So I put on my best mask and said that everything was fine and that I was going to the Unitarian church now, which really caused them to raise their eyebrows. They wanted to know why I had left their church and I said quite simply I could not agree with what they teach. Anyway we had a long conversation which did not end the way they wanted it to, with me returning to the fold. But it was interesting. The youngest daughter was home from college where she had just led a fellow classmate to Christ so she was all aflush with her triumph and so she thought she could repeat that feat with me. No luck. I was gentle with her, I pulled my punches, because I remember what it was like to be that age and so certain, but I thought, dear child, you are a babe in the woods when it comes to sharing your religion with others who don't believe the way you do. You got lucky with your classmate; others won't be so easy.
Unfortunately I was not able to sit down with her privately and gently point out the mistakes that she was making in her argument. Or shall I say assumptions? So I am going to lay them out now.
Her first mistake was that she was making assumptions. She assumed that even though I said I was not a believer, that I still shared the same basic premise: that there was a God, and that the Bible is His Word. That is what she was basing her argument (in the sense of discussion, not quarreling) on. That I accepted the authority of the Bible when it speaks about God and--how do I put it--I really did believe deep down, and if only I would recognize this, and say the things she wanted to hear, all would be well. No. We are not starting from the same premise. You cannot make that assumption.
"Would you like me to read a verse from Scripture?" she asked all eager-eyed. I said, yeah, go ahead. So she read out her verse as if that would convince me. I wonder what she would have said if I had countered with, "Would you like me to read a verse from the Qu'ran?" On second thought, I do know. The Qu'ran is not a valid revelation. Don't say that too loudly around a crowd of Muslims. I happen to know they feel just as strongly about the Qu'ran as she does about the Bible. But my point is, no amount of quoting the Qu'ran is going to turn her into a Muslim because she does not accept the Qu'ran as God's last word on the subject. Apparently it has never dawned on her that there are plenty of people out there who do not accept the Bible as a source of religious information, whether it is because they have their OWN scriptures or because they simply don't believe in holy books period. So using the Bible to make a point is worthless unless both sides agree that it has authority.
"Do you think that God wants a relationship with you?" That was her next misstep. First of all, it is a leading question. I pointed out that as an agnostic I do not necessarily believe that God exists and the last I heard it was rather impossible for a non-existent being to have relationships. "But do you?" she persisted. I said, "IF there is a God, I would like to think that He (and there I fell right into her trap) wants a relationship with me. But I do not know if that is the case." Again, she is making the assumption that the God we are both talking about is the Biblical God and not the God of the Deists, or Allah, or even that there is only one (male-gendered) God. I shall be more careful in the future and not use "He". As I pointed out in one of the forums, the very way the question "Do you believe in God" is worded is making assumptions that monotheism is the only option out there whereas polytheism has been around much longer and has for most of human history been more widespread. The question "Do you believe in God" means something quite different to a follower of the Hindu religion where there are many Gods who take many forms. We in the West have been monotheistic for so long we have forgotten that maybe there might be a case for polytheism after all. I am not a Hindu nor polytheistic so I don't know how you would begin to make that case but I am sure that there are Hindus out there who could probably give my college friend a good run for her money. Why not many Gods? Why only one?
My point is, you cannot base your argument for your faith on the assumption the other person shares your definitions and beliefs. The very definition of a non-believer is that he or she doesn't. You have to start out by finding out where they are coming from--and you have to listen. When a person says they do not believe there is anything supernatural out there you cannot jump ahead to Jesus being God's Son. It would make as much sense as me talking about Rama or Krishna or Shiva to her. She does not accept their existence so anything further being said about them is not likely to convince her. You have to start from the same place. And most evangelists don't even try to.
This is the mistake evangelists make.
