Every December is hard for me. December has passed, yet this winter I haven't had the time to sit with my thoughts and feel the things I need to in order to get through my usual aches. It's not a seasonal depression in the traditional sense. It indeed is depressing- and is indeed very seasonal. However, it is directly tied to an experience I had what feels like a lifetime ago. The following contains difficult subject matter that some may find disturbing or painful to read. These are real experiences I have had, and continue to haunt me. This entry serves as a way to process my emotions, and I wish to share with others so maybe we can share our ways of coping and healing with each other.
I experienced grooming over online chatrooms from ages 11-17. Only the year I turned 18 did I realize the gravity of what happened to me, and I haven't been the same since. One of these men became my boyfriend from ages 13-18, however about 7 months before I turned 18 I began trying to get out of the relationship. He had visited me in person before, when I was 16. I met up with him at his hotel, and we kissed. Before he had arrived in my town, I told him I didn't want to have sex. He told me that I got his hopes up for nothing, and that he was disappointed by my wish to not have sex until at least I was an adult. I promised we could still kiss and stuff, just not have sex. He expressed fear that I would be too scared to kiss him with tongue, and would only give a peck. To not make him any more disappointed, I began masking heavily to hide my discomfort. I sat close to him, laid on the bed with him. I kissed him with tongue. He was bad at kissing. He hadn't kissed anybody before. I hadn't either, but had practiced beforehand. He touched me without asking.
That was my 16th December. Now, each winter, I can't help but be reminded of the feeling with every breath. Orange walls, brown bed, hard chest, cheese curds, crying. Walking on a frozen lake, kissing in the park when I didn't want to, being scared of my classmates seeing me. My current boyfriend (who is very lovely and the same age as me) says I have gotten so much better, but sometimes it doesn't feel like it. I'm terrified of forming any relationship with men older than me. I feel a subconscious need to be impressive to other guys, even though that's not something I think about putting effort into. I hate sleeping in the same space as men other than my boyfriend. I feel so uneasy being perceived by older men, even just passing them to get food from the kitchen or not wearing socks or long pants in front of them.
I plan to start therapy when there is an opening for me. Does it get better?
How do I cope outside of a psychiatrist's office?
I experienced grooming over online chatrooms from ages 11-17. Only the year I turned 18 did I realize the gravity of what happened to me, and I haven't been the same since. One of these men became my boyfriend from ages 13-18, however about 7 months before I turned 18 I began trying to get out of the relationship. He had visited me in person before, when I was 16. I met up with him at his hotel, and we kissed. Before he had arrived in my town, I told him I didn't want to have sex. He told me that I got his hopes up for nothing, and that he was disappointed by my wish to not have sex until at least I was an adult. I promised we could still kiss and stuff, just not have sex. He expressed fear that I would be too scared to kiss him with tongue, and would only give a peck. To not make him any more disappointed, I began masking heavily to hide my discomfort. I sat close to him, laid on the bed with him. I kissed him with tongue. He was bad at kissing. He hadn't kissed anybody before. I hadn't either, but had practiced beforehand. He touched me without asking.
That was my 16th December. Now, each winter, I can't help but be reminded of the feeling with every breath. Orange walls, brown bed, hard chest, cheese curds, crying. Walking on a frozen lake, kissing in the park when I didn't want to, being scared of my classmates seeing me. My current boyfriend (who is very lovely and the same age as me) says I have gotten so much better, but sometimes it doesn't feel like it. I'm terrified of forming any relationship with men older than me. I feel a subconscious need to be impressive to other guys, even though that's not something I think about putting effort into. I hate sleeping in the same space as men other than my boyfriend. I feel so uneasy being perceived by older men, even just passing them to get food from the kitchen or not wearing socks or long pants in front of them.
I plan to start therapy when there is an opening for me. Does it get better?
How do I cope outside of a psychiatrist's office?
