I feel like i'm just being whiny on here but you guys have yet to get pissed off about it so until you do, I'll just keep venting here. I just feel like such a dead end. Like, if i had only learned to drive, it'd be more bearable. But i never did. Hell i have a car but i haven't ever learned to drive it. The deadline's approaching, my supposed graduation date but i am not really graduating. They'll start asking questions soon. Questions i can't answer. When's graduation? Where'll you go from here? Where are you applying? Etc.
I mean...even if a miracle happens and i learn to drive and pass the licensing test in a super short period of time, even if i get the guts to move out, i'll be working two jobs and coming home to an empty house. What's the point in that? I don't have trust in people, i always second guess everything and i never expect anyone to have the ability to stick around when i really need them. I don't know how to do the whole make friends and keep them thing. I had a friend as a child but she turned out to be a psycho faker sort of. Extended family's always ignored our very existence. Everyone else it seems like either have great parents who dont mind if they work and live at home or they are on their own making it just fine with friends happy. I just feel like even if i try its all a dead end. I'll get nowhere and i'll always be lonely. Maybe if i'd just acted perfect and played right into my mom's hands growing up i'd at least have that - success, and she'd love me at least superficially. I wouldn't have known what it feels like to be betrayed and to feel perceived abandonment.
Plus the more and more time goes on i think i really am gay. Lesbian is the right word but whatever. I know mom would never accept that either. She's very vocally conservative as is the rest of my family. So knowing that, knowing that even if i could turn back time and be the perfect kid, they could still find that out and hate me anyways, that hurts too. Everything just hurts, it always hurts. Relief is only temporary - watching youtube, watching netflix, playing videogames, listening to music, reading and writing fanfics...it only helps so much.
I mean...even if a miracle happens and i learn to drive and pass the licensing test in a super short period of time, even if i get the guts to move out, i'll be working two jobs and coming home to an empty house. What's the point in that? I don't have trust in people, i always second guess everything and i never expect anyone to have the ability to stick around when i really need them. I don't know how to do the whole make friends and keep them thing. I had a friend as a child but she turned out to be a psycho faker sort of. Extended family's always ignored our very existence. Everyone else it seems like either have great parents who dont mind if they work and live at home or they are on their own making it just fine with friends happy. I just feel like even if i try its all a dead end. I'll get nowhere and i'll always be lonely. Maybe if i'd just acted perfect and played right into my mom's hands growing up i'd at least have that - success, and she'd love me at least superficially. I wouldn't have known what it feels like to be betrayed and to feel perceived abandonment.
Plus the more and more time goes on i think i really am gay. Lesbian is the right word but whatever. I know mom would never accept that either. She's very vocally conservative as is the rest of my family. So knowing that, knowing that even if i could turn back time and be the perfect kid, they could still find that out and hate me anyways, that hurts too. Everything just hurts, it always hurts. Relief is only temporary - watching youtube, watching netflix, playing videogames, listening to music, reading and writing fanfics...it only helps so much.
