I'm continuing to try to figure out how to best handle this, to see what I can manage. Now I understand why so many Aspies apparently can't handle anything else once they come home from full time work - meaning some need to just be entirely alone to do their own thing, not have to interact with family or do a whole other list of chores. When I come home and have to just throw on another role of responsibilities, my emotional immaturity really comes out. At the same time, I truly believe in people trying, trying, trying if they have any glimmer of hope they might figure out a way - I think many Aspies are able to forge their own unique path and way to handle things that otherwise they couldn't, and I do feel more armed with knowledge about myself as an Aspie, plus my conditions are much more ideal now in terms of work and home. So I am trying!
In "part 1", I had a long list of things I need/want to do, other than work. I get this feeling like I need to do all of these things, every night, when I come home from work. And also like I need to do it on the weekend, too. But there aren't enough hours in the day, not even on the weekend, but especially on week nights, when I only have about 4 hours before bedtime when I come home from work.
Of course, if I want my days to be super rigid, the same every day, then I can say goodbye to my job and my marriage. Because to do all of this every day, I would need much more time than I can devote to them, to the point of neglecting job and marriage. So I need to get over the idea that my days are going to be the same.
It's hard for me to think about super disciplined about timing and scheduling of activities. If I want to squeeze a lot of things into a small time...well, that means keeping track of time and switching activities a lot - I can keep track of time with alarms, but I'm not good at keeping track of it while I am in the present moment - and switching gears is very stressful and arduous for me.
I'm going to have to prioritize, then get creative with how I incorporate certain things, like combining things. ALSO....I need to keep in mind that perseveration/obsession is likely driving some of my compulsion to engage in all of these things every day - and if I can just get my mind off of it, or get sed to the idea of telling myself it's okay to not engage in that today, as I can do that a different day, if I can just get used to lifting my mind away from certain things like lifting the needle away from a record, then that could help a lot. That feel like it might be a core skill that could really help.
Yes, I would love to spend every day of my entire life simply obsessing over all of my special interests and going whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. But I think I grow more from stretching, reaching - I just have less motivation to do that, and a whole lot of other things to manage, things that are difficult to manage emotionally and in terms of executive functioning and social interaction...and yet in that difficult direction lies a lot of growth (and financial survival!). I know it from my past experience - it's just that that can also damage and burn out. So I need to find my own healthy balance. But one of the deep feelings I have about this process I am attempting is that I am taking the lens off of me and focusing it outwards at my life instead. Well, just yesterday I would have said "at others" instead. Thinking of it as taking the lens off of me and putting it on my life, that's still a shift from inward to outward for me, but not as much, and in a way that I can still understand and feel safe with (having my lens totally pointed outwards at other people is very bizarre and exhausting for me, as I totally lose sight of myself completely, I feel disconnected and disoriented - this is what can happen if I am at a loud gathering of people).
Anyways, for me, it is enough of a struggle to get out of my head and really experience and see my actual life - I sometimes don't even realize that I am really uncomfortable physically in some way and it is causing strain and I should do something about it. So basically, kind of disconnected from my environment. Though at the same time, my environment affects me a lot - so for example, if my home is messy, it causes a lot of inner stress, but that also drives me to ignore it. It's so weird. I will meticulously decorate - and if I had lots of spare time, then I would keep the place cleaned up every day, but I don't have time for that, so then I flip into "ignore the mess, leave things everywhere" mode. It's the same with being physically unfit and overweight - I hate how it feels, so I try to ignore it - and then do nothing to reduce the problem, instead I make it worse.
I have written even more about how to prioritize and arrange the list of things I feel I need to get done, in addition to work. That won't fit in this blog post - I'll have to separate it all out over several posts.
In "part 1", I had a long list of things I need/want to do, other than work. I get this feeling like I need to do all of these things, every night, when I come home from work. And also like I need to do it on the weekend, too. But there aren't enough hours in the day, not even on the weekend, but especially on week nights, when I only have about 4 hours before bedtime when I come home from work.
Of course, if I want my days to be super rigid, the same every day, then I can say goodbye to my job and my marriage. Because to do all of this every day, I would need much more time than I can devote to them, to the point of neglecting job and marriage. So I need to get over the idea that my days are going to be the same.
It's hard for me to think about super disciplined about timing and scheduling of activities. If I want to squeeze a lot of things into a small time...well, that means keeping track of time and switching activities a lot - I can keep track of time with alarms, but I'm not good at keeping track of it while I am in the present moment - and switching gears is very stressful and arduous for me.
I'm going to have to prioritize, then get creative with how I incorporate certain things, like combining things. ALSO....I need to keep in mind that perseveration/obsession is likely driving some of my compulsion to engage in all of these things every day - and if I can just get my mind off of it, or get sed to the idea of telling myself it's okay to not engage in that today, as I can do that a different day, if I can just get used to lifting my mind away from certain things like lifting the needle away from a record, then that could help a lot. That feel like it might be a core skill that could really help.
Yes, I would love to spend every day of my entire life simply obsessing over all of my special interests and going whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. But I think I grow more from stretching, reaching - I just have less motivation to do that, and a whole lot of other things to manage, things that are difficult to manage emotionally and in terms of executive functioning and social interaction...and yet in that difficult direction lies a lot of growth (and financial survival!). I know it from my past experience - it's just that that can also damage and burn out. So I need to find my own healthy balance. But one of the deep feelings I have about this process I am attempting is that I am taking the lens off of me and focusing it outwards at my life instead. Well, just yesterday I would have said "at others" instead. Thinking of it as taking the lens off of me and putting it on my life, that's still a shift from inward to outward for me, but not as much, and in a way that I can still understand and feel safe with (having my lens totally pointed outwards at other people is very bizarre and exhausting for me, as I totally lose sight of myself completely, I feel disconnected and disoriented - this is what can happen if I am at a loud gathering of people).
Anyways, for me, it is enough of a struggle to get out of my head and really experience and see my actual life - I sometimes don't even realize that I am really uncomfortable physically in some way and it is causing strain and I should do something about it. So basically, kind of disconnected from my environment. Though at the same time, my environment affects me a lot - so for example, if my home is messy, it causes a lot of inner stress, but that also drives me to ignore it. It's so weird. I will meticulously decorate - and if I had lots of spare time, then I would keep the place cleaned up every day, but I don't have time for that, so then I flip into "ignore the mess, leave things everywhere" mode. It's the same with being physically unfit and overweight - I hate how it feels, so I try to ignore it - and then do nothing to reduce the problem, instead I make it worse.
I have written even more about how to prioritize and arrange the list of things I feel I need to get done, in addition to work. That won't fit in this blog post - I'll have to separate it all out over several posts.
