He cannot fall into a deep sleep for weeks now. Sleep for about 1 hour, then suddenly wakes up from midnite until 3,4 am. After that also, not falling into a deep sleep.
So, the next morning he will be depressed and have headache, also bad mood. Cannot do anything.
Maybe this is a vicious cycle. He cannot sleep maybe because of depression; about many things: no fulfilling job, no teammate, no friend, nobody to talk to, nowhere to go without being anxious because of stuttering and language barrier. He also stutters because of stress talking in new places and new languages. Then when he cannot sleep, he will be depressed.
If i am the perfect wife, who can make delicious cooking and entertaining guests, and good at cleaning and decorating our house alone, and have good social connections, maybe i could have invite somebody to our house. Unfortunately, i am not like that, i struggle to even keep our house manageable. Inviting guest?? Oh boy, we dont even have a sofa. And who can i invite? I also have nobody to invite. Also, i struggle in decision making, like when buying furniture, or going somewhere, picking a tuition plan, etc.
If i am the outgoing person who doesnt mind 'babysitting' him, bringing him to this and that place, then it might be better. Problem is, i too dont know where to bring him, nor i have any friend to introduce him too. We need a person who doesnt mind quiet and anxious him, and willing to bring him anywhere and stick with him. Unfortunately, who are willing to?
I am ok with being in the house for days. Housework and internet are enough for me. But not for him. He wants somebody else to talk with other than me. But he preferably doesnt want to drive especially nowadays since he is not feeling well because of the insomnia. And i am lazy to prepare myself to go out, planning a place to go that he might like (how should i know? The place he prefers is where he lived before in his homecountry, which doesnt exist nearby here), finding a friend he feels easily to talk with (whereeee), and drive (oh this is my problem. I dont like to drive, and always want him to drive).
It is all can be done actually, if i dont mind planning and managing everything. Researching, planning, contacting people, convincing him, managing the shame in case he wants to cancel, bringing him there.. Actually i can just bring him eventhough he feels reluctant, try an error.
Feels like everything is on my shoulder. When he doesnt even ask me to do. But seeing him like this makes me feel sad and guilty. I just hope he will be accustomed and happy here.. maybe because no interesting research job for him here.. and i have damn scholarship bond so i am reluctant to move to his place.. (this is another story).
I am worried about him everyday without anything efficient to help him. I cant focus on my own work. I need to settle my main work (marking papers for now) and housework first, before doing research with him.. (another story?)
Maybe because we are both beta people so nothing proceeds.. so sad. I want him to lead me, but i feel i need to guide him and everything is up to me..
Maybe i dont pray sincerely enough for years. I should strengthen my bond with God. At least, pious people always feel safe in their heart. I have nobody to help me, but i dont ask God for calmness.. how stupid am I. Always, when i seek God's help, i always feel safe afterwards. I need to seek God's help to guide me to be more calm, move forward, be more efficient, erase my hopelessness, and feel more hopeful and cheerful. With these, i can help my husband better. I know this but i am too lazy.. lol.
So, the next morning he will be depressed and have headache, also bad mood. Cannot do anything.
Maybe this is a vicious cycle. He cannot sleep maybe because of depression; about many things: no fulfilling job, no teammate, no friend, nobody to talk to, nowhere to go without being anxious because of stuttering and language barrier. He also stutters because of stress talking in new places and new languages. Then when he cannot sleep, he will be depressed.
If i am the perfect wife, who can make delicious cooking and entertaining guests, and good at cleaning and decorating our house alone, and have good social connections, maybe i could have invite somebody to our house. Unfortunately, i am not like that, i struggle to even keep our house manageable. Inviting guest?? Oh boy, we dont even have a sofa. And who can i invite? I also have nobody to invite. Also, i struggle in decision making, like when buying furniture, or going somewhere, picking a tuition plan, etc.
If i am the outgoing person who doesnt mind 'babysitting' him, bringing him to this and that place, then it might be better. Problem is, i too dont know where to bring him, nor i have any friend to introduce him too. We need a person who doesnt mind quiet and anxious him, and willing to bring him anywhere and stick with him. Unfortunately, who are willing to?
I am ok with being in the house for days. Housework and internet are enough for me. But not for him. He wants somebody else to talk with other than me. But he preferably doesnt want to drive especially nowadays since he is not feeling well because of the insomnia. And i am lazy to prepare myself to go out, planning a place to go that he might like (how should i know? The place he prefers is where he lived before in his homecountry, which doesnt exist nearby here), finding a friend he feels easily to talk with (whereeee), and drive (oh this is my problem. I dont like to drive, and always want him to drive).
It is all can be done actually, if i dont mind planning and managing everything. Researching, planning, contacting people, convincing him, managing the shame in case he wants to cancel, bringing him there.. Actually i can just bring him eventhough he feels reluctant, try an error.
Feels like everything is on my shoulder. When he doesnt even ask me to do. But seeing him like this makes me feel sad and guilty. I just hope he will be accustomed and happy here.. maybe because no interesting research job for him here.. and i have damn scholarship bond so i am reluctant to move to his place.. (this is another story).
I am worried about him everyday without anything efficient to help him. I cant focus on my own work. I need to settle my main work (marking papers for now) and housework first, before doing research with him.. (another story?)
Maybe because we are both beta people so nothing proceeds.. so sad. I want him to lead me, but i feel i need to guide him and everything is up to me..
Maybe i dont pray sincerely enough for years. I should strengthen my bond with God. At least, pious people always feel safe in their heart. I have nobody to help me, but i dont ask God for calmness.. how stupid am I. Always, when i seek God's help, i always feel safe afterwards. I need to seek God's help to guide me to be more calm, move forward, be more efficient, erase my hopelessness, and feel more hopeful and cheerful. With these, i can help my husband better. I know this but i am too lazy.. lol.
