I'm sure you've all seen them: the posters designed to teach spectrum kids how to recognize various emotions. There's one hanging on the wall of the therapy center where I go. Happy, Sad, Loved, Angry, Scared, Shy and so forth. I find them quite interesting because it really is hard to describe what emotions look like. So much depends on just a tiny movement of the eyes and the mouth as well as tone of voice.
But what is missing from these posters are the "negative" emotions: Hate, Deceit, Slyness, Mockery, Innuendo. And these are precisely the emotions that I think we on the spectrum have the most problem both recognizing and dealing with. WE know, even if those around us don't want to acknowledge it, that not everyone out there is our friend. Not everyone has our best interests at heart.
So many times I would come home from school and say that the other kids were making fun of me only to be told that I was misreading the situation. Well, then, tell me how to read it! You weren't there! You didn't hear, you didn't see!
I've been told that my problem was that I couldn't distinguish between friendly teasing and hostile teasing. I'm sure many of you have been told the same thing. You know what? I don't believe it, not for one minute. I think we DO know the difference between friendly teasing and hostile teasing; it's those that tell us that that are unable to tell the difference.
Now here's a situation that's been going on at work. There is a man whom I shall call "Danny" who when he sees me in the cafeteria, calls out my name in an exaggerated way, long, low, throaty and drawn out. Not, for example, "Hi, Melissa!" but "Me---liSSSSaaa." Or "Aaaameeee." He does not do this to anyone else in my hearing. This man is not a good friend of mine; we aren't long-time buddies. So what is his point? And when he does it he has a look about his eyes and mouth that is mocking-friendly, not real-friendly. I can't tell you why I know this look is not the same as the FRIENDLY face on the emotion chart, only that I know from bitter experience that it is not.
Anyway, a while back I used to take lunch with a woman who grew up in my neighborhood. It soon turned out that that was about the only thing we had in common. Then one day she stopped coming to lunch. It wasn't long before Danny noticed. He would sidle up to me and ask, "Where's Laura? I thought you two were good buddies?" I told him, "I don't know. Maybe her schedule changed. Why don't you ask her?" A few weeks would go by and he'd be at it again, "Did you two have a falling-out?" I'd tell him, "Go ask her if you're so concerned."
Well, someone might ask me, "How do you know he isn't trying to get you two to reconcile? Maybe he really is concerned." That is because that person isn't there and doesn't see what I see, the curl of his lip, the look in his eye, doesn't hear the tone of his voice. Danny is out to stir up trouble pure and simple.
Yesterday Laura was in the cafeteria for the first time in months. I said hi to her but she acted like she didn't really want me to sit with her. Which is just as well. She is another one of those kinds of people that if you are brought up not to speak evil of others you will have a hard time dealing with. Laura is like Danny, out to stir up as much trouble as she can. Before she stopped coming to the cafeteria she told me how she was going to try to get another girl (Carol) fired. She's in trouble with her own supervisor (wonder why?) and so this is how she is going to deal with it. I have a feeling that the reason Laura has been avoiding me, and why Danny has been pestering me on the subject, is that I warned Carol to watch her back. I don't know what happened but obviously Laura's ploy failed as Carol is still employed.
As I was leaving the cafeteria, Danny, his wife Judy, and Laura were all sitting together. I just kept on going. Today Danny accosted me and said in that mock-smiley voice of his, "Why didn't you sit with us yesterday?" Because I had other things I had to do, I told him.
The thing is, I really do not know how to handle these types of situations because my behavior modification training never covered any of them. My teachers and counselors never taught me how to recognize them. Why don't I confront him? Because if he denies it--if he says "what's your problem"--then what do I do? And these types are masters at that kind of manipulation. Oh, no, you're misreading the situation. Yes, that is exactly what my parents and my teachers and counselors said, too. You're misreading the situation. Maybe Danny really does want to be friends with you and just "doesn't know how." Yeah, right.
Just once, though, I'd like to say to him, "Drop the act, Danny. You and I are NOT friends and never will be because I don't trust you. And the reason I don't trust you is because of the way you act towards me. I don't know where you are coming from. So just cut it out." Instead I just keep silent and walk on by.
But what is missing from these posters are the "negative" emotions: Hate, Deceit, Slyness, Mockery, Innuendo. And these are precisely the emotions that I think we on the spectrum have the most problem both recognizing and dealing with. WE know, even if those around us don't want to acknowledge it, that not everyone out there is our friend. Not everyone has our best interests at heart.
So many times I would come home from school and say that the other kids were making fun of me only to be told that I was misreading the situation. Well, then, tell me how to read it! You weren't there! You didn't hear, you didn't see!
I've been told that my problem was that I couldn't distinguish between friendly teasing and hostile teasing. I'm sure many of you have been told the same thing. You know what? I don't believe it, not for one minute. I think we DO know the difference between friendly teasing and hostile teasing; it's those that tell us that that are unable to tell the difference.
Now here's a situation that's been going on at work. There is a man whom I shall call "Danny" who when he sees me in the cafeteria, calls out my name in an exaggerated way, long, low, throaty and drawn out. Not, for example, "Hi, Melissa!" but "Me---liSSSSaaa." Or "Aaaameeee." He does not do this to anyone else in my hearing. This man is not a good friend of mine; we aren't long-time buddies. So what is his point? And when he does it he has a look about his eyes and mouth that is mocking-friendly, not real-friendly. I can't tell you why I know this look is not the same as the FRIENDLY face on the emotion chart, only that I know from bitter experience that it is not.
Anyway, a while back I used to take lunch with a woman who grew up in my neighborhood. It soon turned out that that was about the only thing we had in common. Then one day she stopped coming to lunch. It wasn't long before Danny noticed. He would sidle up to me and ask, "Where's Laura? I thought you two were good buddies?" I told him, "I don't know. Maybe her schedule changed. Why don't you ask her?" A few weeks would go by and he'd be at it again, "Did you two have a falling-out?" I'd tell him, "Go ask her if you're so concerned."
Well, someone might ask me, "How do you know he isn't trying to get you two to reconcile? Maybe he really is concerned." That is because that person isn't there and doesn't see what I see, the curl of his lip, the look in his eye, doesn't hear the tone of his voice. Danny is out to stir up trouble pure and simple.
Yesterday Laura was in the cafeteria for the first time in months. I said hi to her but she acted like she didn't really want me to sit with her. Which is just as well. She is another one of those kinds of people that if you are brought up not to speak evil of others you will have a hard time dealing with. Laura is like Danny, out to stir up as much trouble as she can. Before she stopped coming to the cafeteria she told me how she was going to try to get another girl (Carol) fired. She's in trouble with her own supervisor (wonder why?) and so this is how she is going to deal with it. I have a feeling that the reason Laura has been avoiding me, and why Danny has been pestering me on the subject, is that I warned Carol to watch her back. I don't know what happened but obviously Laura's ploy failed as Carol is still employed.
As I was leaving the cafeteria, Danny, his wife Judy, and Laura were all sitting together. I just kept on going. Today Danny accosted me and said in that mock-smiley voice of his, "Why didn't you sit with us yesterday?" Because I had other things I had to do, I told him.
The thing is, I really do not know how to handle these types of situations because my behavior modification training never covered any of them. My teachers and counselors never taught me how to recognize them. Why don't I confront him? Because if he denies it--if he says "what's your problem"--then what do I do? And these types are masters at that kind of manipulation. Oh, no, you're misreading the situation. Yes, that is exactly what my parents and my teachers and counselors said, too. You're misreading the situation. Maybe Danny really does want to be friends with you and just "doesn't know how." Yeah, right.
Just once, though, I'd like to say to him, "Drop the act, Danny. You and I are NOT friends and never will be because I don't trust you. And the reason I don't trust you is because of the way you act towards me. I don't know where you are coming from. So just cut it out." Instead I just keep silent and walk on by.
