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  • Author Author Raggamuffin
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  • Blog entry read time Blog entry read time 5 min read
Yesterday I had a chat with the woman who I'd made/drawn a Christmas card for. It's the only one I've given in years; because its not a tradition I see much point in. All that paper, cardboard, printing inks, and trucks involved in making and distributing the cards. Then all of the trucks, vans and planes involved in posting millions of these Christmas cards all over the world - that's an environmental disaster of a tradition. And don't get me started on wrapping paper for presents...

Anyway, I digress - in the card I'd made for this woman I vibed with, I had included my phone number and a note inside. I'd been waiting over a fortnight for a reply, but never heard back.

When I arrived at the farm I saw her by the gate, normally we'd have a nice chat before I picked up our service users who work there, but she walked inside as soon as I pulled up. I asked the person I was picking up if they could ask her to come out and have a chat with me.

She told me she'd got my card the day after I'd sent it, and went on to say that she wasn't in the right headspace at the moment. With a warm smile, I said I'd only meant it as friends.

She then told me she's a recluse, which might explain why I never had a text from her. Perhaps she didn't feel comfortable texting me, maybe thinking I'd wanted to be more than just friends. Whilst she was polite, I sensed some awkwardness. Still, I'm glad I addressed it face-to-face.

I thought perhaps I'd receive a text later that day, as it's nice to make new friends with people you vibe with, but again - I heard nothing. I'll admit that it felt like a let down. Mind you, it's usually our unfulfilled expectations that bruise our ego the most.

It is what it is. I made the effort and they liked the card I had made for them. I think we'll just be acquaintances. I get it though, I'd been a recluse for a huge portion of my life. Also, working a hands on, outdoor job and guiding and looking after people with learning disabilities will be tiring. So I can also understand why she appreciates her free time to recharge and be in her own microcosm.

Working as a carer, and now as a support worker has me socialising and going out to places a lot more than I used to. I continue to value my free time, but I know that too much introversion tends to hinder rather than help.

With the gym, and actively trying to fill up my free time meeting friends; I can see why being a recluse is the easier option; as it uses less energy. Whilst I still need a fair amount of "me time", I am enjoying being more active, it does give the sensation that my free time goes by faster though

Being a recluse myself has been a bone of contention in several relationships before. They became frustrated with my lack of desire to go out lots. In some relationships I forced myself to go out more than I was comfortable with. I kept face, but that mask could only stay on for so long, before I burnt out. Then my tolerances lessened, and I succumb to anxiety and a myriad of unpleasant symptoms.

Anxiety and other mental health gremlins create a lot of issues in relationships - as it rubs off on those you're closest to. You then feel guilty for your own struggles, which creates new ones.

Whilst my anxiety has improved greatly in recent years, I do have elevated levels of anxiety in relationships; due to poor self-esteem. It's a shame really, as friends see the good in me, and call me a nice guy, or really chilled out. A girlfriend sees that side of me initially, but then that hurt, unhealed, and traumatised inner child comes out to play. In time, each person I've dated has told me that my mental health (or lack thereof) is too much for them to deal with. Ah well, at least it makes for interesting artwork.

Along with my introversion, I've been told by many people I've dated they wished we had met later in life; when they were in a position to settle down. Having always verbalised that I never wanted marriage or kids; I took them to mean they'd prefer to live their lives to the fullest with other people, and date me at a more convenient time when they were older and would prefer a slower pace of life. Much like marriage and kids - I always verbalise early on that I'm quite the introvert, and also that I've had a long journey with mental health and low self-esteem.

Still, I'm glad I'm at a place where I'm happy being single. There's been huge growth in the past few years, but I also know that I need to somehow tackle and heal the past traumas - because they can resurface pretty swiftly, and I go from being the calm, chilled out guy - to feeling like I'm living in a God damn haunted house - 2spooky4me.

I guess there's been a few moments the past few weeks which are triggering ye olde core beliefs of unseen/unworthy - so it has me reflecting. At least I realise I've come a long way with regards to self-improvement and life satisfaction.

I'm running on a lack of sleep from last night's sleepover shift. I had the gym afterwards this morning. Managed a new personal record on dead lifts and pull ups, so that made me happy.

My chest and tri's are still sore from Monday's session. It was back and biceps today - I think tomorrow my whole upper body is going to be cooked. But that's fine - on Friday it's leg day. I don't know why so many dislike leg day - I enjoy all of the exercises. Also, being a tall boy; my mooscles down there are oversized. Reminds me of an old Alan Partridge quote: "****, did you see that? He must have a foot like a traction engine." Along with my arms getting bigger, I'm noticing my legs getting bigger and more defined.

I was supposed to meet a friend after the gym. This morning they said they couldn't meet at the time/place I'd suggested. I replied offering to drive closer to them so we could still meet up. Over the next few hours I received no reply to my messages, or phone calls. I'd seen them online multiple times and still no reply.

Again - it is what it is. I'll put the effort in, but if it's not returned in kind; then that's on them. I do try to not let it get me down, or trigger my loneliness or low sense of self-worth, although it's fair to say there's been a fair few triggers recently.

I do often find I'm the one reaching out to friends to meet up, or to start conversations. I get it, we all have our lives to lead. Sometimes though, and with all due respect; I feel like saying "put some bloody effort in."

When I got home I made a giant casserole with lots of veg, lentils and other bits and bobs. Should last me the rest of the week.

Yesterday I had an email from my manager to do the 6 month probation review next week. Time flies.

I have the rest of the week off now. More art, and try and get some cardio in each day I'm not at the gym. Also got numerous appointments over the next couple of days, but the weekend should be quiet and restful at least.

Ed

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Author
Raggamuffin
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5 min read
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