Shyness and ASD

[DarkAscent]

My family members and friends have described me as very shy, and I've even been called "painfully shy" before too. In real life, if someone that I don't know approaches me and tries to initiate contact with me, I often drop my gaze to the ground and whisper or don't speak at all. My anxiety kicks in and I guess that I kind of shut down. Just creating a thread makes me feel very nervous and shy.

It's only when I'm with people that I know that my shyness seems to fade and it doesn't show as much. I can be quite loud and fluent with family members and friends and it's almost as if I'm a different person. I'm not as nervous and it's a nice feeling.

Is anyone else on here shy too? And is shyness common in people with an ASD?

 

[ExplosiveTMT]

I am a shy person myself. A few months ago, I began talking to my classmates at school, which took me years to do, after trying many different methods (not medications though; I was afraid of the side effects meds may cause, so they were a no go for me. ).

I used to not talk to people at all; now I'm at a point where, when I need something or have something to say, I will say it. So I'm a pretty quiet guy most of the time. Unless it's one my best friends or my mum, I don't really say much.

 

[SameStars]

I've been described as shy since childhood. I always need a little time to observe the interactions at play. I can be chatty and animated with people I know, but it's hard to hold a conversation down with strangers.

 

[Harrison]

This is the strangest area of my life as an aspie. I grew up incredibly shy and I believe I still am, just as I am still socially awkward in most arenas. However, I made a choice 'way back when' to make a living out of my special interest and I was suddenly thrown into the glare of being in the public eye.

I still remember the first time I was asked to do a talk, I had spent a month preparing notes, had timed the talk precisely and had modelled my information flow upon the best speakers I could find. On the day, I stood on stage and froze as I looked out at the expectant faces of people who had paid good money to listen to me waffle on. Everything I had planned to do fell away in a moment, the 'serious' mask I had prepared cracked and for two minutes (eternity) I stood there and wanted to die. I picked up the sheaf of papers and threw them into the crowd and just said 'What d'you want to know?'

In that moment something in my head redefined everything about me as a teacher for the next four decades. I never used notes, was known for giving two day lectures 'off the cuff', and became this manic extrovert that needed two more days after the talk to find himself.

None of my students would ever say I was 'shy', they would read this and think I was just winding people up. They never saw me off the stage.

I get invited to private social functions just once, I'm a one trick pony, the guy that will entertain your guests with tales of his special interests. But that is it, you can't do that twice to the same crowd. As long as it's a new audience I can play the game, otherwise, I will sit quietly and not engage despite my hosts best effort. As you can imagine, that doesn't go down well.

A conversation here yesterday made me reflect upon past relationships and I was astounded by the realisation that I have never asked someone to go out with me. Despite a list of relationships that would make a gigolo proud I never asked a single person, they asked me, which is frightening. What is worse is knowing that they were asking the 'clown' and not the shy guy.

Over the years, so many of my scripts became subroutine 'personalities' that I would boot up to match the situation, sadly, the only time I have been me is when I am alone, and that can tear you apart.

 

[legoland]

Almost like SameStars , since I was a Lil child, i try hard to talk whit strangers and play and stuffs like that.
Today is the same thing. I have to get to know the personagem better, and feel comfortable to be able to chat. Its very dificulty to me, i just cant handle it. And i feel very sad about it. I want to, but i just cant.

 

[Ylva]

I think "shy" is just a fiction that extroverted people apply to the appearance of introverted. That way, they can think it's "cute" and be condescending without having to bother with connecting with someone who is on a different frequency than themselves.

 

[apsie]

Shy isn't the right word for it, I'm with Ylva.

 

[legoland]

Its not shy, i just cant talk!!! It s**cks and i work whit a lot of situations that i need to speak to 1000, 2000 persons.. Its terrible

 

[Harrison]

For me, shyness and introversion are different. Below is a copy from a site that illustrates it better than I can, I have posted the link to the site below it.

"Contrary to what most people think, an introvert is not simply a person who is shy. In fact, being shy has little to do with being an introvert! Shyness has an element of apprehension, nervousness and anxiety, and while an introvert may also be shy, introversion itself is not shyness. Basically, an introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people.

Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind. They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings. They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy. This is true even if they have good social skills. After being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to "recharge."

When introverts want to be alone, it is not, by itself, a sign of depression. It means that they either need to regain their energy from being around people or that they simply want the time to be with their own thoughts. Being with people, even people they like and are comfortable with, can prevent them from their desire to be quietly introspective.

Being introspective, though, does not mean that an introvert never has conversations. However, those conversations are generally about ideas and concepts, not about what they consider the trivial matters of social small talk.

Introverts make up about 60% of the gifted population but only about 25-40% of the general population."

Introvert Definition and Characteristics

 

[The Penguin]

My older sister said I started being shy around age 5. I can be this way even for people that I do know including family and co workers. I cut myself off from my family as I just don't feel comfortable seeing them plus other issues that happen with them. For co workers, it might take several months until I feel comfortable around them. I can be OK with them if it work only, but if it a company social event, I don't enjoy myself with them. Most social settings, people talk about things I know nothing about. Part of it relates to I don't relate to most people common interest. Then a lot of people drinking is a huge turn off for me. It took me a long time to realized this but I learned I just don't connect well with most people which might make my shyness worse than most people.

 

[legoland]

Thank you Harrison54

 

[Naturalist]

without having to bother with connecting with someone who is on a different frequency than themselves.

Ylva, this is an insightful observation.

I am very shy, too, and have a very difficult time initiating conversations with others. I find it very difficult to talk myself into sending emails or calling people on the phone, even those I like very well and would want to talk with. There are a few people I find easy to be around; usually they are the ones I see every day. But everyone else makes me anxious.

Like Harrison54 I have something of an "alter ego" though, particularly at work. I discovered in high school that I could put on the persona of someone who is incredibly animated, and people thought it was amusing. However, that is very exhausting, but I employ it in my teaching and at the occasional, unavoidable social function. It is partly based on my mum's personality because she is very extroverted.

I adopted that habit partly out of necessity. For most of my childhood, my mother and teachers pestered me to be more engaged and outgoing. They felt that my shyness was something like a bad habit that I needed to purge myself of, rather than an intrinsic part of my personality. I remember my mother screaming at me from the foot of the stairs: "come down here and spend some time with your family RIGHT NOW!!!" (Cringe) I finally realised that, ironically, the only way to get them to leave me alone was to pretend to be sociable! So it has been a defense mechanism and though it has helped me to get my current job, lately it doesn't feel very sustainable. I have been going through shutdowns a lot, because I don't always get a chance to recover before the "next act" is required. I have been trying to give myself permission lately to indulge my shyness a little more, also because acting feels like lying to a degree and I have never been comfortable with that. I have noticed a better self-esteem since I reverted to a more reserved approach.

I recently read "Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking" by Susan Cain, and I did find much of it to be relatable. Also, it was good to read something which explored positive aspects of being shy.

 

[Suiseiseki]

I used to be shy and still can be quite shy but can socialize and talk quite a lot and generally enjoy it, but just suck pretty bad at it

 

[pushpin]

Yes, my mother has been telling me for as long as I can remember that it's something I will grow out of. Ha, I'm 27 now.

What you described, the shut down, I used to experience it quite heavily for most of my life. I was basically mute in most social situations in high school and most certainly got very bullied for it. Even as an infant, I would allow only two people to hold me (my mom and my uncle, this uncle is still one of my most favorite people in the world) or I would scream-cry.

Now, I no longer shut down, unless I'm at a big party with too many people and too many things going on. Now, I just become incredibly less articulate, and it is as if my brain turns off and had very little to no thought.

But yes, I'm still quite shy. I watch my peers interact easily even if they only just met, and I just focus on a book or an app on my phone as I've learned not to bother anymore. Edit to add: I'm often rarely that interested in talking to them, that must be said. Any friendship for me results from repeated exposure.

 

[pushpin]

I think "shy" is just a fiction that extroverted people apply to the appearance of introverted. That way, they can think it's "cute" and be condescending without having to bother with connecting with someone who is on a different frequency than themselves.

This is very well put. I'm glad you wrote this. It reminds me of something I read about how in Japanese culture, what is perceived as shyness by the more extroverted western cultures, is perceived as a positive attribute, even as a sign of intelligence.

 

[Harrison]

This is very well put. I'm glad you wrote this. It reminds me of something I read about how in Japanese culture, what is perceived as shyness by the more extroverted western cultures, is perceived as a positive attribute, even as a sign of intelligence.

Reminds me of a quote along the lines 'When your mouth is moving, your ears are closed'.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I recently read "Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking" by Susan Cain, and I did find much of it to be relatable. Also, it was good to read something which explored positive aspects of being shy.

That's a really good book. I'm currently reading Introvert Power by Laurie Helgoe...another validating, insightful exploration of what it's like to be an introvert.

I tend to be more "shy" with people I know fairly well but for some reason I'm uncomfortable. Even though I really want to connect with them, I can't seem to get out past the fear of it.

With strangers, especially in situations where there's an expectation for me to behave a particular way, I can put on a pretty convincing mask. I enjoy public speaking when I get the chance, for example, but that's because I'm playing a role. And it does wear me down after a while.

There are a few people, especially if I'm in the right mood, that I can relax and be real with them while still being open. But not many, and sometimes I end up feeling more alone and isolated afterwards. As I lower my expectations, though, and slowly come to accept this is just who I am and it's not some cosmic failure that I'm not a natural extrovert who can flow easily with people...I'm learning to accept the nature of the connections I do make, even if I'm nervous and say stupid things and don't get much out of it in the moment.

 

[On the Inside]

Thanks, not much to add, you've all covered it quite well. I think it is common for those of us on the spectrum.

And thanks for bringing up the "Quiet" book by Susan Cain and the other books, I heard her speak on the radio once, but I was way up on scaffolding at the time and couldn't write it down.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

A conversation here yesterday made me reflect upon past relationships and I was astounded by the realisation that I have never asked someone to go out with me. Despite a list of relationships that would make a gigolo proud I never asked a single person, they asked me, which is frightening. What is worse is knowing that they were asking the 'clown' and not the shy guy.

Must be that charisma. Something tells me you are actually flirting but you just don't know it. Does one of your eyes seem to "twitch" a lot?

I think men believe that shyness is not good and they should be more outgoing, but I think shyness is more attractive. (If you can get passed the first step of meeting someone)

 

[Harrison]

Must be that charisma. Something tells me you are actually flirting but you just don't know it. Does one of your eyes seem to "twitch" a lot?

I think men believe that shyness is not good and they should be more outgoing, but I think shyness is more attractive. (If you can get passed the first step of meeting someone)

I do get a nervous tic in my eye and I've been told I'm an outrageous flirt. So you have me nailed

(If I do flirt I don't know about it. Must be off my awareness)