Do people think mistake your traits for rudeness?

[Geoo98]

I'm really tired of being called rude and selfish for things I do unconsciously because I really do try to be a good person.
I try to talk to my dad about stuff that's bothering me (e.g: being put in a new physics class in college, because the teacher isn't engaging and I'm not learning anything), so he tries to offer solutions. The problem is that the solutions he offers don't seem to me like they'll work so I give him reasons why I can't do them (e.g like talking to the teacher about it because I feel asking her to change her teaching style solely for me is pretty rude). He then shouts at me for always shooting him down, but I just can't say 'yeah I'll try that' if I know it won't work because that's just illogical when I'm trying to look for an actual solution to the problem.

I also get called selfish because apparently I only do things for myself (even though I do stuff for people if they ask me to). I just don't think of physical things to do for other people but I didn't think that would make me selfish. I always defend other people when they're spoke about and always consider others' feelings so I thought that would mean I wasn't selfish.
I'm also apparently 'emotionless', I really don't know where this assumption came from but it ****ing sucks. Whenever I'm feeling really down I get told off for 'being in a mood and taking it out on my dad' when literally all I do is sit quietly keeping myself to myself and not really responding much to people.

 

[StopRambling]

It sounds like your dad is narcissistic, or at the very least projecting his own traits unto you. He soinds like the selfish one.

I get that a lot too though, where people offer me solutions that logically don't hold up, and they get pissy at me for "shooting them down". I'm like, tell me something that's actually useful and I won't "shoot you down".

I don't think those things you mentioned are rude at all. I also think that your dad is being fairly closed minded by thinking that the only way to show care is by doing things for others.
And isolation is a common symptom of depression. He's misinterpreting it as the cold shoulder act. It's not all about him, he really needs to realize that.

 

[DC1346]

I'm really tired of being called rude and selfish for things I do unconsciously because I really do try to be a good person.

My name is David and I am now into my 26th year of employment as a certified teacher.

I read your profile and noted that you are self diagnosed. The profile did not indicate where you live. If you're living in the United States, have you ever considered getting your diagnosis confirmed by your school? The reason I ask is because under the Individuals with Disabilities Education Improvement Act (IDEA), special education students have certain rights. Included among these rights is an evaluation that is cost free to you and your family. A multi-factored evaluation (MFE) will determine your eligibility for special education services and would be the first step towards being able to receive these services.

Why would you want services?

You indicated in your profile that you're struggling in your physics class. As a regular education student you could ask your teacher for assistance because in theory, all teachers are supposed to teach using a variety of techniques so as to appeal to multiple intelligences or different learning styles. In reality, some teachers fall into a rut and only teach a certain way because that's the style they're most comfortable with. Although it would be nice if a teacher were to vary his/her instructional methodology per student request and although most school administrators would most likely encourage this teacher to accede to your request, the reality is that he/she doesn't have to. So long as the teacher can demonstrate that he/she is teaching to your state's instructional standards, there is no legal requirement for your teacher to have to modify his/her instruction.

There is ONE exception.

If you were a special education student, one of your benefits would be an IEP - individualized educational plan. Under IDEA all teachers are REQUIRED to provide reasonable accommodation which could include (as spelled out in your IEP) use of a different instructional technique, modified assignments, extra time to complete assignments, peer tutoring etc.

Under Federal law, which is what IDEA is, teachers are required to follow the provisions of a student's IEP.

So ... if you're having problems in school, you should go to your school counselor and request screening for special education services. Be specific. Tell your counselor about your self diagnosis and the problems you've been having. Request a multi-factored evaluation as the first step towards receiving special ed services.

 

[ChrisC1983]

24/7... either i'm "normal and nice" because i don't say anything and constantly have a fake smirk but faking your way through life isn't a good way to live.. trust me, i've been doing it for over 20 years. any time i say anything of meaning, it's often considered rude

i don't "sugar coat" things.... i don't like to and i'm really not good at it. so anything i say with meaning comes out very straight forward and blunt.... even if it's an overall "nice" thing to say, it still has a misunderstood tone since i don't say it in a typical "nice" way and i do still have the monotone voice habit. and anything that wouldn't be considered "nice"..... for example, any opinion they don't agree with or a truth they don't want to hear... is "rude". and since i dont like idle chit chat crap.. i either don't say anything, or i'm "rude"

being "realistic" can also be seen as rude..... basically, you have the happy bubbly people who are so far beyond "the glass is half full" they're throwing parties because there is anything in that cup. or the pessimistic people who say the cup is probably full of poison and such. realistic.. to me.. is "the cup is half full.... maybe i want some, maybe i dont. what's in it?"

 

[Geoo98]

@DC1364 I live in the UK but I'm assuming it will be similar over here I'm currently going through the process of trying to get an official diagnosis (I have my first appointment this Thursday). I've informed my college of what's going on, and I emailed my head of hall yesterday asking if I can switch teachers so hopefully something will be done.

 

[DC1346]

@DC1364 I live in the UK but I'm assuming it will be similar over here

Sadly our education systems are quite different.

I googled and found that UK schools, colleges and universities are legally required not to discriminate against disabled students, and not to treat them less favorably than students without a disability.

Under the Equality Act 2010, all universities and colleges also have a duty to make reasonable adjustments to their services, so disabled students are not placed at a substantial disadvantage. These laws apply to international students as well as to students who are UK citizens. Instead of IDEA, your rights are protected under the Equality Act of 2010 and the United nations Convention on disability rights help to enforce, protect and promote these rights.

As with the United States though, your access to these rights will be dependent upon a formal diagnosis ... so I'm glad you've made an appointment.

Unlike the United States, your rights will also be covered if you decide to go to college. In the U.S. the legal protection afforded by IDEA ends when students graduate. It's really quite sad because throughout their participation in the public schools ... what you Brits would call state schools, our students have all sorts of legal rights and protections. Once they graduate, it's like throwing baby seals into shark infested waters. These kids go off to college and there's NO SUPPORT. There are no life coaches or mentors or special education teachers ... these kids get tossed into the water and some get over stressed and simply can't make it on their own because it's too much, too soon. We really need to do a better job at transitioning these students so they may lead independent lives whilst also maintaining a decent grade point average.

 

[Ylva]

Maybe your dad is simply a misogynist?
Mine is. It's easier to deal with once acknowledged.

It could also be the reverse Halo Effect, which is to say that when someone sees something they don't like about you, they'll start attributing other qualities they don't like to you completely without evidence.

It may be time to conclude that he just gives lousy advice.

 

[Rocco]

Do people mistake my traits for rudeness?
All the time.
Even by family members who know I am on spectrum. Always the struggle.

 

[Astral]

I definitely get that a lot. Especially at work, because I tend to be very blunt and forthright about when something isn't working. It's recently gotten me the ire of my management, and I'm looking for a new job as a result, but I'm not the only one seeing how things are failing harder and harder as we move forward.

 

[Myway]

I definitely get that a lot. Especially at work, because I tend to be very blunt and forthright about when something isn't working. It's recently gotten me the ire of my management, and I'm looking for a new job as a result, but I'm not the only one seeing how things are failing harder and harder as we move forward.

Same here. It seems like all the time someone says something along the lines of me coming across as rude. I just pack up myself and leave. Nothing worth hanging around for if they are saying that. I have switched jobs twice now because of people making comments like that.

 

[Aspieistj]

I am often able to understand why I have been considered rude in my behavior. I really do not want to irritate other people. I do, most of the time after being told I did something rude, understand why NTs found me to be rude. I know I am different and I often react in a way that doesn't please NTs. With a huge effort and tons of practice, I sometimes can learn how to behave among NTs so that I don't make them feel I am being rude. One example I often give is that I absolutely hate to be touched. When I was a student nurse I had to be coached in how to comfort family members after their loved ones died. I would want to be alone and have no one try to make me feel better with a hug. However, when I dealt with the NT's loss of a loved one I actually learned that I SHOULD put my arm around them, pat a shoulder, and stay with them if my other patients didn't absolutely need me. The problem for us is that we are expected to do all the adjusting to conformity. I get really angry when I think that a person with Down Syndrome isn't expected to "get smart" to please society, but Aspies are expected to learn how to fake being normal. I believe some time in the not too distant future that NTs will be exposed to enough public service information that they will tolerate that Aspies struggle trying not to be irritating. If I could go back 71 years and be allowed my disability, I would choose one that was plainly visible. Being an Aspie is just too damn hard!

 

[watersprite]

Yes, I say things that to me seem innocuous, and/or interesting, but apparently are not, and are heard as rude or that hurt the feelings of others. I guess this has contributed to me staying away from people for the most part. I would like to not be this way, and I have learned some things not to say, over the years. But when I relax a little around people, I revert to speaking less than gracefully.

 

[wanderer03]

I've been there before. I've been told my behavior is rude and I was unaware and even puzzled. The NT world can be rather cruel art times.

 

[StephF]

Yes, sometimes.

 

[Progster]

I don't get a lot of feedback from people as to what they think of me, but I think that people find me blunt, a bit too honest for their liking and at times rather outspoken. I don't talk much or show much emotion or affection, nor do I talk much, so I think that people find me distant and aloof rather than rude... idk.

 

[clg114]

Do people mistake my traits for rudeness? Maybe, I am not sure, it is not something that I worry about. I do not say much around most people because most people do not understand or are not interested in what I have to say. On the job I get asked "What was wrong?" or "What did you do to fix it?". When I explain, it is usually met with a blank stare and uneasiness. I am left wondering why they asked if they did not what to know. I get the feeling that they do not see me as rude, just weird. I think it is just all part of being different.

 

[SenorDomino]

I was told once that a neighbour found me intimidating and thought I was angry because I didn't greet them when I passed them on the street. There are other times when someone's tried to greet me and I haven't realized until later because I don't see any reason why someone would want to talk to me, so I assumed it was someone else they were approaching. I must have come across as pretty rude then.

I also remember one episode in particular from my childhood, where I arrived at school and was called selfish by a teacher because I had not picked up on that there was going to be a bake sale for charity that day and hadn't brought any money.

 

[Ylva]

I was told once that a neighbour found me intimidating and thought I was angry because I didn't greet them when I passed them on the street.

Someone was intimidated because you ignored them? By those standards I should be scared to death of nearly all my neighbours.

 

[SenorDomino]

Someone was intimidated because you ignored them? By those standards I should be scared to death of nearly all my neighbours.

Well I guess they may have tried to greet me or something and thought I looked in a bad mood, I dunno. I was only told so by another neighbour who had talked to them.

 

[SameStars]

My neighbours also thought I was rude, or at least that I disliked them, because I never greeted them. It never crossed my mind that I should, until they told my mother and she made a remark about it. One older neighbour was really insulted that I didn't recognize her during a get-together. Now I'm making an effort.

My honesty can come across as rude, because if someone asked my opinion about something (did you like my clothes/show/art?), I would give it even if it was negative. Now I try to give really vague answers that have a positive spin.