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Do aspies need sex?
- Thread starter tapian
- Start date
Cyanide Lollipop
Well-Known Member
This one does. 
Some Aspies don't need sex much or even at all. Some have other issues that make intimacy rather difficult, e.g. severe tactile issues, and there are others with a high sex drive. As for getting his fix and leaving, it is typical Aspie behaviour to be self-focused and not consider the needs of others. This is possibly the issue with your BF. They may be considerate in common social situations because repeated experience has taught them that, but if they don't have much sexual experience then their sexual etiquette will be somewhat lacking. I suggest that you make him aware that you have needs too because it may not have occurred to him at all. It's not uncommon for Aspies, especially men, to be very sexually inexperienced and older than a lot of other people when they have sex for the first time. If previous sexual encounters were bad (from his partner's point of view) then they may have just dumped him without any explanation. Then again, I know some AS men who need instructions to please their partner every time they have sex! Aspies also have a need to spend some time alone because interacting with other people can be quite exhausting. Since sex is quite an intense emotional interaction, your BF may feel the need to be alone soon afterwards.
If you enjoy reading, there is a very good book that I recommend called Love, Sex and Long-Term Relationships: What People with Asperger Syndrome Really Really Want by Sarah Hendrickx. It certainly helped me to make sense of some of the weird sexual behaviour I've encountered in some partners, especially when they aren't inclined to discuss the topic much.
Some Aspies don't need sex much or even at all. Some have other issues that make intimacy rather difficult, e.g. severe tactile issues, and there are others with a high sex drive. As for getting his fix and leaving, it is typical Aspie behaviour to be self-focused and not consider the needs of others. This is possibly the issue with your BF. They may be considerate in common social situations because repeated experience has taught them that, but if they don't have much sexual experience then their sexual etiquette will be somewhat lacking. I suggest that you make him aware that you have needs too because it may not have occurred to him at all. It's not uncommon for Aspies, especially men, to be very sexually inexperienced and older than a lot of other people when they have sex for the first time. If previous sexual encounters were bad (from his partner's point of view) then they may have just dumped him without any explanation. Then again, I know some AS men who need instructions to please their partner every time they have sex! Aspies also have a need to spend some time alone because interacting with other people can be quite exhausting. Since sex is quite an intense emotional interaction, your BF may feel the need to be alone soon afterwards.
If you enjoy reading, there is a very good book that I recommend called Love, Sex and Long-Term Relationships: What People with Asperger Syndrome Really Really Want by Sarah Hendrickx. It certainly helped me to make sense of some of the weird sexual behaviour I've encountered in some partners, especially when they aren't inclined to discuss the topic much.
Hi Cyadine thanks for the feedback. First of all are you male or female and are you very sexually driven? My issue is that even after I have repeatedly told him even in tears about the subject he never remembers for more than a week and I feel like when he wants sex its rare mechanical and fake. Like not completely fake but I feel like I am with a robot sometimes. He smiles at me with this creepy stare at the worst possible times....we have woke up together and all he cares about is getting breakfast....never wants intimacy more than once in the same night. As I said I feel like a drug. I will have to check out that book. Dont have alot of time on my hands for reading but might be worth making some time for....thanks again
Cyanide Lollipop
Well-Known Member
I'm female and I have a high sex drive. My ex-husband is an undiagnosed Aspie. His second ex-wife (I was the first) says that he needed the same instructions every time during sex to pleasure her. I find it easier than her to achieve orgasm so his limited repertoire and self-focus wasn't so frustrating for me. I must admit I'm at a crossroads at the moment. Since realising that my ex-husband and I are both undiagnosed Aspies, I have also realised that a recent partner is also Aspie, and other partners that I have connected most strongly with exhibited numerous Aspie traits and probably are as well. Alas, the best sex I've had is with NT partners. A regular sex life is important to me and now I really don't know who to focus on when choosing a partner, Aspie or NT. If my sex life with an Aspie is going to be non-existent or very frustrating for me then we may as well just be friends. Sex with my last partner was a nightmare and I hope never to repeat that again. There are Aspie men who do have successful intimate relationships though. Perhaps you could attend counselling together and if that doesn't work then you need to determine what you can and cannot tolerate in your relationship.
Just like NTs, some do, some don't. Some need just a little, some desire a lot. IT varies wildly. A good friend of mine is about to turn 21 and, except for a few encounters we have had, is perfectly happy being celibate and having been virtually celibate all her life, but is not opposed to losing her virginity either. I do not NEED constant sex, but it does seem to do me good mentally. I'm very open and honest about my sexual preferences and needs with anyone who gets involved with me on a physical or physical/emotional level, and thus I tend to attract similar people. The longest I've ever gone without being in a sexual relationship (not an emotional one) has been six months, and that was due to a depression that stopped my interest in almost everything.
You've come to us with this issue before. The most you can do is talk to him, try to work through it, and if you can't, and it really is that big of an issue for you, you might want to consider leaving him. People will say all sorts of nonsense about how sex shouldn't be that important, blah, blah, blah... they're full of ****, quite honestly. If it is an important part of a relationship for you, you will NEVER be happy in a sexually unsatisfying relationship. End of story, case closed.
You've come to us with this issue before. The most you can do is talk to him, try to work through it, and if you can't, and it really is that big of an issue for you, you might want to consider leaving him. People will say all sorts of nonsense about how sex shouldn't be that important, blah, blah, blah... they're full of ****, quite honestly. If it is an important part of a relationship for you, you will NEVER be happy in a sexually unsatisfying relationship. End of story, case closed.
He sounds like he has Aspergers. Yes, those are all classic signs. It would take him realizing that there is another way of looking at the encounter between you two (your way), and then learning what you want as well, and REMEMBERING to do it, etc. This is difficult and not something that most marriages survive.
I am a a male. I have a very high sex drive. I however, have to be with someone I have feelings for, or I have none. I am also OK with not being in that type of relationship for as long as need be. It goes away until such a relationship comes along.
This may not be the relationship for you, or for him. Either way, good luck.
I am a a male. I have a very high sex drive. I however, have to be with someone I have feelings for, or I have none. I am also OK with not being in that type of relationship for as long as need be. It goes away until such a relationship comes along.
This may not be the relationship for you, or for him. Either way, good luck.
Ste11aeres
Well-Known Member
I don't think anyone, NT or Aspie needs sex. Most people just want it. Sorry to nitpick about terminology.
I don't mean to sound disrespectful about people's desires. That's not my intent.
I don't mean to sound disrespectful about people's desires. That's not my intent.
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Ste11aeres, every human needs sex, it is a biological imperative hardwired into our genetic structure that dictates the continuation of the species...
But, that isn't what is meant by the question of "Do Aspies need sex?"
So, if it helps, in this instance it is likely meant that ruling out physical disability, chemical castration, actual castration and/or other mental impairments:
Are people with Aspergers less likely to follow their primal urge to procreate in favour of abstinence and doing other things with their time.
But, that isn't what is meant by the question of "Do Aspies need sex?"
So, if it helps, in this instance it is likely meant that ruling out physical disability, chemical castration, actual castration and/or other mental impairments:
Are people with Aspergers less likely to follow their primal urge to procreate in favour of abstinence and doing other things with their time.
Sparticus
Jewish man kissing a Catholic woman....
Sounds like he has a low sex drive. Might be time for you and him to have a little discussion. The last woman who said my sex driver was too high [my ex-wife] I simply cooked her up till she was of the temperature I could kiss her... and uhm... do other things to her! 
Bottomline couples either have the same sex drive or they don't. But maybe you need to talk to him about this. Good luck!
Bottomline couples either have the same sex drive or they don't. But maybe you need to talk to him about this. Good luck! Hey everyone thanks for the feedback. Some very good points. Cyanide, would you agree that your NT encounters have been more enjoyable because they have been less mechanical? You mentioned that your NT sex life has been better than with AS. Howso? DCW, you are right about asking myself what I can and cannot tolerate. And yes I have been on here before with this same problem. I am willing to tolerate it, just trying to figure out how to make it easier. Peace, what did you mean by it goes away? you are saying you dont necessarily need sex in a relationship and can wait as long as need be? Ste11ares, sex is a need to some. Not all, but you can't say that NOBODY needs it. Would anyone die if they didn't get it? No. But for most it is a very necessary part of a successful relationship. I like how Gomendosi put it lol. Sparticus, are you AS or NT? And the problem with us is he isnt willing to "cook me up" as you put it. It's always cut right to the chase. Like he just wants to get it overwith. Anyone willing to chat with me I have Skype or Aim
Well tapian,
If I am not with someone that I have feelings for, I do not have it with anyone and am not craving it. If however, I am in a relationship with someone special, I think about it and want it a lot, Yeah! I work with my partner to find a comfort level for both of us, but cannot be in a sexless relationship. It is like, once I find that girl, "It" gets turned on.
That being said, perhaps you should ask yourself this, What outcome do you hope for? It sounds like you want to stay with this guy but want more intimacy from him. If this is your goal, then next decide what you can do to best get there. I think that perhaps simply talking to him (and give him notice first as serious surprise conversations are stressful and less likely to be successful) might be a good start. If he is Aspie, then he should recognize a logical point of view. I think it is important to know that he probably does not recognize your perception of the situation, and thinks he is doing what you want. He may not even want sex or maybe he wants more but does not know what to do.
I am wondering if this is just about the sexual satisfaction, or the quality or quantity of time together. Do you feel like you spend enough time together? Does he satisfy your other needs? Do you feel like he loves you but just does not satisfy sexually? Is it the sex, the romance, or both?
There is much to be considered for sure, but find your goal, and work purposefully and peacefully toward it and the truth will become clear to you.
If I am not with someone that I have feelings for, I do not have it with anyone and am not craving it. If however, I am in a relationship with someone special, I think about it and want it a lot, Yeah! I work with my partner to find a comfort level for both of us, but cannot be in a sexless relationship. It is like, once I find that girl, "It" gets turned on.
That being said, perhaps you should ask yourself this, What outcome do you hope for? It sounds like you want to stay with this guy but want more intimacy from him. If this is your goal, then next decide what you can do to best get there. I think that perhaps simply talking to him (and give him notice first as serious surprise conversations are stressful and less likely to be successful) might be a good start. If he is Aspie, then he should recognize a logical point of view. I think it is important to know that he probably does not recognize your perception of the situation, and thinks he is doing what you want. He may not even want sex or maybe he wants more but does not know what to do.
I am wondering if this is just about the sexual satisfaction, or the quality or quantity of time together. Do you feel like you spend enough time together? Does he satisfy your other needs? Do you feel like he loves you but just does not satisfy sexually? Is it the sex, the romance, or both?
There is much to be considered for sure, but find your goal, and work purposefully and peacefully toward it and the truth will become clear to you.
Cyanide Lollipop
Well-Known Member
Because my NT partners have cared about whether or not I enjoy sex too. All my AS partners have thought about is themselves. The AS guys have had little experience and it is obvious that most of what they learned came from watching porn. Most porn is made by men, for men. That's the kind they have been watching. There are plenty of articles on websites containing different ideas to mix it up and make it more interesting for one's partner. There are articles on what each gender frequently likes. But I doubt these guys have checked them out because they are so self-focused. They haven't bothered asking me what I like either. I ask them what they like and do what they like to them, but that doesn't seem to prompt them to return the favour either.
Ste11aeres
Well-Known Member
I didn't mean to deny that. Maybe it is a touch of Aspie literalness. I sometimes take the word "need" very literally, as if it means "you will die without it." Food, for instance.
On the other hand, I can say "I need a shower" (no impending death there) so I do know that need has different levels.
Maybe I have a kneejerk reaction to the term because I have heard stories about horrible things like rape/molestation where the perpetrator justified his action by saying he needed[/I] it... But I know that type of action is not what's mean here.
Sparticus
Jewish man kissing a Catholic woman....
Yes I am an Aspie. Ok I understand what you are saying now. Having been an athlete helped me meet women. My first real girlfriend [the fun down to Earth caring personality every man dreams of ] & I lived together [her mother moved to Florida.] I was curious about women [it became an obsession] and wanted to find out how to please one.
The next long term girlfriend [spoiled but I was an idiot self-ish boyfriend] we dated for some time & she had model good looks. I went to live in Europe for a Summer [I asked her if she wanted to go.]
The night I got home from Europe [the best time of my life] she broke up with me. I was hurt for a long time [even though I deserved it.]
There was a 2 year famine...[the noise of crickets in the background...] Then I had short term hook ups & then a long term girlfriend [it was college & I gained 25lbs of muscle via lifting weights.] The next woman [fantastic intelligent woman] I lived with worked in the social services field [she had a BA in psychology.] She got me an easy to read book about not being self-ish. By that time I was more experienced per love making & read some books including Shere Hite's "Female Sexuality." Per the books, I asked for feedback.
But it was really in the wrassling! [making love] that I learned. And in the gentle patience of the women I was with. Maybe talking to your boyfriend about getting him a book on sex would help? Anyhoo when I met my ex-wife, she was the first woman to emphasize that I was good looking. Since I was shy with low self esteem, I never thought I was good looking.
The next woman I met [amazing heart, soul & personality, the epitome of a great human being] wasn't at ease as much as othe women per making love. At first I wasn't aware she needed more foreplay & a slower approach. After awhile I changed love making to include more foreplay, I went slower, was more gentle, patient and oriented to her needs. Then a magical thing happened and sex for me changed completely.
It became an art form, like painting on a canvas. At times, foreplay can be sweet torture. No more worries & I stopped stressing out about my performance. Plus it became more fun to help her. She called me a magical lover. I thought it was because I liked to give her a shoulder/back massage. But she explained how different I was from the men she had been with. Not every Aspie Male is bad in bed.
Good luck!
The next long term girlfriend [spoiled but I was an idiot self-ish boyfriend] we dated for some time & she had model good looks. I went to live in Europe for a Summer [I asked her if she wanted to go.]
The night I got home from Europe [the best time of my life] she broke up with me. I was hurt for a long time [even though I deserved it.]
There was a 2 year famine...[the noise of crickets in the background...] Then I had short term hook ups & then a long term girlfriend [it was college & I gained 25lbs of muscle via lifting weights.] The next woman [fantastic intelligent woman] I lived with worked in the social services field [she had a BA in psychology.] She got me an easy to read book about not being self-ish. By that time I was more experienced per love making & read some books including Shere Hite's "Female Sexuality." Per the books, I asked for feedback.
But it was really in the wrassling! [making love] that I learned. And in the gentle patience of the women I was with. Maybe talking to your boyfriend about getting him a book on sex would help? Anyhoo when I met my ex-wife, she was the first woman to emphasize that I was good looking. Since I was shy with low self esteem, I never thought I was good looking.
The next woman I met [amazing heart, soul & personality, the epitome of a great human being] wasn't at ease as much as othe women per making love. At first I wasn't aware she needed more foreplay & a slower approach. After awhile I changed love making to include more foreplay, I went slower, was more gentle, patient and oriented to her needs. Then a magical thing happened and sex for me changed completely.
It became an art form, like painting on a canvas. At times, foreplay can be sweet torture. No more worries & I stopped stressing out about my performance. Plus it became more fun to help her. She called me a magical lover. I thought it was because I liked to give her a shoulder/back massage. But she explained how different I was from the men she had been with. Not every Aspie Male is bad in bed.
Good luck!
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From my experience, the answer is a resounding "yes." From the time I started puberty at about twelve (I'm 22 now,) I have had an above-average sex drive. However, I have almost always had bad luck in regards to dating, relationships, and sex. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 21 with my girlfriend at the time. Very likely, the only reason we first had sex was because she was obviously mentally ill, which included pathological neediness, and also because we were both intoxicated at the time and had our inhibitions lowered as a result. I have had sex with seven other women. However, only one of the others was worthwhile, as we had gone on three dates, and I was charming enough for her by the end of the third to want to have sex with me. Three of the other women were prostitutes (which I felt emotionally awful about afterwards,) and the other three were at a swinger party that I managed to locate (also not particularly pleasing.) While I have sexual needs, my social awkwardness make me incapable of landing one-night stands, as I do not have the "look" or personality needed to acquire them. In regards to dating, it is generally very rare that I manage to land a second date, often because my personality comes off too strong and I seem to want to get too "physical" when all they want at most is to "cuddle" and "spoon." My inability to land one-night stands and to land enough dates with women before they feel comfortable having sex with me has started to affect me psychologically and has raised my anxiety levels. I fear that there are no suitable woman out there for me who will reciprocate any emotional and/or sexual desires that I may have, and I don't have enough money to afford prostitutes and swinger parties. I feel like I am doomed. Any advice would be appreciated.
Obviously others do.
Personally I could take or leave it, leaning toward leave it. It's a chore, not terribly interesting in terms of physical sensation, and unengaging mentally.
Granted, I've only done it once, and the other opportunities I've had since then I wasn't even close to interested. I would rather watch TV or work on projects, something that at least minimally uses my brain. If I were dead bored and the power was out, and my phone and car were dead... maybe.
Personally I could take or leave it, leaning toward leave it. It's a chore, not terribly interesting in terms of physical sensation, and unengaging mentally.
Granted, I've only done it once, and the other opportunities I've had since then I wasn't even close to interested. I would rather watch TV or work on projects, something that at least minimally uses my brain. If I were dead bored and the power was out, and my phone and car were dead... maybe.
Glad I could help (sorta... lol)
I am actually really surprised so many actually seem to have normal or high sex drives. I guess that is something even more particular about me.
I am actually really surprised so many actually seem to have normal or high sex drives. I guess that is something even more particular about me.
Yes, I need sex… but I can do it myself. With people, you have to be social, tuned in to how they feel, not concerned with your own enjoyment. That's my experience, and that's what I've come to expect; therefore, I no longer seek out sexual partners.
With one exception, and that one lead me to conclude that I prefer selfish lovers, who are reasonable enough to let me be as well.
Too much information, I know…
With one exception, and that one lead me to conclude that I prefer selfish lovers, who are reasonable enough to let me be as well.
Too much information, I know…
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