Joanna319

I was diagnosed only a few years ago, living for 50 odd years not knowing why I was so different and why I struggled with things other people did without thinking.

I studied psychology at uni, primarily to try understand myself and to learn the key to how others think and behave so I could act as if I belonged. A lifetime of hard work masking & trying to learn the social skills I lacked only got me so far, losing all my family and friend after friend for reasons I never understood.

Several years ago a final attempt to build relationships failed again, broke my heart and made me realise I’m just meant to be alone, so have been isolated and mostly housebound ever since.

The diagnosis put everything into place, all my ‘quirks’, obsessions and sensory sensitivity, in fact it made me so upset that the childhood traits I was clearly showing were never recognised.

I even had a child psychologist as a teen, who put me into a group to learn basic stuff like how to enter a room of people, what to do and what to say. It was excruciating, since I had a phobia of opening closed doors to go into a room when I couldn’t see what was there (I still do), and had no idea how to feel comfortable with forcing a conversation.

I was just labelled ‘the bad kid’ for not being able to bear the sound of people eating and refusing to sit and eat with family, and the structure and routines I tried to build for myself to feel safe. Such a waste, lost time in confusion, exclusion and fear.

I understand myself better now in the context of the diagnosis, but together with the Pathalogical Demand Avoidance, so very sad how badly it has impacted my whole life to the point of losing everything.