Hi all, my son was diagnosed with high functioning autism/aspergers at 17. We recognized social anxiety in him fairly young, but not autism. Once he became a teen and entered high school, which coincided with the return to school post-covid, his social struggles really got more extreme. He separated from the friend group he'd had and has been pretty solitary in high school ever since. We have tried therapy with a few different therapists and medication for anxiety, but for the most part, things are the same. He's most content listening to music and playing video games, and has online friends that he's talks and laughs with. He's very bright and a good student. He'll be graduating this year and does not know what he wants to do post graduation. He has never been able to talk about his emotions, and when he was young if I could tell something was wrong, I'd give him multiple choice answers to try and get to the bottom of it. Aside from that, when he was young, he would connect, engage and interact easily with family and friends. In new situations or around people he was uncomfortable with, he'd be very quiet. I desperately want that easy connection with him again. Nowadays, he'll play a game with me or go on a hike, if I ask him questions he'll answer them with as few words as possible. It feels like he's there but faraway. It's hard now for me to tell what is due to anxiety and what is due to autism. I just want for him to be happy, to know he's loved and valued, and to feel like he belongs. He's so bright, caring, creative and so funny, he has so much share with those around him, but mostly doesn't. How do I support him and help him get to a place where he can live a happy and fulfilled life?
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Mom looking for guidance
- Thread starter jt23_24
- Start date
He’s fortunate to have a parent who loves him for who he is!
I don’t have kids, but I think I may have been one once. However, my husband is a high-school teacher, mostly teaching the older kids (14-18).
Firstly, your son he may be autistic but he’s still a 17-year-old lad. As a group, they’re not known for their eloquence or desire to express their innermost thoughts to their parents. Neither are they the demographic most associated with detailed life plans. I think it’s fairly common that the cute boy who would tell you everything turns into an adolescent who communicates mostly in grunts - through a closed door.
If the lack of an “easy connection” is due to him being a 17-year-old lad, he’ll probably grow out of it.
However, that said…
Being autistic, whether you have social anxiety on top of it or not, comes with social difficulties. These difficulties often do not disappear “with practice”. Or at least, I’m in my forties and I’m still waiting.
For me, I think of being autistic and having to interact with neurotypicals as like being an anthropologist studying a lost tribe of cannibals. They have a lot of complex social rituals which they never explain (and may not even understand themselves), but you have to get everything right or you will end up in the stewpot.
Every interaction, every day, is a potential stewpot moment. And you know that at some point you are going to fail, and you’ll end up in with the carrots. This is inevitable.
This is a terrifying way to live. It is also exhausting. Not only because pretending to be “one of them” takes a lot of energy, but the terror itself is debilitating.
I’ve read that a lot of the higher-functioning autistic people get diagnosed late because they can “fake it” (mask) while they are quite young and social interactions are fairly simple. They only start to have problems as they get older and things get more complicated than they can handle.
From my (autistic) perspective, the people you want around you most are those who accept you for who you are, and don’t mind when you make mistakes. And, specifically, don’t try to force you to do things that just add more terror and stress (“Why don’t you go out with your classmates? It will be fun!” [No, it will not be fun. It will be exhausting.])
What constitutes a “good life” varies greatly between people. Some people (autistic or not) have a lot of need for interpersonal contact; others don’t. Your son is an individual, and, autistic or not, may want a different sort of life to you. This doesn’t mean he’s wrong or will inevitably be unhappy. However, being autistic may make it more difficult for him to find his “good life”, so parental support while he figures it out will be important for him.
If you can get past the communication-by-grunts aspect, it might be worth talking about what he wants to do, and what he would like out of life, rather than trying to persuade him to do what you think is best for him, or asking him to “pick a job”. (I can read what I’m writing, and if you can do this with a teenage boy, you are probably a super-parent and should definitely buy a cape.)
There is also the element of what he knows, or believes, about autism. The information you get on diagnosis varies a lot, and what you think you are capable of, or what you think your life will hold, depends a lot on what other people tell you are you capable of - or not. This can work both ways; it’s equally demoralising to be told you “can’t do that because you’re autistic” or to “buck up and get on with it!” if you know it’s something unreasonably terrifying and stressful. This does not make your life as the parent of an autistic offspring any easier.
If he’s interacting with people online, at least he’s interacting with people. Online is safer and easier than real life, because it’s more controlled and controllable.
In real life, I have one real friend - I do have other people I’m friendly with, but my social relationships are all “contingent” - they exist because we have something (usually a location or pursuit) in common. When I move on… I move on. However, that’s not to say the relationships I have are not good ones, and bring me happiness for their duration. Your son might be the same. I think, if you’re autistic, it helps to have something to do (or at least something in common to talk about) when socialising.
When it comes to a career, you didn’t say what he’s graduating from, or in. However, it’s not unusual for students not to know what they’re going to do after university until quite late on - sometimes they don’t even figure it out until the Job Fair, or not until after that. My (very much not autistic) husband, for example, did not plan to be a low-level civil servant after university: that was just what turned up. His plan was mostly, “….and if all else fails, the army.” Teaching was a fourth-career thing (he was very bad at selling insurance, for example).
To be a bit more proactive about it, the things to consider are:
- Ambitions
- Qualifications
- Skills/abilities (brilliant at programming? cooking? Terrible at spelling?) - and don’t forget to think of the advantages, if any, autism brings (e.g. task focus, pattern-spotting etc)
- Interests
- Barriers and disabilities (social, sensory, etc).
Make some lists with “essential”, “like to have”, “rather not”, and “absolutely not ever”, and see what it looks like. Maybe ask one of the AIs like ChatGPT if they have any ideas (or a careers service), given the parameters you have worked out.
You and he may not end up with a nice tidy answer like “video game designer” (it happens - the son of one of the people I work with has ended up teaching video game design at university), but you may be able to hash out what a good/ideal job would look like (e.g. “working with animals”, “working with computers”, “in an office”, “outside”, etc), and then go from there.
Don’t limit yourself in what type of jobs to consider, except hard yes/no aspects; some employers are very keen to employ autistic people for their advantages in attention to detail, pattern spotting, task-focus, etc - including the UK’s GCHQ (our intelligence, security and cyber agency - the equivalent of the US’s NSA): 'Daring to think differently and be different'
I don’t have kids, but I think I may have been one once. However, my husband is a high-school teacher, mostly teaching the older kids (14-18).
Firstly, your son he may be autistic but he’s still a 17-year-old lad. As a group, they’re not known for their eloquence or desire to express their innermost thoughts to their parents. Neither are they the demographic most associated with detailed life plans. I think it’s fairly common that the cute boy who would tell you everything turns into an adolescent who communicates mostly in grunts - through a closed door.
If the lack of an “easy connection” is due to him being a 17-year-old lad, he’ll probably grow out of it.
However, that said…
Being autistic, whether you have social anxiety on top of it or not, comes with social difficulties. These difficulties often do not disappear “with practice”. Or at least, I’m in my forties and I’m still waiting.
For me, I think of being autistic and having to interact with neurotypicals as like being an anthropologist studying a lost tribe of cannibals. They have a lot of complex social rituals which they never explain (and may not even understand themselves), but you have to get everything right or you will end up in the stewpot.
Every interaction, every day, is a potential stewpot moment. And you know that at some point you are going to fail, and you’ll end up in with the carrots. This is inevitable.
This is a terrifying way to live. It is also exhausting. Not only because pretending to be “one of them” takes a lot of energy, but the terror itself is debilitating.
I’ve read that a lot of the higher-functioning autistic people get diagnosed late because they can “fake it” (mask) while they are quite young and social interactions are fairly simple. They only start to have problems as they get older and things get more complicated than they can handle.
From my (autistic) perspective, the people you want around you most are those who accept you for who you are, and don’t mind when you make mistakes. And, specifically, don’t try to force you to do things that just add more terror and stress (“Why don’t you go out with your classmates? It will be fun!” [No, it will not be fun. It will be exhausting.])
What constitutes a “good life” varies greatly between people. Some people (autistic or not) have a lot of need for interpersonal contact; others don’t. Your son is an individual, and, autistic or not, may want a different sort of life to you. This doesn’t mean he’s wrong or will inevitably be unhappy. However, being autistic may make it more difficult for him to find his “good life”, so parental support while he figures it out will be important for him.
If you can get past the communication-by-grunts aspect, it might be worth talking about what he wants to do, and what he would like out of life, rather than trying to persuade him to do what you think is best for him, or asking him to “pick a job”. (I can read what I’m writing, and if you can do this with a teenage boy, you are probably a super-parent and should definitely buy a cape.)
There is also the element of what he knows, or believes, about autism. The information you get on diagnosis varies a lot, and what you think you are capable of, or what you think your life will hold, depends a lot on what other people tell you are you capable of - or not. This can work both ways; it’s equally demoralising to be told you “can’t do that because you’re autistic” or to “buck up and get on with it!” if you know it’s something unreasonably terrifying and stressful. This does not make your life as the parent of an autistic offspring any easier.
If he’s interacting with people online, at least he’s interacting with people. Online is safer and easier than real life, because it’s more controlled and controllable.
In real life, I have one real friend - I do have other people I’m friendly with, but my social relationships are all “contingent” - they exist because we have something (usually a location or pursuit) in common. When I move on… I move on. However, that’s not to say the relationships I have are not good ones, and bring me happiness for their duration. Your son might be the same. I think, if you’re autistic, it helps to have something to do (or at least something in common to talk about) when socialising.
When it comes to a career, you didn’t say what he’s graduating from, or in. However, it’s not unusual for students not to know what they’re going to do after university until quite late on - sometimes they don’t even figure it out until the Job Fair, or not until after that. My (very much not autistic) husband, for example, did not plan to be a low-level civil servant after university: that was just what turned up. His plan was mostly, “….and if all else fails, the army.” Teaching was a fourth-career thing (he was very bad at selling insurance, for example).
To be a bit more proactive about it, the things to consider are:
- Ambitions
- Qualifications
- Skills/abilities (brilliant at programming? cooking? Terrible at spelling?) - and don’t forget to think of the advantages, if any, autism brings (e.g. task focus, pattern-spotting etc)
- Interests
- Barriers and disabilities (social, sensory, etc).
Make some lists with “essential”, “like to have”, “rather not”, and “absolutely not ever”, and see what it looks like. Maybe ask one of the AIs like ChatGPT if they have any ideas (or a careers service), given the parameters you have worked out.
You and he may not end up with a nice tidy answer like “video game designer” (it happens - the son of one of the people I work with has ended up teaching video game design at university), but you may be able to hash out what a good/ideal job would look like (e.g. “working with animals”, “working with computers”, “in an office”, “outside”, etc), and then go from there.
Don’t limit yourself in what type of jobs to consider, except hard yes/no aspects; some employers are very keen to employ autistic people for their advantages in attention to detail, pattern spotting, task-focus, etc - including the UK’s GCHQ (our intelligence, security and cyber agency - the equivalent of the US’s NSA): 'Daring to think differently and be different'
I worked with people with developmental disabilities for more than 20 years. Parents of autistic teenagers and young adults have a lot of trouble transitioning from parenting a child, to parenting an adult.
It’s important to remember children go through developmental stages. The appropriate developmental task for teens and young adults is to separate from their parents.
This is an extremely difficult time for all parents, at least in Western society.
It is “normal” for him to not talk much to his parents. He is not going to want to be pals with you. He isn’t likely to like the same people or activities. He is becoming his own person and will no longer be your little boy.
I’m a parent too. I know how wrenching this can be. Courage, brave mother.
It’s important to remember children go through developmental stages. The appropriate developmental task for teens and young adults is to separate from their parents.
This is an extremely difficult time for all parents, at least in Western society.
It is “normal” for him to not talk much to his parents. He is not going to want to be pals with you. He isn’t likely to like the same people or activities. He is becoming his own person and will no longer be your little boy.
I’m a parent too. I know how wrenching this can be. Courage, brave mother.
I went through my teens not knowing I was autistic. I inescapeably, undeniably knew I was weird. I just didn't know why. I thought I was uniquely weird. I also went through my 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, and partway into 60s still not knowing.
Most of my life has been solitary. Before the internet, I was on Ham Radio (my first special interest was electronics and radio). Ham Radio in a lot of ways was the original Social Media. Not seeing people I talked with removed most of the awkwardness of socializing for me. I could talk to a complete stranger because the very fact that we had earned our radio licenses and were on the air gave us something in common to start from. Some conversations never got beyond locations and our respective equipment, because we didn't have anything else in common, but some of those anonymous strangers became lifelong friends I still talk to (and have never met in person).
The internet is a less disciplined version, but has a lot of similarities to Ham Radio. I certainly would have found online friends like your son has if the internet had been around. Non autistic people often notice something is "off" about us within seconds of meeting us and often avoid us. That makes it difficult at best for us to make friends "in real life".
And like someone said above, most 17 year old guys find it very awkward to hang around with their parents.
Most of my life has been solitary. Before the internet, I was on Ham Radio (my first special interest was electronics and radio). Ham Radio in a lot of ways was the original Social Media. Not seeing people I talked with removed most of the awkwardness of socializing for me. I could talk to a complete stranger because the very fact that we had earned our radio licenses and were on the air gave us something in common to start from. Some conversations never got beyond locations and our respective equipment, because we didn't have anything else in common, but some of those anonymous strangers became lifelong friends I still talk to (and have never met in person).
The internet is a less disciplined version, but has a lot of similarities to Ham Radio. I certainly would have found online friends like your son has if the internet had been around. Non autistic people often notice something is "off" about us within seconds of meeting us and often avoid us. That makes it difficult at best for us to make friends "in real life".
And like someone said above, most 17 year old guys find it very awkward to hang around with their parents.
This is a real thing. It seems to be because autistic people’s facial expressions and body language (plus tone of voice etc) is different to neurotypicals.
The avoidance-instinct seems to operate at an unconscious level, and isn’t related to what the neurotypical person knows or believes about autism. (Neurotypical Peers are Less Willing to Interact with Those with Autism based on Thin Slice Judgments - Scientific Reports)
I think it may be related to (or the same as) the “Uncanny Valley” effect in robotics and animation, in which human-like entities are judged to be increasingly “nice/friendly” until they get to very close to “actually human” - and then they suddenly start to seem weird/creepy. Nobody quite knows why the “Uncanny Valley” exists, but it seems to be a fear reaction to something that looks and acts like a human - but isn’t quite.
Autistic people are human (!) but our differences in body language etc trigger the same sort of weird/creepy vibe because they are not what neurotypicals are used to.
Additionally, there’s the “double-empathy” problem (The double empathy problem), where differences in how we display emotion and communicate it differs from neurotypical people. This has the result that autistic people find it difficult to interpret how neurotypicals are feeling (as we all know) - but equally, it goes the other way and neurotypicals can’t interpret how autistic people are feeling either.
“I can’t tell what you’re thinking” is something that gets said to me a lot (including by people who know me well). Sometimes with the implication that I’m being deliberately opaque or hiding things. But I’m not. That’s just my face. Sort of like, “resting autistic face”.
Social interactions where facial/body language isn’t a factor (such as video games where you interact through an avatar, or online forums where it’s all text) could therefore be easier and more rewarding for an autistic person because it allows them to be judged as a potential friend on what they say and do, without the “uncanny valley” or “double-empathy” effects interfering.
Of course, very few people manage to live happily and independently without much/any contact with other humans (due to job, groceries etc), so you do have to learn to deal with neurotypicals at least on a professional/functional level, and potentially at least a surface social level. But that will come (especially with parental support!) and will probably be easier if he already has online friends. Not only because conversational practice is conversational practice, but also the knowledge that SOME people like you gives confidence and some insulation from the inevitable social failures.
There is also the practical element of independent living. Can he cook, clean, shop, and do laundry? I ask because it's not uncommon for non-autistic teenagers not to have daily living skills nowadays (and even when I went to university, some people didn't know how to do their own laundry). Sometimes, autistic people have more problems with this - either figuring out how it all works, managing the social element (I shop at the big supermarket and use the self-service checkouts so I don't have to make polite conversation with the checkout person), or managing the executive function of just organising and doing it all. Knowing how to do this, and having confidence in one's ability to look after oneself as an independent adult is also likely to give confidence in other areas.
What helps is often not "You need to practice buying milk at the corner shop even though it's scary and you're bad at it", but rather, "You don't like going to the corner shop because you have to talk to the (nice!) person behind the counter, so why not go to the supermarket instead?"
Remember that being autistic makes difficult or stressful things that neurotypicals find easy or pleasurable. And that often doesn't go away with practice. The best way forward is sometimes to work out an alternative way of getting to the goal (e.g. milk) that works but is less stressful.
You can't "learn not to be autistic" - the best way forward is to accept autism and work with it, rather than against it. This is probably particularly hard when you're not autistic yourself (so no direct experience) and your autistic person is a 17-year-old lad who isn't the most eloquent communicator. Hard, but do-able with patience!
VAW
Well-Known Member
This sounds so much like my son, I always felt like I wasn't getting to him, like you said distant. I was very concerned, but we didn't have him diagnosed until he was in his 20's. He was so intelligent, and I felt like he could do anything but not social. It wasn't until I got on this site that I started to understand him a bit more and allowed him to be who he was. IT is the hardest for a parent because we want our children to soar and fit in. Now he is 36 and he has conquered some pretty hard milestones like driving a car which he never wanted to do, he works out at the gym and has actually talked to them in a quick conversation. He goes to the doctor by himself now and does his own grocery shopping. He was so smart and good looking and could have anything in life but that is not his life. Took me a long time to realize that their brain functions different from ours and we can't expect them to be who we think they should or could be. Since I can understand him more our communication is so much better. He still has his times when he won't answer me or he feels the anxiety very hard so I give him that space. He is a great person on his own terms and that is okay. He pushes himself when he feels like he can and he grows within his own time.
Thank you so much for taking the time to share this thoughtful response.
You're absolutely right, 17 year old boys aren't known for wanting to chat and hang out with your parents. I do think I've lost sight of that a bit since his diagnosis. When we first started to notice changes in him, I attributed it to him becoming a teen, and puberty, and starting high-school post covid. In doing that, I feel like I lost time in getting him the proper diagnosis and support. I have been feeling a lot of guilt and failure for not recognizing sooner that he was on the spectrum. The other piece of that is he has never been able to articulate or express his feelings well despite being able to connect more easily when he was younger. I feel like the timing and circumstances are just very complicated and make it difficult for me to discern what is what.
I am incredibly grateful for his online friendships. The longest friendship is with a girl and they've been friends over 3 years. She lives 15 hours away, and two summers ago, her family and ours drove and met in the middle for the weekend. Seeing him so happy with her and interacting so easily with her is one of my favorite moments as his mom. But even hearing him laugh while talking with them from the other side of the door makes me happy and again I'm so grateful he has that.
I've never been a parent to want my child to be a certain way or follow a certain path. I want my kids to be happy and to find what they love to do and do it. I want them to know they are loved and supported and that they always have a place they belong.
You've given me a lot to think about and a lot of good ideas for approaching figuring out what he'd like to do for his next steps after graduating (high school). Thank you so much!
We are in the U.S!
I'm so happy he has his online friends (and that you were able to find a comfortable way to connect sans internet!).
I do feel like he is often avoided, and tries very hard to make himself avoidable. I can understand that, but it is hard as his mom because I know how much he has to offer and share that people around him would appreciate. I really hope to help get him to a place where he feels more comfortable doing that.
Ha. "I can't tell what you're thinking" is something I say or think about my son a lot. And I have thought he's withholding. I appreciate this insight.
He can cook, and do laundry, he can clean but rarely does so.... must be an autistic trait because my other sons are very neat and clean (wink, wink, ha ha). He started driving lessons and then completely lost interest. My husband is keen to force him to do and whereas I am not (not in a mean or frustrated way). His younger brother will start lessons in a few months and my husband feels our older sons ego will be hurt if his brother gets his license first.
I have been having him practice paying for things in stores etc (without calling it such but just giving him the opportunity to do that).
I'm not on the spectrum but I have had anxiety and adhd my whole life, not diagnosed until adulthood, so there are aspects I can relate with. It's the lack of communication and understanding where he is at that is difficult for me. And I do feel strongly that is for ME to figure out, not him.
Thank you for sharing!
VAW
Well-Known Member
It is very hard because I have 5 kids (adults now) and they all seemed to blossom and get good jobs and go out and do things, except my Asperger's son. He would go out with his brother's and sisters but never alone. Before I knew he had this we always tried to get him to go out or get a job etc... and push him to be like the other kids. That is why I said who he should be or could be, I always wanted the best for him and it sure seemed he wasn't trying and so I pushed a little harder. It was much later that I realized just how much anxiety he had doing simple things in public, it just seemed much harder for him and yet he is one of the smartest people I know. They really are a blessing once you break that barrier and get to know them. My son didn't say much or answer all the time so was hard to really get to know him. Then sometimes he laughed and talked more. Even now when he has to go to a specialist, and I am driving he doesn't says a word but then sometimes on the way home he talks more. I think sometimes that anxiety gets to him.
Looking back, do you wish you pushed more or less? That's something I'm struggling with now. Trying to find the balance between letting him be, supporting him and encouraging/pushing him because I know what he's capable of. I just don't have a good understanding of his limitations or hold-ups because he doesn't share what he's feeling so it's hard to know how to proceed.
Absolutely! You're the Mum, doing proper Mum-things!
I'm not surprised that communication/understanding are what you are finding the most difficult. They are the part of autism that most affects connection with others (e.g. his mum), so that is what others are likely to pick up on first. Sensory difficulties, for example, can often be only internal - they may affect behaviour, but you can't tell by looking that an autistic person is overwhelmed by the light/soundscape of a situation. The social difficulties are also the bit of autism that gets the most publicity and page-time - I think a bit part of this is because autism was first diagnosed in children, and the reason was their social difficulties. It's only now the diagnosed-autistic population is getting older and can speak for themselves that the other bits of autism (e.g. sensory problems) are starting to be known about.
To be honest, driving lessons, ego and who-did-what-first is not something I would be overly worried about. I'm not saying that autistic people are never concerned about that sort of thing, but I think it's more of a neurotypical thing: it's basically all about concern regarding one's position in the social hierarchy. Not really something autistic people tend to be (on average) as concerned with as neurotypical people!
Regarding why he stopped having driving lessons, it might be worth seeing if you can dig a bit deeper into what "lost interest" really means. In teenage lads, it may mean "I didn't like it because [reason]/found it difficult because [reason] but don't want to to say/don't know how to verbalise it" rather than, "Meh, not interested." Even when they're not autistic! Some autistic people can't drive because their vision is so detail-based that they literally can't cope with all the stuff in their field of vision moving around. Or maybe his driving instructor was one of these chatty people who think you're being rude if you don't keep up a continual flow of conversation? If you're trying to drive a car, have a conversation, and be autistic at the same time, that's really hard!
A problem with figuring out what an autistic person is "capable" of doing is that autism has a lot of different effects. A person may be physically and intellectually capable of doing something, but a factor specific to autism might be causing difficulties.
For instance, when it comes to going to the corner shop to buy milk, the problems might be any or all of:
- Social: Talking to the counter person (so, go to the supermarket and use the self-service checkout instead). Once going to the supermarket is OK, then maybe work on situations with more interpersonal contact, with a little script on what to say to the counter person.
- Sensory: The bright lights, colours, sounds (people, muzak) (so, go late at night when it's quieter). Some people's vision is very detail-oriented and they find it hard to literally see the big picture (smaller shops may be better? I don't have this problem, so I don't know)
- Executive function: Getting all the moving parts - choosing stuff, paying - organised (break it down into smaller tasks, with a step-by-step list)
The solution to the problem will depend on what the problem is. Just pushing an autistic person to do what they're afraid/reluctant to do may not work because the problem isn't always the kind of "straightforward" social anxiety that is best treated by graduated exposure and practice. Practice can help with some things, but it's best to start with defining the problem and seeing how to reduce the effects first. Autism comes with real, unalterable, neurological differences that often involve "workarounds" rather than just "practice until you can do it".
This is definitely not as easy as just saying it sounds, because just figuring out the problem can be difficult when you and your son have different experiences of the world and therefore different expectations and languages.
Your son doesn't have any experience of being non-autistic, so he doesn't know what the normal experience of things (like shopping or driving) should be like. It's likely therefore difficult for him to say, "Actually, Mum, I don't like going to the shop because all the people and noise make it confusing and it does my head in." Because how does he know it's not like that for everyone? (Only, somehow, they manage to cope with it! And how depressing and/or scary do you think that is? Part of the good thing about having an official autism diagnosis is having a real reason why things that everyone else finds easy or fun are so difficult for you. Of course, that only works if you have a good understanding of what autism is and how it affects you.)
Likewise, you don't have any experience of being autistic, so you don't know what it's like from the inside! So it's a lot more difficult for you, as Mum, to instinctively understand what's going on with him than it would be for a non-autistic kid.
There's also the problem that some autistic people have trouble labelling and talking about their emotions. So it may be difficult for him to accurately define/describe why he doesn't like doing various things.
It might be worth figuring out some options of why a certain task might be hard for an autistic person, and ask which of those matches your son's experiences (or fears). Then come up with a joint plan from that.
As for what to push with... is your son old enough/mature enough to realise that maximising one's ability to cope independently is important? Even if it means doing some work to get that way? Some people may never be able to live completely independently, but it's good to make the most of what you can do.
If he is, then maybe a discussion about A) What skills are the most important to work on (e.g. basic activities of daily living), and B) What things are stopping him from doing things he would like to do. Then make a "to do" list, listed in order of importance, to work on. One thing at a time.
(I am a to-do list, step-by step, define the problem, define the solution, then implement, sort of person!)
Working on one thing at a time might be helpful because it's not ALL THE THINGS all at once, which can be overwhelming, as if you're not allowed to relax - you have to be DOING SCARY STUFF ALL THE TIME. If someone is trying to make you do that (or it feels as if they are), the instinct is just to run away and hide. With a list, there's just this one thing you need to work on, and when you're not working on it you can relax back into your comfort zone. Then when that thing is in (or near) your comfort zone, you can move on to the next thing and work on that (maybe after a rest to enjoy/get used to the new status quo). Rinse and repeat.
Also, if he has input into what he's going to work on, it makes it more of a project for him and he has ownership and control; it's not something he is being pushed into by (well-meaning!) others. It will also give him valuable problem-solving skills for later in life. If/when he gets a job, he may need to ask his employer for accommodations due to autism - having a tried-and-tested way of defining the problem and coming up with workarounds/solutions is helpful for this, as neurotypical employers will probably understand less than you do.
VAW
Well-Known Member
I am going to start a private chat with you.....
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