Putting Myself Out There

Exactly what it says on the tin- it’s been my New Year’s resolution to put myself out there more. I’m also interested in getting a new job, and even possibly dating.

To reach my goal, I’ve become the head of a book club, and joined a neurodivergent support group. Those have both been going really well. However, I really haven’t met anyone I would consider a friend yet.

There seems to be a lot of LGBT+ groups that meet in my city. I would love to attend, but I currently live with my parents, who aren’t supportive.

I also don’t drive, which is a roadblock on my journey to find in-person friends. I would like to learn, but it’s one of my biggest fears. I just have the feeling that I’ll misunderstand someone’s signals and it’ll end in disaster.

Where have you met people in the past? If you have in-person friends, how did you meet them? What do you recommend for people that are on the spectrum and want to form those close relationships with others?

When I started to come out of my cage and learn to be social, I joined outings groups where participation counted more than neurology. I was hoping to meet people as friends. It worked. Not only did that lead to meeting my future spouse, outings led to friends of over 40 years. In 15 minutes I will be leaving to lead a snowshoe hike in a conservation area near here for the bike club.

Do exactly what you are doing!

Go to places where there will be people who are interested in the same things as you are. Then at least you will have that in common with them, which is one step towards friendships. Even if you don't find someone who becomes a true, close friend you'll probably meet people you like to spend time with, and who like you. This is not to be underestimated.

I have one close friend other than my husband, and I met both of them through joining a group.

Just remember that you may not meet your future good/best friend (or someone to date!) straight away. Sometimes it takes time to get to know someone, or it might be that your future friend hasn't joined the group yet!

It's hard. I been putting myself out there for nearly 6 years now. I am so exhausted, angry, frustrated and depressed so little came out of it.

The worst thing is that I am told that I didn't try hard enough, to put myself out there more and it takes time. I am going to collapse.

Tiffany Kate said:

Do exactly what you are doing!

Go to places where there will be people who are interested in the same things as you are. Then at least you will have that in common with them, which is one step towards friendships. Even if you don't find someone who becomes a true, close friend you'll probably meet people you like to spend time with, and who like you. This is not to be underestimated.

I have one close friend other than my husband, and I met both of them through joining a group.

Just remember that you may not meet your future good/best friend (or someone to date!) straight away. Sometimes it takes time to get to know someone, or it might be that your future friend hasn't joined the group yet!

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I agree wholeheartedly. We are bad at creating opportunities to meet people, especially when we may desire a relationship. I can remember times when I would sabotage myself when my mind panicked at engaging with people. This did not happen with the outings groups I felt and still feel safe with. At my worst, I tended to shut down and it took a particularly kind and accepting woman to engage with me.

I can’t advise you and honestly, I’ve begun to think I’m picking up pieces so much right now, I’m not in a position to advise anyone on here that much anymore.

But: I really need to get out more it needs to be a NYR for me too. I’ve isolated myself a lot out of fear of getting hurt, but I’ve been trying to go to local Meetup events in the past year.

Unfortunately, the social group that has kept going when Meetup groups in my area tend to fizzle out has been quiet lately. I’m trying to branch out since I need to do that anyway. I’m hoping the LGBT (I id as bi, but mostly ss) and ally group my therapist recommended and I met up with once does something again soon too.

I started going to a gym to at least be around others when exercising.

I’m thinking about going to a monthly library book club I found too.

I am involved in several different social groups, and meet various people in those groups

In my experience friendships in these tend to happen organically, I can never predict

Even within those groups there are people I interact only while I'm inside those groups, and that's fine for me since I tend to be a loner anyway outside of those groups

Very occasionally I'll make connections out in general public, one person I met last summer at an art gallery property in an open field (my best description), and we still interact on social media

Tiffany Kate said:

Just remember that you may not meet your future good/best friend (or someone to date!) straight away. Sometimes it takes time to get to know someone, or it might be that your future friend hasn't joined the group yet!

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I waited in groups and places for that special someone until I literally had nervous breakdowns then I left voluntarily most of the time because I was ostracized or got kicked out. Then I tried again and keep stupidity trying to this day again just for the cycle to repeat. Don't get your hopes up.

Tony Ramirez said:

I waited in groups and places for that special someone until I literally had nervous breakdowns then I left voluntarily most of the time because I was ostracized or got kicked out. Then I tried again and keep stupidity trying to this day again just for the cycle to repeat. Don't get your hopes up.

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people would kick you out of group events, meetings? for what for?

Steelbookcollector217 said:

people would kick you out of group events, meetings? for what for?

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For being emotional when no one talks to me. Yes I do approach, but it's mostly ignored or two word conversations. Cliques are formed, and I am the only one sitting/standing by myself.

Tony Ramirez said:

For being emotional when no one talks to me. Yes I do approach, but it's mostly ignored or two word conversations. Cliques are formed, and I am the only one sitting/standing by myself.

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and you have ended up in the mental hospital couple of times already, for nervous or mental breakdowns?

I have always had more success, such as it is, with groups where the emphasis is on doing a thing, not on socialising. That way, a) There's always something to talk about, and b) If nobody is talking to me, I've got something to do so I'm not stuck standing there uselessly like a hatstand when nobody wears hats.

Since I'm no good at making conversation and tact/diplomacy are not my best skills, I find it's also easier if I take on some sort of role in the running of the group. That way (if we're being cynical about it) I have value to the group and if they want to kick me out, they have to find someone else to take on the job I was doing. Since, in voluntary/hobby organisations, 90% of the organising work is usually done by 10% of the people (most people just want to turn up, do their thing, and go home), that's a significant factor.

Of course, you don't just arrive and immediately try to start running things. But there is usually an opportunity to "volunteer" to do something; most groups with an organisational structure of any kind are short of people to do the work.

Even if you're not involved in running the group or doing other things for it, if there's a "thing to do", there's the possibility of being an expert on some area of it (and as autistic people, we are ideally placed to be experts!) - which, again, can make you valued by the group as a resource.

The idea is that even if you initially make your place in the group by being useful, you will make relationships further down the line in time as people get to know you better.

It's a very cynical way of looking at it, but given how difficult it can be to fit in with neurotypicals anyway, we may need all the tricks we can use, to get a foot in the door and keep it there.