Do I have to become like my older brother?

This is something that regularly eats at me and has done so for many years now. My older brother has always been more socially adept than me and has been married with five children (The same number of children our own father has sired.) for some years now. While I don’t deny that my older brother has always been more socially outgoing than I have been, he has also been very aggressive and even hostile towards other people. He’s even denigrated women but he’s always had dates and girlfriends.

I keep fearing that I will have to become like him, even though I dislike a lot of his traits and I was constantly in his shadow during my developmental years.

I know of a person who is stereotypically successful with women and he is generally quite an angry person and can be disrespectful towards women.

Some women will overlook this sort of thing if a man provides money and a child for them to bear.
Of course, there are childless couples also. I imagine for women who don't have children, they will generally have higher standards for who they wish to spend time with, especially if they aren't gaining anything in terms of offspring.

Being shy isn't really a good way to be successful with women, which is why a lot of autistic people struggle with dating.

@Markness - You don't have to be like anyone else. Just be yourself. You have plenty of good qualities to offer a woman. The task now is to put yourself "out there" to meet some women. Try to focus on that, and not your brother.

Markness said:

This is something that regularly eats at me and has done so for many years now. My older brother has always been more socially adept than me and has been married with five children (The same number of children our own father has sired.) for some years now. While I don’t deny that my older brother has always been more socially outgoing than I have been, he has also been very aggressive and even hostile towards other people. He’s even denigrated women but he’s always had dates and girlfriends.

I keep fearing that I will have to become like him, even though I dislike a lot of his traits and I was constantly in his shadow during my developmental years.

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Have you not discussed this with your therapist?

Markness said:

This is something that regularly eats at me and has done so for many years now. My older brother has always been more socially adept than me and has been married with five children (The same number of children our own father has sired.) for some years now. While I don’t deny that my older brother has always been more socially outgoing than I have been, he has also been very aggressive and even hostile towards other people. He’s even denigrated women but he’s always had dates and girlfriends.

I keep fearing that I will have to become like him, even though I dislike a lot of his traits and I was constantly in his shadow during my developmental years.

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When a person knows that a thing is possible, and that the thing is undesirable, the person knows what to beware off, and can make an informed choice.

Nobody's destiny is fixed.

Knowledge is the lever of change that anybody can apply.

No. Absolutely not.

I can't speak for other women, but for me, a man like you describe your brother to be wouldn't have got a second date if - by some miracle - I'd had a moment and granted him a first date.

My husband is one of the quiet ones, and I wouldn't swap him for anyone.

There's a lot of room between "recluse who practically expects a woman to climb up into his tower to kiss him awake" and "outgoing, but arrogant and aggressive."

Like @Mary Terry says, be yourself. Especially if you're a nicer person than your brother!

Also, it's generally a bad idea to use other people as a yardstick all the time - (anti-)role models, yes, but not constant comparisons. It's the difference between being the best version of yourself you can be, and being an imitation (or an anti-imitation) of someone else.

Especially if you keep talking about it to others - a woman who is interested in you is interested in you, not in how you compare to someone else.

For some women, they are in fact attracted to the "bad boy" model of male behavior. I don't get it myself but I have seen it, though not in any great numbers.

IMO becoming that "bad boy" takes a lot more than simply deciding it's the only way to become desirable to some women out there. That you have to become a truly bad person to really pull that off. However that just isn't you. Far too much of a personal sacrifice just to appear superficially attractive to a minority of women with such tastes in men.

And that's not a bad thing. You have more to offer than that. It's just a matter of finding someone out there that sees you for who you are. Never for who you may pretend to be. Don't even go there.

You are not your brother. You have to be the best YOU you can be. I agree with @tree in that these are discussions you should be having with your therapist.

Markness said:

He’s even denigrated women but he’s always had dates and girlfriends.

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They say this all the time on the FA Reddit sub, but for us, it doesn't work when we do it. Trust me from experience, anything we try repelled them.

@Markness, how could you even be like your brother? "Being like him" would mean not being who you are... aka pretending. We cannot absorb other's personalities just because they have what we want. You must find your own way.

Comparing yourself to others is easy. Too easy especially when you try much harder and fail.

It's been two weeks since you posted about not being able to go the Waco gaming place until you get over your illness. You should be able to go out and about now. Why don't you plan a trip there and have some fun?

Tony Ramirez said:

Comparing yourself to others is easy. Too easy especially when you try much harder and fail.

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It's also not accurate because you are two completely different people with different life experiences. Comparisons are useless.

So called "bad boys" just help themselves to what they want. They want sex? They find a vulnerable woman that good guys would feel too exploitative to take advantage of. It's not the "badness" we are attracted to, it's confidence and go-get-it attitude, it's just unfortunate that less-scrupled men are often the ones to embody that attitude.

I highly doubt that being like your brother will help you in this situation. While it is easy to compare yourself to others, it gets almost nothing accomplished, much like Magikarp's Splash attack (Pokemon reference, for those who are wondering)

You have an awesome job, met a famous rock star, and are one of the kindest people in this community. Try to focus on these things instead of your brother and his accomplishments. I understand that it is easier said than done, but the more you focus on your positive traits, the better you will feel about yourself.

And I agree with @tree and @Masked Man about discussing this with your therapist, I am sure she will help you on that front.