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Hi, new member, NT, joined because I’m having problems with one of my brothers with ASD Level 1 (aka Asperger’s).

NTsister

NTsister

New Member
Hi, I’m the oldest and only sister with three brothers, one of whom was diagnosed with Asperger’s in his 40s. Awesome parents, now deceased.
 
Rodafina said:
Hello and welcome, @NTsister. I hope that the forum is helpful to you. Let us know if you have any questions about how things work.
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Thanks for the immediate welcome! I feel better already.
Q: Where can I find info about family estrangement?
I’m NT, the only and oldest sister of three brothers — we are all now in our 60s and live pretty far from each other. One brother (diagnosed with Asperger’s in his 40s) cut off communication with me over 2+ years. None of us siblings know why. Knowing that death is on the horizon and my only regret is the estrangement, I wonder if it’s appropriate to make one last attempt to reconnect or should I just leave my brother alone?
 
Hi, @NTsister. You've come to a good place for information and to figure out what to do. I'm NT and have an autistic nephew whose mother is also autistic. I'd reach out to your brother if I were you. He may be struggling, depressed, shut down emotionally, have physical problems, etc. Please try to find out how he's doing and reassure him that you love him.
 
NTsister said:
I wonder if it’s appropriate to make one last attempt to reconnect or should I just leave my brother alone?
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I wonder if some sort of family trauma or mistreatment could have driven your brother to cut contact. Is there another person, like a romantic partner, that may be influencing him? Could he be being manipulated by another? Was there truly no indication at all as to why he cut contact? You certainly don't have to answer these questions, but the details of the situation do matter to how you choose to proceed.

Without enough info to say for sure, I'm inclined to think that it may be worth it to reach out to him. It seems that getting older and truly facing our mortality can sometimes lend a whole new perspective to things.

I think it'd be best to try to reach out in a loving and reassuring way, like @Mary Terry said. If you approach the situation truly trying to understand his side of things, you may have a better experience. If you do reach reach out and your brother does not reciprocate, then that is his prerogative, but at least you will have done what you can and then try to make peace with the situation.
 
Mary Terry said:
Hi, @NTsister. You've come to a good place for information and to figure out what to do. I'm NT and have an autistic nephew whose mother is also autistic. I'd reach out to your brother if I were you. He may be struggling, depressed, shut down emotionally, have physical problems, etc. Please try to find out how he's doing and reassure him that you love him.
Click to expand...
Good advice! My brother with ASD (let’s call him Dan) only speaks to one sibling (let’s call him Mark).
Through Mark I know that Dan is struggling, depressed, shut down, lonely, etc. I used to be Dan’s go-to sibling but for 2+ years he won’t or can’t answer any of my communications (cards, emails, texts, phone calls). Mark tells Dan every time they talk (by phone) that I love him.
The only thing I can think of to do is ask Dan if I can visit him for a few days (while I’m still able to travel across the country). But maybe I should just drop my need to reconnect with Dan?
 
I'd say a couple of things.

Firstly, it may or may not be the case that your brother had a different growing-up experience to you. Being the only autistic/Asperger's person in the family can be difficult - sometimes especially if you are undiagnosed. People expect you to behave like a neurotypical, but you can't because you're not one. And then they blame you for not meeting their standards/behaving "properly"/"well". In some ways, not their fault because they don't know. But that doesn't make it any better when you're on the receiving end of it.

Maybe your brother's childhood was as great as yours, but also maybe not. It's worth thinking about, or admitting as a possibility.

Being diagnosed late in life can also have its own difficulties. Suddenly, you both are and are not the person you always thought you were. Yes, you're still you... but now autistic is part of that. Which you always were, but... It can mean a lot of re-processing things that happened years ago, and seeing them in a different light. And sometimes, that can have significant effects on your present-day relationships.

So even if your brother's childhood and family relationships were as great as yours, he may still have a bunch of stuff to work through. There is no time limit for this. Yes, his diagnosis was years ago now, but there's still stuff.

And, of course, life goes on, and something may have happened in the meantime - he may be dealing with something at the moment (and a "moment" can be quite a long time) and just can't cope with any more people stuff. And this applies even to people you like. Sometimes, you just hit maximum, you're all peopled-out, and you can't cope with one more interpersonal interaction for any reason.

On a day-to-day basis, my husband knows that if I'm stressed out, I can't even talk to him (and he is the person I like the most). He knows that if he tries to ask me what's wrong, he'll just make it worse. So he knows to leave me alone until I'm ready to actually use words.

As to where to go from here... well, you don't know why your brother is out of contact, so a tailored solution to the problem is not possible.

All you can do is make sure he knows that you would like to get back in contact, if or when he ever wants to.

My suggestion would be Christmas and birthday cards with a letter inside - just general stuff about what you're doing, how you and your family are, blah blah. Include your address/contact details in case he's lost them. And make sure you say in words because he's autistic and may not get subtext, that you love him and the other members of the family would like to hear from him at any time he would like to get in touch.

If (and this may not be the case at all) any previous incidents come to mind that may have been... mishandled... due to not appreciating how autism affected him, and if there are any times you remember where you or another family member could possibly have handled things better, it's worth mentioning. Once. Don't harp on about it.

Don't demand information from him that he may not be ready to give. Getting back in touch should not be contingent on explaining why he's been out of touch.

And repeat the "we would like to hear from you" every time.

He may not be ready yet, but he might be in the future. And an explicit, recent, invitation is likely to be easier to deal with than one that was received 3 years ago and has been gathering dust ever since.

Basically, it's about making getting in touch with you as low-stress as possible.

He may or may not get back in touch (that's up to him, and we don't know what's going on with him), but the best you can do for yourself and for him is to let him know you're still there for him.
 
Rodafina said:
I wonder if some sort of family trauma or mistreatment could have driven your brother to cut contact. Is there another person, like a romantic partner, that may be influencing him? Could he be being manipulated by another? Was there truly no indication at all as to why he cut contact? You certainly don't have to answer these questions, but the details of the situation do matter to how you choose to proceed.

Without enough info to say for sure, I'm inclined to think that it may be worth it to reach out to him. It seems that getting older and truly facing our mortality can sometimes lend a whole new perspective to things.

I think it'd be best to try to reach out in a loving and reassuring way, like @Mary Terry said. If you approach the situation truly trying to understand his side of things, you may have a better experience. If you do reach reach out and your brother does not reciprocate, then that is his prerogative, but at least you will have done what you can and then try to make peace with the situation.
Click to expand...
Thank you so much, Rodafina. Your last paragraph buoyed my spirits and FWIW, I talked to my psychiatrist (I have MDD) just yesterday and she suggested the same things you did!
This estrangement is breaking my heart — Dan has always been my favorite brother and I don’t know why he cut off all contact. I think I am ?selfishly? worried that Dan will say no and I will spiral into deep depression. However, I have come out of a deep depression in the past so maybe I can do it again.
Thanks again for your help — I think I now know what I need to do; I just need to make myself do it!
 
Tiffany Kate said:
I'd say a couple of things.

Firstly, it may or may not be the case that your brother had a different growing-up experience to you. Being the only autistic/Asperger's person in the family can be difficult - sometimes especially if you are undiagnosed. People expect you to behave like a neurotypical, but you can't because you're not one. And then they blame you for not meeting their standards/behaving "properly"/"well". In some ways, not their fault because they don't know. But that doesn't make it any better when you're on the receiving end of it.

Maybe your brother's childhood was as great as yours, but also maybe not. It's worth thinking about, or admitting as a possibility.

Being diagnosed late in life can also have its own difficulties. Suddenly, you both are and are not the person you always thought you were. Yes, you're still you... but now autistic is part of that. Which you always were, but... It can mean a lot of re-processing things that happened years ago, and seeing them in a different light. And sometimes, that can have significant effects on your present-day relationships.

So even if your brother's childhood and family relationships were as great as yours, he may still have a bunch of stuff to work through. There is no time limit for this. Yes, his diagnosis was years ago now, but there's still stuff.

And, of course, life goes on, and something may have happened in the meantime - he may be dealing with something at the moment (and a "moment" can be quite a long time) and just can't cope with any more people stuff. And this applies even to people you like. Sometimes, you just hit maximum, you're all peopled-out, and you can't cope with one more interpersonal interaction for any reason.

On a day-to-day basis, my husband knows that if I'm stressed out, I can't even talk to him (and he is the person I like the most). He knows that if he tries to ask me what's wrong, he'll just make it worse. So he knows to leave me alone until I'm ready to actually use words.

As to where to go from here... well, you don't know why your brother is out of contact, so a tailored solution to the problem is not possible.

All you can do is make sure he knows that you would like to get back in contact, if or when he ever wants to.

My suggestion would be Christmas and birthday cards with a letter inside - just general stuff about what you're doing, how you and your family are, blah blah. Include your address/contact details in case he's lost them. And make sure you say in words because he's autistic and may not get subtext, that you love him and the other members of the family would like to hear from him at any time he would like to get in touch.

If (and this may not be the case at all) any previous incidents come to mind that may have been... mishandled... due to not appreciating how autism affected him, and if there are any times you remember where you or another family member could possibly have handled things better, it's worth mentioning. Once. Don't harp on about it.

Don't demand information from him that he may not be ready to give. Getting back in touch should not be contingent on explaining why he's been out of touch.

And repeat the "we would like to hear from you" every time.

He may not be ready yet, but he might be in the future. And an explicit, recent, invitation is likely to be easier to deal with than one that was received 3 years ago and has been gathering dust ever since.

Basically, it's about making getting in touch with you as low-stress as possible.

He may or may not get back in touch (that's up to him, and we don't know what's going on with him), but the best you can do for yourself and for him is to let him know you're still there for him.
Click to expand...
Just WOW Tiffany Kate!!! Thank you so much for sharing so much. This was “gold”:

Maybe your brother's childhood was as great as yours, but also maybe not. It's worth thinking about, or admitting as a possibility.
You nailed it! Very recently, Dan told Mark that he thinks he would have had a better life with a different family. Wait, what??? Our family lifestyle revolved around what Dan wanted. Also, I was his protector, the only family member who could figure out his triggers, handle meltdowns, console and comfort him, know what he liked and hated, etc.
Obviously, Dan has a very, very different perspective.

Being diagnosed late in life can also have its own difficulties. Suddenly, you both are and are not the person you always thought you were. Yes, you're still you... but now autistic is part of that. Which you always were, but... It can mean a lot of re-processing things that happened years ago, and seeing them in a different light. And sometimes, that can have significant effects on your present-day relationships.
Yes! For Dan, a late diagnosis may have been worse than no diagnosis. We could be very wrong, but my other brothers and I (all NT) think that Dan dismissed anything regarding the diagnosis. However, maybe he does “own” having ASD, but doesn’t want to talk about it.

Again, thank you so much!
 
I've been estranged from all family for 15 years now.

It was always an incredibly dysfunctional family anyway and we were all fairly distant almost as soon as we became adults. When I was in my 40s and burning out badly was the one time in my life when I really needed a little support (I didn't know anything about autism back then) and I received the exact opposite - ridicule and scorn.

At that time I was reassessing my entire life anyway and my family's attitude triggered me to reassess those relationships too. They always left me feeling depressed and miserable and I decided that I just didn't need them in my life any more. There was no big argument or falling out, they were just too much hard work and I couldn't be bothered, I moved on. It seems they couldn't be bothered either and all parties are happy with the status quo, my father has (or had, I don't know if he still lives) the same memory as me, he knows my email addresses and doesn't have to look them up so he could have got in touch if he had ever wanted to.

I do miss my sister. I had kept in touch with her but the last time I heard from her was when I sent her an email for her 50th birthday. She replied to that but I never heard from her again, and when I didn't get an email for my 50th just 18 months later I tried to contact her but she had also done a disappearing act.

I feel no need to seek any of them out for any reason, not even my sister, we haven't seen each other in over 20 years and would be like strangers now any way.
 
I have four brothers Two of them and myself are on the spectrum, they are real loners like being on their own.
Niether of them likes hanging out with others One has passed away, very close to the other, he has very little contact with his other brothers and sister. My brother became reclusive, after our mother passed, got worse when our dad passed. Came out for nieces wedding, and Christmas at sisters place, last year.
 
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Hello and Welcome to the forums.

I share a similar situation with you although somewhat reversed in nature.

I have an estranged brother who became that way gradually over the years, but the big cutoff, (meaning I have not seen or talked to him in over twenty years) which came about with my fathers death, was most likely due to the nature of his will and the crazy woman my brother was married to at the time. My mother passed away in late 1984 and my father survived her by almost twenty years. His final years were rather grim as both he and my mother before him were taken by cancers. My sister had followed my mothers career became an RN, so became my fathers caregiver in his final years. Thus, she received our fathers house while myself and brother split my progenitor's stock portfolio. For some reason, he saw this as some sort of giant inequity (silly boy), and became extremely resentful. I am certain his wife at that time was responsible for feeding this resentment.

I would love to speak with him but I have taken no action to do so. I do speak or text with his daughter from time to time, and she has attempted to get him to call me, but I am still waiting.

I was diagnosed with Asperger's in my early forties. While my brother may not be fully on the spectrum, I believe there is some "leakage" there as he had a number of learning disabilities growing up. His being the youngest of four may have bearing, but I am skeptical of that. Now that I am getting closer to 80 than I like to think about, he is at the beginning of his 70s. If he is still sailing a funeral ship of resentment, I cannot imagine him responding to me if I tried to reach out.

I do not imagine this will help much, but this estrangement could be fueled by some deep seeded resentment that you have no knowledge of and would probably not understand even if you were party to the reasoning behind it. I feel for your position and whatever you decide to do, there is likely to be emotional pain involved.

My hope is that you find some peace within yourself, even if your brother remains a misanthropic relative for unknown reasons. Change can be tough for those on the spectrum that have yet to understand themselves and the world around them.

Hugs
 
Welcome!

I really like what a lot of people on here said. I agree that he could just be really struggling internally, and that leads to him not interacting with others.

My sister and I had a falling out. She did not understand an aspect of my autism, and told me she needed space as a result. This lead to me not trusting her and not feeling supported by her. It is possible that he somehow lost trust in family members, and that led to him distancing himself. I would ask him if something happened that led to him distancing himself. I think it is worth trying to reconcile.
 
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