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autistic, queer, software engineer, mom, wife

MindCave

MindCave

Member
I started wondering if I'm on the spectrum around age 40, and also discovered I am pansexual around the same time. I met and married a narcissist while I was very young and it prevented me from fully seeing and understanding myself for many years. Now I'm happily remarried, my wife is a special education teacher and she can identify all the signs that I'm autistic. She's the first person I've ever met who really understands me. I'm so grateful.

I'm a mom of an 8 month old and a (nearly) 18 year old. Although I don't consider myself a kid person, I love my kids. I've been a software engineer for the past 23 years and spent a number of years managing people. Looking back, most of my energy went into learning and applying masking skills. In a way, I'm proud of what I've accomplished, but also sad that it's taken every ounce of my energy to get where I am, to the point where I can't enjoy my family life or any of my own interests due to burnout from my job. My happy place is focusing on one problem that interests me until it's solved. But my workplace is a series of distractions and transitions, along with a confusing chess game involving people's hidden motivations, and people who say one thing and do another.

I do feel I've reached a breaking point, as the more I'm aware of how much the workplace was not designed for me, the less tolerance I seem to have for it. Every weekend, I want to escape into my mind cave and pretend I don't have a body. This is not possible with an infant. I would rather have more energy for my family and my own interests and spend less energy on work. The trouble is that all the problems at work involving people can be very confusing and my anxiety response is to hyperfocus on figuring out what my next move will be. I wish it would stop. It's so exhausting.
 
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Welcome to the forum, @MindCave. I hope you can find some camaraderie and interesting conversations here. The exhaustion you talk about sounds very relatable and that's without an infant in the picture.
 
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Glad to have you with us, @MindCave

This world is difficult and masking does seem like the best idea at the time. And it can help in some ways. But in retrospect. It's the most damaging thing to do to yourself. As you've discovered.

It's almost a cruel irony to be born in a world not made for you. To feel trapped in a glass bubble. Seeing the world, but being unable to properly interact with anything in it.

But it's always good to note accomplishments, over the negatives. Though addressing negatives is part of healing. Coping with a NT world is going to be the hardest task of life. Over anything.

All you can ask to do for yourself in the end is to do your best and be happy with who you are. Faults and all.
 
Hello & welcome @MindCave.
full


BTW, I have been a programmer before I retired. What is the difference between a programmer and a software engineer...?
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Crossbreed said:
Hello & welcome @MindCave.
full


BTW, I have been a programmer before I retired. What is the difference between a programmer and a software engineer...?
full
Click to expand...
In my view, a programmer focuses on coding and developing specific features, whereas an engineer focuses at the system level - architecture, design, development, deployment, and even some aspects of operations.
 
@MindCave, just an idea - put a big box just inside your front door. When you get home from work, dump all your work stuff in it. All of it, the thoughts as well. Go inside and enjoy your family. I wish I’d had a box like this when I was still working. Maybe my family wishes I’d had one, too.
 
Sounds like you are excellent at your position, what takes you down is the people side of this equation. Is it possible at some point to move to a smaller company, or to branch out to another area? Office politics was always a struggle for me, but l have become better at antcipating that others do have completely different motivations and reasoning that is impossible to understand, therefore, l just don't. Do you overly micromanage employees to feel in control? Anyways, glad you feel comfortable posting here. Congrats on the success you have achieved!
 
Most of my career I strived to become w a supervisor or manager, never knew I was on spectrum, Now retired
can see now it worked out OK. Worked alone in lab most of my career.
 
Welcome, Mindcave. All my professional life I was masking and did not realize what that was or that I was doing it. I was aware it took a lot of energy to watch people and figure out what to do. I'm retired now and greatly limit my interactions with the rest of the world.
 
MindCave said:
I do feel I've reached a breaking point, as the more I'm aware of how much the workplace was not designed for me, the less tolerance I seem to have for it. Every weekend, I want to escape into my mind cave and pretend I don't have a body. This is not possible with an infant. I would rather have more energy for my family and my own interests and spend less energy on work. The trouble is that all the problems at work involving people can be very confusing and my anxiety response is to hyperfocus on figuring out what my next move will be. I wish it would stop. It's so exhausting.
Click to expand...
I was extremely lucky in my last job where my boss recognised my social anxiety and put me in my own private office and lab. No one was to disturb me without going through the boss. I was in heaven. This lasted for 8 years until I retired. My boss did that because he liked my "innovative" ideas and designs. The "innovation" however, was actually my autism.
 
Ken said:
I was extremely lucky in my last job where my boss recognised my social anxiety and put me in my own private office and lab. No one was to disturb me without going through the boss. I was in heaven. This lasted for 8 years until I retired. My boss did that because he liked my "innovative" ideas and designs. The "innovation" however, was actually my autism.
Click to expand...
I visited my older brother once at his job, they had also given him his own private office, the other programmers,
worked in a large open area.
 
HI and welcome @MindCave
Glad you have found this place.

It is really tough with an infant around - they can be so demanding, and not much understanding from them, I hope your wife is able to support you in your struggles.
 
MindCave said:
I started wondering if I'm on the spectrum around age 40, and also discovered I am pansexual around the same time. I met and married a narcissist while I was very young and it prevented me from fully seeing and understanding myself for many years. Now I'm happily remarried, my wife is a special education teacher and she can identify all the signs that I'm autistic. She's the first person I've ever met who really understands me. I'm so grateful.

I'm a mom of an 8 month old and a (nearly) 18 year old. Although I don't consider myself a kid person, I love my kids. I've been a software engineer for the past 23 years and spent a number of years managing people. Looking back, most of my energy went into learning and applying masking skills. In a way, I'm proud of what I've accomplished, but also sad that it's taken every ounce of my energy to get where I am, to the point where I can't enjoy my family life or any of my own interests due to burnout from my job. My happy place is focusing on one problem that interests me until it's solved. But my workplace is a series of distractions and transitions, along with a confusing chess game involving people's hidden motivations, and people who say one thing and do another.

I do feel I've reached a breaking point, as the more I'm aware of how much the workplace was not designed for me, the less tolerance I seem to have for it. Every weekend, I want to escape into my mind cave and pretend I don't have a body. This is not possible with an infant. I would rather have more energy for my family and my own interests and spend less energy on work. The trouble is that all the problems at work involving people can be very confusing and my anxiety response is to hyperfocus on figuring out what my next move will be. I wish it would stop. It's so exhausting.
Click to expand...
Hi MindCave, oh, I understand you, it sounds like we have had many of the same experiences, except I never got away from the narcissist (or at least someone who many times behave as a textbook narcissist), been married 21 years now. I'm also in software (for about 25 years), my child had a very difficult time from her early teens, I got an agreement with the company I worked for that I could work mainly from home, it meant I had to give up the managing part of the job, but I needed to be available for my kid, so there was not really a choice - on the plus side it meant I got out of a lot of the office/people stuff which can indeed be very draining with asd.

I was having a really hard time for many years, I kept afloat by keep telling myself to be strong for my daughter, in the end I couldn't take it anymore, I got professional help (and an official diagnosis, that helped me get further support) and I shifted to work part time, which has really helped - I know this isn't an option for everyone, but you really need to be careful and also take care of/protect yourself, you have a small child that will need you for many years... at least it sounds like your wife is understanding and supporting you.

Oh, and welcome to the forum, use it, it's really helpful :)
 
Rodafina said:
Welcome to the forum, @MindCave. I hope you can find some camaraderie and interesting conversations here. The exhaustion you talk about sounds very relatable and that's without an infant in the picture.
Click to expand...
I'm starting to read here. Please define: Cameraderie.

ESTP Jo here is a fellow Martial Artist. I need to bring your words to him?
Cameraderie he said should equal my version "corruption". Corruption is when two young lions group in order to "take down" a lion pride.

I'm musician type or what you call queer, and i'm getting injections by evil guys. But i try not to be a burden. My dad does not like i disappoint him...
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I think your dictionay definition @tree is objectively scientifically true ... that pulls me to the defintion in my picture over: cameraderie is non-objectively justified help

Unjustified help means to be non-scientific, the start of the end of The World

Humans have an emotional brain as a thing, cameraderie is like "emotional brain".
 
We two may be friends 😁 and have energizing chats ... but ... i'm as inexperienced about autism scientifically as he

Edit: 😅 now i think i can't ... but i guess i can, because i must be kind. But Hard. It's a riddle.
 
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