14 Year Old Son With Aspergers

[Andy1234]

Hi,

I am new to this forum and I am looking for advice out of desperation. My eldest of 3 sons, who is nearly 15, was diagnosed with Aspergers 5 years ago. He is socially very good and has 5 or 6 close "normal" friends who he goes out with a lot. His friends are all good, polite boys, and academically bright. They do nice things like go into town together, eat out at restaurants etc. He rarely seems to have any social issues with them. Recently, I enrolled him at the local Gym, and he goes there 3 or 4 times a week to workout and swim. A lot of the time, I can deal with him - he can often talk to me (about superficial things, rather than how he is feeling). I feel that in many ways he has a normal life.

However, he is becoming increasingly aggressive and swearing - a lot. Really horrible words which he directs mainly towards his mum. Sometimes he will direct them towards me. He also smashes things in the house regularly when having meltdowns. There are holes in his bedroom wall. He often bangs his forehead against objects and threatens his mother with physical violence. The police have been called many times to try and make him realise the seriousness of his actions, particularly when he started picking up knives and threatening to hurt himself. At first, this worked, but now he is becoming cheeky and oppositional to the police. Recently, he had his first major meltdown at school, and kicked a glass window out of a door.

I am really, really worried about where he is headed. I lie awake at night and spend a lot of time in a state of panic or upset. On the one hand I love him dearly, but then sometimes he makes me feel like I wish he was in care.

We have been engaged with the social and mental services for year, but they rarely seem to offer any practical support. I am now of the opinion that these forums - and speaking to other parents, is where I will find practical advice.

In summary - my question is - how do I get him to understand how much we are worried about him, and how upsetting his behaviour is to his mother and myself? Whenever I ask him why is so cruel to his mum (usually triggered by very trivial issues) he just shrugs his shoulders and says "I don't know". Last night, for the first time, he told me he hated me and couldn't wait until I died. I am very depressed and don't know where to turn. We have such a lovely relationship with our other 2 younger sons and I feel like I just don't know what to do with our eldest. I am worried he is going to hurt himself, his brothers, or his mother as he gets older.

 

[FlowerFlo]

I was similar in that age but wiht slightly less aggression . It started to get better as i accepted my diagnose,got older and had less social contact wiht people. I was slightly aware of how hurtful i was but didnt care. Maybe just try not tho talk too him, if he doesnt want too and give him space if needs too.

 

[Andy1234]

I was similar in that age but wiht slightly less aggression . It started to get better as i accepted my diagnose,got older and had less social contact wiht people. I was slightly aware of how hurtful i was but didnt care. Maybe just try not tho talk too him, if he doesnt want too and give him space if needs too.

Do you think I am perhaps making it worse by expecting him to tell us why, because he doesn't really know?

 

[Suzette]

Your son sounds troubled and in a way a bunch of internet strangers can't help. You really should look for a competent family therapist.
Try not to see your son as the only one having an issue.
This isn't about your son. This is a family matter and each of you plays a role in what is occurring at home.

Maybe your son has some personal issues like bullying at school or simply has a blown up case of teen angst. But maybe there are issues relating to the family dynamics too. Either way all of you have much to learn for each other and from each other.

 

[Hypnalis]

You probably (almost certainly) need to engage a professional specialist with relevant experience.

Some perspectives:

Asking any teenager why they did something irrational is no more use than e.g. getting too close to a stressed NT adult and shouting "calm down" at them. And people on the ASD spectrum have less insight into emotions in general, and OFC into their own emotional state, than NT's of a similar age.

Also worth considering: people on the spectrum aren't intrinsically inclined to aggression or violence.
That's not as useful for interpreting/analyzing your situation as it might sound, but you might ask yourself:

• Could there be another factor in addition to the Asperger's?
• Is there possible environmental cause and effect scenario (where "environmental stress" is more likely to be related to people than to place)

 

[Gerontius]

This -- is oddly familiar. I was one of those obnoxiously "good" children until I hit about this age as well and it
You mention that he talks with you about superficial things more than actual feelings: that's "good" but not optimal. Keep working on trying to build that and see why he might not be open about talking. It may not be your fault! (Autism affects the way we communicate; most 14-year-old boys have quite enough on their plate without a chronic neurological condition.)

You seem like a decent guy, looking to figure out the how & why of something even though you're depressed about it. Your own feelings are also valid & it's good that you have acknowledged them.

This may take time. For whatever reason I didn't have a great relationship with my dad either around this time; I ended up only going "normal" again when I started to consciously choose my own path in life--by that I mean I went out in the barn & taught myself skills, and I went in the back bedroom and taught myself how to write fiction. An outlet for energy is necessary for men. Men have creative potential (ladies too but this is about the guys.) I lived with seventy men once and women were forbidden as we were training to become Catholic priests. (A special interest of mine which I may never end up pursuing, but that's how I found out I was autistic lol.)

Anyway if you put 70 guys in a building, give each of them a 12x14 cell and an income of $5 a day, and tell them they aren't to make love to women, ever, they all get creative: We had people making illuminated manuscripts by hand, playing Bach on harpsichord,practicing foreign languages, attempting to build a small airplane from scrap-metal and launch it from the soccer field, crafting furniture without power tools, holding typing speed trials, etc. The creative energies of these guys all found outlets that were compatible with their state in life. Were they allowed marriage I am sure they would have been caring fathers and husbands.

 

[SDRSpark]

Do you think I am perhaps making it worse by expecting him to tell us why, because he doesn't really know?

He probably really doesn't know why.

If he is self aware, and I have no reason at this point to think that he isn't, he probably feels completely out of control and really wants to know "why" himself.

I'm one of those ASD people who have a history of violent self harming meltdowns (though I never got to the point of anything close to what your son is dealing with) and I can tell you, understanding that it's wrong or not helpful is definitely not helpful to stop from doing it, because a meltdown is just that - a runaway chain reaction that can't be stopped in the moment. Even at the time, I know that punching myself in the head is bad, and in the moment I don't want to be doing it but yet, I am; that's the nature of a meltdown.

You can't "scare him straight" - I'm going to speculate here, based on my own experiences: it's entirely possible that he too is afraid of the next "episode" because of what could happen. (He may be too proud to admit this to you).

What you need to do is figure out what's triggering his meltdowns and work on that - change the environment, stress levels, etc. Whatever it is. Medication could be necessary. (For me it was a combination of understanding what's going on so that I can remove myself from an overwhelming situation before it gets to that point and supplements.)

All that being said, he needs professional help with someone who is really knowledgeable and experienced with autism spectrum disorders. This has gone beyond what you should try to handle on your own.

 

[Andy1234]

He probably really doesn't know why.

If he is self aware, and I have no reason at this point to think that he isn't, he probably feels completely out of control and really wants to know "why" himself.

I'm one of those ASD people who have a history of violent self harming meltdowns (though I never got to the point of anything close to what your son is dealing with) and I can tell you, understanding that it's wrong or not helpful is definitely not helpful to stop from doing it, because a meltdown is just that - a runaway chain reaction that can't be stopped in the moment. Even at the time, I know that punching myself in the head is bad, and in the moment I don't want to be doing it but yet, I am; that's the nature of a meltdown.

You can't "scare him straight" - I'm going to speculate here, based on my own experiences: it's entirely possible that he too is afraid of the next "episode" because of what could happen. (He may be too proud to admit this to you).

What you need to do is figure out what's triggering his meltdowns and work on that - change the environment, stress levels, etc. Whatever it is. Medication could be necessary. (For me it was a combination of understanding what's going on so that I can remove myself from an overwhelming situation before it gets to that point and supplements.)

All that being said, he needs professional help with someone who is really knowledgeable and experienced with autism spectrum disorders. This has gone beyond what you should try to handle on your own.

Thanks that's really helpful. However, I should note as per my post we have been engaged with CAHMS (UK Child Autism Service) as well as social services for many years. We just dont seem to have got the support or practical advice we need. He has already been on ADHD and Anxiety meds which he asked to come off because it made him feel weird. The way the law is we cant insist he takes them - ultimately its his choice. The problem is the outburts have become more severe/regular since he stopped taking them. I hear what you are saying about him being afraid what happens next. I do see genuine regret in his eyes after he has smashed something and calmed down. He hates himself for doing it. I might see if I can talk to him about trying the medication again as it is in everyones interests.

 

[Magna]

Can you get him a punching bag and set it up in the basement or other part of the house, garage, etc? When he wrecks things during a meltdown are there any consequences you can institute for his actions? Real life has consequences. Jail is an example. It is of my opinion that a child/teen, autistic or not shouldn't be able to wreck things without consequence.

Regarding the punching bag: I knew a family of which the father was a former boxer. His children to my knowledge weren't autistic but it was a rule in the house for the boys that if they were getting angry and their emotions were escalating (every parent knows when their kids are "ramping up") prior to a blow up/meltdown, they were sent to the basement for 15 minutes to put on boxing gloves and punch the punching bag continuously to get out their anger/aggression.

Never try to solve an issue or ask about personal feelings during a meltdown. Highly charged emotions are at a peak then and a person can't think rationally. That's like pouring gas on a fire. Or perhaps I should say petrol on a fire since you refer to his mother as his "mum".

There are no autism specific therapists in your area that are available?

He's entering an age now where his testosterone level is going to be higher than any other time in his life.

It's also good to hear he's getting vigorous exercise. I find even at my age that my brain works best when I do heavy physical labor or significant cardio-type exercise until exhaustion. Can you increase his exercise frequency even more? More cardio and less on lifting weights which I believe increases testosterone.

You do need professional help with this.

 

[Crossbreed]

@Andy1234, what you describe is not typically Aspergers (alone).
Given his previous diagnosis, it would be good to find an autism-competent counselor* to work through this new aggression.
(Other counselors might be able to speak to the aggression, but it won't be in terms that he can understand.)

*You might be able to find one through the National Autistic Society.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

I wasn’t exactly aggressive but I did openly rebel against my stepmom but I actually had a good reason to do so. She was enforcing all of these unfair rules meant only for me but her daughter was allowed to do anything that she wanted to do which I knew was extremely unfair and I wasn’t going to put up with it. I mean how is it fair that I get yelled at for watching more than one lousy hour of tv within an exact 24 time period but my stepsister was allowed to watch six hours every Saturday and Sunday? I saw her do this and I know for a fact that she hardly moved from the couch during that time. And I got yelled at for “making a mess” in the microwave cooking bacon even though I covered it with a paper towel and told that I couldn’t make bacon that way but my stepsister could and she never used a paper towel. I was one of those Asperger’s kids that would basically do whatever anyone told me to do and thought that I had to follow the rules at all times but when my stepmom started to make up extremely unfair rules that I was supposed to follow but my stepsister didn’t, something inside me snapped and I had enough of the world constantly mistreating me just because I was different. I was being severely bullied in school and no one listened to me when I complained. At home I was clearly being the victim of favoritism and no one really tried to stop my stepmom and show her exactly how unfair she was towards me other than my sister. The day I saw my stepsister watching tv the entire day and not getting scolded even a little for being so lazy when I would have been screamed at if I did the same was when I started to refuse to listen to my stepmom because I knew how unfair she was and I wasn’t going to let her try to control me and force me to be someone that really wasn’t me. I was tired of feeling like I had to be this emotionless robot that did what I was told without any choice. I hated the haircut that she forced me to get for a year and a half. And I hated not being allowed to freely enjoy the things that I did enjoy and made me feel happy inside. I just wanted to be myself and not be told that it was wrong for me to be myself.

 

[watersprite]

Take away all privileges. He has to earn them back 1 at a time, by showing no violent words against his mum or you for a month.

As @Magna said: Give him the punching bag. If he is still going to the gym, see if there is someone there who might mentor him.

Find out if the police have suggestions for you and his mum.

Spend time with him, just you and him.

Ask at his school if any of his friends are also behaving this way.

Again, this is far beyond the scope of an internet discussion. I have a modicum of experience with tough love for teenagers (in the US) - if you want to talk about it, send a PM.

 

[1ForAll]

I feel really bad for your situation, and understand why you could have severe worries.

First, what you describe and did not say does not make me think necessarily he has Aspergers Syndrome. Just because some medical person diagnosed him at age ten, that means little to me in these days of common misdiagnoses and similar mental health conditions that could explain your son's behaviors, too, as the few symptoms you mentioned could be not too uncommon for many NT rebellious teens even. And even if he had some diagnosed condition, it could be hard to precisely say which one was true unless the medical person was an expert and very comprehensive and analytical, in their questioning, testing, and observations, as another condition or a combination could better explain things.

As well, so far you have not mentioned most of the core typical or common symptoms of Autism Spectrum Disorder, like sensory sensitivities, fine or gross motor difficulties, difficulties in understanding nonverbal language, hyperfocuses of interest--unique or limited-- rigid routines, and other speech or language difficulties or differences, unique physical mannerisms or features, and you have not yet mentioned any difficulties pertaining to working, daily living activities, relationships, and/or school work for your son. You did mention aggression and meltdowns, and difficulty expression feelings, but I would never equate that to meaning Aspergers, in absence of many of the other core components.

Most I know with Aspergers Syndrome or higher functioning ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) do not have any, much less many real life friends, and they do not mostly have a "normal life," which you had said your son seemed to have. They seem to preoccupy themselves with one or a few activities or interests, and they can have difficulties with many things. Their lives would seem often more atypical than normal, because of genetic differences, limitations, abilities and needs often different from neurotypicals. As a father of two ASD sons, I saw no signs and symptoms from them jump out at age ten. Many started showing at age 18 months. The Autistic signs and symptoms were numerous then.

Now, this is not to say your child does not have Aspergers,or a combination of that with another condition, if he had or has other signs and symptoms yet to be talked about. The reason I bring this all up is because contrary to many medical stated opinions that "The diagnosis not important, as we treat symptoms," with them often saying too "medicine is an inexact science" whenever they do not want to be blamed for wrong or incomplete diagnostics and/or treatments, it is imperative to your son and you as parents to get the right diagnosis, to understand what you and the medical persons should consider, do, or not do, to better things and so as to make things worse.

So, as much as I like giving advice, I am not convinced your child has Aspergers Syndrome yet. Yes, many such persons with that condition could have difficulty with processing or expressing feelings & having meltdowns, too, but so many other mental health conditions could explain that too. You mentioned ADHD, and right now you talked more about things that your son does that would lead me more there. I mean, those with ADHD would more often be extroverted or with many friends, or pursue normal activities, like sports, dining out and working out in public, and have more normal lives, etc. And they could have less atypical mannerisms and interests, other than perhaps needing/wanting to be more active.

Those with Aspergers and ASD often do not talk superficially, either. To me that reminds me more of small talk, like what my wife with ADHD is more often to do, too. I am not sure thus the baseline of your son's personality. When not under stress, does he seem more detailed, organized, specific, factual and logical? Or more scattered, general, disorganized, friendly, and emotional? Has he always had difficulties showing love and empathy? Or those things got worse over time? May I ask if you or your wife has ADHD and/or ASD? The relevance is both conditions are neuro-developmental conditions that can be inherited. So, if you and/or your wife has one of those diagnosed conditions, it could more verify a diagnosis your son received, or make some things you said or did not say clearer, including also why the late diagnosis.

Just a few additional questions right now for you:

What words, actions or events seem to trigger his meltdowns or outbursts? In other words, do they seem situational, or do they come out of the blue for no known reason at all? I mean, yes, he may not explain why he does things or feels a certain way, but maybe you can put two and two together, by being aware at what he is doing, and how he is appearing, and what you parents are saying, doing or not saying or doing, just prior to those harmful actions and words, to understand his triggers, if it is or is not not some sensory or environmental issues bothering him, or a build-up of some frustration, if not just hormone related.

You say or suggest that your son has rights to not take medication. Well, if your son is a harm to himself or others, and if the medication helped make things less dangerous, you as parents have rights. And you have rights to not have violent meltdowns in the home. It sounds to me like the bureaucracies--educational, social and medical--are not helping a whole lot, but are likely enabling things to get worse. Teens, or regardless of condition, should not hide behind any period of growth or diagnosis and think they have rights to do as they please without taking responsibility, unless deemed by law as legally insane.

Nobody will often know which aggressive behaviors in any person are genetic in origin or environmentally or hormone caused, or if a combination are the reason, so, if things stay the same or worsen, and he shows no remorse, continued ways, and no accountability, please be more assertive and proactive in making sure your rights as parents and to your other family members are protected, before you get legally blamed by the establishment for any additional violence that occurs or could occur. Tough love sometimes means taking away privileges, making sure those in power enforce the law, telling your son or daughter that this will stop or a hospital setting may be the solution, to better things for all, to name a few, if the caring, loving and heart-to-heart conversation approach does not seem to work.

 

[Flown]

You probably (almost certainly) need to engage a professional specialist with relevant experience.

Some perspectives:

Asking any teenager why they did something irrational is no more use than e.g. getting too close to a stressed NT adult and shouting "calm down" at them. And people on the ASD spectrum have less insight into emotions in general, and OFC into their own emotional state, than NT's of a similar age.

Also worth considering: people on the spectrum aren't intrinsically inclined to aggression or violence.
That's not as useful for interpreting/analyzing your situation as it might sound, but you might ask yourself:

• Could there be another factor in addition to the Asperger's?
• Is there possible environmental cause and effect scenario (where "environmental stress" is more likely to be related to people than to place)

@Andy1234 ALL OF THIS.
I'm feeling that something else is going on with your son (probably paired with hormonal changes). This sounds like a distress or maybe even a burnout response to me.

What stressors are on your son right now?What sort of pressures are on him at school and at home? What can you do to take these off of your son? These are the things you need to be looking into.

Also, PLEASE don't punish or threaten your child with hospitalization. We autistics have a hard time with communication, and sometimes we just don't know how to express what is going on internally.

 

[Flown]

@Andy1234
This is a link for a facebook group that may be able to give you multiple perspectives. It is "an Autistic-led group for parents and caregivers of Autistic children to ask questions of Autistic adults. "
Autism Inclusivity

 

[SDRSpark]

Also, PLEASE don't punish or threaten your child with hospitalization. We autistics have a hard time with communication, and sometimes we just don't know how to express what is going on internally.

THISTHISTHIS.

"Tough love" approaches tend to backfire so hard.

I personally was threatened with "being locked up" and it made me so afraid to seek help when I knew I needed it that I almost didn't make it. PLEASE don't do this.

 

[1ForAll]

@Andy1234 ALL OF THIS.
I'm feeling that something else is going on with your son (probably paired with hormonal changes). This sounds like a distress or maybe even a burnout response to me.

What stressors are on your son right now?What sort of pressures are on him at school and at home? What can you do to take these off of your son? These are the things you need to be looking into.

Also, PLEASE don't punish or threaten your child with hospitalization. We autistics have a hard time with communication, and sometimes we just don't know how to express what is going on internally.

The original poster said the son smashes things in the home regularly and resorts to self-harm, being mean to his parent(s) in those mentioned ways, including making physical threats often to his mother and wanting his father dead. He also said things were getting worse with regards to the aggression his son has, and the medication he was on made things less worse, and that the other entities involved did not help with things.

The son seems to be socializing and expressing well with his friends, and he seems to be expressing hate for his parents well, and doing all sorts of normal life things, yet we want to see him as a victim who cannot be accountable for anything as it must be some Aspergers behind that? And then the father mentions the son kicks out a window at school, and apparently there is no criminal charges for that either. I would not even see a criminal charge as a punishment. Count himself lucky he is not in jail now.

There are tons of those with mental health conditions that do not resort to violence like that. Would you rather him be before a court of law? Or to a hospital, where he can be monitored until the correct diagnoses, medication and/or treatment are set up, with supervision regarding the latter? The things tried so far (being off of medication too) did not work, and if he is functional enough to have friends and socialize with them well there, and to go to school, dine and work out, he is functional enough to know right from wrong, to take responsibility for his actions, and to deal with more proactive and urgent solutions.

Sending him to a hospital, if such continues, shows empathy, for all involved. Not doing so seems negligent and will not solve anything, as social work attempts and Autism agency help went nowhere either. Letting everyone suffer and have deteriorating health is showing apathy to me. For those who do not want him to get such urgent medical care, will you take legal accountability if he acts out further on his anger, either against himself creating a bigger injury or death, or to a family member(s)? It certainly looks like that is the direction that the outside enabling will cause.

 

[SDRSpark]

There are tons of those with mental health conditions that do not resort to violence like that. Would you rather him be before a court of law? Or to a hospital, where he can be monitored until the correct diagnoses, medication and/or treatment are set up, with supervision regarding the latter. The things tried so far did not work, and if he is functional enough to have friends and socialize with them well there, and to go to school, dine and work out, he is functional enough to know right from wrong, to take responsibility for his actions. Sending him to a hospital if such continues shows empathy, for all involved.

Good point. I think we're all taking on face value that what's going on is actual meltdowns based on what OP said, but it may not be that.

Especially if he has friends, socializes, etc.

Another poster suggested "grounding" him from hanging out with his friends, and I'm reminded WHY that was a complete no-go for me: I didn't have friends, and the one or two times a year when I actually wanted to socialize with someone wasn't to be discouraged.

Taking away the one tech thing I had/was interested in (my radio/discman/music) would have back fired horrendously because music is what I use to block out external stimuli and self-regulate. Without this coping mechanism I would have had 10x the meltdowns. The school bus would have been unbearable (and MAY have resulted in violent meltdowns) if I didn't have my discman to get lost in. My mother was perturbed when I wouldn't engage with my classmates and would listen to the discman instead.

"Time out" wouldn't work because I was so much a (maladaptive, lol) daydreamer that I would refuse to leave the time out spot when my "punishment" was over, because I was enjoying it.

Of course no one in my life knew what meltdowns were (myself included) and thought they were behavior. But I never smashed windows or engaged in outright criminal behavior.

Fortunately I was a pretty good kid, because disciplining me was impossible. I just didn't respond to any of the typical punishments in the way that was expected.

 

[Laura K]

Hello - I empathize with what you’re going through. My son is now 26, has autism, and when he was your son’s age, had anxiety and anger issues. Add to this the changes of the teenage years, and it can be very very challenging.
I sought out professional help, and I recommend you do the same. A dr, diagnosed strong anxiety and started him on a medication to help. It was absolutely necessary and did help. Another medication was along the way and gave him a much better feeling of calm and able to enjoy life and tell us what’s wrong much better. At 29, he still has bouts of anxiety but absolutely nothing compared to what they used to be as a teen before medication for anxiety. I wish you well with this. It’s a process but start with a professional.

 

[Laura K]

To add - I read further and saw that your son does not want to take medication. This is is where the harmful to self and other’s concern comes in. At this point, he needs these medications, and if therapy, counselling, explanations of the needs for medication has not worked, then you probably need to speak with his dr. about a hospitalization. Yes, it will be hard, but for the longer term he needs to be stabilized and consistently safe.