30, attractive but perpetually misunderstood

[Paralleluniverse]

Ok amazing folks...I just joined this forum. Got diagnosed with aspergers officially last year, 30 y o female. The funny thing is that although the diagnosis is meant to be empowering the only person who gets me is the psychologist who diagnosed me. I've been told that I'm beautiful , hot, attractive, intelligent , funny, charming etc etc

But that's not my point ..I don't care if I'm any of those things what I do care about is how throughout my twenties I've worked on myself in all aspects of life.. I'm very high functioning.. Yet no matter how hard we try it doesn't get easier! I'm forever having to justify silly things like going out but wanting to leave a bit early , doing things that only I want to do even though I compromise to stay connected to people. For example joining sports clubs when really I'm a gym person because I'm results oriented. I only join the clubs because my psychologist told me to stay connected to people.

What's this thing that NT s say that relationships and friendship are about compromise?!! I do things because I want to do them... From the heart. Why on Earth would I want anyone to do something they don't want to do just to show me that they care,, it doesn't mean sense to me! We are constantly expected to do these things even if we don't like or not interested in the activities. Could be anything from socializing, dinners, sports, specific fake conversations....I just don't get it!!!

If I'm told I'm so smart and functioning why do I never connect? Hate to say this but if it was not for my looks education and athletic abilities then I'm pretty sure I'd be even more marginalized. When does it stop? I have this feeling that thirties are increasingly isolating.... Moreover I read that Asperger's live a much shorter life.. So what we pretty much fail in our late thirties because nobody gets us?!
Happy New year fellow AS and ATs .. Love you all and your feedback will be even more loved

 

[Isadoorian]

Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process!

 

[Paralleluniverse]

Thank you for having me!

 

[Isadoorian]

Thank you for having me!

You're welcome I've been here for several months and it's a great place to be, a nice seclusion from the rest of the world

 

[SusanLR]

Welcome to the forum.
Glad to see you are here. It's a good place to interact with others.
I'm getting pretty old and starting to feel it, too.
It is what it is.
Starting to understand that saying now.

 

[Paralleluniverse]

Also I can't stand people who talk about "rules" "discipline" and authoritative stances...I resent it! It's so difficult for me to understand why for example some people who harm themselves but do no harm to others are considered "troubled"when all those NTs who preach about doing the right thing are the ones who have no problem lying, cheating, manipulating. Yet when it comes to the more macro issue where I believe authority is harmful because it leads to power trips I'm the one considered incorrect .

 

[Mycroft.Holmes]

Hello Parallel, Welcome.

As to the question about if it gets easier. I am 17 so I can not say I have a lot of life experience, But I have been dealing with the same question you are.
I have a close friend who knows about my autism, he has read about it a lot and still he does not understand. He tries to, but sometimes he just does not get it. I can not really hold that against him, How can he understand. You only really understand it if you have it or are a expert on the subject.
People dont know that you have autism and wont understand why you would leave early from a party or whatever, And even if they knew most people will not react in a logical manner to you telling them.
society just has a one dimensional view on how people are supposed to act.
There is not really a lot to be done about it. We just have to find a way dealing with not being understood. Forums like this help with that.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy your time here and find some understanding.

 

[Autistamatic]

Hi @Paralleluniverse and welcome to the community

I'm in my late 40s and I was first diagnosed in my teens. When I was told I was autistic and that it came in different forms, the whole concept of a spectrum was in it's infancy. It would be several years before it became incorporated into formal diagnostic criteria. Throughout my teens and 20s and well into my 30s, no-one had heard of Asperger's Syndrome (including medical/psych professionals) and the only perception most people had of autism was negative. They saw it as a severe learning disability, a lifelong debilitating condition, only occasionally ameliorated by unexplained savant abilities.

Then in the early 2000s it started to be talked about in the media. Pockets of AS people turned up in places associated with science or technology at first, then elsewhere. Families with several ASD people were reported and the idea of "the autistic spectrum" entered the zeitgeist. It was no longer unknown.

Now at the beginning of 2019 pretty much everyone in the developed world has heard of the spectrum and knows that some of us lead quite "normal" lives. There are people I can tell of my autism who are completely accepting of it and embrace it. There are even people who understand that autism can be a blessing in some respects. There are charities and alliances of advocates doing their best to increase awareness and a thriving social media presence. Forums like this are here for us to communicate and share our experiences which didn't exist even 15 years ago. Women & girls are being diagnosed regularly now, whereas it used to be thought of as almost exclusively male, and we know for certain that vaccines don't cause autism.

So - in answer to your question - yes it does get better. Change has been slow but it's gathering pace. There is still much stigma to eradicate and misconception to correct but we will get closer to parity with each passing year. There are thousands of us making videos, writing blogs, talking to influential people, delivering talks and campaigning to raise awareness and drive down prejudice so people like us can lead less stressful lives without discrimination or cruelty.

It does get better, but it takes effort and commitment. Anyone who wants to see it happen sooner - they know what to do - join the fight and add their voices to the clarion call for understanding and equality.

 

[Nitro]

Hi Paralleluniverse

 

[Progster]

I voted that it gets easier, but in reality the nature of the difficulties changes as you get older, and some things get easier while others get harder. I can only speak for myself here as it may be different for all people, but as I got older, some sensory issues got worse, and some things are a lot harder, things like travelling or other things that push me out of my routine. However, I am better at things like understanding and reading people - through experience, not natural ability - and I'm more emotionally mature and find I can move on from problems more easily and not let things affect me so much. This was something which affected me a lot up until the age of about 30.

 

[Sarah S]

Warm welkome Parallel dear

Reg youre question In my case i have to say yes in the since of you are aware of youre " iccues " and with time you learn to live with them . sadly those al my diagnosis have gone down the tube and multiplies and get worse by the day due to reel life negative stress levels up the roof since many years . So i would say in general as with most reg this and other NSD diagnosis its highly individual how were able to cope and adapt to our diagnosis

 

[BeachLife]

Hi @Paralleluniverse and welcome to the community

I'm in my late 40s and I was first diagnosed in my teens. When I was told I was autistic and that it came in different forms, the whole concept of a spectrum was in it's infancy. It would be several years before it became incorporated into formal diagnostic criteria. Throughout my teens and 20s and well into my 30s, no-one had heard of Asperger's Syndrome (including medical/psych professionals) and the only perception most people had of autism was negative. They saw it as a severe learning disability, a lifelong debilitating condition, only occasionally ameliorated by unexplained savant abilities.

Then in the early 2000s it started to be talked about in the media. Pockets of AS people turned up in places associated with science or technology at first, then elsewhere. Families with several ASD people were reported and the idea of "the autistic spectrum" entered the zeitgeist. It was no longer unknown.

Now at the beginning of 2019 pretty much everyone in the developed world has heard of the spectrum and knows that some of us lead quite "normal" lives. There are people I can tell of my autism who are completely accepting of it and embrace it. There are even people who understand that autism can be a blessing in some respects. There are charities and alliances of advocates doing their best to increase awareness and a thriving social media presence. Forums like this are here for us to communicate and share our experiences which didn't exist even 15 years ago. Women & girls are being diagnosed regularly now, whereas it used to be thought of as almost exclusively male, and we know for certain that vaccines don't cause autism.

So - in answer to your question - yes it does get better. Change has been slow but it's gathering pace. There is still much stigma to eradicate and misconception to correct but we will get closer to parity with each passing year. There are thousands of us making videos, writing blogs, talking to influential people, delivering talks and campaigning to raise awareness and drive down prejudice so people like us can lead less stressful lives without discrimination or cruelty.

It does get better, but it takes effort and commitment. Anyone who wants to see it happen sooner - they know what to do - join the fight and add their voices to the clarion call for understanding and equality.

Autistamatic, You are so positive and inspiring. Thanks for the energy you share

 

[BeachLife]

Welcome I wish I could contribute but I really don't know! Great question and thread, thank you. I have been loving this forum/safe place/learning place. Enjoy , warm wishes

 

[granty1988]

Hello and welcome , 30 male here if you'd like to chat ?

 

[AloneNotLonely]

Well, loneliness is certainly not in your future since you still seem to do well with the guys. I'm guessing it's the avatar.

The reason we do things we don't like is because they are good for us in the long run. If you want others to like you for other reasons than how you look, then you are going to have to do things for them or with them that you might not like. Otherwise those people are going to disappear from your life. The question here is would you be alright with that?

The other part of the problem is that you are listening to your psychologist. Psychologists aren't the sharpest knives in the drawer and will mention "places to meet people" for... well... low IQ mongrels. If you are so smart and high functioning, then how do you expect to make a good connection with low IQ low functioning people?

Find things that you like and build a social circle around that. You can go to the gym and join a weightlifting interest club, for example. You can join a sports club involving a sport you actually like. It gets easier as soon as you stop lying to yourself and start putting effort into building a social circle around your actual interests.

 

[Paralleluniverse]

Well, loneliness is certainly not in your future since you still seem to do well with the guys. I'm guessing it's the avatar.

The reason we do things we don't like is because they are good for us in the long run. If you want others to like you for other reasons than how you look, then you are going to have to do things for them or with them that you might not like. Otherwise those people are going to disappear from your life. The question here is would you be alright with that?

The other part of the problem is that you are listening to your psychologist. Psychologists aren't the sharpest knives in the drawer and will mention "places to meet people" for... well... low IQ mongrels. If you are so smart and high functioning, then how do you expect to make a good connection with low IQ low functioning people?

Find things that you like and build a social circle around that. You can go to the gym and join a weightlifting interest club, for example. You can join a sports club involving a sport you actually like. It gets easier as soon as you stop lying to yourself and start putting effort into building a social circle around your actual interests.

Glad you like the Avatar hahaha
Of course I don't care about looks or anything like that.. What I mean is I can have all sorts of these superficial connections but it always feels like I'm working harder than a NT just to accept normal things that society expects of us.. How is this good for us on the long term? I think Asperger's have heart problems resulting from the stress of conformity...I mean NTs don't seem to have to work as hard as us because their interests are easily flexible and varied but with us it just feels different.. Like burning inside!
I'm glad you are managing well and giving us good advice )
Happy 2019 to you

 

[Cactus]

Ok amazing folks...I just joined this forum. Got diagnosed with aspergers officially last year, 30 y o female. The funny thing is that although the diagnosis is meant to be empowering the only person who gets me is the psychologist who diagnosed me. I've been told that I'm beautiful , hot, attractive, intelligent , funny, charming etc etc

But that's not my point ..I don't care if I'm any of those things what I do care about is how throughout my twenties I've worked on myself in all aspects of life.. I'm very high functioning.. Yet no matter how hard we try it doesn't get easier! I'm forever having to justify silly things like going out but wanting to leave a bit early , doing things that only I want to do even though I compromise to stay connected to people. For example joining sports clubs when really I'm a gym person because I'm results oriented. I only join the clubs because my psychologist told me to stay connected to people.

What's this thing that NT s say that relationships and friendship are about compromise?!! I do things because I want to do them... From the heart. Why on Earth would I want anyone to do something they don't want to do just to show me that they care,, it doesn't mean sense to me! We are constantly expected to do these things even if we don't like or not interested in the activities. Could be anything from socializing, dinners, sports, specific fake conversations....I just don't get it!!!

If I'm told I'm so smart and functioning why do I never connect? Hate to say this but if it was not for my looks education and athletic abilities then I'm pretty sure I'd be even more marginalized. When does it stop? I have this feeling that thirties are increasingly isolating.... Moreover I read that Asperger's live a much shorter life.. So what we pretty much fail in our late thirties because nobody gets us?!
Happy New year fellow AS and ATs .. Love you all and your feedback will be even more loved

It's interesting to know that even with your attractiveness, and athletic abilities you still experience the same difficulties I experience. I always thought that if I had those attributes I'd be able to fit in. I'm not sure how I feel about that not being true. I thought things would be better when I graduated from college, but my struggles were lifelong. About friends doing something with you they don't like to do because that's friendship. I too find that completely illogical. I've also tried to stay connected to people. It felt uncomfortable, and probably for that reason, it didn't work. You don't have to "hate to say it," about your attributes contributing to your social life. That's just the way it is, any Psych 101 class will provide that information. I understand your frustration, and remain perplexed that your HFA outweighs your personal attributes. That knowledge is a paradigm shift for me. It's nice to, have read your introductory post (so awkward), meet you. Welcome to the forum!

 

[Tom]

The answer is maybe.

 

[Paralleluniverse]

It's interesting to know that even with your attractiveness, and athletic abilities you still experience the same difficulties I experience. I always thought that if I had those attributes I'd be able to fit in. I'm not sure how I feel about that not being true. I thought things would be better when I graduated from college, but my struggles were lifelong. About friends doing something with you they don't like to do because that's friendship. I too find that completely illogical. I've also tried to stay connected to people. It felt uncomfortable, and probably for that reason, it didn't work. You don't have to "hate to say it," about your attributes contributing to your social life. That's just the way it is, any Psych 101 class will provide that information. I understand your frustration, and remain perplexed that your HFA outweighs your personal attributes. That knowledge is a paradigm shift for me. It's nice to, have read your introductory post (so awkward), meet you. Welcome to the forum!

It's funny I think I peaked during my University years ! And I'll never peak again, I did a second MSc when I was 24 until I was 26 and adult life has felt so difficult! Now we get marginalized for not being in relationship or not having a job that "suits the level of your peer group" , had a fortune 500 job but couldn't handle the slavery and unpredictable hours and I basically have to accept that I I'm too straightforward to work with and everyone wants bullshiters to work for them, I can't do that. So yeah now I feel I'm just getting older but going backwards in life.

 

[Autistamatic]

It's funny I think I peaked during my University years ! And I'll never payp again, I did a second MSc when I was 24 until I was 26 and adult life has felt so difficult! Now we get marginalized for not being in relativesrela not having a job that "suits the level of your peer group" , had a fortune 500 job but couldn't handle the slavery and unpredictable hours and I basically have to accept that I I'm too straightforward to work with and everyone wants bullshiters to work for them, I can't do that. So yeah now I feel I'm just getting older but going backwards in life.

Not being an accomplished liar may hold you back in many careers (most probably) but it is hardly a quality to be ashamed of. So many of us are very honest and candid people. We might have a much better world if there were more of us like that and a few less of the dishonest ones...